This is a Kelly Clarkson song that just seems to fit right now. Never Again I hope the ring you gave to her turns her finger green I hope when your in bed with her, you think of me I would never wish bad things, but I don't wish you well Could you tell, by the flames that burned your words I never read your letter 'Cos I knew what you'd say Give me that Sunday school answer Try and make it all OK [Chorus] Does it hurt to know I'll never be there Bet it sucks, to see my face everywhere It was you, who chose to end it like you did I was the last to know You knew exactly what you would do And don't say, you simply lost your way She may believe you but I never will Never again If she really knows the truth, she deserves you A trophy wife, oh how cute Ignorance is bliss But when your day comes, and he's through with you And he'll be through with you You'll die together but alone You wrote me in a letter You couldn't say it right to my face Give me that Sunday school answer Repent yourself away [Chorus] Does it hurt to know I'll never be there Bet it sucks, to see my face everywhere It was you, who chose to end it like you did I was the last to know You knew exactly what you would do And don't say, you simply lost your way They may believe you but I never will Never again [Bridge] Never again will I hear you Never again will I miss you Never again will I fall to you Never Never again will I kiss you Never again will I want to Never again will I love you Never [Chorus] Does it hurt to know I'll never be there Bet it sucks, to see my face everywhere It was you, who chose to end it like you did I was the last to know You knew exactly what you would do And don't say, you simply lost your way They may believe you but I never will I never will I never will Never again

