I suppose I'm obligated to first mention that it's been over a year since I've written anything. You'd think that an exchange year would warrant a blog post or two, but no, not really. I didn't feel too inspired all year, though I did write a few things in the form of Facebook notes. Finland was okay. Kind of a solitary year, but lately I've been missing those few people who kept me company. That's pretty huge, considering I say I miss a lot of people, but I don't often feel it. Basically what I'm trying to say is that I can't listen to KT Tunstall without getting emo. Doesn't that seem... oxymoronic? Sort of. Clearly my English isn't what it used to be. However, my Spanish! Oh, my Spanish. I've moved to South Florida, and have lost my ability to tune out the language. Well, that's not entirely true, but I fear that it will be soon. That's not so bad though. My goal is fluency, and the people here know that, so they give me a hard time about switching back to English. I'm going to take this time to explain the question that all of you have been asking, and I've been avoiding: Why Florida? Well, besides the fact that my boyfriend and his entire awesome family live here, Florida's just nice. It reminds me of Mexico, a little too much, and I feel like I'm finally getting my way. If you know me at all, you'll know that all I had to say after returning from Mexico was "I wasn't done there. I need to go back." Basically, I had to leave just as I was getting comfortable with the language and the culture. Not just comfortable, but falling in love with it. It's been three years, maybe more, and I'm finally closer than I've ever been. But the weird thing is, here is fine. Palm trees, Spanish, and kiss-on-the-cheek greetings. South Florida has it all, and I don't need a passport to be here. That may not seem like a big deal, but I have a habit of losing passports. Daniel's family and friends are amazing, and every day I feel more comfortable around them. People here get a lot closer to each other than they do at home, and I love it. I feel like I've been in a bubble of personal space my whole life, and it's slowly beginning to turn that rainbow color before it finally explodes and frees me. Regardless, I have a ton of things to get in order here before I can sit back and enjoy the culture and amazing humidity. I'm not kidding, I really do love humidity. And hot weather. I can't get enough of the outdoors here. But that may have something to do with my computer being in the repair shop in Miami. Anyway, I need a home. I have a home. With an address. And a landlady, and a roommate sort of. I'd feel kind of wary posting the address here, so if you want it, talk to me, or check my Facebook. Please feel free to send me goodies, as I have about as many belongings as a homeless African child at the moment. The house is really a house, belonging to a woman named Robin. She lives alone and has two spare rooms, and I'm renting the smaller one. However, she's usually at her boyfriend's house, as well as the other roommate, so apparently, I'm renting an entire house in South Florida for $490/month. Pretty good deal, I think. I move in today, which is cool. I got some sheets and towels from WalMart the other day. And a loofah. But nothing else, due to monetary deficits. I've been staying at Daniel's while I get settled, but I had to be out by the 9th at the latest because his FINNISH exchange student is coming. As much as I detest the Finnish solitary attitude, Oona isn't like that. She's a happy, bubbly, cheerleader type. But not the kind who thinks she's better than you. I've met her twice when I lived in Finland. So I'm clearly pumped for her arrival. Wow, the 9th is tomorrow. Anyway, school! I'm going to be attending BCC, Broward Community College, or Broward COLLEGE as it is now known. This is an exciting topic, as my parents have agreed to pay my college tuition, and nothing else. I'm not complaining. Although, I am stuck paying the $35 registration fee... I don't quite understand that. I'm registered, but I have no classes. That might be a bad thing when I get stuck taking Math 1 on the Davie Campus, and then Introduction to Architecture in Ft Lauderdale five minutes later. Basically what I'm saying is that my classes are going to suck so much this semester, all because there was an issue with my online application in March, when I initially registered. To fix that error required a physical visit to the office from me, which clearly had to wait. But oh well, I'm in Florida! I love Florida. Step 3: Job. I've applied for my DREAM job. The other day, I made a silly little video, which apparently only I find funny, and while I was making it, I just kept commenting to Daniel about how much I absolutely love editing videos. Not being in them, or recording them, but just editing them when they're in my hands. Choosing the music and exactly when it cuts to make it look funny or witty or even professional. That is surely my kind of art. Anyway, a few days later, I was job-hunting online, after noticing that none of my retail