so i wasted all my phone time for a couple of reasons... so no one can get a hold of me and so i can change my number im so sick of shit seriously fuck our world i get so fucking anxious just leaving my house actually im anxious all the time my doctor is stupid i go seee him tomorrow hopefully to HELP ME

im agitated because i dont know the fucking PUK code and im getting pissed..... so i have to go in the Att store to fix it cause the artards dont know there shit over the phone.... FUUUUUUck anyways we broke up... but is it really over??? we still talk and he wants to hang outt....... aaaaaah what do i do? muh ok everyone have a good day

he doesnt get it i dont know what to say this is getting really old really fast i have so many thoughts going through my head right now all i can say is i dont know why i even deal with most of anything im sick of being patient and letting things go

what the fuck i dont even know what to say he talks to me and then he stops blah blah hes way to late he broke my heart into a thousand pieces and now he wants to put it back together FUCK THAT

Two Roads Split Off From Here And My Life Goes Running In Opposite Directions Exaggerating The Barrier About Who I Am And WHo I WAnt TO Be I Wanted TO be The breathe of fresh Air When Everything Spells so Insincere but this taste that lingers in my mouth deciet has ways of sticking around And Im Wanting TO disappear vacation seems far from here.... NOTE TO SELF I MISS YOU TERRIBLY THIS IS WHAT WE CALL A TRAGEDY COME BACK TO ME BACK TO ME TO ME I can feel my mind wandering a again into where i dont know and will i ever get home Time starts moving faster than i can and im sick of this scene i need to break the routine two roads split off from here and my life goes running in opposite directions exaggerating the barrier between who i am and who i want to be,,, which part of me is lost i feel so close and yet i am so far,,,

so i was supposed to leave for ventura last night but noooooooooooooooo she has to make it for saturday which is tomorrow and now she is making it for sunday how much longer can i deal with this shit i want to leave this place and never come back i hate it here not that i will be very much happier at my dads house but at least i will have friends to be around and i already made plans but now i think i have to cancel them.........FUCK

so tommorrow i am actually going to ventura lets pray that my dad will let me move in with him....and lets pray that i can get through all this without...well...nevermind i get to see my love tomorrow :] i cant wait

so tomorrow is the day that i go to ventura but instead of a week its all tomorrow and thats it... my mom was freaking out about the usual so im so bummed on life right now and to make it even worse my boyfriend is being a dick i told him that his best friend was being all weird and saying stuff on myspace to me basically flirting and he said it was my fualt all i said to him was hi and what are you doing and its my fault?? what the fuck and then to make it EVEN MORE WORSE i told him what im doing tomorrow and he was all dont even bother to hang out with me i will see you on christmas i started to cry but i didnt let him know.. ugh

yeah its true i moved to san diego a week and 2 days ago it sucks i miss my boyfriend before i moved i was living with thomas and now that i left it hurts to leave there basically i dont know how else to put it well in 3 days i get to go back to ventura for a week or so and im excited hopefully i will have fun at least i get to see thomas i love him and miss him so much

so im at thomases housey for the next four tdays becasue my family went out of town...to june lake which is mammoth. i hate going cause i feel out of place and i have nothing to do so yeah im here it doesnt really bother me that we cant go anywhere cause hes on house arrest until september 21st. oh well.. DOES ANYONE READ THIS ANYWAYS?????? i doubt it i barely go on. oh well i should put it to private anyways... god why wont thomas wake his ass up i hate being alone...i wake up so early lately...i dont get it.anyways last week my mom was being absolutly horrible to me. telling me when i was raped i should have screamed deeper and when i cut i should cut deeper so i can actually do something right and blah blah blah she went on texting me for almost an hour...but now all randomly shes being all nice again...and she hasnt even appologized...wtf???? i really dont get her. so yesterday i got a job interview and i got the job except i have to wait until im 18 which means i will be working christmas time adn i hope to god they dont lay me off i will just have to work harder to keep this job. yay .oh so my mom has been doing that texting thing to my aunt becasue she goes through my phone and gets everyones number when im alseep fucking bitch and she reaads my journal...anywayas my aut is going to get a restraining order on her now. pk thats alll byeee

so im at thomases housey for the next four tdays becasue my family went out of town...to june lake which is mammoth. i hate going cause i feel out of place and i have nothing to do so yeah im here it doesnt really bother me that we cant go anywhere cause hes on house arrest until september 21st. oh well.. DOES ANYONE READ THIS ANYWAYS?????? i doubt it i barely go on. oh well i should put it to private anyways... god why wont thomas wake his ass up i hate being alone...i wake up so early lately...i dont get it.anyways last week my mom was being absolutly horrible to me. telling me when i was raped i should have screamed deeper and when i cut i should cut deeper so i can actually do something right and blah blah blah she went on texting me for almost an hour...but now all randomly shes being all nice again...and she hasnt even appologized...wtf???? i really dont get her. so yesterday i got a job interview and i got the job except i have to wait until im 18 which means i will be working christmas time adn i hope to god they dont lay me off i will just have to work harder to keep this job. yay .oh so my mom has been doing that texting thing to my aunt becasue she goes through my phone and gets everyones number when im alseep fucking bitch and she reaads my journal...anywayas my aut is going to get a restraining order on her now. pk thats alll byeee

so now m=im with my mom house wathcing while my aunt terry is gone then as soon as she comes back shes leaving again...im going back to my dads house...that way this weekend i get to see thomas...he said he still loves and likes me..thats a start. o, glad it makes me happier to know that. i wish i would have seen him today its been 4 months. thats way to long and it would be 5 months if i dont see him this weekend...hopefully i will.i miss him so much ive been writing alot of poems about him and drawing . im getting good at both.