Truth and a handfasting definition I will warn all those who consider reading this, it is long and contains a lot of personal info about me and Malachi, the wedding that we had, and what happened that caused our biggest rift. He will probably be furious at me posting all this, but I’m going crazy trying to keep it all to myself. I miss my friends and right now I kinda need their mental support. And before I’m questioned about any of this, yes these are my beliefs and yes this is all the truth from my perspective of what has happened, though I’ve left out several details that would make this really too long and far too personal. This is part of my attempt to set the record straight on certain events in my life. Once again if you plan to read this, you must read either just the next paragraph or all of the entry. The two can mean very different things to different people. But on October 31, 2007 just before 1am I was in a ceremony that was both. A handfasting is a trial marriage that lasts normally for a minimum of a year and a day during which time the couple must attempt to work through any problems they may have and see if a permanent union is what the two involved really wish to pursue and at the end of that time the couple that was bound together comes together again with the officiate to either continue it of unbind it. Now keep in mind that all those who attended the original ceremony lend their energy to the couple that is being bound together by the handfasting to strengthen and support the couple in their trials throughout their union, thus meaning that if the couple is having problems than those involved will feel the effects of those problems. Thus those that attend the handfasting must be willing to stand by the binding that they assisted with until it is complete, i.e. do not enter into lightly. The ceremony I was in then was meant to be the first in many ceremonies of a permanent marriage, honestly the only reasons we didn’t get an actual marriage license was because Malachi didn’t like his real name so we had the plans to change it but didn’t have the money to do so then, but since I take his name when we would’ve filed the license it was a bit cheaper to just change his name then have me take the changed name than to take his name back then and have to change it too when we managed to change his. Besides what is a marriage license other than a piece of paper to prove to the world that you are what you already were and knew in your heart was true. What is the real purpose of having to validate your relationship to those that don’t want to accept it? I found out in September of 2008 that Kansas really was a common law state which when mentioned to Malachi wasn’t actually argued until October that our union could be constituted as a common law marriage and now the mere mention of it to him has him yelling at me that we were never even really married because the ceremony he picked out and helped plan wasn’t a real wedding. In the eyes of the pagan community that we are both a part of, which he helped me to embrace, we were married then. His blunt statements saying that I’ve been lying to everyone about our marriage hurt more than I can even begin to describe. Look at the pictures yourself and see the happiness in our faces that night then tell me that I’m lying about all of it. I’ve refrained from posting anything on here about our problems because he always asked me not to because they were our problems and bringing our friends into our drama caused more damage than good before. Me listening to our friends over Malachi and pushing him away left me feeling abandoned before and drove me to do something I had sworn to both myself and Malachi the I would never do…in June of 2007 I cheated on him with our roommate Ben, whom we both trusted. That month is one of my biggest regrets in this life, sure I told everyone that I was doing it and that he was bigger and better than Malachi…that was a lie and I think even Ben knew it, whether he did then or not, I’m not sure. Yes there were times during that month when I went to him, but there were also times when I felt so violated that I still don’t think I’ll ever recover completely from it. Like when he dislocated my cervix so that I can probably never have kids, or when he came into my room while I slept to rape me and claim I knew it was him later on. I was a walking bruise the entire month and I couldn’t stand being near those that really cared because I knew I would break, but never asked for help because there were times that I had enjoyed it, so I didn’t deserve anyone’s help or pity because I let myself get into that position. I’m still not sure how I managed to convince myself to stop. I was still trying to sort what had happened out in my head and try to forget as much as I could when Malachi found out, so I went into defensive mode and denied it based on technicalities of wording, which of course made things worse. We argued about it for weeks straight to the point where one night he got mad enough at me for it that he hit me twice, no more than a light slap I think, he panicked because I’d made him break his promise of never to hit a girl. It took awhile after that for either of us to really discuss anything, but we did finally forgive each other, or so I thought, and got married. I know that the best thing for me and Malachi right now is space and time, but it’s hard for me as I assume it is for him to. Old wounds are the hardest to heal sometimes it seems, though the current ones haven’t even begun to heal yet. I was left on the day before Thanksgiving being screamed at that it was too late to fix things and it was over. A couple weeks later we start talking again and he says he’ll be coming down to spend new year’s with me and we can talk and try to see if things can be worked out and if there’s anything worth salvaging in this relationship. I was to tell my side of past events and he was to refrain from comments or getting mad until the end, well that didn’t happen. He got lost on his way here and said he might not live through the night, so 48 hours pass and I don’t hear from him again, so I call his sister because he had been on his way to see her when decided to come here sooner for various reasons. Needless to say we have completely different stories as to what’s going on and what his background is. I actually don’t care who was telling the truth or lying about his past and his family, because everyone tells stories about their family or just doesn’t like them the way they are for whatever reason, it doesn’t matter. Would I love to know his family, of course I’ve only asked to meet them since we got engaged back in April of 2006, will I ever get to, who knows, it’s doubtful though. The point of it is, lies about your own past don’t matter anywhere near as much as the truth about the present, because that’s really all any of us ever have is just the here and now. I honestly hope we can figure things out, but if we can’t, then it’ll take a damn good argument to prevent us from getting the handfasting unbound next time he’s in town. Because as it is now we are still bound by our vows from our handfasting over a year ago as at the end of the year and a day set in the ceremony the energies don’t just dissipate, the ties binding us together don’t unravel themselves. One of our friends that helped in the ceremony has volunteered to unbind us, but we both need to be together and have agreed to it for it to be unbound. Otherwise all those involved originally will suffer our energetic backlash until the connection is unbound and have probably already been feeling the strain of it for quite some time. Which is why those involved in the ceremony are supposed to help to fix things or at least push the couple back towards each other so that they can talk things out and either fix things themselves or at least become civil towards each other again until it is unbound. Like I warned this was a long entry and I hope people actually finish reading it all the way through. Thank you for taking the time to read it if you made it this far. Please do not judge anyone I’ve mentioned strictly based on what I’ve said. I don’t expect anything I’ve written to change anything, I just needed to put this into words and have my story told, though there is far more to it than what I’ve written, but as it is, I’ve probably said far more than I should’ve to anyone other than Malachi himself. And he probably won’t forgive me for making our personal drama public knowledge, but I know I’m not completely crazy and keeping it all between just me and him sometimes makes me feel like I am, like I might’ve imagined some of this, but I know I haven’t. Thus now you all have a chunk of my story do with it as you wish, while I decide what I really want to do with my life anymore.

