I don't want this journal to be deleted. it is an excellent link to the past. what have i done? how long ago was the last time i wrote in this? Now I am 19, going on 20 in less than two months. So much happens when your age is two digits, starting with a one. the last time I wasn't, I was 9. Now I will be twenty. I've met so many people. I smoke weed every day. Sometimes three times a day. I've lived in Rhode Island, Boston, and Norton. Boston, and cities in general are my favorite right now. I've been a cashier, a hostess, a telemarketer, an intern, another intern, a picture framer, the girl who puts up posters, a lab monitor, a camp counselor. I've had sex with somewhere between eight and ten, with maybe regret, but maybe i don't care enough to regret, maybe I am happy to have something to regret, that I am blinded by my senses, their exploding nature, that I can do so much and be happy in such a whirlwind. I've felt my eyes, nose, and mouth bleeding, clotting, choking on my own blood, seen the police report that says "broken bones." I still have never broken a bone, but I do have a scar in the back of my right eye. I am left handed, left sided anyways. I've searched for love. love love love. Males have cried to me about how they love me. I've felt an array of things, that whatever I say otherwise, are not love. I'm closest, now. This one named Sam. We do not love each other. But we understand. We make it up as we go along. He is transitory, just like everything. I've done more drugs than I could have fathomed when I made this. marijuana, alcohol. I smoke a pack every 5 days. I've snorted suboxone, vicadin, adderol, tylenol. I've tripped three times in a month, shrooms, acid. I've broken down and started up. I've started up and gotten nowhere, I've gotten everywhere though, before knowing I started. I've cried for hours and hours in bed, I've danced in the streets and walked to far away dunkin donuts at 5 in the morning, I've roamed cities when you shouldn't I've gotten fat. I've gotten thin. I am not done - all of this, everything that has happened It will happen again. This too makes me happy - I am not done living. For a time I was so sad that nothing could even make me sad, all there was, was sadness. Now I feel, I feel tenfold, and nothing can tear me apart, I don't think, minus loss of my parts, mind and body. Because in the end, all you have is you. It is really all you are given. You are there, for everything you do. No one else, can feel from the perspective of your body, so do it well. I feel more together than I ever have. But who knew, ten years ago, that life has so many pieces? Its a maddening conundrum, this world I perceive. I am so happy to be alive. I can do so much. You do so much as well, so much well. It is just a different so much than me. It's good to remember this. I'm going abroad next semester. Copenhagen, Denmark. Another home for my list. Legos and colorful houses. Speaking Danish. I like to document. I want to take pictures, I want to write about the pictures I take, what my mind produces. I want to do that with the rest of my life. I want to remember that I exist, with all of you.