electronics stores had called me back. I found a job opening at a place called Wannado City, an indoor children's park similar to the Schenectady Children's Museum, but huge and wealthier and with something like 200 different jobs you can choose to have. Anyway, the place looks pretty cool and I wanna go there, but I'm poor and I'd probably look awkward making pizzas with the six-year-olds who have real aspirations in the chef profession. I looked into the jobs available there, and audio/video technician caught my eye. Let me just paste the job description to show you how perfect it is: Skills/ Requirements QUALIFICATIONS Excellent communication skills. Good memorization and improv skills. Must be animated and must have FUN! Good people management skills. Multi-tasked oriented. Ability to read, analyze and interpret the scripts. Ability to respond to common inquiries or complaints from guests, external and internal. Effectively present information to our guests. Bi-lingual a plus. EDUCATION and/or EXPERIENCE Entry level video editor, and/or audio editor. Green/Blue screen experienced a plus. PC & Mac knowledge. Fast paced, guest service oriented environment. Drama or Acting experience a plus. Clearly, I applied as fast as I could, and quickly composed the following cover letter: Hi, my name is Ashley Carey, and I just moved to Southern Florida from upstate New York to begin my adult life and to attend college. I am currently seeking employment, and after exploring this job opening, I am absolutely positive that this position was made for me. Upon reading both your obligatory and optional specifications, I was immediately certain that I had made the right choice by looking into employment at Wannado City. I have always been a kid at heart, and with that attribute, I can identify with children very well. This, along with my life-long passion for video editing and technology, makes me very excited to have the chance to join the crew at Wannado City. I am very anxious to hear from you, and plan to stop by either today or tomorrow for more information, and perhaps to schedule an interview. Thank you very much for reviewing my resume, and I hope you'll find my vast experience with children, video technology, and theater experience to your liking. I always laugh at the things I write when I'm in a frenzy. And I was certainly in a frenzy. I was running around the room yelling to Daniel's cousins about how I'm going to get my dream job and be the happiest person alive, all while being able to pay my rent. I called, visited, and bothered them frequently to no avail. But yesterday, I called again, and finally talked to the HR department. - "Hi, my name is Ashley Carey, and I applied for the A/V Technician position. (After finally getting through the phone lines, I was suddenly at a loss for words, and had completely forgotten why I had called. Or maybe I never really knew why.) ... I was wondering... if the position was still available?" - "Yes, it is." - "Oh, um, okay, well, just checking... Wait! I was wondering if I could maybe perhaps schedule an interview... or something?" - "Oh, I'm sorry, but we'll have to call you for that if we're interested in scheduling an interview with you." - "Okay... bye." I hung up and explained the situation to Daniel, disappointed. But less than thirty seconds later, my phone rang. - "Hello, Ashley?" - "Yeah..." - "This is ... from the Human Resources department again. We'd like to schedule an interview with you." Apparently my unreasonable, persistent questions had an effect on the IT Manager, and he wants to interview me Tuesday morning. I am SO ready. I tried on my interview clothes last night, and just left them on all night, feeling professional. Okay, so, step 4: How to get to Wannado City, if I even get the job? Wannado City is located at Sawgrass Mills Mall, the largest mall in the state of Florida. But luckily, it's about 5.5 miles away from my house. So, I have no car, and absolutely no money to buy a car. I will be riding Daniel's bike to and from Sawgrass every single day until I scrape up about $1000, with which I will immediately purchase the cheapest car on craigslist. The good news is, I'll lose my exchange student weight, probably within the first week. I guess that's a good thing. There is one more thing I'd like to update about. I'm suing Apple Computers. Maybe. I know it would be futile, and I would lose, but they just shouldn't be able to bully people like they do. I don't want to get into it, but basically, my screen broke, I didn't do it, and Apple won't fix it. I know it sounds pretty unbelievable, but it actually did "just happen." And it's happened to thousands of other people I've found on the internet as well. I'm trying to settle the issue with the Better Business Bureau, but if that doesn't work, I don't know. I really just want Steve Jobs to see how much wrath can come from such a small girl. Here's the case if you want to read it. It would be nice if that worked out, so I wouldn't have to face the destruction of Apple's bestlawyersintheworld.

