I'm not really sure when the last time was when i wrote in this thing. but well let's just say things have gotten in control and out of control again, it pretty much has changed but gotten better in a lot of parts. well me and my boyfriend are madly in love and that is just oh so wow. im so blessed to have him in my life and im so lucky to have such a great guy. ive never actually felt this way about somebody who has loved me back as much as i know he does. i cant live without him he is my life. and well i couldnt possibly make it without him he has changed my life in so many ways he has made me a better person and made me know who i really am and who i can really trust in my life. my friends.....well they are pretty good, a little problems but i dont really care anymore. im sick of worrying about them and how everything is going to turn out and shit like that. im just sick of them getting pissed at me for no reason and i cant wait til they realize its not me whose changed its them. and i hope they realize it soon cuz its pissing me off like no effing other. haha wow im so not the person to talk to about this shit anymore. so many people used to come up to and ask me for things. well lets just say thats still going on.but im sick of it. bye bye i love you

Yeah my summer has been pretty busy that is why i havent updated this much, and i know there is really only a couple of people that actually read this and i dont even know if the one person i actually wrote in this for, still reads it. She will tell me if she comes to visit my site ... right en. my summer has been great, let me tell you. me and my boyfriend have gotten really close, but i dont want the school year to start because hes gonna be at the other school. but we are going to make it through and i know it. im strong and hes strong and our love is strong. there is nothing that could change how much i love him. nothing. me and my best friends are good. i missed them this past week, i didnt get to hang out with them much. but i got to catch up today and we made plans to hang out again. on friday. hehe. well im out i got some things to do. ill be writing. :-D tomorrow. or tonight.

okay wow, so its summer and i never thought i would be updating this again, but apparently i am. summer has been great, ive been hangin out with my boyfriend, and my one really good friend, but my best friend is sick and that sucks. she better get better!! so yeah its been going great, my job is great, i make 80 bucks a week for working 2 days a week, its freaking amazing!! ive had cross country training every morning, which is good cuz it makes me feel skinnier than i am. and it makes me feel good about myself, im really excited for the season too but i still got months to go. its all good. so last night i went to my boyfriends house and i found out so many things about him and it made me cry, that just goes to show how much i freaking care about this kid. yes, im in love, and i know its really because he loves me back more than anyone ever has. and he treats me better than anyone in the whole world has. i am so lucky to have him and im crazy about him. yeah im in a good mood and im listening to backstreet boys..wow im cool.

okay so i only have 5 more freaking days of school, 3 out of those 5 are final days which sucks monkey ass, but at least they are all the first 3 days of the week. its 85 degrees outside and im sitting inside studying for my gay as finals. thats kind of funny cuz i could..i could..be doing this outside but im a dumbass. i watched barbershop and barbershop 2 today, yes in order. and i really dont think they are that good, and i remember people telling me they saw them and they were great. not to me, sorry there guys. but yeah so i have to give a leadership report tomorrow first period then i have a final 2nd and 8th im not worried about 8th period, english is such a blow off. i dont really care. cuz my grade won't change, it's been the exact same all freaking year, got to love my teacher. yeah so yesterday was 2 months for me and him and we hung out at his house, it was fun. and im glad i got to spend time with him. he is different from the other guys ive gone out with or liked. he knows how to treat me and he knows that he can act himself like around my parents. i still remember(and you probably do to, the other guy i used to talk about) well yeah he would come to my house, and he like was so freaking scared of my family it wasn't even funny. and when we were like making out or something and he heard something he would jump like a little mother fucker. i thought it was the funniest thing, how could you be scared of my family? seriously? if you know them, they are like the most loveable people you will EVER meet. seriously! they love everyone, well sometiems, but still you get my drift. oh well, guys will be guys. So i have to go peel some corn for my mum, cuz she went to the pool todaay, and i didnt..wow im cool. so yeah.. ill get to that and some more studying. peace. bye.

