I'm engaged! I'm getting married this fall to the most wonderful man I could have ever asked for, and he's that and so much more.

Well, I'm no longer dating the guy I was dating in December, when I last wrote. But the guy I am dating now is amazing also. So, I'd pretty much have to say that I'm lucky lately with dating. Haha, for once, anyways. I've decided that I need to start jogging, and taking a bit better care of my body. I'm going to get into better shape (I hope) and hopefully my joints will feel better as well. That will be the best of things. Sorry this entry is going to be short. Peace out. <3

I know that I did the right thing. And I'm so much better than before, I can't even believe it. It's crazy the difference just a few months will make, especially when you know you have the support of your best friend. Even if that best friend tries to matchmake you. And even that turned out amazing! Go figure. Haha. Anyways, started dating this guy that my best friend set me up with (the guy is her husband's friend) and wow. We're so much alike, but also so different that it doesn't make it weird to be around each other. We both really like to cuddle, and get hugs, that kind of thing. Which works out great both ways. ^-^ We both snowboard (even though I haven't been up in like three years, uggh!), we both enjoy writing. He's a little more shy than anyone I've ever dated before, and honestly I really do love it. And another thing that I absolutely ADORE is that he's the kind of guy that tells his other guy friends that he loves them. Like, not in a homosexual way, but you know? Like how girls are always telling their girlfriends that they love them. ^-^ I love it! One thing I've noticed about most guys, is that when they go to kiss you, they almost always stare at your lips, making what they are about to do so obvious. Our first (and so far only) kiss, he didn't do that. He looked directly into my eyes, but it felt like he was staring into my soul, kind of feeling. I didn't feel like I was some object to be won, something to own. Equal. That is also something I have NEVER felt from a guy. Not once. The friend that set us up thinks that we'll be married within a year. It makes me laugh, but I also secretly wonder if she's right. We'll just have to wait and see. One last though. If I don't end up married to him, I will end up married to someone like him in personality.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. But then I realize it had to be done. He wasn't going to take me for who I am, and yet expected me to accept the drinking that he does. I'm walking away.

Sometimes I wonder what it all is worth. No matter how I try, I'm never good enough for him. I am me, but he doesn't seem to realize that I am the same person I have always been. I haven't changed, I'm still me. Which doesn't seem like enough anymore. Now it seems like I have to be this sex goddess for him to want to be around me. I'm not. I don't have sex. I'm not ready. I think I would seriously have some kind of like...mental break down or something. I don't know. And he acts like how I feel means nothing. I'll tell him not to do something because of how it makes me feel (usually related to the making me feel like a whore kind of thing) and he tells me not to take it personal and not to be such an effing pussy. Sorry, but I'm not one of your whores who will let you walk all over me.

I spent last night at his house. And about froze. We went to bed around one-ish, and as soon as he was asleep, he turned away from me so I didn't get the benefit of his body heat. His house is really cold and it sucked. Lol Anyways... More about that night. So he can and got me from work at a little before ten, and we went out to his place, and snuggled for a little bit and then ended up watching the movie "You Don't Mess With The Zohan". Which, by the way, is effing lame. Also seriously like...sexually charged, and not in a good way. Then the movie got over, and like I said, we went to bed, and it was freezing. And since he didn't snuggle me while we were sleeping, it was even more freezing. I'm a little person: five foot one inch, 106 pounds. Therefore, no body fat to keep me warm. I don't like being cold. I'm a little angry with him. He has basically told me that if I want to be with him like...long term, I have to give up the dreams I had for my future (the temple wedding I want to have) but HE doesn't have to stop drinking. GRR!! How is that at ALL fair? Haven't talked to him in two days, no wait three. Proud of myself, but at the same time, I miss just talking to him. But in all honesty, he isn't going to be the one I end up with. He will always be my first love, and will always have a tiny piece of my heart, but...*sigh* I don't know, I just want MORE and he isn't willing to give me more........... Aren't I worth it?