well...im out AGaIN from vista a and now im going to rehab..im not sure its a good idea but oh well...i dont care anymore because the one person i love and thought would be there for me isnt. hes being mean and an asshole...so fuck everything he makes me want to cut again...fuck this

I am not that little girl anymore. I've done more than you will ever know. I've seen more than you will ever know to. And it hurts me to say that since we dont get along and you have decided to make our relationship the way it is...I can't stay with you any more and im moving out again. I cant handle the pain you cause i am depressed because of you and there is nothing you will do to fix any of this. Im not saying i didnt do shit to you but i apalogized and i try to fix this. You just push me and my brother away when we shoulkd come first but you choose someone who doesnt even have the same blood as you. Family first. BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER. you of all people should know that. The Funny Thing Is. I Cant Even Say This To Your Face. Or In A Letter. I Dont Matter to You. IM NOTHING AND I DONT FCKING EXIST. My bones are tired, Daddy I don't get enough sleep I don't eat as good as I could, Daddy What's that say about me? Sometimes I sleep past noon, Daddy Drink lots of black coffee and I smoke like a chimney. Yes, I left the refrigerator door half open, Daddy. What's that say about me? Sometimes I want to rip out your throat, Daddy For all those things you said that were mean. Gonna make you just as vulnerable as I was, Daddy What's that say about me? Sometimes I want to bash in your teeth, Daddy. Gonna use your tongue as a stamp Gonna rip your heart out the way you did mine, Daddy Go ahead and psycho-analyze that. 'Cause I'm your creation, I'm your love, Daddy. Grew up to be and do all those sick things you said I'd do Well last night I saw you sneak out your window With your white hood, Daddy What's' that say about you? I'm sloppy, what's that say about you? I'm messy, what's that say about you? My bones are tired, Daddy

ew im at shc0ol for the first time in forever and i need to smoke a cig...i hate this place and i hate school aaaaah this life and people are driving me fuckingIIIIINSAAAAAAAAAANe and i hope to god alexa picks me up from school without brooke and carolyn omfg! i start me work tomorrow woooot my old job sucked ass and my boss sucked at least not i will be working with bastan!!! yay im stoked ok bye

I Fucked Up...On New Years Eve I Should Have Been With Him...I Knew I Should Have Just Fucking Left And Now This Is Eating Me Up Inside Because I Think Thats Why He Is Being Soooooo Weird...I Dont Know What To Do Or THink...I Cant Lose Him Again...I Just Cant...

God. People I Have A Life Too. And Im Only Human. We Go Through The Same Shit But Different Days And It Seems Like We Dont But We Really Do...Why Cant You Just Accept The Fucking Fact That All I Want To Be Is Your Friend...And It Wouldnt Work Out Anyways If Anything Did Happen...[That Goes Out To A Bunch Of People] And You...The One Who I Am In LOVE With...Why Are You So Hard Headed...Capricorn...Meh...I Love You And It Scares Me Thats Why I Run Away...And Hide...Not To Mention I Have A Disease Which Is Not Doing Well Right Now...A Bunch Of Family Shit To Deal With And A Million Other Things To Deal With...So World...Will You Please Give Me A Fucking Break??? PLEASE????

muh....in like a couple of days i will be back in ventura...puh muh buh!!! im so fucking excited except the days are going by way to slow...anyways...i hope i can just go in peace...we got in a fist fight...how sad moms and daughters shouldnt fight...well...what am i supposed to do when she is trying to kick me out in the middle of no where when i dont have ANYWHERE to go and im 700 miles away from home...and she was trying to take my shit away fuck no...i fought back..

It's alright to tell me what you think about me I won't try to argue or hold it against you I know that you're leaving you must have your reasons The season is calling your pictures are falling down The steps that I retrace the sad look on your face The timing and structure did you hear he fucked her? A day late a buck short I'm writing the report On losing and failing when I move I'm flailing now And it's happened once again I'll turn to a friend Someone that understands Sees through the master plan But everybody's gone And I've been here for too long To face this on my own Well I guess this is growing up Well I guess this is growing up And maybe I'll see you at a movie sneak preview You'll show up and walk by on the arm of that guy And I'll smile and you'll wave we'll pretend it's okay The charade it won't last when he's gone I won't come back And it'll happen once again You'll turn to a friend Someone that understands And sees through the master plan But everybody's gone And you've been there for too long To face this on your own Well I guess this is growing up Well, I guess this is growing up Well, I guess this is growing up

im at the library again...my boys finally came and now they are gone...its as if they werent even here...they were gone in a flash and my happiness was ripped away from so fast i didnt even see it coming...anways i was supposed to be on that flight back with them...but my dad lied to me...and he hasnt stopped lying to me about coming back...first it was the flight with my boys...then it was a flight for next weekend...then i was supposed to drive back with my cousins...none of it has happened...fuck him...anyways...i dont know what to do..i want to be with my family and friends but i want to be with my mom...if i leave i dont know when the next time i will get to see her...and i cant handle this anymore..i dont know what to do or think... anyways...i went to the mall today and it was my second time yay...i always see the most adorable little skater emo boys..but there all like 10 or something...anyways that wouldnt even matter because im in love with my sir thomas and no one else but him... sooo...i got some adorable ballet flats that are red today...yay and im going back soon to get a pair of high heels that i fell in love with and a purse...basically im job searching right now because it pretty much looks like im not going back to california anytime soon... FUCK MY LIFE