so it's happening all over again, well two things are happening all over again. i fell in love again and it came really fast this time. the last time though i was in so much pain cuz he didnt love me back, but i found somebody who does love me back for being me. he is the best ever, and he is just amazing. the second thing that is happening all over again, is my friends are getting all edgy to me, well only a few are. just because he is there, it's like they think im a totally different person, so they have to act different. i'm not a different person, and they know that, they just want to think i am because they want an excuse behind the bullshit they are trying to pull with me. im sorry if i can see your pulling it, so just stop. i know he's there, but that doesn't change jackshit, you want to talk to me, talk to me,im there. i know this person is talking to this other person about me behind my back, i know it i know it i know it. and it's just complete bullshit. i want you to be my best friends, but dont go talking behind my back just cuz you think you can. seriously though, im sick of having to worry about whose talking behind my back and bullshit, and it's been GREAT for a while, then i get a boyfriend, and it starts all over again. im sorry if im as happy as i have been in THE longest time. Flashback to the beginning of the year til about Marchish, i was fucking depressed all the time. i came home, wrote in my book, and cried, i cried myself to sleep all the time. and not very many people knew that. i came into school all depressed bringing in the drama, that caused a shitload of shit for me and for some other people. if you can't see that i am really happy now, and that i don't want to go back to where i was before, what the fuck!? i've never been this happy before, and a TON of people know that. i'm different, i'm better different, nothing bad has happened and nothing has really changed, im just always in the better mood. but people dont seem to see that. ive been having such a great time and a great couple months lately, and then this fucking shit has to start up again, because it just does. what the fuck? im sick of this, this is just how my high school fucking year started ,and now it's going to end with this fucking bullshit. i dont want this to be like that. ahh god i fucking hated my whole freshman year, and just as it's closing it gets better, then it just starts to get worse again cuz my life is just fucking great. i wish people would realize how much they mean to me, MORE then my fucking boyfriend. its not all about him, and they should know that. i would give my life up for my friends, and all he has is my heart. My friends are my life, and they are why i get up to go to school everyday(even though i have to go). but still, why can't they see or just fucking realize, maybe let it pop in their heads, they mean MORE to me then him..way fucking more. more then fucking anything. god i love them more than i love him, and that's a fact. why can't things ever last?

Okay so today is saturday today is semi. yes i am excited but my best friend isnt even going.its just some of my friends..and of course my boyfriend. but like one of the girls i am going with i can not stand at the moment and i have to deal with pictures and dinner iwth her..and she screwed up the whole fucking sleepover thing or afterparty at my house cuz my mom said it was going to be a late night and didnt want boys leaving here half way through the fucking morning..sorry if i think my mom is right on that part. but seriously she was just using me to get this boy at my house so she could like fuck him or do whatever else the fuck she wanted. shes so fucking obsessed with him..its all she fuckingtalks about anymore and quite frankly im sick of it.. omg hes blah blah blah..shut the fuck up nobody wants to here about him.. i dont go around talking about my boyfriend all the time..and like this kid she is obsessd with his is ex and she just cant control herself. whatever fuck her..im not doing any of this kind of shit with her after semi . im done. she has caused so much fucking trouble and like so much shit on something so small. okay and like people are always saying omg i hate my mom and i hate my dad..or parents for that matter..but ive realized i dont hate mine. i just say it when i need to take anger out on someone cuz they are here and its teh easiest people to get to. like i dont know but i seriously would die if i didnt have my mom..she is like a friend..shes always there when i need her and i can tell her everything(even though i dont) i mean i would but then she would like go tell my dad and yeah i just dont want to tell her some important and some of my stupid shit. if you know what i mean. but yeah moving on. i got my nails done yesterday..and yeah i like the way they look and i like having them..bbut omg i had to like sit there for like 2 fucking hours just to get my fucking nails done. my god..i was like hmmm i dont know if im coming back here..haha yeah so this weekend is going by fast and i know tonight is going to go by too..at least i get to hang out with him...hehe

When you give in, its even harder to get out.

okay so don't bother me. i am so annoyed today and at the moment and im getting better than i was this morning but im so freaking agitated its not even funny and nobody gets it when i say that im being a bitch. then when they finally fucking realize i am being a bitch they are like omg your being such a bitch..you know theres medication for that. fuck you bitch i dont give a flying fuck if there is a medication for pms i am going to pms as much as i want..im allowed im a girl. just fucking deal with it..you do it too but yours is like all the fucking time. god fucking damnit. whatever..so today like 2 of my best friends were the only ones who understood me..im sorry if im a problem but i got my friends to support me. -en..god damn i love you. you are my effing hero! thank you for today and for being there when i need you..mwah mwah mwah thank you so effing much for being there!! got to love me..don'tcha?? oh and hes good..hes great..hes beautiful..hes just simply the best ever. im blessed.

