Yeah, ramblings below. I needed to get this out, so you all are my victims I need to write something..ahh. It hurts not to be able to write. It hurts it hurts it hurtsitreallyfuckinghurtsmanandican'tstandthis. I haven't written anything worth shit since my birthday. That was in May. Somedays I just want to cry and scream and sometimes I don't feel anything at all and that hurts the worst, you know? I'm laughing at myself right now and it hurts..Its that kind of laugh where its the only thing that keeps you from crying and the fake kind that grates the chest and throat. But I still laugh. You know what? I'm better than I've been in a long time. Yeah, this is me getting better. Things are changing whether I like it or not and I think its for the better. But its gotten better before and then some people ended up dead and its like nobody gives a damn about anything around me. Execpt regenge and hurting others any way possible. Maybe they do, maybe they feel too much. Writing was my way out but it doesn't come anymore and this is the most I've written about something in a very long time. I don't want to do drugs or have sex anymore. I want to wake up and actually want to see people and I want my friends to feel better too. God knows their lives arn't ideal or okay or whatever the fuck they say to make me shut up. They hurt too and that hurts to see them like that when its all they ever feel. But we're better than we've been in a long time. And we're stronger for it even if we are a bit bitter. But I don't want to be bitter and nasty. Jillian