This past week has been a shithole and a half. Ben has been nothing but a jerk, and yet again its my fault. the redsox sucked (big suprise) and brought him really down. now, if i were his # 1 than that would not have been a problem becuase he still would have been happy. but now im not even sure if im in the upper 5. Dan and Andy tell me that he loves me, but he wont. whats the deal? He dosent even want to see me this weekend. big suprise. i hope things arnt ending. our 6th month is next saturday? (the 15th). its really hard to find the right medium of "i love you" and "you suck". hes not the best boyfriend that ive had. but hes the most important part of my life and really. it sucks. i'm so afraid of losing him. hes been such an important part of my life since i met him last year. i know that that when im with him or talking to him, or even talking about him, that im happy. why do things have to fall apart once i get used to feeling again?