well... here is how my date went. chad picked me up with flowers in hand. opened the door to his bmw for me (not that the car matters but how many people have those?) we talked and went to this really fancy restuarant called AV. conversation went well. i had mahi mahi with a pinot noir (red wine)somewhere between dinner and dessert we were talking and he kissed me out of nowhere. i dunno... it was a nice kiss... it would have been nice to of been asked. we talked for awbile and he took me back to the dorm around 230 and mentioned about getting together sunday but who knows. i still get the idea that he's a player and ... i dunno... conversation was great but i think he could probably find better. my ex is in vancouver right now... the legal drinking age is 19. he has been partying and states he has stories to tell... but i dont want to hear them. right now i am kinda down... i dont know if anyone has ever experienced this but i have to start off by saying that i never imagined i would go to college... i just had my "happily ever after" and then there comes a point where you find that doesnt really exist. but i want to get to know a nice guy and hope there is something more there. yea, chad gave me a lot of compliments but i just took them as being fed lines. i dont know if he was sincere or if i am just that untrusting which kinda sucks because.... what if i am missing out on something? i have learned not to hold on to my past. for some reason that just came to me today. i just wish i knew how to start fresh. i know i did it before with billy but i dont know if i can after anthony and... there's a twist in there because i dont think i respect myself enough now to be who i used to be. im not sure why it is that if im such a good person and i have all these good qualities, why im always taken for granted. i mean anthony even said he knew he would always regret breaking up with me because there never was a reason for him to. and how many times do i have to hear the phrase "i have to break up with you because i am falling in love with you". so im stuck... completely and utterly stuck. who wants to be like a guy chad - 32 and no one to say is completely theirs. i've always given the best i can give, gone out of my way to please... oh well... sorry this is a bummy entry. it wasnt that today was bad because i spent it with my girl friends and enjoyed the day... its just coming back to these thoughts in my head that gets me in trouble... so we'll see if chad ever calls back though i doubt he will. just got off the phone with jason.... how ironic the whole conversation was... but atleast he made me laugh.