So, for everyone who cares and doesn't already know, I'm about five days away from being out of the army, i'm going to be a father in august, my future wife and the mother of my child is currently in japan for school, I'm now a certified bartender with the highest score on the written test and fastest time on the speed test out of my bartending class, I have no idea when I'm going to be able to make it home to see everybody because I have no money and I'm trying to find a job but i shouldn't have a problem with that because the market out here is really high, but then I have to get myself established to be able to request time off, and yeah that's what i've got going on so far.

I Am A: Chaotic Neutral Elf Ranger Fighter Alignment:Chaotic Neutral characters are unstable, and frequently insane. They believe in disorder first and foremost, and will thus strive for that disorder in everything they do. This means that they will do whatever seems 'fun' or 'novel' at any given time. Race:Elves are the eldest of all races, although they are generally a bit smaller than humans. They are generally well-cultured, artistic, easy-going, and because of their long lives, unconcerned with day-to-day activities that other races frequently concern themselves with. Elves are, effectively, immortal, although they can be killed. After a thousand years or so, they simply pass on to the next plane of existance. Primary Class:Rangers are the defenders of nature and the elements. They are in tune with the Earth, and work to keep it safe and healthy. Secondary Class:Fighters are the warriors. They use weapons to accomplish their goals. This isn't to say that they aren't intelligent, but that they do, in fact, believe that violence is frequently the answer. Deity:Silvanus is the True Neutral god of nature. He is also known as the Patron of Druids. His followers believe in the perfect balance of nature, and believe that nature's bounty is preferable to any other 'civilizing' method. They wear leather or metallic scale mail, constructed of leaf-shaped scales. Silvanus's symbol is an oak leaf. Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy ofNeppyMan (e-mail)

For what seems like an eternity i've been running a race that so few people in america have the strength, courage or stupidity (whichever one it is, i'm not really sure anymore) to ever attempt. I've been pushing myself above and beyond my limits physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Now when I'm near the end, the finish line right in front of me, every aspect of my being is falling apart I can barely even crawl anymore and it seems that fate itself has come to the sideline just to trip me every time I try to take another step. But once again I won't let her bring me down, I will keep going as long as I have to, and I will draw my strength from everywhere I can possibly find it. I'm so tired, so sore, so ready to give up right now but i'll keep going if for no other reason because i have no other choice, I have to many people looking up to me, relying on me and the one that matters most isn't even in this world yet... my unborn son. So I'll keep fighting, keep running, keep going, and nothing, i mean nothing, will EVER keep me from realizing my dreams and giving my family the life I never had the chance to know.

It's been a long time since i left a new post on this diary, so i think it's time to update... plus i need a chance to vent, i always forget how much it helps to let go of deeply embedded emotion. First of all, i'm recently discovering how much karma you can build up against yourself with out even realizing you have done anything to cause it to come back on you. i learned very recently that i left behind some very powerful emotions with someone who was once very close to me and appearantly still is even though we just finished speeking for the first time in over a year. and now that i think about it i'm sure that there are still plenty of people who have emotions directed toward me, and who still think about me, which i know simply because i still think about them myself. and now that i have learned this very important life lesson i am going to do everything i can to purify that energy that has been turned at me and hopefully in doing so i can find some closure in my own life. And now for the good news... I'M GOING TO BE A DADDY!!!!!!! I never realized just how excited that news would ever make me but i find myself happier than i'd ever been before simply in thinking that in a few short months i'll have a family. i find myself falling deeply in love with what is right now a small group of cells but will one day be my own flesh and blood and that puts a feeling in my heart that i don't think i will ever be able to describe... not only that but i'm actually going to try the entire marriage thing again... i never thought i'd get over the first one, be able to ever trust another person enough to be able to put myself in that kind of situation but i think i have found somebody that i can actually trust, and i feel that more deeply in my soul than i've ever felt anything before. Anyway I think that just about sums everything up... i'm going to go now and maybe contemplate other things now..

today while i was cooking dinner i received a phone call from a number that i didn't recognize, and normally i don't answer calls from random numbers but for some reason i just felt like i should answer, and when i did it was a voice i haven't heard in a long time but a voice i never could forget. the first words i heard from that voice were guess who this is and immediately i answered "Gabriel". I hadn't heard that voice in over a year, and it was different, much calmer, much less wracked buy pain and chaos, but i could never forget the voice of my brother. It was refreshing to here that familiar voice, the voice of family so long lost, but at the same time disheartening, because i don't really know if the fates will be kind enough to let me revisit one of the few people i can still call family again, but i really hope to see him again, to drink with him, to eat with him to be merry with him once again, and to toast in his honor, i remember great memories with my brother, but i can see even reater ones possible in the future, if only the fates will smile down upon us and let us once again walk side by side even though the powers of the universe fear that sight more than anything else... I miss you my brother and fates willing we will once again show this world a taste of hell...

