I think that even when I was a kid I was afraid of committment.... I hated having to decide between things... I had so many interests, and I was talented... which was my downfall. I constantly heard how good and talented I was at everything, to the point that I was terrified not to be, afraid I would disappoint people. I was scared I couldn't live up to my own expectations. And now that I think about it.... It doomed me. I can't decide between anything I love. And thats screwed me for relationships. I'll never be just happy, because I'll never be able to say "this is it, THIS is what I want" cuz I'll be thinking about other things and thinking "but I really loved THAT too..." I never really had to decide between sports and theatre and camping or anything,. My mom was fantastic and got me from one impossible apointment to another. So I never had to choose.... But it also made sure I never nailed down one thing incredibly well. I never committed to anything. I COULD have been an amazing swimmer, or a great actor, or horsewoman, or fencer, or artist... but I would have had to choose it as the one thing I wanted to do above the others. And I didn't want to do that. So I'm just "talented" at everything... until I stopped doing it all. And now I'm not even passable... =( I'm just fucked. And I guess its possible that i could start again at something and figure out how to be happy... but I can't decide which passion is worth teh effort, because I honestly think they all woudl be. I COUDL be anything I really wanted to... I just can't choose. I want to sing I want to dance I want to draw I want to ride I want to play sports I want to just... be fucking amazing at something again, damnit I just need the chance... someone give me a chance... I'll knock your goddamned socks off.. just.... let me... show me how it worsk and I'll do it better than you thought it could be done.... So thats the root of my mental issues, and most of my relationship problems. Yep. So what good does knowing do?

Gaaah.... I'm terrible at updating this now. I really woudl liek to but it feels redundant. "Oh no, we're out of money" "The girls are awesome but frustrating" "STill have no job but looking" ... I mean, yeah. Not alot has really changed. I spent a week up in Kansas City, which was fun, but I didn't get to see everyone I'd hoped to. Though the girls got to spend A LOT of time with their littel cousin, which was really cool. It was adorable to see them all playing together. And Winter was incredibly helpful and well behaved the whole week. Of course now that we're home again, its back to fits of crying and stomping around... but it was nice for a while. I miss my best friend even more now, and I really really really wish I could figure out how to get a good car. I went to American idol auditions. Holy hell was that miserable. lol! I didn't exepct to make it past the first round, but it was still dissapointing. I mean, I got there at 3:30am, and didn't get done till almost 7pm. It was cold, boring, and I was thirsty and starving. Not sure I ever want to bother again, even if I were more prepared.... I sort of have this new job now where I work as a "guide" answering questions people call or text in, but right after I got on, they decided to change the payment system and I've been getting grumpy about it and not doing it as often as I should be. I also started an application to become a surrogate, which was going really well untill I had a phoen interview. We had to talk about my childhood and my past and we got on the subject of Awful-evil-bad-relationship from 2002 and I got a little choked up (of course, I was all hormonal and emotional from that little bit of monthly evil, so that didn't help) and the woman I was talking to said we should stop teh interview there because the surrogate process is incredibly invasive and almost always done by men, and that wasn't something she was comfortable putting me through until I'd "dealt with" what happened to me. *sigh* SO yeah... that's a bit depressing. I mean, no I never saw a professional about it, and no, I don't particularly feel that comfortable talking to a complete stranger about that fact that my ex-boyfriend raped me when I was 16. But it really doesn't bother me like that anymore. I -have- talked to people about it. It certainly doesn't effect my day to day life. I just don't see what sort of difference talking to a counselor woudl make. Blah... anyway. I was told to keep talking to the company, because they are interested, and once I "deal with" that baggage they would love to pursue this whole surrogacy thing with me. So yeah... I've been in a bit of a funk these last few days. Nothing new. The olympics have been neat this year. First time anyone's ever gotten 8 gold medals in one Olympic year, first time America's ever gotten gold AND silver in gymnastics, shit-tons of world records being made. Its been good to watch. Though... a strange thing occured to me whiel I've been watching. We had friends over and we talked about the different sports and such, and I realized how often I would say "yeah, I used to do that sport when I was younger". I mean... I said it ALOT. How the hell did I have time for all that crap? I swam, I did track, I rode horses, I dove (breifly), I fenced... there were multiple events that I seriously considered training for to someday GO to the olympics. What the hell happened to me?... .... Yep. Enough griping. I'm out.

