The way i struggle. in the moment and in the race of the world. ive become numb, i never wanted you to see, the sick side of me. you are my cancer, i buried myself inside myself. to hide? to fade? here iam geting my strength back more and more each day. i remember you as my sickness as my hate. with each step i have put that drink down, more and more, the selfdistruction has faded, the self worth as screamed in myface. reminding me that im worth and this sickness i have felt is gone, going away,

the demon in me..have been best of friends, right from the start. and dreamin is all i can lately for some this shall pass. the hurt that ahce inside, worries and frightens me....he i sit wondering where togo. here i am in british columbia.. the dream land ive dreamt of since i saw fashion file. the tight lipped nothings have me going around in circles...as i stare at you. i speak of nothings, there you go going around in circles, wraped inside your brain. with a simple smile. and blank look you see your fault, yet you arent yet to admit it all. you will come around and search for the right words to express to me with. Once i see the demon inside me i will vanish all the hate, but you just wait.. this shall pass through the viens i use as a path.

through all the late night snacks with me selfishly..indulging on your voice. havin so much maybe to much faith in you. all i want is keep going and going, wishing wanting screaming a little wandering through the thick streets. When it comes you, im proud to stand there, yet in time ive notice your shifty attitude, and want to know why, and here iam stronger than ever...and i have control. yet you push me away with your words. and once i heard..it all went out the window, and now with just one night. we are not ever going to be the same. well it was fun, i felt like a child in a candy shop. just remember i remember what youve said... your sketchy thoughts have killed the mood. the buzz is gone., and here i am bitting my tongue not to fuck this all up. this beauitful tragedy, has crashed and glass is in my eyes, and i just look the other way. you arent winning and you makin me lose, your losing me. and with all the hate all of a sudden has smashed us in the face, i can no longer pretend. and as wonder wonder what i dont barely know you and i see quickly you arent..anything. you have been amazing understanding, willing but i cant!

what time is it...where you are? its getting lonely living in this town. i wake up to the sun and all i think of is you, > i keep you on my favorite list..you the only one on that list. i wake up to sweet wish you were heres: and i melt..cheesy is all we have tho we had that one night. in that town...its was the most beautiful thing...ive had in such a long time. i just dont want to let go. i miss you, its driving me mad. i have no control rolling with the punches,

i dont expect only one to read this, in fact i dont think there is a person right now, tha would chance it. my strength is comin, yet i feel like afool, once again, here i sit, yet as the years fade away, i have lost, i thought i did love but, you seein the end, i notice, was that love, i never knew what love is, even tho who really knows what it is. and how it feels, and what id does to us. i faded to the dark, i lost the will to win. right about now. i know hed call me, and remind me how great iam, but now he is gone, and i have to be strong, and remember how he tell me. all my good qaulities, i met a boy, i have always called him and boy deep down i knew he wasnt mine, but he kept walkin beside me.

It took you two years, to finally convince me, and yeah. i have to admit it. you werent the one at the start, i just asked if you could show me who you are, and you didnt. but not you stand there, with all the strength in the world, and i breathing fire, like it was all my fault, all this talkin i do. i still dont k now what is inside your head. You were always there in my mind, never thought youd be the one to shatter my world, cus my world was you. and go along with them.. acting as if, i whsouldnt be surprised, i dont think you understand who iam. and i cry and tell you my everything, im tired of letting it all go, watchin someone, walk out of my life, and i was too stubburn to admit, how i felt. I promised myself i wouldnt and look i didnt, not this time, and as you waste my tears holding it all back, you insult me, show me you werent worth it. I ignored all the signs, i prentended, that youd never leave, and i forgot me. i just like to cuddle and forget it all. and now im here on my own, im feeling good. and it only gets better, eachday.

Hiding, maybe? searching not sure anymore. but for one thing i know and knew. was i could never..ever! My dignity has come undone, i cant goo...i cant do it all on my own. im hiding my heart i had to seperate you from everything. i allowed to adapt with you. and a simple response. is all i wanted, i guess that was far too much for you. go ahead and be my friend. but with you doin all you did. i will never trust you will all of me. and i could never be your friend. your just there. to be civil. and i wiont ask you of anything. You dont understand the depth. i had with you. things are changed and done. when you will try i will walk. just like you did. when i showed you my heart in my hands. hiding my heart ...

I have no story to be told, You played with all of me. i was hangin off every word. convinced myself to love you. and no w here i am, turned my sorrow into treasure gold. we couldnt ever had it all. i just could deal with the fact. i was tryin to hard. and when i screamed your name. you froze in that one spot, and tip-toed your way out...the fire starting in my heart. the fever i own. i can finally see you crystal clear. and when i wanted you. i knew i shouldnt of.. but i did anyways. the scars of us.. is invisble..the was never love int he start. and to finish with love is impossible.. so therfore i have no story to tell..

