1. When a customer walks in the door and I say "Hello!" or "Hi there! How are you?" and I get no response. Not only is there no response, but you look at me and make it very obvious you heard me. Sure, I may sound a bit over-cheerful, but I am genuinely greeting you and most of the time I really do hope you're doing well. I'd just like that to be confirmed. 2. When a customer openly, and rather loudly, proclaims his or her dislike for the merchandise selection. Okay, so you may not look good in a bright orange, knee-length tunic. That royal blue, cap-sleeve dress may be horribly unflattering on your body type. Go ahead and tell your friends, but please, please don't go and yell so everyone else in the store can hear how hideous you think fashion is these days. Not only is it rude to employees working in the store, but how do you think it makes other customers who really like that dress and bought that tunic for their sister feel? 3. Fitting rooms. No, there is no law stating that you must hang up every shirt and button every button on each and every piece of clothing you try on, much less put the clothing back where you got it. I will always graciously put away tried-on clothing, especially if you ask me to. That is what I get paid for. However, I don't see any reason for clothing to be left inside-out and crumpled into a small, wrinkled mess underneath the bench. Especially several-hundred-dollar dresses. 4. My name is not "Hey You." If it were, my name tag would say "Hey You Mezzenga" No, when you walk into the store, you don't have to be nice. You don't have to be sweet. You don't have to accept any help I offer you. When you do need my help, though, please take the time to read my name tag. If my back is turned, please say "Excuse me." There is no reason that you should ever feel the need to be disrespectful toward me unless I have shown you the same disrespect. Which I don't. Ho. 5. Very few, if any, employees are personal shoppers. Yes, we'd love to help you with whatever we can in any way. We'd also love to help everyone else with whatever we can in any way. We can't, however, help everyone else in any way we can if you latch onto us for two or three hours. You're an adult (usually). You have two working eyes (usually). What's the fun in shopping if we shop for you? 6. I'm only wrapping your purchase in bubble wrap and tissue paper because I don't want you to smash your big, gaudy tree-stump statue thing on your way out, lady. Chill. Trust me, I know what I'm doing. It'll only take a couple more minutes. Don't freaking roll your eyes. Don't tap your fingers. Don't look at your watch in some faux I'm-really-in-a-hurry manner. We both know you aren't. 7. You won't be put onto a mailing list just because I know your first name. Trust me. If I could write a letter and simply write the name "Sandy" on the envelope to get it to you then I think you may have other issues to attend to. Honestly, I just would rather say "Thank you, Sandy" than "Thanks ma'am." Chill. Again. 8. "I guess it's free then!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! No, that's not funny. It never will be. 9. $100 bills should never be used for purchases of less than $10. Seriously. Been in a bank much? 10. "No, it's not that price. The sign says 'cropped pants.' You have a sweater. You can't wear that as a pair of cropped pants." True, sometimes I or the register will make a mistake. Most of the time, we don't. We know our prices. We, or at least I, am here for 9 hours a day, 40 hours a week. If I make an exception for you, I'd have to for everyone. You are not more important than any other customer I wait on today. You are not a "better" customer because you spend more of your husband's money here. You are not entitled to any special discount unless it is stated in your credit card rewards program. Ho.