New diary. FadingEast Go there.

If i could love to death i'd be a murderer [.one.thousand.times.over.] I cant keep my mind off him. I cant believe hes mine. I cant imagine life without him. i cant thank life enough right now. I'm happier than i can ever recall being. He said something to me half jokingly, but i think he was dead on. "i think the reason you got over guys so fast before was because they werent me." and hes right. Hes exactly right. I guess its the same concept as when youre hungry and you want one specific thing, but you cant get it, you can eat 34554 lbs of food and are still hungry because its not what you wanted. Enough with food comparisons.

"Zis way! Zat way?? Yes, Zis way." Bleh i love you weiner. im excited for tomorrow. I get to see my tylerface. =) icantwaittt. I get to pack somemore and cleeaan. i just vacuumed for like the 95485 time. okee Bye♥

So everythings alright... Bleh i feel lame for making a big deal out of it. but oh well. && Thank you Danyell for the comment, i tried commenting you back but it wouldnt let me. Anyways, i saw pink panther tonight and it was pretty good. I had a good time. So tonight definitely made up for yesterday. Ohhh and im moving!! Im excited, i get two rooms and my own bathroom. blehh tis exciting. but okay, thats all. Im gonna watch tv now. Goodnight♥

I'm fucking up. I got mad at him on the phone and i wasnt even mad at him. And he kind of stopped talking. ...i feel like shit. I cant be fucking up. i dont know what id do if i lost him. hes the only thing thats keeping me wanting to wake up. And go to school and put makeup on and do my hair. guhh this cant be healthy. I want to go to sleep for a couple weeks. Goodnight♥

I am so depressed right now. Not even kidding Im transfering schools yet again. My boyfriend wont hang out with me on valentines. My parents are "dissapointed" in me i have 3 chapters of hw due tomorrow parent/teacher conference tomorrow. yay. i feel sick to my stomach .... So basically i need a valentine... and some really strong sleeping pills. Goodnight♥ ::edit:: Shits looking up. I need to stop being so intense. Im so afriad of loosing him. bleh... more fun awaits me at school wish me luck.

So ive been really stressed out lately. A lot of things have gone wrong... or not gone at all. But things are getting back to normal. Slowly but surely. Anyways. Ive never been in a waiting room for this long. It was seriously ridiculous. I love you justine for coming with me. Seriously, im very appreciative. So my dad is coming to visit me tomorrow. He is going to be here a week. I havent seen him in like 2 months. so yea. Today has been a reallly long day. I am sososos tired. Tyler is supposed to call me back once he gets out of the shower. I miss him a lot. I havent seen him for like... a day. Yea, im lame. Fuck you. Im gonna watch american idol. amazing. take care.

I dont feel changed, but it's seriously a big change. Tomorrows the one month. Wooopdedoo. Seems like longer than that... and i kind of wish it was. Maybe id feel a bit better. Anyways, it's late and im am exhausted. Take care ♥

So im kind of living up to my last entry... I think it has finally set it. Theres nothing i can do about it so i should just get over it. And thats what i am doing. I'm hanging out with him today. I'm excited to see him. We had a talk last time we hung out and so i feel a lot better about everything. Guh, i get butterflies in my tummy and everything. Hes truly amazing. I couldnt have asked for more. 4 years.... id say i deserve it. And i'm not an arrogant person. Anyways, In other news, I have to write this essay to a guy i met online like a year ago. He wants to meet me in person, but i dont do that whole 'meeting offline' thing. So he said "fine, write me an essay on why you shouldnt meet me." and thats what im gonna do. He said he is going to grade it and if i get lower than a C i have to meet him. Well, fuck that. Ill write it, and even if i get a F im not meeting him in person. Bleh. School is hell. i cant wait till june. I might transfer out of el camino. I have no idea where id go, but they are giving wayyy too much work. Im in hw up to my eyeballs. It's all written work too. So i have to read like the entire effing text books and then write like another one. Not working out for me. But yea, im gonna clean a bit and then get ready to hang out with Tyler. Sooo ok. Take care ♥

... How could i have been so dumb. To think he actually cared so much to something i admitted to not care for. But to think about it, really think about it, i'm finding i do care. A lot. Maybe ive ditched my robot ways. To share something so intimate with two other people and not tell me. To keep me guessing and hoping. Not fair at all. I'm really bummed out on this. It makes me feel like im more into this than he is. Im just another name to add to his list. I really hope thats not what it is... But it feels like it right now. Anyways, theyre clearing Jimmies house out right now. It's really sad. I dont know what theyre going to do with all of it... Ive found out why i never liked relationships in the past. It's because when you become part of one, everything is shared... things you werent sure you wanted to know. Love comes along too, but there are some things that you never had to worry about if there was no commitment. I'm really scared about getting my heart broken. Ive never had to worry much about that in the past. I think im just starting to realize that im a lot more vulnerable than i thought i was. We'll see. Take care ♥

Everythings k now. I just am a bit bummed cuz today sucked major [male sexual organ]. Just like you didnt notice that i was bleeding from the heart and bleeding from my lip. You blew it off like it was just another accident, but deep down inside, you knew. Keep an open mind as this one-way ticket to your heart has made a few pit stops. To keep re fueling itself for the long journey ahead, but all along, you knew. Those bumbs and cracks in the road were as unintentional as the bumps and cracks in your walls. Repaving and repainting arent my hobbies but i can learn as fast as i can say i love you. because all along, i knew. I read a really interesting artical on 'love'. It was a scientific approach to what love is and what makes us feel like we're in love. It was really worth reading. I cant say ive ever been in love, but i know what makes us 'in love'. And i know that its all chemicals, no matter how much you say its in the soul and love is magic i still think we're one step up from monkeys. take care

Just when i thought things were going good... How naive of me to think something could actually work out. Maybe i should yank my expectations down a litter farther... You know, i was almost starting to have some sort of self esteem. What a load of crap. Take care.

