i hate being in situations like this. i feel like i always make a mess of things. how are you supposed to know who the right person is? is there some sort of guide? there should be. one knows me better than i know myself. but we've dated before and it didn't work out. we were younger then though.. maybe we could make it work this time. but he's never gonna be around. he joined the military. and he has a kid to support. a kid that isn't mine. and that's difficult for me. though i'm glad that at 19 i don't have any kids. and the other guy.. my family introduced us. he's a good southern boy. we haven't met in person yet. but we talked for three hours online today and i was smiling the whole time. that's a rare thing for me.. smiling. i've always pictured myself with a southern guy. a true southern guy. and my familiy loves him. and he's older. he has his shit together. he knows what he wants. but i already told the first one that i'd be here when he gets home from basic. well i didn't promise.. and he told me that he doesn't want to make me miss out on anything. he told me if i meet a guy not to pass him up. but he'll kick the guys ass when he gets back lol. but i know he really wouldn't. i know he would still be my friend. but he would disappear for a while.. again. and i hate it when he does that. thinking i don't want to talk to him. they don't know about each other. and i don't feel like they need to any time soon. but i don't want to lead either of them on. i'm afraid that's exactly what is going to happen. i don't want to jump to the conclusion that this new guy will want to date. but he says that he likes me. so far i guess. as much as you can like someone throught texts and ims. a phone call might would help. oh and he's taller. so if i was shallow that would be the deciding factor. but i'm not. maybe i should be. maybe i should listen to my family for once. do what they want me to do. since i've never really done that before. a tattooed and pierced art major. but i'm a southern girl at heart. and what i need and want is a southern boy. i'm not saying that it's time for me to find the guy i'm gonna be with forever. but i don't waste my time dating people that i don't see a future with. and honestly i can see me and the first guy dating for a while. but i can't picture a wedding. or even living together. and i obviously don't know the new guy well enough to try thinking about that. but i feel like the longer i wait, the harder this decision will end up being. i can definitely see myself liking the new guy. a lot. i already kind of do. but maybe it's simply because he's a <i>new</i> guy. maybe i'm just so lonely that i want the attention. the company. but i know i won't have his company. he's in a different state. at least until may when he graduates. then he's not sure where's he's going to have to go for a job.. who knows where he'll up? but i know exactly where the first guy will end up. afghanistan. could i really handle that? should i let that effect our relationship? is that selfish to say?

hopefully this doesn't end up as bad as i think it will.