I sit here and realize that its been nine months since the last time that i updated my diary. I've left comments on other pages, but that doesn't really count. My 23rd birthday was a couple of days ago, and it has saddened me a bit. Not one of my Family was there to celebrate it with me. I'm getting old alone. Atleast I have my Pyriel, and please don't anyone argue with me. He is who he is. My Fire, My Dragon, My Angel, My Pyriel. If anyone is still out there, just scream. I love of all you as I always have. and in closing I still miss her, if anyone has any idea how i can relay that message to her, I miss her and I am so sorry. the pain burns my heart.

I have a car, I have a license. The wonders of how much freedom those two things can bring to a life. Well I just thought that you would all like to be warned to stay off the streets, because I barely passed my driving test less than 24 hours ago. And Gabriel call me....now!

I Am A: Neutral Good Elf Mage Bard Alignment:Neutral Good characters believe in the power of good above all else. They will work to make the world a better place, and will do whatever is necessary to bring that about, whether it goes for or against whatever is considered 'normal'. Race:Elves are the eldest of all races, although they are generally a bit smaller than humans. They are generally well-cultured, artistic, easy-going, and because of their long lives, unconcerned with day-to-day activities that other races frequently concern themselves with. Elves are, effectively, immortal, although they can be killed. After a thousand years or so, they simply pass on to the next plane of existance. Primary Class:Mages harness the magical energies for their own use. Spells, spell books, and long hours in the library are their loves. While often not physically strong, their mental talents can make up for this. Secondary Class:Bards are the entertainers. They sing, dance, and play instruments to make other people happy, and, frequently, make money. They also tend to dabble in magic a bit. Deity:Mystra is the Neutral Good goddess of magic. She is also known as the Lady of Mysteries. Followers of Mystra wear armor and carry shields with her symbol on them. Mystra's symbol is a ring of stars. Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy ofNeppyMan (e-mail)<

Breathe life Maybe a little hope To the buried Gods Bring sustenance To forgotten warriors Who must rise For war once more No dreams of glory Left to dead myths Gathering shadows Holding the vigil Aware of the stakes Bound by chains Imposed by the unknown Thier might Thier magicks Lay just out of reach Clouds drifting past Blocking the sun Those few glimpses Of single rays Keep them struggling Grasping for the key But to loosen one knot Means distraction Places other can be bound Paranoia Breeds Distrust Tears Friendship Forgotten Flames Dying To Our Fears

(This I post in response to Raksha accusation that there is no poetry left) Old hauntings return Reminding of my prison Self-imposed solitude Leading to regrets For a life I cannot grasp Sand I yearn to hold Squeeze each memory Created a solid reality Of memories and Dreams

I feel guilty, because I have pulled one of my infamous diappearing acts. When I seem to vanish off the face of the Earth, Goddess I doubt half of you even know or care that I still exist. I know that there are a few of you out there that would wish me permananty gone, but just when you think you have gotten rid of me I magically spring back up. I've gotten a new job waiting tables, which is nice because with tips it means that I always have a little bit of money. And I work overnight so I actually get a decent hourly wage too. But there are downsides to working the graveyard shift like Tuesdays, when I have to work until 8 (i usually get off at 7) and then have to be back up at 3 because we game on Tuesday nights, not to mention that Tuesday once a month when I run. Trying to run a game with these guys on half a night of sleep is beyond challenging. It's sucidal. But so far I have survived. But then its almost 11 and i can't sleep. Four hours, I have fours hours to attempt to get to sleep and get back up. Although I have to say that watching Jim sleep is relaxinging. Why does everyone look perfect while asleep. Oh Goddess I'm rambling.

It all begins again, everything thing that I thought I had conquered. That old darkness and its all back again. I feel like I should say more, explain reasons. But there are none, just the darkness. Will I ever escape?

I have been reading Ghost's journal enteries, not just on here but also on deviantart. And there is something that she has posted, i'm not sure if it should bother me or not. I'm working on a book have been since I was sixteen, she know this helped me work out some of the harder events, just by letting me talk through them with her. There are characters that are more than just words on paper, some of you understand that better than others. Characters like Sky, Kendroe, Gabrielle. And now I see she intends to publish a story with Kendroe and Sky in it. I'm not sure that it should bother me but ti does. It's just another knife in the dark. I know that if she publishes that story it may kill every possiblity of me ever getting my book published. I know there are things I could do, things taht would guarntee that I would own the characters, but that seems cruel. Cruel why do i care if am cruel to her she stomped on my heart several times. Dangled in front of me my greatest desire and then back stabbed me. Accused me of lying and then when she discovers the truth continues to tell me i'm not someone she ould like to talk to. Calls me a horrible person, why because i had the guts to tell the truth, why because she doesn't have the guts to go after what she wants, or because she is too much of a coward to admit that she was wrong, and that i've never lied to her, ever. Never have i lied to her. She was the one that i told things to that know one else knows. Cruelty?

