I know i I always biych and complain about him but i really can't take it anymore. He fills my head with so much negitivity like your getting fat, If you get any fatter i don't want to be with you. Why do you where those type of clothes, You don't look good, Im a bitch, im a cunt. I mean isn't the one person that is suppose to care about you that you care about suppose to make you feel good about themselves. But how can you when you have somebody always putting you down. Its not fair to have to live like this. I want sombody to be there for me when i'm down or just hug me whent they see me. But he can't do that i try to do that but he just pushes me away. As if he doesn't care. So my question is if he doesn't care which he has told me from time again then why does he still hold onto me.? Reasons why i stay is casue i think things will change fro the better and 4 years is a long time and i do love him but im just stressed to the level that sombody at my age couldn't handle. People say to me that im with him for a father figure but thats not what i want from him. He was a great person when i met him but his excuse now is that i made him this way. The truth iss he made himself that way. Then a christmas he bought me a ring and asked me to marry him. Of course i said yes but now that he trows at me which is like a knife to the heart is that i made him to that. To be honest yeah i wanted a ring or something to that value just to symbolize us that we have been together for 4 years and it means somthing. Even my family asked how come he hasen't gotten you a ring yet or anything. My answer is i don't know. So yeah he goes and buys me one but it was his choice to do so and it was his total doing of asking mt to marry him. Isn't that kind of thing suppose to come from sombody's heart but no he doesn't have a heart and if he does ita a pretty cold one. To have somone say that you care about and that you think cares about you you made me do it. THe type of person is a ruthless cold hearted no careing asshole. And that is what he is. And i know i do diserve better but how in the hell do you walk out of a 4 year realtionship that you pray and hope to last forever. But you nkow deep down in the pit of your stomach that it won't. I don't know i think im just as fucked up. And lost in my head instead of listening to my heart.

Discribe normal most defenitly not me. I feel like im stuck in a spot and i cant make a move. if i was normal maybe i wouldn't feel like that. Things have been so stressful and you would think no one can live like. The fighting and yeeling and screaming, The lack of trust, The lack of love. HOw is that life normal, im=n my books its not, its more like living in hell. I always wonder to my self if the one is out there waiting for me or is this the one that is the closest i get. Caue this really doesn't not feel like the one. Its like my mind doesn't even make sence anymore. I can't sleep, i feel so frustrated and bitchy. The thing is i never well i can't never say never casue there was a time were i did feel like this before. But im suppsoe to be happy. Im so young and i can barely feel it. I just wish i could close everything out and look at my self in a differnt way. I want to be the one on the outside looking in. So i can see the pictures for what it really is. Liek i have said many time before that would be just to easy. And east just does not come to me. Life has to be hard and fucked up.

I feel that i have had enough of this realtionship. He will never change. It like every time i do somthing wrong he yells at me and yells at me. But no when he does something wrong i have to stay quite casue im not allowed to give him shit casue iff i do he changes the story around and puts it all on me that its my fault hes like that. He talks as if hes so perfect but in reality he isn't. It's like he has my on usch a tight leash that im strangling my self but im trying to set free. I don't know its like i do want to be with him but i don't. Maybe im jsut a fucked up as he is. His fav word to call me is a cunt and he knows that i hate that word and that it gets me very angury. but now he still likes to do it. I jsut want to find somebody that will like me for who i am and love me and show that he loves me. No not in this realtionship its more like the other way around. I fucken help him with everything. But when it comes to helping me or even listening to me he deson't want to. It like my family isn't important to him. Only his family. He treats me as if im his kid. I swear i can't take it anymore. But then again i feel stuck. I really don't know what to do.

