So. I realized today more than any other time how much I still really love him. I've known him for four years. I can't seem to get him out of my life, no matter how much I try. And not that I try all that often. He asked for a second chance and then decided not to take it when it was offered. But I still want him. And I don't even really want him like...physically. I don't want sex. I want to spend time with him, talk to him. Just be with him. Mooshy-gooshy sounding, I know. One of his closest friends died last week, and he came over today after the viewing, and that's the closest to crying I have ever seen him. He'd cried at the funeral home, and I could still see the traces of tears in his eyes and on his face. In that moment I just wanted to be able to take away the hurt for him, make it so he didn't have to hurt like that. But all I could do was hug him and listen to him talk. Maybe that's all he needed, but I wish I could have done more. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But at the same time I want such different things than he does, and I don't know if it would ever totally work with us. Not that it was ever given a change... A month and a half doesn't say anything about how it could work between two people. I wish this wasn't as complicated as it is.