Words are a terrible thing. Terrible and great. They hurt, break, tear apart. But can uplift, ease pain, calm. So how can so many little words make you feel so small and insignificant? Or build your ego and help you grow? Why do words matter so much? What about the words that cause holes in your heart? People say "time heals all wounds." But its not true. Because no matter what, no matter how you heal, there is still the tug where the words dug into you. You remember the words, you remember how they made you feel. Time can't erase that. Never will be able to. You remember the pain. And you would give anything to never feel like that again. Forgiveness. Again and again. Words hurt. Plain and simple. Time will never change that.

Honesty, honestly Love you. Forever. Scared to death of the feeling- yet welcoming you wholeheartedly. Wishing to spend an eternity in your arms. Loving you. Want to hold you always. The constant good in my life. Can't believe I feel this way. Seems too soon-- too much, too fast. But right at the same time. How? Perfectly matched-- you and I have become we. No fear of telling you the truth. You don't run. Honesty doesn't scare you. Thank you. For loving me and making me realize that love, always love, is there. Forever. Right within reach, but where you least expect to find it. Forever you are mine. Can't wait for the rest of our lives together. Waiting, testing my patience, but knowing someday you and I will become us. And forever won't seem long enough. Just want to hold you. Now and always. Trusting you, completely I love you. Always and forever, no matter what.

Broken no more Pieced together by time. Healed. Pain faded away Now I'm me again. But different-- stronger-- better than before. Because you broke me. But I survived. Destined to find someone else. Someone who isn't going to try to hurt me. Who just wants to love me. The way you didn't. Wouldn't. Couldn't. Thank you for leaving so I could become more than what I was. I have grown up Learned that just because the words are said, actions still speak louder. Yours were deafening. But now I hear again. Time passed, pain eased, scars healed. I became better.

HA! I finally found at least ONE of my good poems that got erased from here. Thank goodness...there are still at least a dozen that just disappeared and it makes me very angry....anyways here's the one I found. Standing alone. Why did you leave? Where did you go? I am alone. Empty. Emotionless. Eyes are blank. Feeling nothing. Seeing everything. Alone. Broken. Why couldn't you see? How could you do this to me? Abandoned. Crushed. Used and thrown aside. Forever alone. Boxed up and put away. Memories fade. Empty shell. Gone. YOU ARE GONE. Why am I alone again? Always alone. Jinxed. Banned to a dark empty world. Forever. Didn't you care? Didn't you want me? Of course not. Beautiful and smart not your style. Never good enough. Always left behind. Never leaving anyone. I am alone again. Forgotten. Always. Passed up for something else. Prettier. Thinner. Sorry, I don't like skeletons. I refuse to be model thin. I am ME. Beautiful. Strong. Confident. Almost. But somehow never enough. Not as ME. Never me. Lied to. Cheating. Faithful to me? Can't be. Honest with me? Don't dare to be. Try to make it work? Too hard. I AM NEVER GOOD ENOUGH. And for what? Someone thin? Beautiful? WHAT DOES IT ALL MATTER? Everyone gets ugly eventually. Get over it. Just let me be me. Don't stop talking. Just because I'm not perfect. I am. Just the way I am. Can't change me. Don't try. Why? I AM ME. Why am I alone? Bitter? Yes. Just a little. Can't trust. Don't believe. It hurts. Don't wanna hurt again. Easier not to fall. There's no shatter at the end. Just want the fairytale. But it has to be real. Nothing fake. I don't do fake.