I don't really know what picture to put at the top of this, maybe none for once. But, it just seems like a shame to leave it bare, but then maybe there is a lesson in there somewhere. I notice a couple of days ago that Ghost has a diary on here now, I'm drawn to it like a moth to the flame. Each time I look at her words it burns a part of my heart, each word is a little more pain. But, I never was good at releasing thoses I once love. Theres this voice in me that says i must keep up, because one day, maybe. No not maybe everyone knows that in the end we'll all end up in the same room. Everyone of us facing the other looking at out sins reflected in someone else's eyes. Becuase the truth is that we've all commited sins, no one is blameless not even you Ghost. One days I will get the truth out of you, one day I will actually know what i did to put such hate in your eyes. Well thats it for right now. I'll probably write some more in a couple of days.

There is such anger in my heart right now, and I can't put my finger on its cause. Maybe its because its so many things that have just built up until I can no longer stay in silence. I have finally found someone that can almost bring me to the brink of happiness, and all that I have gotten is hell for his age. No support, no happy you are happy. And I am not saying that I am happy, but this is the closest I have been to happiness in a long time, and because of it all i feel is more desolotion. Everyone i once loved and relied on has gone so far away. I know that I have said this again, but the pain has yet to cease. I often cotemplate my life, and what I want. What I want is either to have my life back or to have all the strings cut. My Wings is being cold to me, and yet I am still married to him in technicallities. He is so far away, and has moved on. but, i still have to stare at that string almost every day. It is fucking up my life. but how can you cut a string when the one holding it won't talk to you, not really. He's in town but I doubt that he will come to see me. like everyone else in my past he wants nothing to do with me, hasn't said it, but i hear it in his tone when he called. once he has called in the past four months. the man i once thought would always be my best friend the one that i would always love, and all i fear for him now is anger hurt and i think hate. this hole is emptying of love and is filling up with anger and hate. i am learning and that knowledge only makes me hate more, you myself everyone. until happiness is the light at the end of the tunnel that i don't have the strength to go towards. i sit here and wonder what i should have done differnt. would anything have been differnt if i didn't go down to New Orleans. I am starting to feel less guilty about sleeping with BJ because in the end it wouldn't have mattered. I would gotten bored, your demons would have eaten you up. You were my Wings but we were doomed so long i wanted to hold in my arms but you are just as poisonous as BJ, he taught me pain you taught me slow desolation. I think that if were meant to be we would have found a way, you wouldn't have wandered off with Kelly we would still be togther, but all of our promises were lies. I am bitter i am pain filled and i want to make someone pay. Silence is a bitch.

I haven't posted an entry in a very very long time, so here I am sitting on the eve of Halloween thinking that I should probably say a few words. Don't know what about, but I can't exactly just leave you all in limbo. I have a new job, still working retail, but working somewhere a bit snobbier, atleat it pays more. I miss everyone, more and more each day, but I muddle through. I wonder if anyone has been missing my poetry, just in case heres a little taste of something I wrote not to long ago. A hand in the dark Straining, squinting To see through this illusion Fearing That this ledge Is crumbling Another tumbling Falling angel Wings lost to sin Stained by betrayal Lost in dreams Fantasies Those haunting illusions I seek to escape But have I become blind Are you real Will this hand Keep mine Suffocating On indecision Drowning In memories Of strings uncut A puppet suspended By silver threads Gilded cages That once held doves Dedicated to a Lady Bleed by the new Religion And I sink No desire to rise That hand it stays Held by nightmares OR true salvation Anyways, I am not sure what I should say. Just kind of bored right now and wishing I had something to do tomorrow night, but it looks like I shall just be handing out candy. I guess that isn't such a bad thing, give me a chance to corrupt the minds of our youth. I just wish that certain people would call me sometimes. Anywas I guess I am off for now.