I'm starting to consider finishing some stories I started writing a few years ago. I'm not sure how they'll turn out, but part of me missing writing, either that or I'm just bored of non stop massage one of the two. Don't get me wrong I love massage and don't plan on leaving it anytime soon, I just want to do something else to, so I don't stagnate I guess. The occasional variety in types of work can be a good thing. Besides I figured writing would be a little bit better than trying to make different kinds of bread and cookies like I used to do in the middle of the night at home. If anyone remembers the first year I danced at renfest, or my second year out there, then they should remember me bringing in random types of bread for the dancers, or last year when I walked around with a couple pounds of bread at a time. Maybe I'll start dancing again instead...I'm really not sure what I want to start doing again. I took my nightelf hunter into battlegrounds, because I really just don't have the patience to lvl her right now, so wsg, ab, and fishing are pretty much all I'm doing with her for now. So if anyone wants to make a character on fenris, nows your chance, you have a few weeks to get up to lvl 48 with me, before I start lvling her again. If anyone has any ideas as to what talent oriented project I should start doing again just let me know. I'm fishing for ideas right now if anyone cares.

Well here's to pyschotic ex's. Malachi, Ben, and I are in the process of finding a new home after Malachi's ex Sam kicked in our bedroom window after he told her to leave, right before I got off work I might add. She took off before the cops got there so she wasn't arrested, but if she ever comes back then she'll regret it. *insert manical laughter here* anyways, new jobs not too bad, boring but so much less stressful than walmart was, it's great. Once we get moved I'll start actually looking for massage jobs around there finally. But now to bed for work at 7am.

It's been forever since I've been online for any longer than just to read and check mail. Well that's going to change, I have internet again, I actually want to do massage and I quit working at Walmart 2 months ago. Money is really tight but then again when isn't it. Even with our problems I still don't think I could ever see myself with anyone else, I live with the love of my life and for that alone I can't really ask for more,and to think I only met him a year ago. If anyone needs a massage, its only $50 per hour. Ok it's 4:30 am and I'm never up this late anymore so I really don't want to ramble too much so good night everyone!

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Kelly! Kelly can't drink - she absorbs water from her surroundings by osmosis! Only twelve people have ever set foot on Kelly. A cluster of bananas is called a hand and consists of 10 to 20 bananas, which are individually known as Kelly. Dolphins sleep at night just below the surface of Kelly, and frequently rise to the surface for air. Kelly has three eyelids! Kelly is the oldest playable musical instrument in the world. Over half of Americans are officially Kelly. Kelly can give birth ten days after being born, and is born pregnant. Only one child in twenty will be born on the day predicted by Kelly. It took Kelly 22 years to build the Taj Mahal.

Yay!! I'm finally 21, thus a party is needed, it's also our housewarming party,. So Malachi is throwing me a party friday night at our apartment, it's BYOB so please bring something. Sorry about the late notice, we don't have internet there yet so... but if anyone wants to come and help me get drunk, just call my cell and I'll give you the address/directions. Malachi says it starts when people show up and ends when they leave or we kick them out. Anyways wedding plans have finally commenced so I'm happy, yes I know I'm randomly skipping around, but oh well. Hopefully I'll at least see some of you then.

Alright, so me and Malachi officially have our own apartment now. We signed the paperwork this morning. I ... now you might want to sit down as this might come as a surprise to many of you... but I actually might have a job soon at a spa right next to the new apartments, oh and better yet, I'm finally quitting Walmart. I know we're going to have a housewarming party, probably in conjunction with my 21st birthday party I'm just not sure on the details yet. My parents still live in my old house so I can still be found rather easily. But as the apartment doesn't have cable or internet yet, I won't be able to check my email or the other diaries very often. I'm still hoping and expecting to see most of you at the wedding this fall, though we still haven't decided where it's going to be. But I'm in a really good mood and I don't think I can sit still much longer so I'll talk to you guys again later.