"Perfect by nature Icons of self indulgence Just what we all need More lies about a world that Never was and never will be Have you no shame don't you see me You know you've got everybody fooled Look here she comes now Bow down and stare in wonder Oh how we love you No flaws when you're pretending But now I know she Never was and never will be You don't know how you've betrayed me And somehow you've got everybody fooled Without the mask where will you hide Can't find yourself lost in your lie I know the truth now I know who you are And I don't love you anymore It never was and never will be You're not real and you can't save me Somehow now you're everybody's fool" ~Evanescence

Violence. Anger. The soul of pain. Why do I surround myself in it? The time I would consider the "worst" time of my life was almost nothing but violence and anger. Yet, even now, when I feel the bite I do nothing but choke back any reaction, any outburst that would show the pain. Not as much... but still I do. I swallow my reaction. School my face to as little expression as I can. And return injury with love. Love and bitterness. Love I can't control. Love that renders me helpless against myself. Bitterness toward myself. Wait... now its gone. He smiled.. Why do I cry? Angry again. You're so angry all the time. Always so frustrated and angry. No laughter. No humor. Just anger. How can you truely love something when what you love makes you so mad? Thats who I am. I laugh. I joke around. I'm crazy. Its who I fucking am! Would you rather I be depressed and gloomy and dead all the time? No... I know you wouldn't. I'm just tired and hurting. You don't know, you don't see how every little hand gesture, every small look of disdain, every tiny sarcastic remark cuts into me. You don't understand how your actions can hurt me so. I don't see how... but I really think you are that blind. I know I caused you pain. I'm sorry my actions hurt you. I didn't mean to hurt you with my actions, I meant to hurt myself. When you weren't mine, when you started to favor someone else with yourself... I was hurt. So I did the same. I went to someone I knew would have me and tried to forget. Let him use me and lie to me again. Then, after you'd been mine for such a short while, when you found you couldn't bear to see her with anyone else... when we broke back down to "just dating", when you returned to her arms... I cried by your side as you slept. I realized that you could never be satisfied with only me. So I hardened myself... an old love of mine returned... you had someone else so I went to him as I have so many times before I even knew you... and he accepted me in for the first time. But he only wanted a good fuck. I knew that. I tried to bury the pain from you in teh pain from something else. All I was doing was trying to drown my emotions... justify the hurt I felt. I regret it. So what? I still did it. I strayed to another man's arms when I felt I had no real link or claim to you, and you had someone else. You had someone else. I would rather be betrayed a thousand times than sit by and watch the man I love in someone else's arms while I told myself it was alright, he still loves me, again. But I can't complain. I gave away my right to hurt when I lied back in December. When I was still lying to myself al the time. I hate fighting. I hate the anger. This stupid senseless anomosity is bullshit! I love you damnit. I understand that you still love her. I understand that multiple parts of you are being pulled back to her. I understand that you're under alot of stress and you're frightened and confused. I don't blame you. I'm not angry at you for any of that. I have no answers for you. If it were entirely my choice, I say "fuck all this bullshit" and we'd stay together how we were a few weeks ago, I'd get a job and help support and love your family. I'd still be yours you'd still be mine. You'd have a baby. It would have a daddy and two loving mommies. We'd all be okay. But its not entirely up to me. You would have to want and accept me as I am, a girl who loves you and can't bear to share you with another woman, and want me to be there for you and your child. She would have to want me to help support her and her child and accept that I'm going to be there. That is your two's decisions. What I want doesn't really matter right now. What you two are going to do, what is best for the child, THAT is what matters. I don't matter. Mommy matters. Daddy Matters. I'm just a girlfriend. ....*sigh* No... its not all pain and anger and nastiness. Its warm arms, soothing voices, restful cuddles. Its love. Its stressed stretched and abused love, yet love none the less. Why woudl I fight so hard for the life I just described above? I wouldn't. I fight for the life that makes me want life. The life that makes me feel like someone. The life I believe can go somewhere. The life I want to live. I'm sorry, my love. I truely am sorry. I don't want to hurt you anymore. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I want to smile at you and help you smile. Not yell. Can we please try and stop? Both of us? Before we get so angry or hurt or offended or whatever, can we stop and take a breath and let it go or try to figure out the intent behind what triggered us? We get so angry for simple misunderstandings. Or even just try to understand that the other one of us is scared and stressed and on edge. We explode before we even try. And we can even both cut back on snideness and sarcasm. Or realize it can be all in good fun. I love you. This is stupid. I want my lover back. Lets support eachother, not attack.