It's been said that you are one of three people in life; a hurter, a hurted, or a soother of the hurt for the hurted. You will have experienced all three by the time you die, but you will be predominantly one over the other two. When my friend "Andrea" told me that she and her friend w/ benefits had gone the extra mile, she was happy at first. But as the guilt sunk in she eventually told the counselors at school who told her to tell her parents. They were real mean about it, calling her a sleazy slut and an easy girl. The day before she told her parents, our seminary teacher was telling us that the angels God sends us aren't always people dressed in white whose feet don't touch the ground; that they can be our best friends, or even people we don't know. As "Andrea" dealt with everything that she had too, she told me that I was her angel; that God sent me to her to help her through this. My friend "Kelly" got a real bad stomach ache at a party and she has to lay down in a room by herself. I stayed with her and she told me stories about her injuries that she had accumulated; I helped her forget her pain. After awhile she said, "You know how much I love you right?" A lot was my response. "Right. [Then with a half-drunk, half-drugged look on her face] You will make a wonderful mother. There is something very special about you." At a sock-hop after a football game, one of my closest friends, who I've known since the first grade, "Tamera", had a break down in the bathroom. It had been a very tough week and one of our friends was treating suicide and "Tamera" was worried about her; she was crying hysterically. I went it and talked to her. I was stuffy in the bathroom so I took her outside and up a flight of stairs on the outside of the building. The moon was half-full and bright. I told "Tamera" about the various people that I knew and could see in the parking lot below. My drum captain who had gone a new lap-top and was happy 'cause now he could watch drum movies in school; our first & second bass players who were madly in love but had decided not to steady date 'cause they were told not too by their religious leader. She turned to me after she had calmed down and asked, "How do you do that?" "Do what?" "Tell me about people I don't even know and get me to calm down. You do it like it's nothing but it's everything." I seem to be their angel. But who’s mine? I've been... I've had some horrible stuff happen to me. I get beat on by my cousins because I'm a girl; my life is tough and I'd rather not deal with it all. Homework is hard because I learn different from everyone else; I couldn't read until the fourth grade, for Peter's sake! My friends lean on me so much for help; boys are so stupid. I want to have a guy love me but I know that's not going to happen in high school. I want the friendship of someone who... Every time we talk to each other we either end up fighting or making out and neither is good. I'm to busy being someone else's angel that I don't have one of my own. Someone who I can talk to about, well, everything. I mean everything. Landon, Mark, Joe, homework, parents, drumline, school, sucky teachers, siblings, friendship problems, heartache, physical pain... EVERYTHING! As much as I love my friends, i feel like there isn't one who I can tell absolutely everything too. I want to but I feel like if I say something wrong that they will get mad... Who’s my angel? ~Ciao *names have been changed to protect the innocent, the not so innocent and the dead guilty

Standing alone. Why did you leave? Where did you go? I am alone. Empty. Emotionless. Eyes are blank. Feeling nothing. Seeing everything. Alone. Broken. Why couldn't you see? How could you do this to me? Abandoned. Crushed. Used and thrown aside. Forever alone. Boxed up and put away. Memories fade. Empty shell. Gone. YOU ARE GONE. Why am I alone again? Always alone. Jinxed. Banned to a dark empty world. Forever. Didn't you care? Didn't you want me? Of course not. Beautiful and smart not your style. Never good enough. Always left behind. Never leaving anyone. I am alone again. Forgotten. Always. Passed up for something else. Prettier. Thinner. Sorry, I don't like skeletons. I refuse to be model thin. I am ME. Beautiful. Strong. Confident. Almost. But somehow never enough. Not as ME. Never me. Lied to. Cheating. Faithful to me? Can't be. Honest with me? Don't dare to be. Try to make it work? Too hard. I AM NEVER GOOD ENOUGH. And for what? Someone thin? Beautiful? WHAT DOES IT ALL MATTER? Everyone gets ugly eventually. Get over it. Just let me be me. Don't stop talking. Just because I'm not perfect. I am. Just the way I am. Can't change me. Don't try. Why? I AM ME. Why am I alone? Bitter? Yes. Just a little. Can't trust. Don't believe. It hurts. Don't wanna hurt again. Easier not to fall. There's no shatter at the end. Just want the fairytale. But it has to be real. Nothing fake. I don't do fake.

Don't lie Don't try to tell me that you want me around When you don't Lies don't appeal. Don't hold me Don't kiss me pretending I'm the girl that you want Lies don't appeal. Don't talk Don't explain words are so empty Lies don't appeal. Don't pull me in Just to push me away and say it's because you don't want me to wait Lies don't appeal.

You say you have a crush and you write it on a bathroom stall Everyone sees but no one knows so why does it even matter?

Turn around. Face me. Look me in the eyes. Can't? Coward! Turn around. Face me. Look me in the eyes. Won't? Liar! Turn around. Face me. Look me in the eyes. Don't? Too bad. You might have seen something. Truth. Honestly. Love. You couldn't stand it. But sometimes truth is not kind. BRUTAL. Like me.

Pushed back into the darkness Reaching out for him. I find nothing. He isn't there to hold me. Not anymore. Where is he? What happened? I don't want to be alone again. Not now that I've found you--what I've been missing. Silky dark across my eyes I can't see you. I'm so alone. Sure this is just another stupid sappy romance poem. I don't want to lose what I've found. My love. He has the pieces of my heart clutched in the palm of his hand. Crushing them. I don't care how sappy it is. I love him.

Ciao had moved. She wishes you all wonderful lives and thanks you for putting up with her complaining for this long. Good-bye, ya'll.

Raindrops hit my face Mascara runs. Black tears— They match your heart— Cold, dead, unfeeling. Standing here Close, caring. Don't you see it— Why can't you see it— I've always cared. Just let me be there. Be you. Please? I've tried, only so much I can do. Let me in. I love you.