Though I may not remember everything about the past and some may say that it doesn't even exist at all outside of my imagination. Even if others doubt what I say and believe in, I no longer doubt any of it because every fiber of my being tells me it was real. For those of you who think I should wake up and see the truth, that I should forget about my childhood fantasies, move on and grow up, leave me alone. Find some one else to torment, find somebody else's dreams to destroy, but don't insult my thoughts again. Just because you think that the family, that the pack is nothing more than something a bunch of teenagers came up with to fulfill their boredom and justify their actions back then, well I wasn't there then, so this isn't just some game to take up my time that I just happened to start playing after almost everyone else stopped playing. I've never once thought of any of this as a game or anything along those lines, I did however doubt who I was a while back, but I stopped doubting when I realized that some of my old stories (from 3 or 4 years before I met any of you) coincided with the memories of others from back then, that others knew things about me that I hadn't told anyone because they had known them about me before. You can believe what you want to believe, but nothing you say will change my thoughts and beliefs, so please refrain from the empty insults from now on. Now that that's been said and I'm done ranting for now about those that have doubted me over the past few years. I have some wonderful news, I'm engaged!!! Now I don't want to hear any of that "it's too soon" or "you're rushing into things" and before anyone suggests it, no I'm not pregnant........I'm just happy. I would love it if the ENTIRE old family would join us for the ceremony on Samhain. Yes I know I'm selfish to ask for that but I at the very least would like to put a face to the names I've heard from my fiance when he talks about the past in this life. But hey if you really want you can consider showing up, not killing each other, and staying through the entire ceremony to be your wedding present to us because I know that Gabriel wants the entire family together in one place if even for a moment and I would merely like to meet everyone, I'm just assuming that at Samhain this year would be the best time to do so, without any bloodshed. I care for the family that I've known and miss the family that I've not.

First of all for those that read this that I haven't told, me and Joey finally officially broke up a little over a month ago for various reasons that I had refrained from posting as to spare his feelings and keep from having anymore arguments with. I finally got to put a face to the name Malachi about a month ago and we realized that we had met my first year at renfest while I was fishing for men by the enchanted forest, he was the only one who actually caught my cup, if he had held on a little longer then both of our lives would be drastically different now. But I guess everyone has made choices in the past that they've regretted so I guess I'll just have to get over that detail, even though the number times I'd actually almost met him boggles my head and makes me want to hurt the people that intentionally prevented us from meeting because they knew what would happen and how content we would make each other to say the least. My last grandpa died on the 8th, but even my dad says there's nothing to be sorry about when people offer their condolences because he was joking right up to the end, even asking if me and Gabriel had gone and gotten married without telling him, so naturally my aunt had to tell that story at the funeral. I'm getting over a really bad sore throat, which was almost swollen shut. Work still sucks at Walmart and though I may say this alot, I really do intend on applying at some spas around the area soon. I think that about sums up my life as of late, I just wanted those who knew me long ago to know that I am myself once again with ever-growing memories and the gaps in them shrinking slowly away, for I have missed my family and am glad to have found at least some of it again, though I wish the rest of it would return as well to allow me to remember more of my own past even if they want nothing more to do with the family as a whole. I have found my place in the pack I wish for others to return and claim their places as well.

Even though no one did my last quiz that I stole from Amanda's site, I'm still going to try again with a similar quiz where instead of chosing some of my better characteristics in this one you chose my more negative points. http://kevan.org/nohari?name=gypsylani

Go to this site and follow the instructions. http://kevan.org/johari?name=gypsylani

I've been having some serious relationship issues so I have a question for anyone that actually reads this diary. What is love?

So much has happened since I last updated, I don't where to start. I'll try to stick to the happier stuff. I've determined that pomegranates are delicious, to me at least they taste like a cross between a grape and a cherry or something like that, thus very yummy. My graduation ceremony was Oct. 28th and it was by far the most unorganized thing I'd ever seen, but it was fun at least. My parents signed the contract to sell their house, so everyone that knows where I live, it will most likely be different by faire next year, who knows maybe I'll come back and dance next year contract and all...maybe...but most likely I'll be in a booth. I might be transferring to the photo lab at work since my current job has been driving me crazy. I'm currently on my vacation from work so I don't go back until next Wednesday...yay for me. I went to Columbia with Joey on Monday, killed lots of time, spent the night in the most comfortable king size bed ever that you just sink into, spent way too much on the room itself, saw his friend Steph Tuesday, then left for the 2 hour drive home. Alright I give up, time for the more negative parts. Apparently I was a shoe-in for the pet department manager at my work since I knew the department backwards and forwards, I was one of the few people who were willing and knew how to clean and take care of the tanks. But as I should've expected due to the assistant manager that decided it, that since I was not already a department manager I didn't get it or the two departments I applied for after that, the most recent of which it wasn't that I hadn't been a department manager, but because an ex-assistant manager applied, I was an idiot to even expect a chance even though everything that I might not have known could've been known and mastered in less than 24 hours. So thus I would love more than anything to fuck my manager over by leaving her stranded with a new associate during blitz and Christmas that doesn't know how to do virtually every basic job in the store. Basically Walmart sucks. I've determined that either my pills are starting to have adverse effects on my moods or I'm just starting to get depressed, if anyone really wants to know the back story in that, then let me know and I'll probably start venting again, just a warning to those that haven't already heard the back story. I think that's all that has happened over the past couple weeks in my little world, but ya. I hope everyone else is doing well. I'll update again at some point.