Sometimes I just wantto pack up and leave. I'm not particularly mad or upset at anything, just so you know. I just... guh. I get so TRAPPED and FRUSTRATED. I hate feeling like I can't ever leave the house. I know I -can-, but really... I don't know where to go. I could, I suppose, walk around the neighborhood... but I don't really want to corrall the girls outside by myself, and I also get really uncomfortable. I always feel like an intruder when people see me. Like they're judging me, wanting to know what I'm doing there. I know its rediculous... probabaly just my anxiety, but still... I hate spring. I hate getting restless. And I really really hate feeling like if I just started from scratch, I coudl be doing so much better than I am now. Liek when I unpacked my room. Everything is organized and put away (at least what -can- be put away) and I've kept it that way for a whiel now. Which proves, somehow, that I can do it. Which for some dumb reason makes it worse. I just organized the girls' toys into stuffed animals, hard toys, toys we're getting rid of, toys that are missing bits, and ??? toys. And again, I feel grumpy that when I'm left alone to a task it gets done. I -AM- capable. But not when I have to deal with... *sigh* Like I really need to prove to myself that I need "Does Not Work Well With Others" tattooed on my forehead. Yeah. That helps my feeling of self-worth. Yippee. Like I need these awful thoughts parading through my idiot skull. *sigh* Anyway... we finallyhave dentist appointmets for the girls. (Thank GOD) I just hope that Rowan doesn't lose any tooth chunks before then. They were suppose dto be the 4th, but that woudln't work, so I made them the 12th. But Goat couldn't change his schedule, so he moved them forward AGAIN. I dont even know when they are now. The 20-something-th. This month. I just pray they actually DO SOMETHING. I'm so scared that they'll just look at them, go "Well, their teeth are rotten out of their skulls", charge us a gazillion dollars and be done. I'm even more scare that they won't be ABLE to do anything because Rowan is so young and f*^%&* REFUSES to open her damn mouth (which is why her teeth are so bad already). Winter already broke off that last bit of remaining front tooth she had earlier this week. I feel like an awful mother, but for teh life of me, I have no idea what to do. Never have any more kids EVER, comes to mind. Appearantly my kids' teeth are doomed to be made of chalk. Not, I suppose, that I want any more kids.... I love Winter and Rowan to death,they make me happy. I don't really feel the need to have more. Its... nice/weird. And now I'm just depressed and twitchy and guilty and grumpy. Yay! Aren't I always so POSITIVE?! Stupid car. Stupid timing. Stupid money. Stupid house. Stupid anxiety. Stupid doubts. Stupid heart. Stupid head. Stupid stupid stupid.