Whatever happened to romance? Whatever happened to the people that actually felt emotions strongly enough that they were inspired to write beautiful poetry, poetry of pain, of love, of happiness, of loss? I've reviewed some of my entries and I'm amazed I even wrote some of the things that I did, but i'm even more amazed at how few people we see now days that can put their feelings, their experience into words as great as i have let alone as did the poets of old. I find it sad that todays world, todays cutlture has begun to focus too much on multiplying what we already have in stead of improving our lives, in stead of finding new words, new forms, for the things in life that bring meaning and hope and purpose to life. If you mention the likes of john milton, dante, emily dickenson, to people now days you get only questions and blank stares, and i've been persecuted and ridiculed far to much for reading such works. Society at one time thrived on those that revolutionized the world, those that stood apart from the norm, that said and felt and did all the things that the rest of the world was too afraid to experience, and they were idolized. Now these people are looked down on or forgotten, they're outcast and ostracized, society looks only now for conformity, people who wear the same clothes, that watch the same movies, that listen to and write the same music that has already been made before. where di we lose ourselves, where did we stop caring and move toward the weekness that is bread in conformity, where are our heroes, our villains, our hopes, our dreams? Is ther noone left that is worthy to be emulated, is there noone left that is willing to step outside the norm, to improve what we have, to push the bounds and limits of life and move on to something greater? Religion speaks of heaven, of eternal life, but these things can not be gained by faith alone, for faith is truely fruitless without works, and without striving to improve heaven, eternal life, are barred from us. When will someone stand up, when will the masses be ready to see that they have decided to sit down on the path that they were once moving on and no longer a striving toward those things that once truely meant something to all of mankind. I'm willing to step outside of the box, to rise above those that stand around me, but one man alone can acomplish only touching those things within his life, to truely change the world, all people must gather together and show the world that it is truely ready to move on. I call on everyone to find their convictions, to truely feel and follow their hearts and find those that will follow whatever cause that is worth fighting for, to begin again to walk some path toward the advancement of mankind in stead of the world comminting the greatest sin it could ever commit no matter the belief structure that anyone follows... Indifference.

The Sun descended behind the trees Taking with it the warmth of day Leaving my heart cold and tired I went in search of the dawn Not knowing if the sun would ever Rise again I resigned myself to live Forever trapped in infinite darkness I searched night and day Pushed myself to the limits of my strength And just when I thought I would never again See the sun I saw light break over the horizon I fell and thanked the Gods To have finally smiled upon me Then, just as I saw the bottom of the sun I tripped and it sunk again behind the horizon But then, I felt a strange warmth Against my back I knew it somehow, it was familiar to me I turned and looked And beheld the most beautiful sight The sun had broken the horizon, risen Not the false dawn That I had created by running But true dawn And now that I have again seen the light I don't ever plan on letting the night Fall on me again

I'll be home the 23rd through the first, no strings attached!

21 Days till I see you all !! :p

Hi everybody! (hi dr. nick!) ok that's enough of that. well, this is what's going on in my life over the next couple of months. Next week i'm going to boston to see an MIT girls hockey team, specifically to see the american university team beat the everloving snot out of them. Then a couple weeks later I'm going back to massachussets, I can't spell, to spend thanksgiving with liz's family. then the next week I turn 21;) yay me. and the i go to quantico to train up on urban warfare in the same place that special forces, the cia, and delta force (the army's black ops) do all of their training. and then i start leave on the 18th, but i'll be spending the 18 through the 21 living in liz's new apartment so i can meet her dad who's coming home from afghanistan for christmas. then on the afternoon of the 22 i start driving home, hoping to make a trip halfway across the country in 48 hours. then i'll be home until the 1st and then it's back to work... grrrrr... well anyway, see you around.