I like Tyler. I like my new camera. I'm really happy. I'm getting over my cold. I want to scream and dance and jump around, but ill contain myself. Eee... I didnt think anyone could tame me. Seriously... i thought that id never just be with a guy and like him. I was so wrong, and for the first time, i'm so happy i was. Eck. Happy 7 month anniversary Weeny && Happy 6 month anniversary Shinky And happy almost three weeks to me! =) Goodnight

[cuddle]+[death cab] Waking up next to you. I could definitely get used to that. ♥ [The glove compartment isn't accurately named And everybody knows it. So i'm proposing a swift orderly change. Cause behind its door there's nothing to keep my fingers warm And all i find are souvenirs from better times Before the gleam of your taillights fading east To find yourself a better life.]

UGHHGHHHGGGHHGHGH I like him a loooot. I miss him a lottt. ohemgeeeeeee. How will i deal with this when he goes to nevada for 2 weeks.... or new york? i do not know at alll. I still dont believe this whole situation... I'm still waiting to wake up from the longest dream of my life. epps. Anyways, im supposed to see him today so that will help me contain my obsession for a day or so. guh. why cant i be 18 already so i could just move to some distant location and live happily ever after?

His smile is infectious. No doubt. I miss him already and it hasnt even been 24 hours. Sheesh. Ive got it bad. But hes got it worse. And that makes me feel secure for practically the first time in my life. Hes totally beautiful inside and out. And hes allll mine. Ugh♥ So the night was amazing. Driving at like 90 mph in a mercedes with a driver more concerned with why they couldnt find a song on their ipod than the constant switching lanes around "slow drivers". And i didnt care. I had him and his smile and his hand... and i couldnt have been happier. The show was also amazing. Never have i seen a musician more at ease with the flow of notes. It was almost like he was sleeping. Which doesnt sound too unordinary unless you consider that he was playing riffs that most guitar players only dream about. About half way through the set a crowd of unnaturally tall people decided i really didnt need to see anything. So i got to stare at the backs of heads for the remainder of the show. But i didnt care. I just closed my eyes and listened. And i could feel his hand on my side playing the notes. And he would hold me tighter and kiss my cheek. Everything is going pretty well right now. I'm going to a movie tomorrow with him, so hopefully that will be fun. Goodnighttt

Ummmmm Show tonight. I'm going with the best person ever. Won't be back t'ill 2 in the morning. I ♥ my mommy for trusting me. The End.

Sunsets and city lights keep you on my mind Though, nothing could take you from my thoughts. Keeping good hope in one last swing at this game we call togetherness. Not forgetting all my efforts in the past; being with you almost seems too easy now. Nothing left to fight for... Am i forgetting what this is really about all over again? Hopefull for happiness, yet ive found out that wanting for a long time and getting what you want are at two different ends of the spectrum. Not to mention two very different feelings. I cant deny myself what ive felt for so long, but i am not sure if i can be so strong with what im feeling now. However, not knowing what youre feeling is a scary thing that im not quite experienced at. I am so afraid that what I'm feeling is my worst expectation of myself. Ive got to keep myself sure... And i dont even know if thats possible.

"I didn't ask They shouldn't have told me At first I'd laugh, but now It's sinking in fast Whatever they've sold me Well baby I don't want to take advice from fools I'll just figure everything is cool Until I hear it from you It gets hard The memory's faded Who gets what they say It's likely they're just jealous and jaded Well maybe I don't want to take advice from fools I'll just figure everything is cool Until I hear it from you Until I hear it from you I can't let it get me off Or break up my train of thought As far as I know, nothing's wrong Until I hear it from you Still thinking about not living without it Outside looking in Til we're talking about it, not stepping around it Maybe I don't want to take advice from fools I'll just figure everything is cool Until I hear it from you..." And i heard it from him. And im going crazy cuz of it=)

When i try to explain my ecstatic mood the words excape my mouth. Im left trying to sound out words with nothing but air coming out. Now for anyone in an extreme state of emotion, be it happy or sad, you know how frustrating it is to not relieve your emotions. All i could spit out to my mom when i came home was "him". And thats all i needed to say. My face said the rest. My movie-reality night is one ill never forget. The only time i can say 4 years was worth it. I made another 4 streetlights go out as i was walking home. A gangster getting into his car gave me a really weird look, but i smiled at him. Ive never walked home feeling so confident and accomplished before. I noticed things that i hadnt before because every other time i was just trying to get off the ghetto and into my house. But tonight i appreciated the air and the stars and the people. Im a very happy girl tonight. Ill sleep well. ::Edit:: OMG ahhhh i feel like cleaning. hahaha