i will not be satisfied until i have health everywhere. a few days ago, i told joey i'd let him "have a few beers", as he's been asking. he says he won't get drunk or drink hard liquor; he doesn't want to be drunk, he does't like throwing up blood and cheating on me. he is happy about this, he thinks he'll be more chill with me. i don't fucking know. he hasn't drunk yet, but i'm nervous, really fucking nervous. i told him i'd drink too, and that made him happy, he thought it might help me be happy, he thinks i need to have more fun (i do have to have fun.) it's just.. drinking. i hate it. i hate alcohol. i hate hang overs. i hate how people get fucking retarded and do fucking retarded things. i hate how he did fucking retarded things. i used to have fun. i'll take it sloooowly.. maybe i can fit in with kids my own age if i start drinking again. his friend lauren is hoping to get me to try coke at iggy pop's show. so, hopefully, drinking will "save our relationship" fuck it. i'm on my period and eating healthy. fuck it. fuck it. funny, i was happy before i wrote this. it was nice.