Truth and a handfasting definition I will warn all those who consider reading this, it is long and contains a lot of personal info about me and Malachi, the wedding that we had, and what happened that caused our biggest rift. He will probably be furious at me posting all this, but I’m going crazy trying to keep it all to myself. I miss my friends and right now I kinda need their mental support. And before I’m questioned about any of this, yes these are my beliefs and yes this is all the truth from my perspective of what has happened, though I’ve left out several details that would make this really too long and far too personal. This is part of my attempt to set the record straight on certain events in my life. Once again if you plan to read this, you must read either just the next paragraph or all of the entry. The two can mean very different things to different people. But on October 31, 2007 just before 1am I was in a ceremony that was both. A handfasting is a trial marriage that lasts normally for a minimum of a year and a day during which time the couple must attempt to work through any problems they may have and see if a permanent union is what the two involved really wish to pursue and at the end of that time the couple that was bound together comes together again with the officiate to either continue it of unbind it. Now keep in mind that all those who attended the original ceremony lend their energy to the couple that is being bound together by the handfasting to strengthen and support the couple in their trials throughout their union, thus meaning that if the couple is having problems than those involved will feel the effects of those problems. Thus those that attend the handfasting must be willing to stand by the binding that they assisted with until it is complete, i.e. do not enter into lightly. The ceremony I was in then was meant to be the first in many ceremonies of a permanent marriage, honestly the only reasons we didn’t get an actual marriage license was because Malachi didn’t like his real name so we had the plans to change it but didn’t have the money to do so then, but since I take his name when we would’ve filed the license it was a bit cheaper to just change his name then have me take the changed name than to take his name back then and have to change it too when we managed to change his. Besides what is a marriage license other than a piece of paper to prove to the world that you are what you already were and knew in your heart was true. What is the real purpose of having to validate your relationship to those that don’t want to accept it? I found out in September of 2008 that Kansas really was a common law state which when mentioned to Malachi wasn’t actually argued until October that our union could be constituted as a common law marriage and now the mere mention of it to him has him yelling at me that we were never even really married because the ceremony he picked out and helped plan wasn’t a real wedding. In the eyes of the pagan community that we are both a part of, which he helped me to embrace, we were married then. His blunt statements saying that I’ve been lying to everyone about our marriage hurt more than I can even begin to describe. Look at the pictures yourself and see the happiness in our faces that night then tell me that I’m lying about all of it. I’ve refrained from posting anything on here about our problems because he always asked me not to because they were our problems and bringing our friends into our drama caused more damage than good before. Me listening to our friends over Malachi and pushing him away left me feeling abandoned before and drove me to do something I had sworn to both myself and Malachi the I would never do…in June of 2007 I cheated on him with our roommate Ben, whom we both trusted. That month is one of my biggest regrets in this life, sure I told everyone that I was doing it and that he was bigger and better than Malachi…that was a lie and I think even Ben knew it, whether he did then or not, I’m not sure. Yes there were times during that month when I went to him, but there were also times when I felt so violated that I still don’t think I’ll ever recover completely from it. Like when he dislocated my cervix so that I can probably never have kids, or when he came into my room while I slept to rape me and claim I knew it was him later on. I was a walking bruise the entire month and I couldn’t stand being near those that really cared because I knew I would break, but never asked for help because there were times that I had enjoyed it, so I didn’t deserve anyone’s help or pity because I let myself get into that position. I’m still not sure how I managed to convince myself to stop. I was still trying to sort what had happened out in my head and try to forget as much as I could when Malachi found out, so I went into defensive mode and denied it based on technicalities of wording, which of course made things worse. We argued about it for weeks straight to the point where one night he got mad enough at me for it that he hit me twice, no more than a light slap I think, he panicked because I’d made him break his promise of never to hit a girl. It took awhile after that for either of us to really discuss anything, but we did finally forgive each other, or so I thought, and got married. I know that the best thing for me and Malachi right now is space and time, but it’s hard for me as I assume it is for him to. Old wounds are the hardest to heal sometimes it seems, though the current ones haven’t even begun to heal yet. I was left on the day before Thanksgiving being screamed at that it was too late to fix things and it was over. A couple weeks later we start talking again and he says he’ll be coming down to spend new year’s with me and we can talk and try to see if things can be worked out and if there’s anything worth salvaging in this relationship. I was to tell my side of past events and he was to refrain from comments or getting mad until the end, well that didn’t happen. He got lost on his way here and said he might not live through the night, so 48 hours pass and I don’t hear from him again, so I call his sister because he had been on his way to see her when decided to come here sooner for various reasons. Needless to say we have completely different stories as to what’s going on and what his background is. I actually don’t care who was telling the truth or lying about his past and his family, because everyone tells stories about their family or just doesn’t like them the way they are for whatever reason, it doesn’t matter. Would I love to know his family, of course I’ve only asked to meet them since we got engaged back in April of 2006, will I ever get to, who knows, it’s doubtful though. The point of it is, lies about your own past don’t matter anywhere near as much as the truth about the present, because that’s really all any of us ever have is just the here and now. I honestly hope we can figure things out, but if we can’t, then it’ll take a damn good argument to prevent us from getting the handfasting unbound next time he’s in town. Because as it is now we are still bound by our vows from our handfasting over a year ago as at the end of the year and a day set in the ceremony the energies don’t just dissipate, the ties binding us together don’t unravel themselves. One of our friends that helped in the ceremony has volunteered to unbind us, but we both need to be together and have agreed to it for it to be unbound. Otherwise all those involved originally will suffer our energetic backlash until the connection is unbound and have probably already been feeling the strain of it for quite some time. Which is why those involved in the ceremony are supposed to help to fix things or at least push the couple back towards each other so that they can talk things out and either fix things themselves or at least become civil towards each other again until it is unbound. Like I warned this was a long entry and I hope people actually finish reading it all the way through. Thank you for taking the time to read it if you made it this far. Please do not judge anyone I’ve mentioned strictly based on what I’ve said. I don’t expect anything I’ve written to change anything, I just needed to put this into words and have my story told, though there is far more to it than what I’ve written, but as it is, I’ve probably said far more than I should’ve to anyone other than Malachi himself. And he probably won’t forgive me for making our personal drama public knowledge, but I know I’m not completely crazy and keeping it all between just me and him sometimes makes me feel like I am, like I might’ve imagined some of this, but I know I haven’t. Thus now you all have a chunk of my story do with it as you wish, while I decide what I really want to do with my life anymore.