I probably spelled the title of this entry wrong, but thats so small compared to the reason I am writing this, so please excuse my lack of spelling knowledge. I posted a stupid questionaire on this site, you'll se that its the entry before this, just to see if there was anyone left out there. I suppose I was feeling lonely and vulnerable and I just wanted to know if anyone cared. Well, I got a response, not one I really wanted, but I suppose you get what you asked for. So now my question is, how is it that I have suceeded in driving away all my friends and getting shadows to hate me. I know that there are a few things in my past that I absolutely regret, but I also know that at the time I thought them the only course. Defending people I thought to be my friends, is not one of them though. No matter how some of the past drama turned out I will always defend those I believe to be loyal to me. I am often blinded by my need to think that everyone is good, and it has lead me to make some terrible judgement calls, but I did the best I could. I don't even blame the people who crucify me when I stand by them, we all do what we think is best. And, trust me when I say I am paying for all my mistakes. No matter what Becky said I should never had started a relationship with BJ. It was wrong in two differnt ways, one and probably the worst I broke my vows to Stephen and caused him immense pain. I will always hate myself for the way I treated him. And second I knew and often told people that BJ and Becky were doomed to always get back together, although that now seems beyond the realm of possiblty. I should never have meddled with someone who still held, no matter how small, a part of my best friends heart. I will always miss Becky, but somewhere deep deep I hold hope that one day I will speak with her again. It's a very distant hope, but its the only ounce of hope I have of once again seeing my lost 'sister' again. We went through so much together and she taught me what it was to love and now thats gone. And I take most of the responsiblity for it. But, after all this time, after my being in isolation I get a terrible comment from gods only knows who. And I must ask myself how I have gathered such hate to myself. Why after all this time someone would call me a self righteous bitch and then defend themselves for being a coward, maybe I shouldn't use that word, but hurt causes us to say stupid things, and not even reveal themselves. They let it slip that they had a diary here, but that only means they there are one of hundred or perhaps thousands of people. And then I ask myself, doesn't it have to be someone that I have meet personally to gather that much hate against me. I just don't know, and I want to. I want to know what my crimes were, I want to make up for it. I want to apologize if I can. But, I don't even know what I've done so all I can do is be confused by the shadows. It seems even the shadows carry blades.

I stole this from someone who stole it from somewhere of which i will never know. Please reply to this (you can choose more than an option) and then, if you want, post it in your own journal to see what people think about you. 1= I like you 2= I love you!! 3= You are funny 4= You are cool 5= I don't really care for your personality 6= I want to fuck you 7= You are sexy! 8= You have a nice body 9= I want to get to know you 10= I hope you die 11= Marry me, PLEASE? 12= wanna have sex later 13= lets cuddle 14= Let's go have some fun ^___^ 15= Wanna date some time? 16=Lovely personality

Staring at another dream Echoing sins of the past Searching for explanation Unable to find the strength To finish this pondering Unreachable reason For the ancient pain Another shattering Of these broken pieces Hastingly glued by fantasy Brainwashed by the hopeless The romantics and dreamers Those who have yet to lose The innocence Or the moon's gleam Knowledge I once held A self I once embraced A self who held faith Walked off the edge Never doubting I would be held

Last night was my weekly game session over at Jim's. It means that I get to see Jon for 12 hours, but never alone. Which at this point was fine considering I just wanted to see him again, in the last week I had seen him for 2 hours when he came over to play Tales of Symponia and then proceeded to take my gamecube so he could play his new game at his house. Even in for those two hours I was rejoicing that he was in my company. In the past couple of weeks I feel like he's been pulling away from me, like this morning I went to give him a good-bye kiss and he pulled away, said it was part of his evil plan, he has told me a couple times that he's testing me, for what I have not been informed. So I came to this little analogy. Once a flame flared within my soul burning me bright and bathing me in comforting heat. I watched with tears as the flame began to die until it was only the flickering and smoldering of an early morning hearth. But, with only a few twigs it would spring back to life, it could be larger if only it would be feed, but for now the occassional kindling is tossed keeping it above death.

Everyone should have someone to lean on. A safety fom insanity, your own personal net. But, I don't feel like I do. I feel so strongly about him, I don't want to use that four letter word-love-lightly. But, if not quite that than bordering on it. And yet I feel more alone. The world is squeezing the breath from my screams and he's pulling away again. I know is heart bares just as many battle scars, but isn't that even more reason to cling to a chance of hope of safety. It's a leap of faith and each time he doesn't jump my soul bleeds a little more, for I leapt and now I stand at the other side waiting. Don't we all just want to feel safe? Sometimes I wonder if I should let go, float this sea unanchored.

