Great - I'm ungrounded! very early too! WOOT WOOT last week things with Richie started picking up quite a bit and now I'm as confused about him as I am about Brad. (brad) TUESDAY-> No school Brad IMd me in the morning and my heart skipped quite a few beats...he wanted to apoligise; then he told me that he is "in love" with me. I told him that he could come over before Mom came home if he wanted to talk, and he did, and things were going well so I called mom and asked her if I could go to the mall with him, and then have him drive me to my babysitting job at 6. We went to his house, and up to his room where I took his cell phone because I needed to turn his ring on because thats what my mom was going to use if she needed me. After about .2 seconds, he started to flip and literally wrestle me for the phone, so knowing something was up I took it and ran to the bathroom. Where I read his INBOX and after almost throwing up in disgust, read his OUTBOX and went into hysterics. 2 days earlier he was bored and decided to hook up with this chick from school who IS a whore. Quite literally, she's so easy all you have to do is wink at her and she will jump into your pants, I've seen it happen - and everyone knows that as a fact. In short - she gave him head, and apparantly wanted to screw but dear Bradley went soft. I dont want to get into the other specifics because I'll start crying again. EW! I returned to his room and stared him straight in the eye and demanded to be brought back home. He asked what was wrong (duh! what else could it be) and when I had told him he started - "Shit, I forgot to erase those." - If he had erased them and then I later found out I'd have killed him right then and there. I started sobbing and refused to look at him while he attempted to explain himself. Oddly enough - MONTHS earlier he had promised me that he was done with her, weeks after that TOLD me that he wasn't in the least bit interested in her. He's full of bull shit. Especially because about 2 weeks before that he looked me straight in the eye and said "Rebecca, I love you. I swear that I will never do anything to hurt you again." GAAH! Did he think what he had done with Felicia would tickle!?!?! He's tainted. Sure, I've done my share of shit in the past but I've stopped. And he tried to pull that tab and I just wasn't going to have it. I made it distinctly clear that I was not going to have sex with him BEFORE I had even found out about his shananagans with the dirty one. Lo and behold we're in the basement making out and shit when he tries to go in my pants, and I KNOW that if he got in there I'd slid and want to screw, so I started to give him head instead in hopes that he'd leave me alone. Then we're doin' some more making out and shit and he again wants to go down my pants so again I say no, and he says that I should finger myself instead. Long story short - I did (again in hopes that he'd leave me alone) and somehow his hand got down there and his fingers joined mine... and then... *sigh* we had sex. After that it was gettign close to 6 and so we just laid there and I again started crying becuase we were talking about shit, and I also hadn't wanted to have sex at all that day... and a bunch of shit hit me and it was horrible. By no means did Brad FORCE me to do anything, its just that I can't resist when I'm with him. I have little to no self control when he touches me, it just feels so good... (Richie) WEDNESAY / THURSDAY / FRIDAY--> Started the day with double art and double Richie - YEY - I was still confused about the whole Brad thing, and right off the bat Richie knew that something was wrong, and gave me a hug. So did Squirly. Then Mike and Kelly. But thats not the point. During the next 2+ hours we had we bonded alot and shit like that. On Thursday he stayed so we could hang out. I went to computers with him so he could finish up some missing assignments, then we came back up to my locker where we chilled with the Attwood sisters and Savvy. When they left it was Ashley, Max, and that kid. And then just him and me. It was pretty nice, he's a sweet kid. Friday night when I got my ethernet back I had company over but ignored my friend to talk to Richie when he IMd me. He said alot of things that were , interesting to say the least , and now I know alot of things that are on his mind too and it was really nice. I really liked it. I guess all that shit up there means schitt to anything. I’m in love with Brad, always have been and probably will be. And I really do like Richie, I honestly du. But I don’t want to lead either of them on, and I’m afraid of losing Brad forever. I always want to be a part of his life, as a friend or acquantince, because noting will ever change the times we had and I want to keep an eye on him and make sure that he’s alright and be there if he needs me. I’m afraid that If I get back together with him it’ll be like a hit and run – we get back together and he breaks my heart by leaving for college, never to speak to me again and only to start screwing some anorexic, heroin-shooting bitch that he met 13 minuets earlier. I honestly will never be able to go through that type of heartbreak again, I wont make it. I will deffinitly die either of natural causes or myself. I feel safer with choosing the Richie road, whether or not i do... remains to be seen The one I still love? or continue struggling to get over him for someone new? Its hard and makes me sick to think about it =/