For the longest time I've been pestered into getting a diary, since most of the people I talk to have them too. I put it off for so long because of the mess of a life I've gotten myself into lately. I've been going crazy with nothing to do, except talk. So now everyone can here me whether they want to or not. I've gotten so pissed off at people because of what I've read on this site from people assuming my thoughts and feelings to just being to open about them for me to take. My mind's been a wreck for months now and I'm barely beginning to sort through it all. From my complicated past with all its pain and love so real to me, it could've just happened, to now where just being here hurts me. I'm sick of all of it. I know it'll pass in time, but I don't want to wait. That's all I've done for years. I don't want that anymore. I'm not completely sure of what I do want but I know that waiting isn't it. I want my life back. My happiness comes and goes throughout my life, but now I want it back at almost any cost. I used to be happy, but I also used to be afraid of so much, though I believed in everything I used to fear it actually happening. I'm not afraid anymore, not of the future. I know what awaits me there and though so much pain and suffering stand in my way, I'll survive this test as I have all the others. I will find the happiness that's alluded me for so long. Eventually. But for now, I just have to learn to live again in this crazy world, it's nothing like it used to be.