Okay see this is me pissed. I went to Washington DC to see Stephen this weekend only to find that he didn't show up at the airport. Waited around for close to two hours, had him paged, but no Stephen. Seems to have forgotten me. So, I knew there was hotel reservations, oh but they are in his name, and without his credit card I can't get into the room. So, here I am with $20, no place to stay, in a city that I have never before seen and no one to call. Because I forgot his cell phone number on my bed. I mean why would i need it, he would be right there at the gate to pick me up. I saw he had even rented a fucking car, and I thought well maybe something came up. And if it did why in the hell couldn't he have left a message on e-mail or called the hotel or sent someone he knew up to meet me. Because once again he's a fucking asshole. I was gonna wait until I talked to him but hell with it he doesn't care abotu my feelings. I am fileing for divorce. I hate all of this shit. I spent 40 hours stranded without a bed or much food all because i didnt' think it was rigth to stand him up. This is me pissed.

You've seen me torture myself, continually pick up those razorblades again, and I am sure you all shook your heads and wondered when I would finally do it. When I would pass into the darkness, when that last breath would come. When all hope would die. But, then you notice that something happens just when I am about to fall a hand reaches out and catches me, and you exhale the moment ends and life continues. But, still you know that it never lasts that I always walk back towards that cliff, do the stupid thing and go back to the place of my future death. You scream for me not to leave my hope, not to continue towards the rocks, but after a while you run out of breath and you lose hope in me. But, I have back away again, the same cycle, is there hope. An old friend, or maybe I can only call him an old aquaintence, a friend of a friend. Someone that I never quite knew, but someone who when all else fails rides in on a black Mustang and holds my hand again. Another who would see me not fall, someone who I want to finally not fuck up. I want to be the good girl again (in the necessary ways) I will turn 21 in 37 hours, a birthday is a new year, a new beginning and I must take advantage of it. No more of this shit about letting the collar pull me back. I must find my freedom. And it that thougths here is another version. A new voice in the darkness To haunt this ghost Tempt her with shattered dreams A new reason to weep Amazement The tears are not unseen A cunning angel A kind demon To create new rifts Sanity without reason Tightness that spreads Hope for the moments Doodles of the past Etchted with fresh fire Empath to empath A new chance New fears Trying to hide the darkness From one who's lived through the abyss And survived its demons To kiss me

Well, Stephen says he has bought me the tickets out to DC, it would be three weeks from tonight. Um...I think I am excited, but its hard to be truly exicted when you are this confused. There was a time when I wanted nothing more than my own life, and now I want to live my own life with a spice of the past. My Wings is the most confusing person in my life right now, continually changing his mind, until i no longer know what he expects from me. Ummm...I thought I had more to rant on this subject, but my poor mind has gone kind of blank. Right now I am talking to the evil that is Mythril. Guess what he got dumped and is now talking to me again. Shouldn't I be angry, spiteful, so what am I talking to him. Why am I letting him make everything seem like its normal. Because, like I said I want a spice of the past. And I am trying to be honest with myself there are certain people that I will love no matter what. And you should know who you are. Okay, what anyways thats the rants for this evening. Do you still love me?

I know that these are overused and corny, but maybe the are overused because they are good. Anyways, I wanted to express myself and I'm not feeling jaded enough today to write soemthing original, maybe tomorrow. For BJ: now i will tell you what i've done for you 50 thousand tears i've cried screaming deceiving and bleeding for you and you still won't hear me don't want your hand this time i'll save myself maybe i'll wake up for once not tormented daily defeated by you just when i thought i'd reached the bottom i'm dying again i'm going under drowning in you i'm falling forever i've got to break through i'm going under blurring and stirring the truth and the lies so i don't know what's real and what's not always confusing the thoughts in my head so i can't trust myself anymore i'm dying again i'm going under drowning in you i'm falling forever i've got to break through so go on and scream scream at me i'm so far away i won't be broken again i've got to breathe i can't keep going under For Stephen and Becky: my immortal i'm so tired of being here suppressed by all of my childish fears and if you have to leave i wish that you would just leave because your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone these wounds won't seem to heal this pain is just too real there's just too much that time cannot erase when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears and i've held your hand through all of these years but you still have all of me you used to captivate me by your resonating light but now i'm bound by the life you left behind your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams your voice it chased away all the sanity in me these wounds won't seem to heal this pain is just too real there's just too much that time cannot erase when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears and i've held your hand through all of these years but you still have all of me i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone and though you're still with me i've been alone all along