I don't know if i want to call it falling out of love. But it just what i feel. This may not make any sece casue i love him with all my heart but i don't think it the type of love that i want to have. YEah we have the good and bad times. BUt mostly all it is is bad shit. I just want to be happy with my life. I think im just a really confussed girl. Im just gonna let it take its course and if its ment to be then we will last if its not then thats the way its suppsoe to be. Its like i have fallen and i can't get up and im stck stuck in this life. Life what a life that was given to me. Yeah i still dweal over what has happened in my life. All i want right now is to enjoy my life and be happy and right now i may seem happy but deep deep down i don't feel happy. I just need somthing good to happen to me. well one thing did i have agood job but i want to be able to smile from someone makeing me smile. Someone to take care of me and love me and cherish me for ever. And im not sure if im getting that from this realionship. This is such a hard life a hard situation just hard everything. This diary is my only way to get my feelings out where bo body gets mad at me. and i can say what ever i want. I jsut wish the one person i did care about woudl realize that i would like to have him there to talk to about thing weather its bad or good. But all i can do is dream. Dreams and wishes thats all my life is .

Im listening to tracy chapman and it just makes me remember when i lived with me dad and we would listen to he songs and cry cause they had so many meanings that could relate to us in ways, With my mom deing and not having her here anymore, just me and my dad left. Which didn't even go all that good becasue all he did was drink and be abusive. Sometimes i wish what if he wasn;t like that we would be happy and be fine. I wouldn't have to gorw up in group homes or foster homes. I do blame him for not being there, not fighting for me back. He realy let me down. My mom would not be happy. But if life was good i wouldn't have met sonny and that wouldn't be the same not having him with me. Life really dealt me a shitty hand to deal with. But i guess all the matters is that im still here and going. Things are going good for me. But i still think that life could have been way better then what it is right now. I just think my life souldn't have been like this. Like that song says at this point in my life. But in ways i beleve that and ways i don't casue my life should be way better then this. When i was a child i was happy my family was together even though there was problems i just wish that me life had my mom in it that would have made life so much easier. But i guess that life wasn't ment for me to live no matter how much i want it to be. Yeah i am happy now i just want to be happier if that is possible i guess that sounds corny but this is my diary i can say anything corny. But in my heat as well its not corny. I use to want to die and be with my mom but its not my time and i know she will be waiting for when it is. My journy isn't over. I just hope sonny and i will last forever and be happy casue he is my heart and soul even though lifes is really tough right now. But you never know it just may get better and things will go the way we want them to.

Things are going great so far fights here and there but things are ok for once. We argue about messed up things that aren't worth fighting over. but he says sorry to me but all i want to know if hes really serious about his apoligy. I just hope he knows i love him with all my heart and i will do anything to help him and help this relationship. Thats just the way i am and i think that the best feuture about my self. soony best his he can be so sweet and really show it. but lately he hasn't done that. i wish he would. i just want things to be better between us. i want to smile and laugh like we use to. that would be so nice. But we have to stop argueing and talk to each other and relax and be calm. cause i don't know what i would do if we were to ever break up.

things are still goin ok but for some reason i just feel so frustrated with everything that happends at home and etc. i don't know why is it casue im bitchy or am i just like this casue i wish it was just me and sonny alone and no problem or anything. its like yeah i may be engaged to sonny but his kids are such a had full that its drives me nuts but even with money sonny always wants me to help him the thing is i do help him i help with his spoiled kids, his bills and payments buying him things when i know he needs something. i can care less about these things but i just want somthing in return he doesn't do anyhting specail for me anymore lik he use to. he use to write me poems and draw me pictures and i found this so sweet like i still do it for him and its just to make him feel specail. but he claims hes to old to do that and people grow out of things like that. but i didn't fall in love with someone who just decided that he didn't want to do anything specail for me anymore i fell in love with him becasue he made me smile or cry casue his words would touch me so strongly. yeah he doesn't write them well then say them to me but he doesn't do that either. don't get me wrong i love him and his family with all my heart i just want things to be easier in life with everything thats bad jsut goes away. but hey thats just a dream that will never come true. so what am i usppose to do? take each day but each day and live no matter if its shitty or just perfect. wow what a line but i guess its what you call life and life just isn't normal.