Everyone who knows about this little journal of mine is pretty much from back home so I'm writing this directed at you. I miss you all, I really do, unfortunately since the army sucks I haven't been able to come home like I so desperately hoped I could. You can tell from my precious couple of entries that I've found a new girl in my life, and as much as it hurts me to let go, as much as I don't want to hurt kelly, and as much as i'm sorry that jess just can't hold on to my heart after everything that's happened, I find myself happier than I've ever been before in my life, I actually have a reason to live, a reason to fight, a reason to go on being myself and not let anyone take that away from me. I hope to be coming home for christmas but there's a possibility that I won't be able to. If I do, I'll be driving home, so I'll be able to go wherever I want, whenever I want, and I'll be able to do just about whatever I want. I'll also be bringing Liz, the girl that's managed to give me my life that I never knew I had, home with me. I know you all would like her, she's an awesome. outgoing really nice girl, and she shares certain beliefs and knowledge that the rest of us have, she's got a lot in common with the rest of us. But I understand if some of you, especially kelly and jess, don't want to meet her, I'll do what I can to see you in my own time while I'm home. If any of you have been trying to get ahold of me and found the task to be impossible, it's because with my new car and trying to get things done with it, I haven't been able to keeps up with my phone bills so my phone got turned off, It should be back on this weekend and I'll give everyone a call, sorry I haven't talked to you in so long, trust me I really do miss you and it's killing me to not be able to talk to you. But I think this is enough for now, talk to you all later and hopefully I'll see you around christmas. I love you all and miss you. Raksha

this relationship is going entirely too quickly, i've completely fallen head over heels for this girl and would do anything for her, it's scary. Most of my fear is starting to subside though, we've been doing a lot of talking, and she's just as enthralled with me as I am with her, and she doesn't ever want to lose me no matter what, and that scares her because she's almost willing to give up everything that she's wanted to do with her life just for me, but if she ever did that I'd beat her. we both have lives to live, and if she ever gave up her life, if she ever gave herself up then she'd be giving up a piece of herself that makes me love her so much. we'll both continue on with our plans in life, and as things are looking, after we've done the things we must that bring us apart, then we'll be together for a very very long time.

What i'm about to write is probably going to piss a few people off, but i can't hold it in any more, I sincerely apologize, but I can't dictate my feelings, or where my heart goes. I've met a girl that I've absolutely fallen in love with, she is everything I never knew I wanted. She's beautiful, she's cute, she's smart, she's playfull, she's adventurous, she's kinky, she's a totaly freak (if you get what I mean), and she's absolutely enthralled with me, and as much as somtimes I wish it wasn't so, I'm enthralled with her. The more time I spend with her the less I want to be away from her, and she's managed to do something that no other girl has ever accomplished, she's become a part of me in ways that I can't even explain, I feel her coursing through my veins, I hear her whispering sweet nothings in the back of my mind even when she's not there, I constantly feel her gentle caress against my face, and most of all, I can feel her living within in the deepest recesses of my heart. Kelly, I'm sorry but not even you managed to accomplish the things that she has, and I'm sorry, I still love you, but not like I love her, we both feel like we were meant to be together before fate ever had a face, a form, a purpose, and when we're together everything else just ceases to exist, the day and night come and go just for us, the sun and moon rise and fall, just for us, the flowers bloom, the seasons change, and the entire world moves just for us. I'm happier now than I've ever been in my entire life, and I don't think anything could ever bring me down off this cloud. I'll see everyone soon, though unfortunately not as soon as I'd hoped because the army sucks, and I'm sorry to all of those I have ever loved, and who have ever loved me, but the wheel turns, the world moves on, hearts change, and life finds the oddest places to blume into it's most beautiful colors. That's about it for now, i'll write again later.

Yesterday I went to ozzfest with a bunch of friends, saw black label society, superjoint ritual, dimmu borgir, slayer, judas priest, and black sabbath, all of which are bands I am totally obsessed with, along with a few others. Well, while we were there, a friend of mine were just walking around the amphitheater, and I noticed a little booth that was selling pewter jewelry, I've always loved those booths because you can find some really awesome stuff at them. While I was browsing through the jewelry they had I came across a ring that was formed of two wolves nuzzeling each other, it called to me more than anything else ever has so I bought. Now it's come to symbolise my greatest goal in life, to find another, lone, free spirited wolf that I can be together with for ever. I know one day I'll find it.

