Its really hard. Its getting harder. I guess its because I don't know what he's doing, I have no idea where he is, for all I know he could have slept with half the girls I know and his loyal friends would cover it all up and I wouldn't know. The thing I fear the most is that he might find he's happiest without me. Happiest being free. Happiest not having to explain himself to me. Happiest not having to promise me not to drink with other girls. Its what its all about... I thought he might want to spend his birthday with me. I offered to take him out to dinner or something. But no. As far as I know, some other girl is organising him a party. Its terrible, but I can't go if thats truly happening. I can't go and see him all over her, so happy that she's done all that for him... his arms around her, his eyes smiling at her. And he'd just be upset with me because I'd sit there, unhappy, unloved, forgotten while he was the centre of everything. As usual. And as always, I would be, Andrews girlfriend. Not Emma. I don't dserve that title, not from his friends. Its horrible realising that most of the friends you have are only even socialising with you because of who your boyfriend is. Maybe I should go to England next year and do my last year of school there. I can't tell him though. I can't say to him 'no, Andrew, I'm not coming. I can't do it.' I've tried so fucking Goddamn hard to make him happy! But its time for me to start thinking about myself. And thats something I just can't do. Those wings are made of wax.