well things are still doing good we haven't fought in about a week witch is nice casue i don't want to fight anymore. like the entry tilte says one step at a time and with those words in mind things have got to get get better then they are already. hes beeing really sweet to me and its nice to hvae him like that. but i acually have really great news today i was hired as a supervisor for my department at work im climbing that ladder that i have struggled so hard with and im so happy that i have sonny there supporting me as i do him. things have got to get better and i have faith that they will i just know it. i love you sonny ramos. :)

well we seemed to have made up which is a great thing i hate arguing with him i just wish it would just all stop from this day forward i pray and hope that all the fighting will stop yeah its ok to hvae the odd fight but not us its all the time and i just don't want to do it anymore im getting tired of yelling all the time but i just hope he knows its both of us thats needs to change its not just me it him to and if he can't see that well im not sure what will happen. 2007 has to be a good year thats all i ask for a great year to look forward to at my work i was offerd the supervisor spot and of course i took it, more money less problems all thats left is happiness. soon enough that will come. im gonna get trained starting next week apporx. im so happy. well i just hope everything will be great after that thats all i ask for and happiness will be an award.

you asked me to marry you now you want out i don't get it,whats goin on my head is stuck in a dream a dream i thought would last a life time a fantasy that just wont come true. you always yell and scream i just wish you would cry to let it out i ask myself is this what i want, as i always say if i didn't i wouldn't be here all this drama can drive someone crazy but all this just makes me stronger. he says he loves me but what is his meaning of love cause i don't get it he says he don't want me nomore i wonder what was i all this time he puts it all on me always me who does wrong wrong doing in this realionship isn't just on me but him to there two sides of every street one day he loves me the next he wants me gone. why put that ring on my finger if its for all that. all that, all gone, love, lust fuck what is this life

I swear that i just had the best birthday i have ever had in a long time. A bunch of us went out and had it out a blast. I got so hammered that i was just wrong. T least sonny was there he said i didn't even notice him but i did like hello hes my b/f and im with him but i haven't been out with my firends in so long it was nice to have fun instead of standing there. But i think he new i was happy and that i enjoyed my self. but man i did not feel good the next day i had the worst hang over i think i have ever had. But hey i guess i disevered it for drinking like that but see what killed me for the night was all those shot the last one taqulla that's what finished me. lol but im happy i has a fun time and i had everyone there that i wanted there and its a bash of a life time

What did i do to diserve this im not suppse to live like this im suppose to be happy but everytime i think things are going good and im happy it just all falls apart. I just wish he could just listen to me and to my feelings its like he loves hurting me he always calls me names and i bag him to stop and he promices he will but he always breaks them and still calls me names. i just want him to stop please god make him stop i don't want him to be like this he isn't the man i fell in love with he says he wants to be with me but how can i be with sombody that treats me like that its like he acts as if hes perfect or somthing he never does anything wrong only everone eles does and if we do anything wrong well then he gets mad and yells at you for it. like i had a realy bad week i lost my bus pass and cell phone and he freaks out like hello u aren't my father u have no right to yell at me or give me shit things happen mistakes happen. i dunno maybe this relaionship is a mistake i really don't want to think that but what eles am i suppse to think if it wasn't a mistake our realionship would be fine. you know if he really loved me he wouldn't do this unless this is how he is 3 1/2 years for what i feel so stuck and lost in my heart and mind like i have no say in anything i can't do anything i can't feel anything casue if i do well i get yelled at. maybe if he ever read my diary well maybe he can see what kind of person he is casue he acually reading it. maybe just maybe it might click fuck what the use of trying anymore if it's gonna lead to this

