I thought things were finally going my way, but I guess I was wrong. I got into Heritage College, a massage school I'd been wanting to go to, classes start June 7th and since classes are from 5:30 to 9:30 weekdays and I work from 7 to 4 with my days off during the week, I'm not going to have much time to do anything else once classes start. That's why me and David broke up, because I couldn't handle the distance with all that I was going to be doing. I needed someone I was able to see more often because I know my stress levels and they like to jump around when I get busy. I didn't want to say goodbye to Stephen before I got to see him again, that's why I'd wanted to go see him before my classes started, but he never called or wrote me back, so I couldn't tell him I'd managed to get out of what I thought was a required promo for fair and all I had to do was request the days off and I'd be able to see him on a weekend like he'd wanted to do. But now I've found out that he gave my tickets to see him to someone else and my opportunity to see him then has passed. Since I get paid more for working weekends I wasn't going to take the weekend off if I wasn't going to be able to go. I actually had the ability to settle things with him once and for all, but that chance has passed and I won't get another one until early July during summer break and even that's still iffy. I was looking forward to finally being able to see him again, but I guess it just wasn't meant to be. When I found out he'd given away my ticket to go to DC, my chance to see him before I gave up on him, it hurt just as much as the realization that I had to say goodbye and really give him up. My heart kept screaming, but no one answered me, no one heard or felt my pain, no matter how great it was. I am how I once was, reaching out to someone that wasn't there or someone who was deaf to my call. I've said before that this family wasn't mine, that I didn't fit in it, that it was never meant for me, now I know I'm right. I am the same as I will always be, part of everything, yet not belonging to anything. Before the battle I loved who and what I was, I loved the feeling of belonging that surrounded me. I knew I was loved and protected by so much, by the higher powers themselves, though I wondered why I never really cared why they loved me so fully. I've longed for so long to be that person they loved again, but I can't. The past will not repeat, the family doesn't exist anymore, despite what those who claim to be part of it would like to believe. They're clinging to memories of a time long past. I don't belong in that family, I never really did. I've always been something different from them and I'm finally understanding why. I've wanted them to accept me because I didn't want to be alone, but as I've said so many times before that alone is what I am to be in the eyes of what we once were. My souls three in one, yet all the same tell me to leave and give up on my past, it is not mine anymore. My future does not lie within the family anymore, though I share some of their future as Freya does, we are not to walk with them. To say goodbye to one member of the family makes little sense so I'm saying goodbye to all since I never really belonged anyway. Some I will still see and talk with through renfest, but the others never knew me anyway. Nothing will change them, as they are bound to their paths yet unaware of it. Goodbye to those I once knew yet never met, I will meet you one day, but not soon enough I fear. I walk through life helping those I meet by giving them what they need to go on and live again. My proof of that is in the lives of Stephen and David, I'm sorry that I shall not see either of you again for so long as I love you both and always have, but have grown apart from each of you and learned to move on once before, so it was hard to go back to either of you to start with. For now at least I must look towards my current life, not my past or future, but in those around me. I do not know how my mortal life will fair me, but I have my old protection back again, so I believe I will thrive as I did before. Most like to think they make their own fate, but most are really bound by it. I will accept mine, but only when the time comes and I must. Freya is not here, so I do not need to accept my fate just yet. She is the only part I freely accept, the rest is still up for interpretation. I do not know her father, nor do I want to, but I doubt that it is those who I once thought would be. Last night's beautiful storm finally opened my eyes to those around me, so I must live this life before any others. Though I know who I am and what I will become, it doesn't mean I should ignore the present as I've been doing until now. My future lies outside of this so-called family I once wanted to be accepted by. I've learned that it doesn't matter who I know in the family or how they feel about me, they are still not my family and I will never really be part of them because they don't really want to change anything, but I guess I could be wrong as I've never met most of them in this life. The quiz I took awhile ago that said I was a broken angel was more accurate than most could ever realize. Perhaps this juggler, Micheal, will help to free me from the prison I lock myself into; while Bradford, my newfound kindred spirit, can keep me looking towards my other life, since I believe him to be part of it. My gypsies are finally learning to listen, though their forms need work, I think by the time fair starts, dancing will become their release as well as mine. But now to get used to the idea of being a professionally trained massuese unlike before when I went by instinct alone. The only downside of my new schedule is that I'm going to go insane from being so busy, but at least it'll be over next august, but then I'll have to start paying back my wonderful loan, even though I'll still be having to pay a couple hundred dollars out of pocket every month just to cover the approximately $3500 not covered by my loan. I know that I can make it through this with alot of work, the question is who will be there waiting for me when I've made it through this or will it just leave me standing alone again. I hope to see all of you on the other side when I've finished with this, but I know that I'll see some of you along the way, just don't stand in front of it is all I ask. I love you guys and I wish things could've been different but I've learned that your lives have bound you to where you stand, so until our paths cross again or I leave another entry I must say farewell to all of my past and finally look towards a future on my own.