It's been a while since I wrote a new entry, but then again it's been a while since anything has happened that was worth writing about. Last night I made some new friends. Within just a couple of hours of knowing them I already felt I could trust them and consider them to be family. It's been so long since I have known the companionship of those who are like me, who truely know and understand who and what I am, and now I've finally been reunited with kin. They've reawakened my spirit and with it my senses, I feel like i've just woken up from a long sleep and am trying to get reaccustomed to hearing and seeing the real world. Another interesting thing happened to me last night, I got a call from Gabriel, he talked to me like nothing had ever happened, like we were still brothers and that everything was ok, like he would never, ever think of betraying me. I asked him about the events that led to me thinking that he had betrayed me, and he said that it was the doing of another person that was very capable of commiting the same crimes, and the sad thing is that both of them have such a history of lying that I'm no longer sure really of who it was. But it was good to talk to my brother again, and it pains me that because of his actions, he's driven everyone around him away, he's left with only two people he could ever trust, and I'm not sure if either of us really trust him fully because of things he's done. But for now I just have to hope that he's just always ended up in the wrong situations at the wrong times, and that he never really did betray any of us or himself. But alas, I am out of time so I have to wrap this up with nothing but two very incomplete thoughts, so for now, adieau.

For some reason this week God has decided to take out a personal vendetta against me and all of those I'm closest to. It all started with Reagan dying, i was out at hot topic minding my own business getting ready to buy a new hat and a shirt when my cell phone rings, i missed the call by a second so i checked my voice mail. the message was my team leader telling me to call him back asap and it was no bullshit, it was the real deal, so i call him back trying to figure out whats goin on and he tells me, reagans dead, we're leaving for california tonight. That night happened to be a very close friend of mines birthday and we were going to throw him this huge party, but I didn't get to go because I was stuck in the baracks all night getting ready to leave, we got on the bus to the airfield at 0300, the plains left at 0600 and as soon as we got out to ventura cali we went straight to work practicing and setting up for the funeral. all that week I was trying to get ahold of jessie because she was supposed to be coming up to see me this last weekend but I wasn't going to be able to get back to dc till late saturday evening. I never got her to answer the phone. So I call up my buddy doc and ask him if he could go to the airport to pick her up but i didn't have any of the flight information available to me at the moment so I told him i would get back to him with it, that was the last time i was able to use my phone till 2100 california time friday night, I called him to see if he had gotten her all right, he said that since i never got back to him that he thought id gotten everything taken care of so he'd gone out and gotten drunk, so I spent the next three hours yelling and cussing at all of my closest friends in dc trying to get them to find out how I could get ahold of her for me, and they were all too stupid drunk to help me out at all, finally i gave up, there was nothing more i could do with the current circumstances, i had used up all my resources, so i went to bed that night more pissed off than I'd ever been in my entire life and had the worst night of sleep i'd ever had. The next day we got up at six to catch the plane back at 1100, by the time we got back and got everything settled it was 2100 dc time, I ran to the hotel where jessie was staying hoping to god she'd still be there, i checked with the front desk and the guy said the room was under my name and was listed as a noshow, so i turned around and walked out, as i was walking down the parking lot out front one of the other guys behind the desk ran out and yelled at me to come back, he told me that since I hadn't been there with her they weren't able to give her a room, he also told me that she was going to mcdonalds to get something to eat and then go try to see a movie at union station, i ran over to mcdonalds, she wasn't there, I took the metro to union station, bought a ticket to the theater and ran in and out of every movie trying to find her, I never saw her, i went outside, sat down, had a cigarette, called the airport to have them page her to see if she was there, they put me on hold for over half an hour and i finally gave up on them. so she came all the way up here to dc to see me and i never saw her, and to think i was going to buy a later ticket for her to go home since i didn't get back till late and i wanted to spend as much time with her as possible. but now she thinks i forgot about her, that i don't care, and right now my soul has been ripped into pieces, i'm still trying to clean up the mess of pissing of all my friends friday night, i'm so stressed out that i can't think, i can't eat, i can barely move, and worst of all, my butterfly thinks i'm a complete asshole because god loves me, and i love him.