Life is going well. I have a job at McDonald's, which, as much as I hate wasting my time there, becomes a little more bearable every day, the better I get to know my coworkers. I hope I remember when I join the workforce that work is only as fun as the people you work with. I leave for Finland on August 4th. My guarantee form is finally in the mail, and I should find out tomorrow or Tuesday where I'll be staying, and with whom. I'm feeling nervous and unprepared. I felt excessively prepared a few months ago, but life here in Amsterdam has gotten progressively better since then. Regardless, life moves on, and I must move on with it. I felt that I should update at least a little for my own personal records. I am not feeling particularly creative with my writing style at the present time. I attended a party last night, and got very little sleep as a result. It was nothing to regret, however. One such gathering per year is nothing to worry about. Note: I predict the amount of this type of event to rise dramatically upon my residence in Finland.

God, I really hope life gets better soon. -I have bedbugs in my house. More specifically, I have bedbugs in my bed. My legs and back are filled with perfectly round red circles that itch like nothing I've ever felt before. Because of this, I no longer have a bed, or a room. I sleep on the couch in the family room, but it's only a matter of time until they find me again, and we'll have to burn the house down. My mom plans on getting rid of everything in my room. She was going to anyway, before the bugs showed up, because she "would never subject the poor foreign exchange student to such hazardous living conditions." I guess it doesn't matter that it's been fine for me for years. If you've ever heard anything about bedbugs, you know that they don't go away. They just don't. They're God's little permanent markers. -I went to the dentist this morning. She wanted to take x-rays before doing anything else, so she put the little white cards in my mouth about thirty times. Each time, I held completely still, ignoring the severe pain that this was causing me, because my mouth is ten sizes too small, and the sides of the cards were shredding my gums. I didn't want her to give me any kind of numbing medication, so I pretended I didn't feel anything. It was a bloody, painful mess, but it was better than having a numb mouth. She discovered a cavity, which I was well aware of because of the pain it's been causing me lately. The x-rays came out, and together, we learned that my twelve-year molars have been trying to surface for the past two years, and they've just recently given up. The dentist ordered a few consultations, and I am to have my wisdom teeth, and FOUR fully visible teeth removed, to address my bottom crowding. I am going to look completely disgusting for months until my teeth grow together. Sadly, this aesthetic misfortune is among the least of my worries. -I am going to fail AP English, and consequentially, fail high school, and not be allowed to go to Finland in July. This one is my fault. While everyone else was reading The Picture of Dorian Gray over spring break, I... wasn't. Monday, we had an essay due about a character that I was just introduced to today, in the dentist's waiting room. I am in completely over my head. There are lots of other things happening that I'm not at liberty to discuss in a fully-google-searchable diary entry, but it will suffice to say that I could be in a lot of trouble over the next few weeks, depending on how perceptive certain people will be. I have this persistent feeling that my entire life's happenings are all determined by luck lately, and judging by my current luck, I am going to get hit by a truck and die tomorrow on my way to pick up my reserved copy of Pokemon Pearl.

Tonight was fantastic. I saw the big dipper for the first time, and Orion's belt. It feels like summer again, and I am content with the world. Fun nights with friends make everything better. Plus ice cream, that's mighty good too. This is the most important summer of our lives. It could be the last summer we ever have together. Let's combine all the summers of the past, and have more fun than that.

In the event of a terrible, irreversible mistake being made, what can be done to recover and continue living? To live seemingly unaffected would be a lie, but it would certainly make things easier. It often happens that one is given valuable advice by a caring friend, but that advice goes unheeded, and the ungrateful friend of that friend lives hedonistically, saving the expression of the resulting grief for another day. Naturally, the advice should have been followed, and both parties knew that all along. The mistake was not in the value, or lack thereof, understood by the listener, but rather in the execution of the self-destructing acts. I've often thought that moving away would solve all of my problems, but I've more often heard that your problems are a result of personal flaws, and they follow you wherever you go. That's more easily believable, unfortunately. In order for one to improve a personal flaw, it is obvious that they must find each one, examine it specifically, and find a way to adjust it, to make life more easily livable. It does sound easy, once the theory is discovered, but I've learned that it's one of the hardest things anyone will ever do. However, it depends on the flaw. Some flaws are with you since birth, and they've always been a part of you. Those, I will almost guarantee, will never really change. Some flaws, though, are due to experiences from the past, and can be overcome with the right techniques. Until I learn those techniques, I will feel this way. I'd imagine that bettering yourself takes a certain amount of self-esteem and confidence. Until I can learn how to regard myself in high, or even average esteem, I will feel this way. Until I learn that I am worth something, I will feel this way. I hate myself because of the choices I've made. They are no one else's fault but my own. I chose to think the way I did, every time I've ever thought. No one else can accept blame for that. Hating yourself doesn't always make you a depressed bundle of suicidal-tendencies, though. I don't hide anything in everyday life, and I don't put on an especially happy facade. Everyone hates themselves a little bit, but I fear I may just a little more than is normal. It is possible to hate yourself and still function undetected in society, as I have proven. Writing helps, and I haven't in a long while. Reading always inspires me to write, just as watching a movie inspires me to be someone else. I wish I still had the French horn. I suppose I'm lacking outlets, but that, too, is my own fault.

