i hate who i am. and how things play out. it just bothers me that everyones at torie's right now and i'm not... i always fit in with like her and the rest of them and not really anyone else.. and now i apparently don't... i hate it when i read marty's away message and it says: toriesssss 4.6.5.9.4.9.9 <--- oh shut up. i know that shes going out w/ colin and crap, but i was always better friends with torie, and marty doesn't need friends. shes accepted. i hate this. and then i hate it how when me and allie had that lil thing with her after like a week shes like ALLIE LETS BE FRIENDS AGAIN! do i get that? no. i'm just not cool enough. i'm thinking if i should call and say something... but i bet i would fuck it up. maybe i will. it's not just that.. its that stuff like that always happens to me. always has always will. i wish i wasn't born. i wish i didn't have to think of everyone who have it played out.. so perfectly i wanna cry again i wanna die i wanna just go away i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i want val to come back from Tex. i wish i could talk to someone again someone i haven't talked to for a few years now someone really great and when i talk to him.. it all f.a.l.l.s.b.a.c.k.t.o.g.e.t.h.e.r. but hes so wonderful. too wonderful for me.