It was one of those regular summer storms. It would get so dark that it looked all blue-black outside, and lovely; and the rain would thrash along by so thick that the trees off a litle ways looked dim and spiderwebby; and here would come a blast of wind that would bend the trees down and turn up the pale underside of the leaves; and then a perfect ripper of a gust would follow along and set the branches to tossing their arms as if they was just wild; and next, when it was just about the bluest and blackest-ffst! it was as bright as glory, and you'd have a little glimpse of tree tops a-plumging about away off younder in the storm, hundreds of yards further than you could see before; dark as sin again in a second, and now you'd hear the thunder let go with an awful crash, and then go rumbling, grumbling, tumbling, down the sky towards the underside of the world, like rolling empty barrels downstairs-where it's long stairs and they bounce a good deal, you know.-pg79

So. It's been two years since I've posted....I'm back sit.diary. Oh, do I have so many things to tell you, diary. So many deep dark secrets. I think I've ruined my life. I honestly didn't expect to live this long. I'll be twenty two in a couple weeks. Good god. No one expected me to make it past eighteen. Well, like my momma always said, I'd cut my nose off to spite my face. Expect more updates soon, diary. I can't wait for you to fuck me up.

i think thought is overrated and we should just go with the motions 'cause you can't swim upstream without drowning.(unless you're really strong, which i'm not)informertials are in my head and i can't find the remote so i'll stare at the ceiling all night while roaches climb the walls. i'm pretending they're not there but then again i never was that good at acting so i'll sigh and pull the covers over me and hope i sufficate. not wanting to die is so hard for me pills and more medication forcing sterilized happiness in my veins. i could feel sick about it though everything makes me feel that way now a days so i'll...do what i do everday in a routine just because i want to live another day to be in his arms at night. i'm such a sick sweet love child.

So you always believe everything I say? Really. Everything I say is set in stone when I'm talking shit but the moment I'm serious its all 'stop fucking lying!'! Well GET FUCKED. I talk shit, okay, but I know when to be serious and its not my fault you can't tell the difference between the two, slim brain. I'M NOT RAMBLING YOU FUCK. Geeze. I say off things, I lie and joke and snark a lot but, jesus christ, everyone else knows the difference so what's with you? ::mind implodes:: Can't.Stand.It. It was a random thing said randomly and I don't even remember saying it so do youthinkIwasforreal? Fucker, I wasn't being serious. Duh. Another thing, I hardly ever lie to you all. Pretty much the only people I don't. So why are you two the one's that think I always try to pull one over on? Fuck that then. I'll just treat you the same as everyone else. See if you get anymore respect. I feel ill.

       Marriage is love.

All my friends are still sleeping. I should be, but nooo. I'm a hardened insomniac and never sleeps when she should. Atleast I still have coffee. Dude, I really should try to sleep. No, fuck it, I'm all right. I'm just bored. I should call my nan 'cause I know she'll be awake. Heeey! I could score breakfast from Hardees. I'm never awake for that. I had a point to this post, I really did. I wanted to ask if anyone knew any 'cures' for insomnia? Any bedtime rituals I should do or something? I really need to sleep at regular times instead of ten minutes whenever because I don't want to start taking medicine for it. Jillian

I totally feel like I'm not where I want to be in life. I hurt so bad, mentally and physically. My spirit is just crushed. Nothing goes right anymore. Getting high seems like more work than just staying sober but no one else in my life apparently feels the same. I wonder where he's at 'cause he said he didn't know where he was staying if I wasn't with him...but I can't be with him tonight. Not like this. Screaming fighting about inconsequential bullshit & I guess he's getting fucked up still. I'm so scared of my life sometimes.

My friggin mouth hurts!