-Learn four different languages, written and spoken, fluently. -Travel to every country in the world, and live in my favorite. -Design a popular console for Nintendo. -Invent numerous clever gadgets to make life easier for people - electronic or otherwise. -Create a website with popular forums. -Beat WC3 -Release a single album that I alone produce independently. Probably comedy. -Be a stand-up comedian for a very short time. -Be a part of a sketch-comedy cast. -Live in an apartment complex in NYC while working a menial job. -Have amazingly intelligent children, and bask in my glorious limelight brought about by numerous close-ups of me on television as the mother of the smartest children in the world. -Marry a nice guy, somewhere in there.

No words can describe The rage that I felt As I watched, and half-listened My heart sprung a welt. My pulse increased Blood shot through my veins These small irritations Brood immeasurable pains. Never before had I felt such a feeling The way I reacted was in no way appealing. I tried to ignore, and I oft looked away But the harder I tried, the more words were to say. Calm down, deep breaths, count backwards from ten But the volume increased, and I heard them again. Never before have I pictured a knife Leaving my hands to end someone's life I've heard it before, but now it rang true Some people are daft, and don't think what they do. With nowhere to go, I took my breaths deeper No luck, I've gone mad, I wish for the reaper. These moments of silence inside of my mind Are hastening the process of my sanity's decline. Not one person realized, how close to the edge- I must find an exit, I jump from the ledge. I land on my feet, sense incredible heat My heart, it is racing - My person, beat. I surrender, I give, you may say what you will. I'm done with this game, as we've all had our fill. Will the days brighten? They're so bright they burn! I'm no longer with you, for a lesson I've learned.

I have Scarlet Fever. Look it up. It's still around. Basically, it's strep throat accompanied by a rash, which in my case, is a small, hardly noticeable facial rash on my left cheek. This morning, I woke up at 2:30 am. I was being jerked awake by a sharp pain in my throat every time I swallowed, approximately every three minutes. I finally gave up on sleeping, and walked around the house until 4:30, when I was finally tired enough to sleep through the pain. I awoke again at 9:00. The pain was again too unbearable to continue sleeping. I went downstairs and felt compelled to take a bubble bath, though I didn't really want to. I did anyway, for about twenty minutes. I dressed in pajamas and moped around the house, looking for something to occupy my mind. I must have watched The Car Show three or four times before I went on the computer to check my email over and over again. At 1, I got dressed for my doctor's appointment. At 1:30, I left for the doctor, who prescribed these wonderful little antibiotic pills whose side effects include, but are not limited to, nausea and vomiting (what do you know, both symptoms of strep), lower abdominal pain (another symptom of strep), headaches, and diarrhea (yes, and yes.) However, the most ironic side effect? Irritation of throat. At 2:18, I told the doctor I had to go, and ran out of his office. At 2:22, we left for the high school. I made it there at exactly 2:25, and ran inside. I got on the bus, forged a permission slip, and found a seat, all the while feeling terribly physically ill. I'd decided it would be worth the arousal of my weakened immune system to assist my team in a meeting of the minds. Who knew, perhaps I could be of some assistance to my team. We arrived at the school, and after much studying, and even more waiting, the first varsity match began. I was aware that I would not be starting this time, as I had last time. I watched my teammates, and admitted that I would have known close to no answers in the first round. Second round: substitutes. Katya and I weren't chosen, but that was okay, because we had another game to play later. I was, however, slightly perturbed that I had known many of the answers this round, but couldn't answer. Later came: second game. Starters were the same. I began to feel my medicine wear off. Unbearable throat pain. I tried to contain my reactions. I was sick, but especially eager. I couldn't wait to go in. I was ready. Second round: substitutes. One, Katya. Only one? I was still eager, but eager for nothing. Our team won, and that was great, but it was over. I had made this difficult trip in vain, and I felt sicker than ever. I regretted everything. Afterward, team captain Alex offered his condolences, and offered to talk to the coaches. I told him not to. They did this for a reason. It was now obvious that in their eyes, I was incapable of bringing any aid to the team. Clearly, I should have stayed home today. The bus ride home was otherworldly. My music was blasted all the way, and I had blocked out the world around me. It seemed like the obvious thing to do. Had I spoken to anyone, every situation would have only been made worse. So I ignored everyone. Rude? Of course it was. Necessary? In my opinion, absolutely. I needed time alone, even if I couldn't physically be alone. Could a bystander have reason to be upset? Reason enough, I suppose, if perhaps humans weren't in fact born with the distinct need to be confined from other people every so often. But they are. And I did. I extend my apologies to anyone who may have been offended by my silence, but in all sincerity, there was nothing more necessary for me at the time. I couldn't hear anyone around me, and that's how I wanted it. Asking to be left alone in a time of emotional and physical despondency seems quite reasonable to me. Time alone is something I have desperately been craving for nearly half a year. In fact, I can honestly say that I currently know nothing of myself or my own tendencies anymore. I have no idea what I'm good or bad at, like or dislike, or what others think of me. I don't even know what kind of music I like anymore. Like an old friend you've gradually lost contact with over time, I've completely forgotten who I am. Over the past year, I've lost friends and made enemies for the first time in my life. That's not who I am. I don't create, or even participate in such situations. But lately, I have been. Maybe I've been acting cocky. Perhaps too lazy to do nice things for people, like I used to. I don't know, because I haven't been myself lately. All I know is that I'm not this person, and I don't know why I've been acting this way. I'm not Ashley Carey, the girl who insults or chastises people, or does something she knows is wrong for her own personal enjoyment. I'm not the girl who treats people unkindly for little or no reason, or who ignores people she doesn't think have anything important enough to say, or who gets offended and lashes out about stupid little jokes. Or who does incredibly rude things so she won't have to face confrontation. That's not who I am, and I don't know how I became this way. I'm Ashley Carey, 80% friendly class clown, who likes making a fool out of herself just to make people laugh. I sincerely apologize to everyone and anyone I have insulted or hurt, even a little bit, in the past. Anyone with whom I've been on unfriendly grounds with. This apology includes, but is not limited to, the following people: To -Joseph Stark, for needlessly insulting you and your driving capabilities, completely unprecedented, and for ignoring you many times over aim. -Earl Bellinger, for all the emotional pain, suffering, and confusion I've ever put you through. It was my fault. Don't argue. -Heather Monge, for leaving your birthday party early with friends without even having the decency to let you know I was going. -Katie Sprouse and Matt Kryzak, for abandoning you the day I quit band, without even telling either of you. -Rachel Adams -Rich Sweet -Carlos Izquierdo -Erick Romero -Dom Dickerson and anyone else I've ever made feel bad in the past, for whatever reason. I'm sorry. I really don't know what I was thinking, but that's not how I am. In eighth grade, my home and careers teacher told my mother that I had a "good moral compass." I suppose I kept it for a few years after that, but it just seemed to deteriorate this year. I hope I can become a better person, now that I've realized what's wrong with me. Now, please excuse me as I attempt to sort things out.