This was too cute to not show off. =)

So its been almost two weeks and i still haven't heard from my doctor. I guess its for the best because I no longer have insurance. *sigh* I'm still having headaches though. I need to get a job, and/or Goat needs a new one because we aren't bringing in enough money to pay the bills. It uber sucks because Christmas is a week away, and we have no presents for anyone, including the girls. *sigh* I need to get into MBS to take that stupid skills test but I'm having to battle with schedules and severe anxiety (gee thanx, just what I need right now). Another suck is that we can't afford to go up to Kansas City this year, so I was hoping to get my family to come down here for Christmas, but my mom's flight leaves stupid early on the 25th, so there's basicly no way she's get to the airport in time. Also, the weather is supposed to get SUPER nasty on Friday and Saturday, so i'm not sure I want them driving down here then anyway. I'm not looking for sympathy or even comments, I just needed to get this off my chest and I don't think it woudl be very nice to just dump on teh next person I talk to. Not that I talk to anyone... Anyway... if Goat can get a betterpaying job and/or I can get oen that pays well enough, and still have reasonable hours I'll start doing alot better. I'm kind of angry and bitter about some things, and I'm not sure if its unfair or not... I don't think it is, but... *shrug* I think I'm beginning to just upset myself though, so I'm gonna stop.

I went to the hostpital yesterday (don't panic, that just happens to be where the eye clinic is at), and was there for around 4 hours. They dialted my eyes, poked me, shone lights in my eyes, made me read charts and weird pictures made of dots... I talked to around 5 different people and did some tests, and after all that... they're sending me back to my doctor. They appearantly found nothing wrong with my eyes. *sigh* I did overhear a few of the doctors talking in the hallway, and one of them mentioned something about "pituitary", but the other doctor, the one who told me its probably just headaches (f-you! I only started getting headaches AFTER my vision was blurry!) basicly shot him down. I looked it up on my own, and appearantly a pituitary tumor could cause all of my symptoms. That one doc wanted me to get screened for it (He repeatedly mentioned a CT scan), but the others seemed grumpy about it. As it stands, my doctor said if they found nothing to explain my symptoms he was going to try to find a neurologist to see me, and get me an MRI. This is all kind of scary stuff... but I'm trying not to make assumptions or jump to conclusions. So I guess right now I'll just wait to hear from Dr. Koopman. *sigh* I hate not knowing what to do.

Ophthalmologist. That -is- a really tough word to spell. = I've never been so torn about getting a diagnosis before. Obviously I don't WANT there to be anything wrong with my eyes. I've always had incredibly good vision, and I've been rather happy that way. When I got pregnant with Rowan, I stopped being able to read things at a distance. I chalked it up to the pregnancy (it can change the shape of your eyes temporarily, hormones and water retention etc), and after she was born I had somewhat gotten used to it, plus I was nursing, so I gnored it. These last few months though, it's gotten progressively worse. Things closer and closer were fuzzy now and then. Then more often... then I started getting headaches, and sometimes I'd get dizzy... Now, for about a week I haven't been able to read road signs until I was right by them, I can't read digital clocks or anything written in lights, and through out the day things will sometimes... bleed their color into halos around them. The headaches and dizziness have gotten worse too. Its no fun... Anyway, about a month ago an optometrist said I was seeing 20/20 as far ad he could tell, and I saw a doctor a week ago, and got bloodwork done. No anemia, no thyroid problem, white count is fine, no signs of kidney or liver issues. So I'm going to an ophthalmologist tomorrow to take a more extensive look at my eyes, and if there's nothing to explain my symptoms I'll need to see a neurologist and get an MRI. I'm a little scared... I don't like not being able to see clearly. And no one likes headaches.

It's hard to believe my youngest daughter is almost a year old. Even harder still when I realize that my oldest is going to be 3 in a couple months... I've been a mom for almost 3 freakin years! What the hell?! It makes no sense to me.... I don't feel momish. I mean, when you think "mom", I am not exactly what comes to mind. I dye my hair crazy colors, I go to LARPs, I make obnoxious comments, I love dressing in corsets and fishnet, I curse.... It blows my mind. I'm a mess. I'm not sure if you'd know it by looking at me or talking to me. You can never really tell how thick your mask is to other people. You have a biased view. I would guess that its hard to tell though unless you see alot of me. And no one does. Just the girls and Goat. He notices now and then, but I don't think even he really knows how unhappy I am. I guess it doesn't really matter. I can't really change anything, and I have responsibilities, so... *shrug* I don't know... I guess its just that I don't want -this- to be what the rest of my life is. And I don't want my children growing up with a mom who's this unhappy. I mean, what kind of example does that set for them? A shitty one. How can you help another person to learn to be happy when you aren't yourself? And more than anything, I want them to be happy. I'm rambling. And it isn't like I'm saying anything I haven't said before. I'm gonna look for a job now.