Over the last few weeks, Nathan and I have been growing apart. When ever we are around one another we talk and laugh and joke and hug like best friends, not lovers, do. I still love and care about him, but more in the way I care about a friend or maybe a brother. I'm okay we us just being friends. It will get him out into college dating & I can date some guys in my high school. I've kinda grown from this relationship. It's the first in which a guy has actually respected me and he's taught me that there are good guys out there. I don't want to hurt him by bring up this topic with him; for all I know he's just busy and can't do the same things he used to. But at the same time, maybe he feels the same way and just doesn't want to hurt me. One of the biggest reason I don't want to bring it up, however, deals with my friends; I worried that they will react funny. "Oh, she's broken hearted again." Or, "Poor thing, maybe we should try to set her up with someone"; I know at least one friend would pull that. I won't be broken hearted from this unless it ends up in a shouting match with us swaring curses on the others name and the like. Next time I see him I might bring it (put emphasis on "might"). Well, I'll update ya'll after I have the little talk. Ciao

I trust Nathan not to hurt me physicly but I think I'm going to die when he brakes my heart. One way or another, it will happen. He'll end up braking me and I won't be able to take it. I'm very much in love with him. If it werent for the fact that we are LDS then I would let him have me. Why am I so screwd up like this? I want him to go on a mission but I know that if we are still togeather when he leaves the chances of us getting togeather when he get's back are slim. But I know that if he dosen't go then his mother and my mother and my friends and Ali will blame me and I don't like people blaming me for stuff. I love him and I never want to hurt him in any way. *sign* Love is very tricky. In other news, I have hurt me ankle again and am in an orthopedic boot. I can't march until about mid-September, maybe even the end of september. My senior year starts on... TOMARROW?!?!? I'm scared and excited. I don't know if I'm ready for this. I know I'm ready for college and moving out, but I don't know if I'm ready for scholarship applications and college applications and being done with Marching Band... This year is bound to be interseting.

Nathan is back in town and I'm scared to see him again. sad? yes... I like him but at the same time i feel very nervous and... queasy? Like when you see a guy that you think might be a rapist? well, that's how i kinda feel... I'm not scared that he will doing anything to me but i'm scared that he might try. i'm also afraid of getting my heart broken again... I'll i have left of my heart is some powder and if he brakes that bottle that holds the powder, then i wil have nothing left. i'm to scared to ask for help, but i think i might need some. ciao

I got to see nate for the frist time in little under a month. He'll be moving here permenatnely on August 14th... I miss him sooo much! My parents have restictied me to 2 calls a week, although I shall be petitioning for three. He's such a good kisser, and he's so nice and smart. When I asked him what kind of kid he considered himself in high school, he said jock. Understandable, considering that he wrestled, swam, and did marching band. He also said "book smart" and when asked about his track record, he said that he didn't consider himself a player, because he normally stuck with a girl for a long time. I called him "the untouchable, genius jock." He laughed... Then I asked him if he used his smarts wisely; his responce was that he did, if using them wisely was using them to get what he liked. When asked what he liked, he squezed my hand and said, "You... And money." We laughed about that one for a while. I really think I love him. ~Ciao

I'm no longer talking to Chris at all. I cut him off. I haven't talked to him since the weekend before I went to Navuoo. I went to EFY and met a guy that I seriously like a whole lot. I mean more then I've ever liked anyone before in my life. I also have his watch which is cool because when he comes back for school in august he's going to come to find me so that he can get his watch back... says him :-) anywho... that's all Ciao