Let's see, the summer so far has gone something like this: June- -Earl and I finally admitted our undying love for one another. Raise your hand if you called it. -Everyone basically hung out at my house, on my street, in my hood. Earl had long hair. -Jacobo came at the very end of June. We were bffs after two days. July- -Earl finally got his hair cut! I was more pleased than you could ever imagine. On July 18th-19th, we went to NYC with the Spanish kids. I'm pretty sure if you turn my face on its side, it will actually say "XD" -Jacobo hates getting his picture taken, so we had to surprise him. -The Secret's out. I wear deodorant while in large cities. -Central Park =) -Empire State. -ESPN Cafe. We never made it upstairs. =( -Fixed my computer/burned a sock at Earl's. I spent the majority of July sleeping on Earl's bed and trying on his belongings. There Ben.

I hereby declare this summer the summer of unfamiliarity. People are so much cooler when you hardly know them, sometimes.

Well, I actually joined track this year. And I love it. I never expected that constant running would be a thing I was into, but it really is. I've been running on the weekend too, just so I won't get lazy. Florida was so great. I don't mind admitting that I fell victim to Disney's capitalist plot to take over the world, because I had a fantastic time doing it. I've been making tentative plans to return to Mexico for spring break, but that's only an option if I get the job at Crystal. I think I will. It will just take a little time. I've decided to sacrifice my social time, which I couldn't live without a few months ago, to spend it washing dishes or answering phones, or whatever crap they'll make me do, for a few extra bucks. Hopefully, with that money, I can go to Mexico and Florida in July. And then, of course, California in August with Adam. I am just a traveling machine this year. Kind of weird, because I haven't gone anywhere before this year, and now I'm getting on a plane every other week. Drama is kind of different this year. I don't know why, but Ben thinks so too. It's just, slightly less fun or something. Perhaps it's the roles we got, but I don't know. I think it might be related to the absence of last year's seniors, and how they were replaced with the new freshman, but mostly sophomores. Mmm. Well, tomorrow, I will seroiusly attempt to apply for Crystal Bar, and after that, I don't expect to have any more free time. But it might be worth it. I really hope so.