I'm Not sure who you really think you are, you got all this wrong, ive know you too long, oh most love comes for free. and with you, your overwhelming, too much work for nothing really?> Dont confues me. you see you have no idea where i actually am. This is the story of a boy, who will never find me, I asked for a little of your time,a nd all you can do is, physically be there, yet your not there, and baby if you can do it. what makes you think i cant. yah there are things i have told you, but there are many things i have not. you say you dont care. so easily, which to me, is a croward, and tryin to not to fall to pieces right infront of me. you are a fake and i will not poke, you out. i love to light you up. I cry to get fill the gaps. and when i sing and dance. i truly wish it wasnt you. Your careless acts. will get you down, wait your already depressing to given look at! Here now i tryed so hard not to fuck this shit up, but you see all i had to do is allow you to have control, and you did it for me.

I got the power babe to make your heart meltYour weakness shines as you start screaming for helpI'll get you back and turn your world all inside outYou'll only waste your breath with every single scream and shoutYou got greedy fine leave me alone and rot in your placeBut when you're crawling on your knees for me I'll smash you in the faceA little harm on you gives me a new startTake back the blood that spilled when you broke my heartI wanna make you know the meaning of my painSo I can see inside the fortune of playing this gameYou got greedy fine leave me alone and rot in your placeBut when you're crawling on your knees for me I'll smash you in the faceAin't gonna let the this devil drag me downGonna make sure that my blackened heart is foundYou will show me where you keep it of so safe and soundSo I can have it back and leave you in the groundThis shouldn't take long darlin' just close your eyesLet me take over feel the wrath of your criesBy causing this I'll know exactly what you have gainedSo I can look right into you and say I feel the sameYou got greedy fine leave me alone and rot in your placeBut when you're crawling on your knees for me I'll smash you in the faceJust so happens you weren't my Mr. RightBest that you sleep with one eye open tonightYou'll come crawling... You'll come crawling...

My Heart Stopped, The smuthering caught up with me, and when your not around im better, So please tell me, why ami afraid. and why is this feel like crumbling, my mouth sqivers, and my heart skips beat., after all i dont want you, but where is my strength? how come you act like you just dont care, care at all.Its not suppose to hurt this way. and for some god damn reason, i dont believe you, when im at work im fine, and when you offer to pick me up, and the silence between us, i need you, but you see i reuse to tell you. You looked me in the eye....dont turn around your only making this worest. i wish i wasnt sad...isnt this what i wanted??? I gotta get over it! Maybe just maybe i deserved this but atleast thought youd, have the respect. but what ami kidding, you a male. Im tryin to keep my cool, i know it shows, im searching for the words inside my head. tryin to be perfect.. but im not..and im unhappy, just lost in what im so use too. and here i get left alone, you lay there, holding me, yet you claim, you dont care anymore,,, not sure how you can hold me. or try to seduce me, to me you have disgusted me. and the fact is your not dealing with any of it. you cant just dissmiss me.

You can wear, that black dress. and you know they only, agree with you for the sake of, simplicity always on the run, thinking you have it all done, you fogrt the fact you leave yourself. open, You bitch talk wont get you anywhere, and i know cus i use to be meaner than you. but go ahead. and do what you want, it sooner or later will take over all of you. You make wanna hey you smell like dick. awe awe......you make me wanna. thrash your head. and send the center of my foot. in your head.

Forget the look, he never understood, what level, you were really on. and now to watch him, slowly fall apart, i can nolonger be here, in control. was not me. and when i sleep i dont miss you. So please tell me why i cry when im drunk? I was the one to let it all be known, i can nolonger play house with you. It kills me becuse at one point, i figured you have your say, but you clearly dont have much. and it hurts to the point when i look at you i wanna cry, Cus i did all for nothing, You didnt even have the guts to tell me...The core of me is wnating to scream kick and be mean. but where that get me.

Your Suttlies strangle me, and all you think is nothing, i dont want to need, like this anymore, maybe its best you leave me alone. The darkness is slowly fading away, and my mind. is gettin clearer, the walls start breathing, my mind is unreaveling, and when you look at me like that, i want to just up and say never. and not at all. Im too tired to fight, and it ends tonight, you have watched me fall and disinagrate, yet you stare and at wall where i was once standing, Thinking you have to buckle down now. that im goin and gone, its far too late dont you see all the passion and tears i have put into you. When and if you care, you act on it, nothing last forever, and please dont try to drown me with sweet thoughtful things, you will only make it more complicated. After all the bleeding, i smile and say, yes i did what ive wanted to do...

