I had 'Three Blind Mice' in my head for days until I finally replaced it with Eric Clapton's 'Layla'... "you got me on my knees..." Now they're both equally annoying. It was hard to see people disappointed in me for being back with him, hard to see people who I thought would understand why, shun me. It wasn't what they said, my friends and I are close enough not to need to speak. It was the look in their eyes, the body language. But I know that they understand. Thats the contradiction. They understand that all consuming love, that mutual obsession. They just don't want it to be there and by despising it, its easier to ignore. But it hurts. I haven't even told most of them - I'm ashamed of myself. Ashamed for giving in to what I know will always be drained of any hope. Ashamed for being so weak willed. Ashamed to love someone so completly and utterly, someone who never made me feel worth anything. Ashamed to walk back freely into something I ended up despising, fearing, fighting. What is shame? What is it that people place on it that can make it so important and so self destructive? My shame has constituted anger at myself and at everyone for choosing not to understand. I'm ashamed for not loving enough.