I wish I was still in Mexico. I still am in my mind. And I think I will be for a while. People need to stop being so chido so leaving will be easier. I don't want to go to school tomorrow. The only school I want to go to is Heroes. With the outdoor hallways and the futbol at lunch and gym class, and eating lunch outside, and learning Mexican slang from Luis, and learning how to use MSN Messenger from Rorro, and getting lost in Coyoacan center by myself for two hours, and Mrs Foote contacting the International Police and posting pictures of my passport all over the city, and finding 1/3 of the school looking for me because they thought I was dead, and going to/trying to go to night clubs, and almost watching Miguel get wasted, and listening to reggaeton in Carlos' car, and watching futbol games at Aztec Stadium, and getting Vania and her family lost while we're at Perisur, and learning about American history from Atreyu, and watching Erick pimp everyone's cell phone, and pesos, and fruit vendors, and lemon-tinted hikama with chile, and crispy tacos from Carlos' maid, and practicing Spanish, and laughing at peoples' bad English, and learning from Ashanty how to avoid Nacos, and "My Humps" at the mall, and being on the good pool team every time, and saying "No, thank you" when people ask me if I'm a visitor or for the time, and "watching" the Matrix... And those were just the last three days. The best three days of the trip, yo creo.

Tomorrow.

I am indeed ornery. But dispite my orneriness, I've somehow adopted a decent amount of contentedness. Dave woke up. That is so amazingly cool. I came into school at roughly 11:40 today. For the rest of the day, I had the feeling that everyone had turned against me, so I started asking people if something happened this morning that I wasn't aware of. No one really heard me ask. Well, there it is. In a lot of my classes, it just seemed that people didn't have any interest in associating with me. I decided to go to the media center during gym, with a pass of course, to finally type the Key Club letters. Upon entrance, I saw Amanda and Katie Reksc, and ran over and asked why everyone hated me. We began to talk, and I was promptly kicked out of the media center. Within 30 seconds of my arrival. I didn't ask questions, I just left. I came out and turned the corner, and I saw Ali. I told her of my dilemma, and she invited me to Mrs. Delorme's room. I went, and typed both letters. I didn't bother to save them, but instead, sent them to be printed. They didn't print. So instead, I just sat down and talked to Ali about lots of things. That was nice. I ended up being late for Kaufman's class. Don't even ask. After school, my grandma told me she would be a while, so Alex invited me to Knuckle's Gang rehearsal. I went, and played the part of the mechanic. It was tedious work, and the lines were practically impossible, but somehow, I managed to pull it off. Mr. Nelson hates females, so I wasn't actually awarded the part of mechanic. But in my mind, I was. Apparently, my grandma came and left, and I missed her, so I stayed for the rest of rehearsal. People have been acting rather shady lately. I would assume I'm just a victim of paranoia, but I'm not really sure anymore. Anyway, if I've been especially annoying or doltish lately, it is because I am indeed going insane, and I hope you can forgive me. And bear with me. Things are just too much to handle lately. I've officially given up on trying to control anything. It just never works. So, if anyone wants to hit me or call me names, I'm right here, being apathetic. Enjoy it.

All county was cool. Had some fun. Sang some songs. Ate some nachos. Doing an outline. Lots of homework. Too much to save til Sunday. Yup. See ya.