I use to think.. that when i would explain us. how i d tell the story of us. the sparks flew. and i know i had you when i met you. but the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy. i purposly ignore you. you over react. and now i think ur nothing but a joke. i guess i can be mean. Standing alone in this cold room. and i havnt heard silence quite this loud. now this is looking like a battle who will give up first. I just want to go somewhere, where i dont have to explain. my current mistake. and i guess i knew from the start it wouldnt work. but i tried so hard. i set myself up for when you left. and now in a rage i hate you yet i cry for you. and i dont want you and then im so use to you. so i want you again. and then throw you away over and over agin. and this isnt what i wanted. and where did i go? i read you like a book.a nd when the ending comes i always close the book. im afriad of the ending. so i wake up im a panic. i never knew id wake up and be hungry for you. This is everything. inside. I dont know how to hold you with would shaking. and i dont know how i can love you with out aching. cus this is the last honest love i will ever give. this eveything. out on the table. yes i gave you all of me. when you didnt expect it all was there. and as i came flying at you. you watched me fall to the ground. and the first time was okay. it wasnt meant to hurt me. so i tryed again. and again. i got lost and to forgiving.

I never thought id need you there when i cried.* and when you walked away. i count the steps you take. can you see how much i need you here. and the words i need you to say, will never come as easy as they use too. If you could only see how i need you here right..now...All ive been tryin to let you know. how much i love you. and when you go. i will miss you...I still remember as a child that smell of your room was always prettier than anyothere room in the house. and how i wished i had your bed instead of mine. Every step in life i take it with pride. Slowly down in life and when i have all my silence. i know i dont have a friend in you. and moments have faded. people we love have dissappeared. and when i sit there, and you smile. i not sure how iam suppose. to be and how to act. i try to show my love for my family. but they get lost in this and that. Growing up without a daddy. wasnt easy. i use to hate you. but that was when i didnt understand things, and yes i do believe you could of done better. but thats the fact of life. and all of your mistakes, have shown me the truth of life... and i wont do most of them. i fight to hold on

this entry is me pretending to talk to a dad or a mother. i call you up and talk try to get things sorted out. but your there on the other end. there but not. and you interupt... to say your busy. its been it 9 days since my birthday. and i still have not. got to see you. you are my mother. you are the one that gave me life. and now i cant stand to be in yours. the Silence kills me and i have never heard silence so LOUD!. i held it all in for years and years. and now the family i once thought i had has turn to dust. this is looking like i have nothing. to hold on to. but you see this has been happening to long. i just had someone to distract me with all the beautiful things, here int his world to distract me. and now i wish i had him holding me when i cried, spoke with anger in his voice. because. someone made his baby cry... Next Chapter: he was and is nothing. here iam stand alone. wishing he would see how i can i can NEVER love him* my heart is beating on me like a drum* and when i kiss you and i know it over and never really was anything. you thought you had it all and i knew i had nothing speacial, and when she is there im not afriad to say what im going to say. Im not what you think i want toi be bad. i want to have a kiss that taste like a sweet victory in the bedroom.!

To Seperate you. Just to aviod this truth, that hurts..Iquestion myself, how to trust and how to be honest without rage, where is the line between honesty andlies, as is till here millions of this rush through.. i really dont want to think them, but i can see your back up plan. Maybe i just dont understand you, through it all i was the one always talking, always in a way reminding you, that i am better than you. I was so focused on protecting myself. from another you, that i never clued in... i smoke more when im around you just to keep my sanity. it hurts me in the end. all these locke dup innocent secrets. yet are they even secrets? You try so hard. and if you wanted to be with her. im sure you would so what is my problem....I think it maybe jealouy. i know i have changed you and i know it for the worse. -what have i done.

It took place, in the winter christmas was int he air. i remember struggling to put my shoes on and smoking thinking i could do it all. and what when you stare and you grabbed the smoke. and i knew you didnt smoke. I get lost long ago. you payed attention just at the right time. when i needed it the most. and now a year and some later. im crying. i yelled till 5am last night. and i knew you had to work in the morning. and i scream and bared it all you layed there. with no remorse. and i will be gone faster that you can say anything! And now im here and your there. i walk in at night your too busy sneaking around.a nd when im here. you act as if im thinking crazy. youd never do that to me. and here i am walked ina nd surprised you at 130am. you and i know both know i work till 230ish. everynight. and what i found. you wouldnt leave me alone. you wanted me to give up and walk away. and i saw the lies fall out of your eyes. yet you still deny it all. and i cant believe youd go this far. and then you say you care. wiithout gesture.

The Story of is ending more than you know. i give you the signs, and when you hold me and say that you love me. i know deep down your just saying like im just saying it, maybe it will make either one of us will feel something. Howd we get this way. i do anything and everything to make you think im too busy for you. and the fact of the truth. you asct the same. I stand alone in a crowded place. you havnt even made eye contact with me. for some time now. and i just wanted to know does this hurt you. as much as it hurts me. PLease go ahead be you. and when im me you dont like it very much, but what iask you is the silence is killing me more than your mistakes and you are far to blind and stubburn to fix them.