PANIC MOMENT MUCHLY. So I'm at work tonight and my cell in my pocket goes off. Finally managed to get a second to look at it, and had a serious panic moment. Basically he proposed, but now he won't tell me if he was really proposing or if he was just proposing to see how I'd respond. He knows what he would have to want to do to marry me--I know I'm not the best example of a Mormon, I'm not perfect, or even close, but I want to be married in the temple, and he knows that. And he makes fun of me for that. So if he's serious about marrying me, then he'll have to take me to the temple, and it would be a really long time before he would be worthy to go through the temple. But truth be told, I really only think he was asking to find out what I would say. I don't think he really wants to marry me, at least not the way I want to be married.

So. I realized today more than any other time how much I still really love him. I've known him for four years. I can't seem to get him out of my life, no matter how much I try. And not that I try all that often. He asked for a second chance and then decided not to take it when it was offered. But I still want him. And I don't even really want him like...physically. I don't want sex. I want to spend time with him, talk to him. Just be with him. Mooshy-gooshy sounding, I know. One of his closest friends died last week, and he came over today after the viewing, and that's the closest to crying I have ever seen him. He'd cried at the funeral home, and I could still see the traces of tears in his eyes and on his face. In that moment I just wanted to be able to take away the hurt for him, make it so he didn't have to hurt like that. But all I could do was hug him and listen to him talk. Maybe that's all he needed, but I wish I could have done more. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But at the same time I want such different things than he does, and I don't know if it would ever totally work with us. Not that it was ever given a change... A month and a half doesn't say anything about how it could work between two people. I wish this wasn't as complicated as it is.

I am never good enough.

Ha, so you know that horrible twist I mentioned in the last entry? Go figure that one came up. He'd been basically ignoring me. Apparently I was "demanding" because he said he would get back to me and never did and I kind of assumed our drive in movie date was never going to happen. Freaking. Gah. Which I'm still sure it isn't. Also he says that "a relationship with us is never going to work" because he leaves for boot camp in November and then by May he'll be gone from the valley for good. As in not coming back. It's a good thing I wasn't too attached. Here was to hoping. There is this other guy that I had kinda been dating too. Now he's also not speaking to me so there's the end of that. I just seem to have the worst luck with guys. I think I'm jinxed? I mean, never had a relationship longer than like two months because whenever I'm in one, the guy always panics and breaks up with me. I should just not date anymore for a while. Meanwhile, my ex wants me back. He says the "real" reason he broke up with me 9 months ago was because he realized how much he really did love me and it scared him because he didn't want to end up hurt again (his previous girlfriend was the biggest *insert curse word of choice here* on the face of the earth. they were together for four-ish years and pretty much she ruined him; I've known him the whole time he was with her). Anyways, so now he wants me back, and as much as I still care about him, I don't want to get hurt again, which seems to be what happens every time and I don't wanna deal with that. He's trying to quit drinking and smoking, which are two things that if he does do will help if I do CONSIDER taking him back. But the last item of consideration I know isn't going to happen because I know him so well. Not going to get my hopes up about that... *sigh*

I'm dating this boy. Basically he is perfect. He loves to cook, he's romantic, he's sweet, he's funny. He can dish it and take it. And he calls me beautiful. He bakes cupcakes from scratch and brings them to me at work, complete with homemade frosting. He comes to see me at work. He drives twenty minutes to come pick me up because he wants to see me, and I don't have a car to drive to see him. He plans dates two weeks in advance to drive down to go to dinner and a drive-in movie, and plans one big date four months in advance (which is a day-trip to Salt Lake). We've been dating on and off for three weeks and he still opens doors for me. But...... I shouldn't get too attached... He's leaving in four months for boot camp. Even if we do start an actual relationship, he's already told me he doesn't want me to wait for him while he's at boot camp, because he'll be gone for six months. Why do all the good things end up turning out to have this horrible twist? It's like karma is trying to kill me or something. I swear. Curse words. Lots of them. *sigh* I shouldn't get too attached. I always do. I don't want to fall for him. I don't want to shatter when I hit the bottom when he leaves for boot camp and tells me not to wait. But then the only other alternative is hurting him. Which I also do not want to do. I wish life didn't have to be so complicated.

Graduation is in May. THANK goodness. Too bad I won't be leaving this summer. It would be great.