So I guess MY survey didn't catch on. Looks like I'll have to take this one to be cool. ..100 THINGS.... 1* First grade teacher's name: Mrs. Hanson 2* Last word you said: Guess 3* Last song you sang: A Taste of Honey 4* Last person you hugged: Don't know 5* Last thing you laughed at?: People 6* Last time you said "I'm in love with you"?: The last time I sang "Do You Want To Know A Secret?" Duh. 7* Last time you cried?: Today when I got beat up. *PRESENT* 9*What color socks are you wearing: White 10* What's under your bed: Creatures of the deep. And probably Amadeus. 11* What time did you wake up today: Eight 12* Current taste: Peaches 13* Current hair: I have some 15* Current annoyance: People 16* Current longing: To be able to focus and pass the math regents, and to be more tolerant toward people. 17* Current desktop background: Katya, Amanda, and me being multicultural. 18* Current worry: Math A 19* Current Hate: Myself 20* Current favorite outfit: Shirt and pants 21* Favorite CD: One I made 22* Best friend in elementary school: Depends on which elementary school. I had a different one for every six months. 23* Favorite Russian Hockey player: Viacheslav Fetisov 24* Lucky number: Who does that 25* Do you like it when they randomly leave questions off of surveys like this? Yes. 26* If you could play an instrument, what would it be: Cello 27* Favorite color(s): Brown, Beige 28* Do you believe in an afterlife: Yes 29* How tall are you: 5'4" 30* Current favorite word/saying: I like to make noises with my mouth. That must count for something. 31* Favorite book: The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime 32* Favorite season: Summer 33* One person from your past you wish you could go back and talk to: Tons of people. 34* What would you do if you woke up and found out you were on cocaine? Go buy some. That stuff's addicting. *FUTURE* 35* Where do you want to go for college?: Germany, or maybe in northeastern US 36* What is your career going to be like: How would I know? 37* How many kids do you want: 2 38* Thing about the future that scares you most throughly? The apocolypse. I'm a typical fat, stupid American, okay? *HAVE YOU EVER...* 39* Said "I love you" and meant it: Yup 40* Gotten in a fight with your dog/cat/bird/fish: Of course 41* Been to New York City? Uh huh 42* Been to Florida: No, but going in March 43* Been to California: Yess and going back in August 44* Been to Hawaii: No 45* Been to Mexico: Going in February 46* Been to China: Negative 48* Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day: Yes. I'm sorry, grandma. 52* Do you have a crush on someone: Who cares 53* What book are you reading now?: The Scarlet Letter, Prep, The DaVinci Code. I know we finished the Scarlet Letter. But I didn't. 54* Worst feeling in the world: Isolation in any manifestation 55* What is the first thing you think when you wake in the morning: I practically have a heart attack and assume I slept late. Because I always do. 56* How many rings before you answer: Who cares? 57* Future daughter's name: Why don't you ask her. 58* Future son's name: Phineas. Without a doubt. 59* Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: No 60* If you could have any job you wanted: Test and fix computer software. Mmm. 61* Wish you were: Satisfied. 62* Future College plans: I honestly have no clue. 63* Piercings? Yes. 64* Do you do drugs: Millions of prescription drugs, but no narcotics for me. 65* What kind of Shampoo and Conditioner do you use? Pantene 66* What are you most scared of? Isolation 67* What clothes do you sleep in? Whatever I wore that day. That's not disgusting. It's sensible. 68* Who is the last person that called you: Frank 69* Where do you want to get married: Who said I even wanted to get married? 70* If you could change anything about yourself what would that be: My intolerance for other peoples' faults. 71* Who do you really hate: I hate no one. But boy, oh boy... 72* Are you timely or always late: Either or 73* Do you have a job: Not currently 74* Do you like being around people: I'm socially dependent. That can be very bad. 75* Best feeling in the world? Satisfaction 76* Are you for world peace: Kind of 77* Are you a health freak: Why, I'm not a freak at all. 78* Do you have a "type" of person you always go after: Fine. Yes. I do. 79* Do you want someone you don't have? Maybe a little, regrettably. 80* Are you lonely right now? No, I'm happy to be alone right now. Just me and my computer. 81* Ever afraid you'll never get married? Not afraid. Just curious. 82* Do you want to get married: Thereee we go. I probably will. I mean, it's the right thing to do. But I might kill myself if I'm stuck to anyone for the rest of my life. 83* If question number 83 were here what would it say? Are you gay? If so, explain. *IN THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU...* 84* Cried: Yes 85* Bought Something: Yes 86* Gotten Sick: I've been sick 87* Sang: Yes 88* Said I Love You: Yes, actually, in the context "I love you so much I could just kill you." 89* Wanted To Tell Someone You Liked them: If I wanted to, what would be stopping me? 90* Met Someone? I don't recall meeting anyone, but I probably did. 91* Moved On: No 92* Talked To Someone: Yes 93* Had A Serious Talk: Not especially serious. 94* Missed Someone: No 95* Hugged Someone: I don't know. I've been hugged... ? 96* Yelled at Someone: Ohh yes. 97* Dreamed About Someone You Can't Be with: Umm, no. 98* Kissed someone: Not really 99* Have you ever been heartbroken: Yes 100* Do you like the way things are with life right now?: Could be better. But that's probably just my awfully bad mood talking.