okay so great things have been happening and i feel so much better than i did the first half of 9th grade. i was always depressed and always upset about something..even if it was completely stupid. i'm always in a good mood now, and i love my friends more than life itself. ah even if im like a tad sad im extremely happy cuz my friends know what to say or do to cheer me up..okay..so basically this entry is for one of my like best friends.and that is en. -en, you are the best ever and i love you so much! your birthday is the 25 and i just wanted ot let you know how much i care. you are a great friend and i adore you. your always smiling at me, and i love being around you cuz i know you'll make me laugh. ahh your my hero babe! nothing can beat us and the taj mahal..your just simply amazing and i hope tomorrow(the 25th)is the best for you..Happy birthday and dont forget.your a special one! :-D -dn It's good to know that people care..

okay so its been a while..sorry..im not always on the computer anymore..and you know you get caught up with that dumbass myspace. i still remember saying omg thats so stupid..who would get a myspace? and now look i have one..well im retarded..so school is gay.. like seriously i hate it. Somebody has to do a freaking bomb threat..so now were all screwed til friday. with no backpacks and other shit. its so gay. and if the cancel semi cuz they cant find the stupid idiot who decided to write it..im gonna kill them. i will seriously murder them in front of the whole school. God..thanks for screwing us all over for the next couple weeks or however long this is deciding to take. our school is so gay its not even funny. i hate it! Back in middle school we use to have bomb threats like every month so its not that bad..but its like you walk in and you hvae to be groped by the fucking teachers. and they go through your nice stuff too..thanks...i guess my personal life is the shit. so yeah thats my gay school that i have been stressing over for the past couple months..and tomorrow after i do my spanish shit in class i will be done with most of this fucking stress!i cant fucking wait..stress fucking sucks..especially when you cant handle it cuz then you just go crazy..like me. i went wow last week ahh i am so weird. so yeah..school is almost done. less than 2 months to go..then school is out. so that should be great..thats what i am looking forward too..the summer..i just love it. its going to be fun..i wish it was summer right now. only a little bit more to go..then it's all over..then we move on to next year..FUCK NO So yeh..he's good. he's adorable. and he's just a sweetheart.

Ah well it has been a long time since i updated this bitch. i've been really busy lately..and i haven't updated my love. my bad and im sorry. i love writing in here, but i just dont always have the time to sit down and write an entry. but here i am..sunday night.typing an entry! yay babe! so i finally gave up on the kid i was "so in love with" and decided to move on. i know it seems fast but its been almost two months since i cried about him and you know what? it's not really my loss anymore cuz he lost his chance..when he had it. i have a boyfriend now, and its been going great. we have a lot of fun together, and im just glad to be over the other guy. cuz i needed a chance in my life, and i needed to stop worrying about him. which is good? hehe yeah! so things have been really well lately with school and friends and everything. some of my friends think im changing with this boyfriend, but the thing is he is only with me in front of them in the mornings at school and i hang out with him like once on the weekend..it's not really changing anything. but whatever they can think whatever cuz i know im not changing because of a guy. my friends come first and its been that way forever!!! and it will NEVER change. i hope they learn to know that more and more. well yeah so thats all good right there. my family is doing okay..im kind of sick of them, but my mom has always been strict about me getting in cars with people like my age. or like only a couple years older than me and my mom let me get in teh car with my boyfriend which was like WHOA. but hey my parents KICK ASS!! haha and im never going to say that again. please. haha. yeah so if you cant tell im doing better, and im not as "depressed" as i was and what not. i layed out today at my friends house and got burnt so yeah im ALL red. its funny but then again it will turn into tan soon!! ah wow im in a good mood..

wow..this spring break has been the best! i've had like so much fun its not even funny. i haven't taken a break from something until today..i've been running around*hangin out with friends..all the good stuff. it has seriously been so much fun..i miss having so much fun. and i finally got to do some things i havent done in a long time. i went to a friends on tuesday night..then i had doctors and dentist and what not and track on weds. then a friend came over for the night..then i went out with my best friend the next night((ring 2 is good but not as good as i had hoped)) then i slept over her house..then she came here and we went to the malll..then she slept over my house and we had some boys haha come over to chill..then yesterday me and her hung out all day..and walked around the neighborhood..then those boys came over again and we just hung out. today is easter and im like whoa finally a break from doing something. my g-ma is in town which is cool cuz i dont see her as much since she likes in washington county and all. but i have to say this has been an amazing spring break and im glad. i love it. oomg im like extremely happy. on a brighter note..ive met some new guys and become friends with them. and its all good. i guess you could say? im having ham for dinner tonight..and some more maccaroni salad and what not..its pretty cool. im in love with food and i got malt balls and my mom is giving me and my sister like 100 bucks to go shopping tomorrow along with our own money..its SWEET!! :-D well dinner will be ready soon..and i have some things to do HAPPY EASTER.

