The hardest thing is when you don't get to say goodbye. I am grieving for the memory of what once was. My logical side says that this is foolish. Death isn't about logic, cling to that though I may. I suppose I'm trying to hold on to the one thing that I understand. As yet, I'm trying to come to terms with it and I don't know how to. I keep thinking that I'll wake up and it'll all be a bad nightmare. But I've been waiting four days for that and its simply not happening. Perhaps I believe that by putting it in writing it will somehow gain clarity... I don't think so. Why am I even writing this. Its not going to change anything, its not going to make me feel better, its not going to bring her back. Its simply going to mean that anyone can see this. Is that what I want? No. I don't want sympathy and I know that I won't get it. So is this a last... oh, I give up. I hope that she is happier wherever she has gone.