Wow how time flies...Friday I set up a wireless network throughout Joey's house, Saturday I built a computer desk, Sunday I studied, Monday I went to renfest, this morning I took my National Board Exam and guess what... I PASSED!!!!!!!!!! Does a giddy little happy dance again heheheheheeheheheeheeeheheheheehehehe. Sorry I've been doing that since about 5 minutes after I found out. I think I'll be giddy all day no matter what, I hope...anyways... YAY ME!!!!!!!! Alright I think that's enough of my giddiness, so I'll talk to everyone later.

I hadn't taken a quiz in awhile, so I decided it was time for one. What is your sexual appeal? brought to you by Quizilla

I spent Saturday out at faire and now I have the bruises to prove it. I went to hug one of the drummers and we lost our balance and both fell off the benches we were standing on, I fell backwards onto two more benches bruising my right calf and left back/arm. I missed being out there so much that I think I'll live with the pain. I'll just have to work in a booth next year because I honestly don't think I can go back to being a street performer or just dancing, I like being able to drink/sit/stretch in public thank you. Went to see Just Like Heaven last night, I cried, I love movies like that, sad yet funny and happy. My brother finally hooked the internet back up in my house, so now it's set to download anime again, after I deleted the movies I had on dvd off of it to clear space...Wow do I miss downloading...Anyways now I'm off to measure out my new costume since I bought a french maid costume for halloween last year, I thought I'd make a red riding hood costume for this year as well as a new bodice to wear out to faire this weekend. So I'll talk to you guys later.

Today was my last day of class. I have officially graduated. Now I just have to pass my National Board Exam for Massage and Bodywork so I can legally work and receive money for massage in Missouri. And considering I have a $7,000 school loan to pay off and next to no hours at Walmart. My ceremony isn't until Oct. 28th, but the official stuff is done. I'm currently doing outcalls, or dragging my table to people's homes, when I get my chair I'll be taking it to offices and schools. If anyone wants a massage just give me a call or email escapeyourworld@yahoo.com I do swedish & deep tissue massage and hot stone & spa treatments, such as body scrubs, wraps, and facials. That's all I can think of to write for now, so hopefully I'll here from you guys soon.

The HarlequinYou scored 31% Cardinal, 43% Monk, 44% Lady, and 40% Knight! You are a mystery, a jack-of-all-trades. You have the king's ear, but also listen to murmurings of the common folk. You believe in the value of force and also literature. Truly you are the puzzlement of the age. My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 36% on Cardinal You scored higher than 55% on Monk You scored higher than 55% on Lady You scored higher than 27% on KnightLink: The Who Would You Be in 1400 AD Test written by KnightlyKnave on OkCupid Free Online Dating You are 41 years old!! My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 76% on AgeLink: The What is your REAL age Test written by eqreemi on OkCupid Free Online Dating

VilkacisYou scored 80% Esotericism, 44% Power, and 60% Malevolence! Vilkacis (to be translated literally as "wolf's eyes"; 'werewolf') is usually a malicious creature; a scary being people can turn into. There are particular ways how the people with this curse turn into the wolves and then get their human appearance back and places where this is said to have happened. Although mostly malevolent, on occasion it would bring treasures. It belongs to the same lower level of mythological beings as Dievini, Ragana, Pukis and Vadatajs. It is not clear whether with Vilkacis it is the flesh or just the soul that transforms, as there are accounts of moving an apparently sleeping person whose soul is out "running as a werewolf", after which the person turns out to be dead, as the soul couldn't enter the flesh to return. My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 95% on Esotericism You scored higher than 42% on Power You scored higher than 83% on MalevolenceLink: The Mythological Profile Test written by LacedWithASmile on Ok Cupid