Today's one of those wierd days that my paternal instincts are kicking in. I want to be able to have a family. I want to have a wife, a kid, a dog, a little house with a lawn and a little garden out back, and a little patio with a grill. It's times like these that really make me miss my butterfly, because these were all the things we would have had together, these were the hopes and dreams that I had for us. But they're all gone now because I was too blind to appreciate what I had, too stupid to realize the kind of man I had to be. And now it's all gone, that entire life, those hopes, those dreams. So many times I have hoped and prayed and wished that I could make it work, that I could get all of those things back, but the more I look at it, the more I realize that the two of us have changed too much to ever get back together, to ever really be happy together. I was given a second chance even after I had lost everything, my eyes had been opened enough to appreciate the new things I had found, but I also knew I was still too stupid to be the kind of man I have to be, so I ran away, gave myself a new start in the military,seeking to be reborn, to get rid of all the things in myself that I hated and to gain all of the traits I admired and respected in others. I achieved that goal, but now that I love myself, that I've finally become the person I always wanted and new i had to be, I'm to far away to give my love to those I know deserve it most, I'm too far away to provide the life I always wanted to give to the one person I knew could always make e happy no matter what. And now that I left, all that happiness, that lack of pain and drama, has gone away, and I've left a scar that will always remain. Now ahe says she doesn't want to have anything to do with me, that she wants to let go and say goodbye, that would absolutely destroy the both of us, but I don't know if we could still have the happiness that seemed so inevitable at the time we were together. So for now I turn away from my past and look to my present, my new found friends and family, and I find happiness, they all seem to take away the pain, but those in my past see that as me turning my back on them, as wanting to move on without them, but I can't do that, my heart is still far too close to them for that, but I don't know what to do anymore, and our distance makes it so hard for me to show how much I care for them, and my circumstances make it so hard for me to chose between them. I know how I love the most, and if I thought it was possible to live in this world off of love alone, then she would be my first and only choice and noone, nothing could steer me away from her. But there's so much more to life than that, like experience, the connection of time, which I have with another. LIke understanding, which I have with yet another still. The one who understands knows that I have to have my life away from her and that there is nothing I can do about it, she knows that I have to look out for my friends, to be there for and with them. She knows that I have a job and that I have to take responsiblity within it and do things even when I'm not working in order to succeed. If only I can have the love of the one, the experience with the other, and the understanding of the third within any one of them, then I could truely be happy, but in stead I shall be torn and lost, forever to walk my path maybe not by myself, but definitely alone.

Well, she went home this weekend for mothers day. She told her family about me and now her brother and father have invited me to go play pool with them at a bar tonight. I am definitely expecting the old "if you hurt her..." speach from the both of them, and I know that this is all just a ploy to be able to size me up. I'm a little nervous about it, but I figure if she likes me so much, I should just be myself and hopefully they'll like me too. I'll just have to wait and see what happens tonight, and hopefully it'll go better than I'm afraid it will.

Well, it's been over a year since I joined the Army, so many things have happened and I've learned and done so many new and wonderful things, as well as had some nifty experiences. I look back on my life and see that I am now a completely different person, though I know for a fact that it has been for the better. I've made a fairly large group of close nit friends, some of which I've actually been able to share things with that previously only my closest friends had known, though I think they have become just as close, if not even closer than my old circle of friends, and not only that, it's drama free. Well I've actually come to enjoy life and now things seem so much different, I'm glad I joined the army, other than the fact that I'm so far away from those I truely love, but ce lavi, and sometimes you just have to learn to take the good with the bad, and stop to appreciate the things you have.

I finally got my money back! Yaaaayyy. And it just so happens that I have enough money saved up that I can bring one of my friends up here to see me. Yay again. The dillema is that as much as I'd like to bring certain people up to see me, I think it would seem a little unfair choosing one person to come up here. There are a few people who check this diary on a regular basis, all of which I would love to have come up and visit me, so I thought I'd do something to make it a little more fair. I want those of you who want to come up and see me to tell me why you would be the best choice, and I want to remind those who know what I'm talking about that this is open to EVERYONE who would like to come see me. I'm not doing this to be mean, or to make anybody think more than they have to, there're just so many people that I want to see that I can't decide who I want to see first. And by the way, I just got my leave papers in today, and it's a little later than I had hoped, but if everything goes my way I should be able to come home for about a week, week and a half the 11th of june, so those who don't get a chance to come up and see me will still get a chance to see me in a couple months. Anyway, that's about all I had to say so I'll leave everything else up to you guys. Later.