1. What is your middle name Marie 2. How big is ur bed? Futon 3. What are you listening to right now? Pas/Cal 4. How many cars have you owned in your lifetime? Two. Now how many of the two I've driven is a different story... 5. What was the last thing you ate? Ham and cheese omlet at Cronie's. 6. Last person you hugged? Richard in his drunken stupor at the bowling alley, I think. 7. How many hours of sleep do you average per night? 7-8 8. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? Katya 9. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Eyebrows 10. Favorite type of Food? Carbs carbs carbs. 11. Do you want children? Yup 12. Do you drink? Negative 13. Ever been so drunk you don't remember the entire night? I don't rememember. Haha, no. Not from mind-altering liquids, anyway. 14. Hair color? Dirty blondish 15. Eye color? Blue/gray 16. Do you wear contacts? Yup 17. Favorite holiday? Yom Kippur 18. Favorite Season? Winter when it's summer, summer when it's winter. No, I take it back. Summer. 19. Have you ever cried for no reason? Probably. 20. Last movie you Watched? High School Musical 29. What books are you reading? The Scarlet Letter, Prep, The DaVinci Code 30. Piercings? Two 31. Favorite 3 movies? Amadeus, A Beautiful Mind, Love Actually 32. Favorite Pro basketball Team? Nets 33. What were you doing before filling this out? Playing piano. 34. Do you own any pets? 7 cats, a dog, various fish 35. Do you chat with other people online? Of course. 37. Dogs or cats? Cats 38. Favorite Flower? Rose 39. Have you ever been caught doing something you weren't supposed to? Naturally. 40. Have you ever loved someone? Yup 41. Who would you like to see right now? Abraham Lincoln 42. Are you still friends with your ex? Absolutely 43. Have you ever fired a gun? Sure 44. Do you like to travel by plane? Yesss 45. Right-handed or Left-handed? Right 46. If you could be with someone right now who would it be? Abraham Lincoln. I just said that. 47. How many pillows do you sleep with? Roughly 5 48. Are you missing someone? Not particularly 49. Do you have a tattoo? Millions. 50. Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings? My Saturday mornings are filled to the brim with piano lessons, voice lessons, choir rehearsals, gym visits, set days, and everything else you can think of.

"you don't go to highschool to find your husband , you go to find your bridesmaids" Weird. I thought it was for learning. Anyway, change is the word of the month. And I fear it may become the word of the year. It's not that I don't like change. It can be cool. Convenient, even. But right about now, I'm approaching the part of my life where I'm finally becoming accustomed to where I am. It took a long time, and now it's all changing again. It's probably not bad. Well, it isn't bad. But I'm just difficult and stubborn. My grandpa is moving out. I know I complained about him a lot, but I was actually getting used to him and talking to him more. He's moving a block away. I'm a little pathetic. =/ My grandparents from Galway are selling the log cabin that my father helped build to move in with my grandpa a block away in a four family apartment. Along with them, my uncle and aunt are moving in with them with their baby, and I'm probably going to end up babysitting a lot. That probably wouldn't be bad. I don't mind babysitting, and money is nice too. The musical is starting. A lot of people I didn't expect to have tried out. That's really exciting. I auditioned yesterday. Don't ask how I did, though. There's really no way to know. I signed up for track. That will probably backfire in more ways than one. Drama, asthma, laziness, past experience. I am not to be trusted. I can think of at least three other things that are rapidly changing in every way, and that's just me. Billions of other things are changing all around the world constantly. I feel selfish when I write just about me and what's going on in my life, and it's probably really boring for anyone but me to read, but sometimes it's better to write something down. Okay, that was a poor excuse. I have a longhand journal, I just don't use it much anymore. "I watch the ripples change their size But never leave the stream Of warm impermanence So the days float through my eyes But still the days seem the same And these children that you spit on As they try to change their worlds Are immune to your consultations They're quite aware of what they're going through." You said it, Bowie. Gahhh. I really didn't do it. And I don't know what I'm going to do. Perhaps I'll do nothing. Then it can't possibly be my fault. But somehow, it will anyway. I simply didn't do it. My math homework, I mean. Haha, not really.

Last year, Clara and I had this plan we called the "Incentive Plan." Remember, Clara? We made sure we had something to look forward to every day before school, so we could enjoy being there. Well, it turns out the same idea seems to apply for happiness in general. You can't be happy if the only thing you have to look forward to is something that is less than ideal. I mean, truly happy. That explains love, hope, bliss, everything! It's all about initiative. You either have it, or you don't. But in order to have a good enough incentive, you have to find one. It won't just come to you. You have to think about it, and choose a good one. A worthy ambition. Then happiness will come. And another thing. If you have something you wanted, whether you worked for it or not; whether you believed you would get it or not... please don't take it for granted. If you want to keep it, appreciate it, or it will make things worse rather than better. "Whatever" attitudes are fun to laugh at, but they're no good. If you have something, anything, know whether you want it or not. Because there just may be people that don't have anything close to that, but want it, and it's not fair for them to have to see it being taken for granted. And one last thing... We have abosolutely nothing to lose. =)

An excerpt from the most recent private entry... the only paragraph I'll allow the release of to the public: 2005 was too embarassing to recall. I suffered the loss of my dear appendix, and my favorite cat. In 2006, I am going to Mexico and California. Clara will come home. We will be seniors. I predict that everyone will date everyone else, and things will be crazy. I won't even attempt to guess.