i know... the pic is still there but i amwithout a laptop right now and i need a new pic to replace it with... am working a lot these days. working about 60 hours this coming week... the more i work the better. i am anxious for classes to start that way i have somethign to focus on other then trying to figure out what the hell happened to what i thought i was a good relationship. if it had anything to do with anth then that is stupid because even if i had spoken to him it was nothing beyond friends... and even in that sense it wasnt a friendship because he would talk about hte recent girls he fucked... why would conversation like that make me interested in him? if i missed him that much would i have dumped him for matt?? doesnt matter because right now in my book guys are all the same and even if he says i did nothing wrong ... its stupid because why would you give something good up? and if he was lying then that is even stupider because i have no way of fixing what i dont know and anyways he used to talk to kelly and she would call at the most inconvenient moments. yes... i got jealous... with good reason... and if they are the reasons that we broke up its fucked up. if it had to do with talking about being together then we are both at fault because he nver said lets not talk that way... in fact he was telling everyone just as much as i was telling everyone about him that i was supposedly the one. maybe all of it was just bad timing... damnit to hell though i cant get over him... he may as well have been my first because i certainly didnt feel this bad when anth broke up with me the day before my birthday. its been almost a month and ... i just dont get it. maybe someday someone will be able to explain that to me. what makes me so upset is that he didnt even want to try to fix things... i never cheated on him... i tried to treat him good... i can think of two fights we had which right now seem so ridiculous. grrr