Holy shit like seriously..where has the time gone? i feel like everything is moving really fast, and things are changing really fast..and nothing can be taken slowly anymore..everything needs to get done immediately and im kind of sick of it. i want to go slow not extremely fast..seriously time needs to slow its self down..uh this week has been incredibly busy and tonight was the ONLY night i didn't have homework so i came home from track and completely nothing to do..so it was cool.. its saint patrick's day and im like 1% irish or something..who knows. but i wore like 1% today so it's all good. so i've been a bit crappy and bitchy lately and im not sure why. i just have been. something is going through me that is telling me to be a bitch to everybody i talk to or be extremely loud and not shut up. school is doing alot better, i feel like my grades are going up and its all good..it was a goal of mine. its not like they are bad but i wanted to bring them up to make myself feel better about it..if you know what i mean. uh i feel very icky like i need to who knows..not like dirty shower but i just feel icky. who knows.. i think i am going to go to bed now..but its so early but it feels good when i wake up in the morning. like seriously? yesterday i slept through one of my classes and today(since i went ot be early last night) i was like upbeat and really active which i guess is really good. i was looking at my one friend's entry about kids getting drunk and smoking at a young age(like second grade) and i totally agree..that will be how people will grow up to be..its just gotten worse over the years and nobody does a thing about it anymore. but hey okay. im out..im still in love with him.

i officially love this song..Best of Me..by The Starting Line. it's effing amazing and i've been playing it non-stop for like the past 10 min. it means alot and plus i love the band anyway so it's all good. i'm starting to get sick of this whole track thing after school..i'm not sure if i want to run, but then i get there and i want to. im not sure what's up with me..i'm just freaking retarded. yeah so anyway..i was grounded this past weekend which sucked. and i've like never had a whole weekend home to myself like where i didn't go out..it was a good thing but then again at the same time it was a bad thing. who knows..who cares? right..right. im drinking hot tea right now..it's really good cuz im freezing my butt of at the moment. and i am the one who wants to wear short sleeves to school tomorrow?! how cool am i? thank you very much. yeah so i haven't talked to him in a couple dayys. i bet everyone of the people that reads this is like wtf is this girl like obsessed, all she talks about is this guy. yeah i know and i apologize but it's really not my fault. blame it on my heart not me..aight?

omg i'm like never home on a friday night,and this is kind of weird because i am home..and doing nothing but talking on the phone and updating this. i haven't had a friday night off for like a while. i had plans but then my rents decided to like kind of ground me/well like the grounded my whole fam. which is me and my siblings. with kind of sucks..but i don't really care. i sit in my room on the phone and computer and thats about it. anyway i haven't talked to him in a long time, and i'm kind of upset about it. he was talking to me alot, like leaving me messages all the time. and now like im not sure whats going on. i want to hang out with him so we can talk about everything like in person, not just online cuz how do i know he just isn't saying something to me to make me happy..or whatever..i'm not sure anymore. im so in love it scares me. ive tried so hard to let him go, but i just can't do it..i've done so many things to try and do it..put him in the back of my mind and move on..but it's impossible to me..and i just..just..can't do it..im sick of running from my feelings, so basically im making it worse on myself and there is nothing i can do about it. next thing you want to hear..this week was pretty bad to me. i've been thinking to much lately which makes things seem down in the dumps for me. and i guess i needed this weekend kind of off..so i could clear my head of a ton of things. i've been going to bed really early too just so i can get enough sleep but i seem to wake up all the time in the night when i go to bed earlier ..instead of going to bed late and not waking up anytime in the middle of the night. im not sure what is better,cuz they both seem pretty interesting. i hope ya'll are having fun on your friday night..i know im not. but hey that's life and when your a teenager you don't always get your way.. love you..(())