Yeah... I never really have anything I want to write anymore. Rowan is starting to connect sounds with objects and meanings. She says ball, and bye bye (while waving, which is adorable). She's walking like a pro. All in all, she's great. Winter has started making up stories, and pretending all the time, which is kind of cool. She's not so good at listening yet though, which is a pain. She's really smart, and tries to be super helpful with Rowan. She still loves her little sister alot, and that's awesome. They love to play together, especially in the bath. Goat went back to college today. Just part time, but it'll still take some adjusting to. It mean he's going to be around even less, which, let me tell you, is just -thrilling-. (note the dripping sarcasm) I need a haircut. My hair is still super short, but it's gotten shaggy, and its driving me nuts. I also need to color it. Its... funky... right now. Sadly, Punky seems to have been discontinued, so I'll need to find a new brand of dye to love. *le-sigh* As for me, I don't really have much to report. My life has been basicly the same drag for the past year or more. There have been major life events, but not for me specificly, just those close to me. And I really don't want to talk about it right now. I'm not sure I ever will, but it'll come up, I know. Anyway.... yeah. I'd like to try to get into the habit of writing again. I've been feeling incredibly secluded, even from myself, and I'm hoping that if I start writing again that will change. Hoping.

Two years can change a lot, can't it? *sigh* I've not had a good week. I don't think I want to go into details about my main concern right now... not until ... at least until I've learned to cope, and that won't be until I know the outcome... Why do bad things like this have to happen? God I'm so scared.... *sigh* This week has just been bad. On top of that monumental fear, I'm getting worse again. I'm afraid this is probably going to progress into all out bronchitis. I should have known that Amoxicillan wouldn't work. So I feel like shit. Plus Rowan is getting sick again. She's all congested, and sneezy, and coughing all the time, and is having trouble sleeping. =( Poor sweet thing. And she's still in such good spirits. Babies amaze me. Then there's my beef with our dental insurance. Appearantly there aren't ANY pediatric dentists in our plan within 100 miles of us. That is fucking absurd. We needed to get Winter in to a dentist before we left Kansas City. Now it's an emergency. She fell down yesterday and is now missing half a front tooth. *sigh* She doesn't seem to care but I don't like her having a jagged tooth bit. And I really worry about her other teeth which are rotting, and brushing them doesn't seem to help. I feel like a terrible mother. *sigh* I tired, I'm sick, I feel worried and guilty, and I'm scared. Add to that the normal caseload of a depresive idiot who makes bad life decisions and we have a fucking party!

So I'm on antibiotics again, because I have the throat plague. *makes a face* It sux. Mostly I'm irritated by the fact that swallowing is torture so having to down 3 pills a day (which I'm incapable of without eating anyway) is exceptionally difficult to say the least. I'm doing my best to do it though. I definately want to get rid of this. Rowan is crawling! As of a couple days ago she most definately is moving forward. Not smoothly, but still. She has the arm movement down, and the legs, but can't seem to coordinate them very well yet. All the same, she can move forward! WHOO! =D She's also decided to hit the "grab things and stick them in the mouth" phase. *wry grin* SO glad those two happened at once. Anyway.... So there's this new TV show out called "Raines", starring Jeff Goldblum. Just the fact that it stars him is enough to make me want to watch it, but the previews made it look even more appealing. I originally thought it was about a detective who talked to dead people to solve their cases. I was wrong. He actually talks to hallucination of dead people to solve their cases. Its awsome. I watched the pilot and the first episode today. I highly recommend it. very very good. Go to: This site and watch it. NOW!!! I DEMAND IT!!! Also, I finally met the babysitter! YAY! So hopefully I will soon have a life. And not just that but a possibly active social one. =D