I really don't know what his problem is but he just loves saying that im his problem and i am the reason why he is the way he is. bull shit if he can whipe his own ass well then he can think for himself and be himself. He treats me as if he my parent news flash ass hole u aren't ur suppose to be my boyfriend who is suppose to be there for me and love me and care about me but noe he just likes to yell at me. See this is his reason for yeeling at me today i can't find my bus pass and i think i might have lost it thwn i got off the bus. i told him of course you know its like a complete accedent things like this happened to everyone but oh no its doesn't happen to sonny hes perfect fuck that shit. no he has to call me stupid and keep saying it over again i don't know what he gets from this but fuck it sure in hell doesn't make him a better person. he fucken always promices me that he will stop calling me names but no he keeps doing it and its getting worse. i don't know how much i can take of his shit that he throws at me. I hate him for the person he is and hes always been like this ever since i met him. I can only take so much of him yelling and bringing me down but no later he acts as if nothing as happened and well oh well you just made me mad fuck about what im not your kid to yell at for somthing i did wrong its my mistake my money fuck i hand enough to him as it is thats why i don't havemoney i swear if i was on my own i would be just fine but no i had to fall in love woth a fucken asshole who dpens't even care on how he makes me feel or anyone for that matter. when it comes to people being mad at him well thats a big no no no one is alllowed to give him shit cause if so then he puts it all on you. what a nice guy. I don't think he has ever cared about me enough to stop doing what i ask him to like swearing yelling he can't do it but when he askes me to do somthing and i don't change well thats a differnt story. Yeah he says he wants to be with me forever but i don't think i can be with someone like him that abuse's me mentally and emotionally by calling me names like bitch, stupid, cunt those are he three favouite words not i love you im sorry nothing of that sort. why can't he just face the music and say hey maybe i am like this i should change to help the realionship that i want to keep and when we both work together maybe we have a chance to last a life time. but things like that are way to hard for him. i just wish i would just give up and walk away but see its called love on my half that i don't cause i see change i see a future but i sure as in hell don't see a future with somone like him who is gonna yell at me for something i didn't do or if i did do somthing but that is towards me he yells and calls me names. fuck sonny have a fucken heart and start seeing you can't fucken treat people like this.

Yeah i know the title of my diary is named after a song but the thing is the name is so true. Yeah i mean we hvae our great days where wow im so happy and then when the days are so bad i just wish i wasn't here. maybe that is normal but then again what is normal. see i do love him but i just wish that he would just trat me as if i am the love of his life not his kid and some one he can yell at. Some times i ask my self what did i do to disever this but i can't answer that. This realationship must mean somthing we have been together for 3 1/2 years. But hey maybe thats just tje period in my life where i am suppse to be. But hey i do love him i love him so much. i just wonder if he knows that or if he does know then does he realize. i just wish all the yelling and hatered would just stop. it hurts me so much to know that he just blames it all on me. I don't understand why. like he says then reason why im like this is casue of you u made me like this. The thing is how can i make somone like that hes the one who yells and screams and swears i just bag him to stop. i just wish we were happy to the extent that we didn't argue so much. I just wish it was still like when we first met. but i guess realionships are always like that when they first start out. Its like every time i try to talk to him about how i feel or tell him about my day he says i don't want to hear it i don't care im not listening how can there be a realtionship if he can't listen. i listen to everything he has to say when hes sad or upset. like i ask him how his day was and i listen. Its like my family has asked me how come sonny hasn't bought you a ring yet. i just say i don't know but i want him to cause i want to be with him but i mean yeah he calls me some times by mrs ramos but i mean does he really want to make me mrs ramos. U know he yells over everthing no matter what it is it like why is he so angry. is he angry at me or just every one. i always ask him stop yelling just talk or stop swearing but he doesn't care he can't even do that for me or his kids he just like that i guess. I would do anything for him but would he do the same he says he will but man half the time i don't even know. I would love to spend my life with him and never let him go. but half the time i don't think that what he wants casue he doesn't treat me like he wants to be with me all the time. its like if i don't do somthing he yells if something isn't done right he yells if i say something wrong he calls me names and yells. why does he do that wy can't he stop doing that and just talk or no say anything at all. yeah i know im not perfect but do i really make him that mad or does he hate me that much that he does that. we could be in the greatest mood we are happy we are laughing but if i say something stupid or if i do somthing wrong he flipps out then an argument starts i don't get it. I wonder if even does. i just hope he know that i do love him and i will always be there but i just pray things get better and all the yelling can just stop and we can be happy