On Friday, Chris called out of the blue and asked me to come to his house for a “Shin-dig.” He was sounding kinda anxious, and he told me to bring as many friends as possible. I called Morgan and asked her to come, and I wanted to call Steph and Brad, but they live in Clarkston so I wouldn’t be able to go get them. Next, I called my dad and asked him if it was okay. Papa was shocked that I was even asking; he said that if Chris made me cry again, then no one would ever find what was left of him. I went out to Smithfield and picked up Morgan, and she looked great so we went back to my house and gussied me up. I wore mostly Ali’s stuff and did my hair in a ponytail with my bangs flipped up into a twist on the top of my head. We ran into my mama on the way out the door. She asked why I was going and I said that Chris had home-made pizza at his house; Mama said that she would make me pizza if I just stayed home. I was tempted to take the offer, but I wanted to see Chris (go figure). Morgan and I had just barely entered the neighborhood that Chris lives in when my cell went off; Morgan answered it, and it was Chris. She told him that we were almost there and as we passed his house, I honked. We parked on the opposite side of the street from his house and as we got out, Chris was standing outside. We walked up to him and Chris gave her a hug. I went to walk past him, when he asked if he got a hug, so I hugged him and said hi. When we walked in, Chris shouted, “You can come out now!” Stephanie and Brad jumped out from one of the hallways. I was floored! I was so happy to see Steph that I almost cried. I was about to ask why they were there when I saw Aaron, Steph’s cousin and best friend of Chris. I walked over to sit on the couch, when Chris’s sister, Jess, mobbed me. She hugged me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. Jess and I are way tight; she’s one of my best friends. After Jess was down hugging me to death, Chris told me and Morgan to get up and come eat. Chris had made pizza, really good pizza. I took a piece and stuffed it into my mouth. It was soooo good!!! After I ate some pizza I went and found a phone and called my mama. I told her that Steph was here; she was really happy to hear that. When I went back upstairs, me, Jess, and Morgan went to the frige and found some little mousse pies. We were on our way out of the kitchen when Aaron knocked the glass bowl out of Jess’s hands… it shattered! We cleaned that up and then Jade made me eat some pie even though I didn’t want any. It was good chocolate mousse pie *contented sigh.* After the pie, Chris had us migrate downstairs to the theater room to watch a movie. We were going to watch “Deja-vu” but its rated PG-13, so Steph and Brad couldn’t watch it. We settled on “Night at the Museum.” Steph, Morgan, Jess, and I decided that we were on a date; all four of us. Then Jess and Megan had to go to bed. As they went to bed I got a coughing attack, so I went out to the family room and started coughing. Jess heard me and came to my rescue. She took me to the storage room and we got some cups, then we went back to the family room and I got a drink. Chris was hiding in his room, so Jess went and asked Aaron to see what was wrong with him, then Jess and I went into her room to talk. She told me that when Chris had gotten home the Friday before, you know, after the drive-in, he told her that he figured it was over, that I would never want to see him again. She also said that Chris was acting really weird lately, that he wasn’t talking to her as much as he used too. We had been in Jess’s room for about 15 minutes when Steph and Morgan came in. They joined our conversation about how Chris was having his time of the week. After a while, Morgan wanted to go and get Chris and have a good talking at him. I said that I would go and see if Aaron had gotten him back into the theater. I went into the theater and saw that Chris was in there, then I went back to Jess’s room. When I told Morgan that he was watching the movie, she jumped up and went to go get him. But I told her that I was okay, that we didn’t need to get him. Chris came in the room a few minutes later and said that Jess really need to get to sleep, so we gave Jess our phone numbers and email’s then gave her a kiss good night and went back to the theater. We had been in there for only a few minutes when Steph said that she had to leave, so we went to walk to her car; Jess was outside the theater talking to Chris. Jess caught up with us as we were just exiting the front door. On the way to Steph’s car we came up with the plan that when we got back inside, I would wait outside the theater with Jess and Morgan would go and get Chris. Steph told me to call her and tell her everything that happened. On our way back to the house, Jess said that Chris felt like I was trying to get back at him for last Friday by talking to his sister more then him. When we got back downstairs, Jess and I got a drink of water while Morgan went and got Chris. When he came out of the theater, Jess went to her room and me and Chris talked. He said that all week he had been trying to get a hold of Kj to plan this party; that the party was actually an “I’m so sorry I could cry,” apology party from Chris to me. He said that everything that went wrong last Friday way his fault. He said that he had been really upset all week before the drive-in and he shouldn’t have gone. He said that he still wants to date me but his parents have a rule about how he has to go on two dates before he can go out on a date with the same girl again. We are going to try to work it out I guess. We went back into the theater and Morgan said that we had to go, so Chris gave me a huge hug and said that talking to me made him feel better. Then I went home. I hope it all works out… What should I do? Should I got for it and try to make it work, or should I just cut my losses while I'm a head? Ciao