I am thinking of investing in pajamas. (I do own some, but seeing as I have moved twice now without actually unpacking, said clothing is MIA) I know this isn't really the sort of thing one usually must contemplate, but alas, I am not what would be considered "usual". You see, having pajamas opens up the dreadful possibility of ending up wearing them at inappropriate hours. Or even (god forbid), for more than 24 hours at a time. I have discovered that sleeping without pajamas forces me to actually get dressed in the morning. It would be nice to have something comfy to sleep in, though, and it may help send my brain/body a signal that its time for sleep. *shrug* I dunno... Goat and I went to a LARP Saturday night. It was fun. We got his mom to watch the girls for a little while and it was honestly very nice to go out and be young and socialize and be a geek. Hopefully it will be a common occurance from now on. I posted an ad for a babysitter and I'm hoping that I have found one. She has all the credentials I was looking for and seems like a genuinely nice person. We haven't managed to meet yet due to bad timing, but that should be remedied once she gets back from Spring Break. I'm hoping against hope that it works out. First it will be just for the LARP, then for adding in some night's out, then possibly I can do theatre and/or get a job. So things have been going pretty well. I'm still having trouble sleeping, but meh. Sleep is for the WEAK! Or at least the sane... I think I'm doing better about my anxiety. I didn't cling to Goat all night at the LARP (in fact I didn't really spend much time with him at all), and I've been trying to seek out people to talk to. Still haven't gotten enough of a spine to talk to strangers unless they talked to me first... but I'm making progress. I think I may try writing a novel if this sleeping problem doesn't solve itself soon. Not really sure about the exact flow of teh plot, but maybe I over think things too much. Who knows. =)

I'm looking (actively) into modeling again. I'm hoping that maybe it will boost my self esteem... Its been pretty low since having Rowan. I still haven't managed to shed those last few (20) pounds of baby fat, and I'm am in the worst shape of my life. Plus I have stretch marks all up in my bidness.... I know, I can excercise an all that but it's really freaking hard to do with no babysitter! I think I may just try to find a cheap Bowflex or something online... As for the babysitter thing, I thought I had found one, but so far we haven't been able to successfully set up a meeting and my sudden onset of gumption is running out fast... Hopefully we'll be able to get together tomorrow before she goes to StL for spring break and things will be awesome. There's a chance that on Sunday I will be heading to Warrensburg to at least consult with an artist about getting my tattoo, and possibly start it. I'm excited. =) I've been wanting this thing for... god knows how long. I'm not sure how many sittings it will take if he's even willing to do it... I thik I could do it in one (trust me, I can handle that kind of pain, happily), but I doubt I'd be able to find any artist who could or would do it all at once. I don't even have a tangible design yet... I know what I want though so hopefully he can sketch it out for me. My biggest fear is that he won't do it. My next biggest fear is that it will be too expensive. Then I'm afraid I may have to wait till I stop breastfeeding to do it. *grumble* So much I still need to hammer out, but actually need to talk to an artist to do... *sigh* Saturday night there is a LARP I would like to go to. Once again though, that will depend on babysitter... I doubt I'll be able to go, but there's always next month. By then we had better have a sitter... I'm afraid my skin conditin may be sneaking its way back... I've been itching all over again, but not as severely as I used to. Hopefully its just Columbia's shit-tastic hard water... I really don't want to have to go back to being medication dependant. I want to be confidant. I want to like myself again.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! I just found out... ....my sister.... ........is having.... TWINS!