when will it be my turn to get what i want, im not trying to sound that i have to get what i want but what i really want is to have my boyfriend to my self for while. i hate having a house full. I never get any alone time with him. I don't know it wold just be nice to have it all come true for just once. I always wonder what did i do to get where i am. I hvae no mom my dad is dieing slowly, my boyfriend has a family of his own already, the threee most important people in my life and i can't be happy with any of it. I wonder if any others find this weird caue i do and so does my family i came to edmonton for a visit with my family sonny went to bc where he doesn't really know anyone when relly i either could have gone with him or he could have came with me and we could hvae had a time together where there are no worrys, no kids, nothin just me and him but he didn't want to all he said is that if he get bored he will come earlier to see me and take me home but whatever this relationship is so fucked up i don't even know what going on anymore. it would just be nice to have a normal life where im happy for a change

Im not saying our love isn't true i jsut want to know if your love is ture to me meaning do u love me as much as u say u do. I know we may fight over the stupidest things ever but i just want to let you know i love u. I sometimes sit and wonder how our future would be It drives me nuts casue i still wonder if you are the one im to marry and if i am the one i wonder if it will be like we are right now with the more downs than ups. Its like when i first met you u sent shivers down my spine to know how i have some one like you so kind and so speical i honestly didn't know we would last 3 years and im so happy that we did. Its like we had so much fun and time and laughter with each other in the beggining. I jsut want to know here did it all go. Will that spark ceom again. I really hope so casue it is my dream my wish my life to hvae it like it was when we first met where we smiled and showed each other our love for each other. I love you with every inch of my heart.

What Are We Is love real is it everlasting promices never kept always broken broken hearts in peices that never heal happy together forever is that all so true i wish i knew are you the one for me is it really what i feel i look into your eyes i wonder if this is what you really want its been so hard its so compiclated how can we take all this all those goodbyes it never changes please let me show I do my best love so deep so special anything your heart disirers are we even happy together im there for you i love you are we ment for eachother together forever is that what we are made for we had our smiles is there many more to come you gave me everything anyone could ask for I afraid I won't be able to give you complete happienes But im by your side looking in to your eyes knowing i love you so im not giving up

Man i jsut wish things would be jsut happy then they already are i feel so miserable and im really not so sure why yeah i know kinda why thats becasue sonny and i are always fighting and never getting along for stupid reasons that shouldn't even be going on. Man i jsut wish it was perfect or somthing i just wish sonny and i were happy and whenever we looked into each others eyes we smiled man i jsut hate that sonny just looks at me being the problem in the reltionship and its never him. i don't understand that concept. I jsut wish he knew that i love him to peices and even though we fight and shit i will always love him. Its just life is so confussing right now and think that will never change i jsut hate life right now and i should be enjoyiing it but im not maybe casue im not happy i don't know i just wish i knew more about what life is gonna give me in return adn what my life is gonna be like in the future. But like i said I wish

Its like everything is being all pined on me and i hate it with a passion yeah you know i talk the way i do casue thats who i am but come on its like then help out don't ask such stupid questions. I feel like im getting so sick of this but man o man i really don't know what to do anymore i feel so stuck and lonely its like im not made or ment for this i don't know im so confussed. its all about me and what i do but whatever other people say its fine especially if they hurt me or anyone eles. im getting so sick of this his kids confusse the hell out of me i feel like screming and stuck and don't know what to do i wish someone could help me but no one can in the way i want fuck i hate this life i really fucken hate it.

theres always somthing that always has to happen like some one not getting a long or agruing betwwen me and sonny why can things just be alright its hurt me so much that mark the only person out of sonnys kids that i had the most respect for. and he tottaly two faced me what the fuck is going on here i really don't understand i wish i could its like its against the law to be conserned about someone and worried and scared for a person. its like im not allowed to do that its like mark is bring a child into this world and he's really not ready for it ist only a few months away till the baby comes and hes not rushing for anything. man i hope things work out perfectly for him and jessica. He a wonderful person hes very smart but i just pray that everyt hing work out just fine for everyone that includes me and sonny