Weird title, yes, but normally all the drama happens at stake dances, not at drive-in's. I took Chris to the drive in, but he didn’t even talk to me; he talked to all my friends instead! Isn’t that horrible etiquette?!? He pulled one of my best friends aside and talked to him about me and how I moved our relationship too fast. I would like to take a moment to point out that he asked me to be his girlfriend; that he was the one to start the making-out! To continue, on our way home, we talked… Kinda? I was embarrassed, because I blamed myself for making him feel uncomfortable; because I should have stopped the making out, but I didn’t. He took that as me saying that I was embarrassed to be around him, not true. I told him that I was going to be cutting off all association with him after I dropped him off, because that’s just what I did after I embarrassed myself beyond the point of no return. Then I told him that Adree had said that the reason he was being so weird with because of the entire “making out makes me [Chris] uncomfortable” and he said that was true. Then when we got to his house we sat in his car and I told him about how I had proved Kimmy’s statement about me and how I was a slut. He went on this huge schpeel about how I was not a slut and how I need to stop listening to my friends when they told me that. Little does he know that I now know about how he is spreading *crap* about me to all of those same friends who call me a slut! I’ve decided to send him an email explaining how we are no longer friends, and why. It will go a little something like this: Dear Chris, Last night you said that you just wanted to be friends, to try to get off on the right foot, well, I’m not going to give you the chance. Nobody, let me repeat, nobody comes to a movie at my school and then tells my friends how I moved the relationship too fast. Not when you were the one start it all; the kissing, the dating, everything! Once upon a time, you said that you didn’t want to break my heart. Well guess what, you sir have now crushed what little was left. Take pride in knowing that you where the boy to crush me; to make me want to never date or trust any guys ever again. Congratulations. It is because of what I was able to beat out of some of my friends that I have decided to go back to my original plan. See you around the valley, I guess… ~Erin Too harsh? If you think so, too bad!! I’m sick and tired of being just another make out. I honestly thought that Chris would be different, but instead of coming to talk to me, he just talked to my friends about how I move too fast… A weird thing just happened. I’m listening to my sisters iPod and an instrumental song came on, it’s called “I will forgive;” it’s from a Church History sound track. Maybe I’ll wait to send that email. Why do I have to ruin a good relationship? Why do are teenage guys such dicks? Why do teenage guys only think with their dicks? I do not like them! Ciao P.S. - I will not be okay until after school gets out and we are well into the marching band season… So please don’t ask?

Have you ever just wanted to call up that one ex with whom you used to be really good friends until you broke up and then got in some really huge fights and now you don't talk because you can hardly stand the sound of the others voice and if you do talk then you ex's current "significant other" will attempt to beat you up even though you could so take her/him out with a one-two punch!! Well I do. His name is Landon and if you wish to read up on the big fights the two of us have had, just read some of my stuff or rubberduckiee's stuff, or even photobyfrancis; she's got a lot of stuff, considering that she is his current significant other. I saw him driving his jeep on 8th east, and I don't think that he could tell that I was watching him; I had my CIA sunglasses on, they are mirrored black glasses that kick butt! I scared a bank teller once. Anyway... Landon and I started going out on May 8th 2006 and considering that the one year anniversary of that event was four days ago, I've had my mind on him for the past week or so. Totally not in a "I wish I had him back as a boyfriend" kinda way, but in a "I wish I had my friend Landon to talk too." I mean sure, I've thought about what it might be like to kiss him again, because sadly enough I've missed him kissing me, but that would be not good in so many ways... Too many ways actually. I just want to know if he ever thinks about me in anyway; if he misses me as a friend... That kinda thing. I called Chris twice yesterday and both times he wasn't there and I got the vibe that his mom doesn't like me so I'm kinda getting scared that I'm going to get hurt again. I know that I'm just being overly sensitive but can you blame me! After Landon, it was Brady, after Brady it was Joe (if I ever see his face again I will kill him), after Joe it was Grover, after Grover, now it's Chris and I've gone through one heart break already with him... I'm so frustrated with guys!! But Chris called me this afternoon and he was a little short with me when he asked me what was up but he apologized and then I asked him if I could take him to the drive in next Friday. He said maybe, because his parents might be going to pick their new RV (ps- his family is filthy rich) for when they go to New York. They leave at the end of June and get back the first week of August. I worried that he's going to brake my heart... Ug. I have a theory that I should probably just not date anyone at all for a while (of of high school a while) and then take if from there. I hate having my heart broken, and i don't... I don’t know... I don't think that I'm going to be getting married, ever. I don't trust guys. If anyone has a guy who can prove to me why I should trust a guys not want to rape me or just want to make out with me, or who will brake my heart, then I will consider marriage, but right now it's off the table. And if anyone brings up Josh Nielson... I will say this, he reminds me of a little kid; the way he acts, the way he looks, I'm not attracted to him in any way, shape or form... EVER. And Kj is going to drive me through a wall... I don't know how to explain it but she is just so annoying and obnoxious and horrible that if I have to look at her again, I'll blow a gasket! And if Katie hugs me again, I will hit her and yell at her and say some mean things that I don't mean to say but I will say them because I've wanted to. And I want to tell one of my very dear friends (I mean she is like one of my best friends) that she is driving me nuts! She won't get off this one guy and in my own opinion, I think that she needs to take a break from guys. Oh well, she never listens to me or my opinion, so I'll keep it to myself. Ciao