It's been a while since I've updated. I miss him so much. Okay and now I sound like a sappy idiotic romantic person. I can't help it. I'm there for him for FOUR YEARS, listening to him complain and whine and moan about how much he hated Taci and yet he couldn't leave her and all that. Four years. I'm such an idiot. Why couldn't he trust me?

Why is it that when things are finally going great and wonderful for a couple of months... EVERYTHING seems to fall to pieces and all that great happy SHIT?! Why can't the deities of the universe just let me be at peace for once? GODDAMN!

Today.... ....is a very good day.

People seem to be under the impression that I'm getting too "up tight" about a boy. To clear things up (since people obviously don't know the whole story): This boy supposedly really "likes" me. He's a cute kid and all, and fun to go on dates with, but that's really where the attraction ends on my side of things. I don't know him nearly well enough to even consider being anything but just friends with him. Yeah, I'm almost 18 and all. And you know what? Even if I were to fall for someone now, whose place is it to judge me because of my age? Especially someone who is a self-proclaimed Mormon (you know, the ones who say they don't judge people?). No one has the right to judge me in this life, and those who do, well, they aren't worth my time to worry about. I try my darnedest not to judge people, and the only time I change my opinion of someone is when they do something to change my opinion of them. So if the person who wrote the annonomous comment is reading this, [anonymous (76.27.109.62)], (And by the way, I do know who you are), stop judging me, stop acting superior, just stop. You don't know me, you don't get to think that because you think you do know me, you can judge me according to what you THINK you know. Get a life and stop dramatizing everyone else's.

He keeps saying "I love you". How can I believe him? I don't know if I can trust him. He had surgery a day before he started saying those three words. Am I wrong to think that it was more the pain killers talking than him?? He's such a sweet kid when he's being..."normal" and stuff. When he's in a bad mood, he can be all surly and stuff and it's no fun being around him. Luckily that doesn't happen often, and when he's in a good mood, that's when I feel like maybe it wouldn't be so bad to be dating him steady. He flirts with me in a way that people rarely flirt with me anymore. Not that people really flirt with me anymore anyways...maybe that's why I like him to flirt with me. I have to admit, I like the attention he gives me, but I don't want to "date" him because I like the attention he gives me. If I date someone it's going to be because I like that person and not because they like me and give me attention. Steph says that when he went into work before his surgery, there were two things that he'd talk about; me and his surgery. She thinks its cute. It just worries me a little; how can he think he knows me that well? He knows the small fraction of me that is the super-flirty side. He hasn't seen the serious side, the studious-try-to-get-good-grades struggling side, the emotional side. There are so many aspects of me that he doesn't really know. He thinks he might do band. What an ideal way for him to get to know me a little better. Band is the biggest part of my life right now, the most time consuming. If I were to be dating him right now, I'd never have time for him, I'd always be doing band things. If he were in band with me, he'd understand that, and we'd be at rehersals together. It still scares me to think that if it hadn't been the painkillers from after his surgery talking, that he really does love me (unlikely). I don't know how to handle that. I've been lied to with those words on more than one occasion and I don't like to think that it might just be that with him too...

How can I believe a single word any guy ever says to me? They all just lie and cheat and hurt and break. I'm just another face for them to stare at. Someone to talk to or about. Someone to snuggle up to when they are lonely. But will I ever be someone anyone wants to love....?

I was bored today and was looking at random myspace pages, and I came across his and hers. Gosh, I'd forgotten how it made me feel to see him, and pictures are so much the same. I miss him so much. I miss being able to complain to him...okay, that came out wrong. I miss being able to talk to him, tell him everything that's going on in my life. I miss him telling me he loves me. I miss being able to be there for him when things went wrong. He used to say that if it weren't for all the other stuff going on in his life, he'd change and go on a mission so that when he got home he could marry me. I think I'd always kind of known that it would never happen...but that doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt. Its been since November since I've talked to him; that's six months. I drove past him once, and when he recognized me, his face looked so strange--a combination of surprise, longing, and sadness. Seeing his picture hurt somewhere that I'd forgotten could hurt... I miss him.

"Myth" will no longer be writing on this diary. Seeing as how this diary really belongs to someone else and that person would not be "Myth" and seeing as how "Myth" is a pathological liar and manipulator, I don't want her using my diary anymore. That's all.