I used to believe in magic. It was all around me. I could feel it... taste it... touch it... I lived it... I breathed it.... I had Faith. But it fractured.... one of the pillars of my faith slid away... I don't feel it the way I used to... Its still there... but I can't touch it... it lingers on my tongue but I can't quench my thirst.... my life is void of the glimmer it once had... my breath is bland and empty... How can the absence of a person... of an ideal... leave me so dry..? The pain of this is far more than it deserves to be....

What Type Of Angel Have You Become? Angst. You are an angel of angst. Once one of water. But your depression has caused you to become an outcast. You love to be by yourself, as it helps you think. You have always, and always will wonder what has gone wrong. Your soul has been shattered, and your wings are in peices. But that's just you. You spend your days searching for something. Not someone. Though you don't know what you are looking for. You don't even remember who you are. And are always trying to find that person, yourself, your soul. Which seems to have been misplaced.But. When you find what you are looking for, it will become clear. All tragedy will be ripped from your wings, and your true colours will show. And then, you are the most powerful of them all.Hang on, keep looking for it is there. Just try not to loose all you hope and become nothing. For you are truly beautiful.Take this quiz! Quizilla | Join

Ok, its official. I like Blue October. Its been a long time since I've heard a song well written and heartfelt enough to make me cry. Maybe I've grown hard (I doubt it) or maybe its just that modern music is becoming almost entirely composed of crap and inane blather (more likely). Or its possible I just haven't been fortunate enough to be in the right places to hear good music. Who knows? But the fact remains that Blue October is an amazing band. Not only are the lyrics well written, but they are sung with genuine emotion, and the music is well written and performed. *sigh* I can't sleep. I apologize. When I can't sleep I seem to write like a pretentious ass, or at least someone who's trying too hard to sound intelligent. At least that's how it feels to me. =) It is not my intention to be deep or to write some all-revealing journey into the depths of my soul through a critique of a band whom I discovered in a late-night downloading session appeals to me on a level I haven't touched in quiet some time. But, as you can see, I have a tendancy to make sentences far longer than they needed to be when I'm up at 3am, picking at old wounds, and trying desperately not to think of new ways to feel emty and alone. I wish I could sleep... God... please let me find someone... something... anything....

I stumbled across a MySpace today in a desperate search for social interaction (aka: searching for LARPs in Columbia) that has me feeling... sad. And awkward. You see, this person sounds like someone I would love to talk to and get to know... but they happen to be an ex of my husband's. See why it would be awkward? Not to mention the fact that I can barely bring myself to message old friends, let alone complete strangers. That's my problem. I have NO IDEA how to make new friends. I find it terrifying to talk to a stranger. Absolutely petrifying. All the real friends I've ever had have fallen into one of three groups: A) People who came up to me and forced me to talk to them. B) Friends of group A C) People who happened to be hanging out with people in groups A & B that, at some point in the hanging out, ended up near me and without things to do besides comment with me on the interactions of said groups. Sad huh? I am entirely incapable of normal human interaction. I keep telling myself I should probabaly do something about it, especially since my social anxiety seems to be getting steadily worse, but once aain, can't bring myself to. On a happier note, I did manage to talk with a few people today that I haven't in a long while, making me happier. Its helps me get motivated to try to make contact with the outside world again. Maybe even get the guts to message complete strangers!... Or not. You know... baby steps. But I have got to find a way to make friends. I really really do. I'm in Columbia, and I'm GOING to be here for a long while (unless something drastic happens, which would honestly be kind of irritating). I have no friends here and thusly, no one to make friends off of. I lucked out in Jeff City because a bunch of Goat's friend still lived there and a bunch more moved there shortly after we did.But they've all scattered to the wind (like ya do) leaving a massive void of social interaction. I sent some applications to different groups on MySpace, and I started a forum thread on the BR website. Hopefully I'll find someone there... Other than that I really don't know what to do. If I can find a sitter, there are a couple LARPs listed at a local gaming store, and I'd liek to try to attend one. I woudl also love to start attending the SoStL games again. But, as stated before, a sitter is needed. *sigh* Anyway... I need sleep. Not that I'm going to get it, but I should try none the less. Goodnight.