Ok so last night i was thinking about a lot of things while i lay in bed trying to fall asleep. which didn't seem to happen for a while last night..i "went" to bed at like 9*30 but i'm not sure what time i actually fell asleep. who knows who cares. so with all of that..today at school i was in the WORST mood ever..i was a bitch and when people touched me i kind of got like the chills cuz i didnt want people touching me too much. but hey that's life..and thats how things are going to go. so yeah then i wanted to like cry all day..and im sick of feeling like that. but i couldn't cry cuz its school and i didnt want to cry cuz i ALWAYS cry and i shouldn't. but whatever..i hate high school. so that was like not fun and i cant breathe right now which sucks even more..my lungs are killing me..i hate running in like ice weather. but hey that's life..you got to deal with it. im talking to him right now..he just makes my days better. i would seriously die without him, he is my best friend, and he is there when i need him to be there. ah i miss hanging out with him..it really saddens me..he is just so much fun to be with and i love being in his arms..he..makes me feel safe. its the only time i do really feel safe..ah i miss it. so yeah boring but who gives a shit.

Ok so my last entry from sometime last week..i told you that i was going to let go...well...i cant do it. everytime i talk to him my feelings coem right back and i cant seem to stop falling for him. he means the world to me and it will never change. he asked me to hang out this weekend, instead of me asking him..but i was the one to cancel plans this time. cuz i was at a friends and it just didn't seem to work out..or little plan to go out to the movies or whatever. but its my fault this time..and he deserved it for all the times hes done it to me. but like i said i cant seem to let him go. it just doesnt work..ive said to myself ok let go its time to stop this and move on. but i just cant do it..im in love with him and its going to last for who knows how long. im sick of this but its how i feel and its never going to go away. this week was good.i didnt do much during school we had a snow day, 2 2hour delays and 2 full days of school..which both days i went home with my friend and chilled at her house. which was cool.omg we watched saw.and yeah i dont like the guy from that movie but hey thats just my opinion. so dont worry, go see it. if you like scary movies. eh its been a long day. i think im out. so im either heading to bed..or who knows what. i love you..

So i was talking to my friend like a couple days ago, and she helped me decide that it's time to let go. if he comes back to me..then i know it was love both ways, cuz i know i still love him. but it's been this way for a while now, and i just can't seem to take it anymore..so it's time to let go..i'll never forget it.. On a brighter note, this weekend i made a lot of money.. i would have to say the total was about 75 bucks. which i was happy to get! i love it cuz i get paid every week just for babysitting. and it's great. but track starts soon..so babysitting every week will be over for a while. but today school was cancelled..i got up and everything and then announce a two hour delay..then at about 8:16 the decided to cancel school..it was great. i made money again today..so it's all good. i'm getting to become up with a lot of money lately..spring shopping soon?? who knows..but i things are getting better, but i still have that pain..and i'm trying to get rid of it..but i doubt it was EVER go away. I'm not changing..i'm just starting over..

The truth hurts, and you need it to be shoved into your face. I was listening to this one song today, and it made me think of how truthful people are to me. Especially this guy..maybe he's just leading me on to get something or just to see how much i will do/or how deep my feelings really are to him to drop me dead. i'm not sure..i mean he's said he's had feelings for me, but that doesn't always mean he is lying to me to get me to be happy. i am not sure. But the truth is something you should want to hear everyday, not some fucked up lie or story tale that someone decides to throw at you. lies will bring you no-where..if you tell a lie because you are afraid of something, it's not going to do you any good because the fear is going to be deeper and deeper and you won't know what to do with it in the end. Don't run from the truth ever just because you don't want to hear it. To know the truth about yourself, you have to believe in yourself. Don't ever give up on yourself and always believe that you can do something no matter how hard/soft you are trying. Truth is a big part in life.. and it may bring a tear to your eye, but what would you rather hear...the truth that brings a tear..or a lie that draws a smile? It's your decision..your life..make the right decision..

I just wanted to thank everyone who partyed it up with me this weekend, and made it fun. Thank you 2 my girls who made my birthday the best day ever. I seriously don't know where i would be with you girls, simply amazing. i love yinz so much! Ah too much fun, and so many memories made..i love it. So as you can see, i had some fun and yes it was amazing..it got my mind out of the gutter..not thinking about him for a while. which i have to say felt pretty good, but i am supposed to hangout with him this weekend, which i hope works out, cuz i want to "chill" with him so bad..im sick of this. and ahh i love him. but on a brighter note..i got the best things for my birthday..and i love it. Valentine's day was ok..but like i said guys effing suck at times. so how about when you go to tell a guy the truth about himself he denys everything and is a freaking idiot..let me tell you ..i hate most of em'. but yeah. Thank you....everyone.