Hello hello sit diary, it's been a while. Happy new year, I hope you're doing well. I wish I could say my life was bustling with new opportunities and happiness and that's why I've not written to you in so long, but that would be a lie. I flunked out of college because I was addicted to cocaine and partying. My body hurts constantly, so I go twice a week to the chiropractor. Yes, it's that bad. I substitute teach at the schools now, because I need the money. I was dropped from my mom's insurance and my doctor bills went through the roof. I have a lot of medical problems diary. I look back at this diary and the years I wrote in it. How I've grown and changed, and then it seems changed back again. I'm not happy with my life. Sometimes I am, but not usually. I'm about to take a pain pill. Because that seems to be the only constant in my life anymore.

SNAPE dies in CHAPTER 32 for HARRY at VOLDEMORT'S hand. Over a dozen of our characters die in the 7th book..... Now you don't have to buy the book.

Happy 4th!! I watched the fireworks on the side of highway 82 in the back of my truck with my boyfriend and Joey. I wouldn't have traded that for anything in this world.

I FEEL LIKE SHIT. THIS WHOLE WEEK IS FULL OF FAIL!

By myself until Friday. I get to play house maker all week, aw. Weekend. Slightly cool.

It finally rained yesterday. There was a mass panic and a covering of band equipment, a mad rush to cover ensued.. Maybe it is enough. Oh, and. OF ALL THE DAYS TO PICK A FIGHT WITH ME IT HAS TO BE ON MY BIRTHDAY? YOU SHIT SWALLOWING WHOREBAG. IF I DIDN'T LOVE YOU SO DAMN MUCH I'D HAVE LEFT WAY BEFORE NOW. We don't do well together drunk, especially with tequila. Coke was involved, of course, so he did his whiny 'i'm a bitch' thing and got some too. I think. Whatever. It's so hot in this house I can't breath.

Well, that fire is getting dangerously close to us. It's so smoky here. We really really need rain. Nowhere in sight. On another note; my birthday is in four days. Glee.

Weekend. Party? Oh yeah you know. I seized again this week. It's starting to scare me. Momma wont listen to me though, so I'll just have to get better on my own. I'm just afraid I'll be driving next time it happens. That makes me wary of driving all the time. Fight? It'll most likely happen. I just don't want him going back to jail. That's hard to deal with. Brit just called. Haven't heard from her in a while. Today's her birthday. Trying to get me to go to the club. Tempted. Hmm

NO MORE ALCOHOL NO MORE COCAINE. Please, guys, stop giving me this shit. I can't keep getting this fucked up. I can't believe I seized. For no reason. It should have waited until I actually got more than a bump, but whatever. No more 2am puking in friend's trailers. No more 'let's take a shot!!' every ten minutes. Just no. But I like it so. Made a promise of sorts. There were a lot of promises going around last night. And anger. Drama. God, drama. Hmm.

BRAINS

First day of Spring Break 07. Started off with a Dentist appointment at 10 and I've done nothing since but lay out and listen to music. I'm getting a pretty good tan but I wont be satisfied until I'm dark as a Mexican hah. He just called me, apparently didn't feel like working today. Don't blame him. I'm going to get a shower and make another drink.

SO fucking pissed off right now. I took a bean an hour and a half ago and I'm not feeling it. It took me three hours to get it and when I went back my boyfriend was gone. I have no idea where he's at and I know it's my fault for being gone so long but goddamn I got one for him too. I gave that to Bri. Damn, she owes me so much money. I paid off her and Jessica's drug dealer so I could get something and I ended up giving her his bean when I shouldn't have. I was just upset. And now I wish I had it. DAMMIT. I'm upset and broke now and not even high. ARGH!!! You just don't know how I feel right now. Peachy peachypeachypeachypeachy I wish I had gone to that guys house and did his coke. Then maybe I wouldn't be like this right now. I WOULDN'T BE AT THE HOUSE RIGHT NOW EITHER. I miss my babe. : edit He called me...went to the river, had fun I guess. I wish I could have went with him. I wish I could go over there now, but apparently not happening. I fucking hate myself. man.