""Imagine, if you will, getting sent to a job where a 15 year old boy is threatening suicide. You turn up at the address and discover that it is a care home. Meeting with one of his carers she hands you a list of the boy's medications and it reads like a 'Who's who' of psychiatric drugs. You talk to the boy, and he seems calm, collected and very polite. He explains that he wants to jump out of a window and kill himself, and agrees that he would like to go to hospital. You take him into the paediatric department of a local hospital. As this does not feel like the normal "Teenager wants to kill themselves" you have a chat with the children's nurse and you ask them to let you know what happens to the patient. You leave, and continue with your shift. The next day you ask the children's nurse about the patient and she tells you - "The boy wanted to die because he wants to have sex with, and kill small children - and that he knows that it is wrong". I hate paedophiles as much as any other member of society - but in front of me that day, I saw a victim. "" - By the parramedic who picked the boy up that day. Personaly i found this extreamly interesting. I agree with the parramedic and i too look at this young man as a victim. He knows what he is thinking is wrong and he loaths himself for it. What if he gives into his desires one day? What if he goes out, rapes a child and kills them. The world in turn will loath him and wish him dead with him. Humans are very strange creatures. Facinating non the less. I just feel such pitty for this young man because you cannot so easily switch off these thoughts. Now adays people have a hard enough time dealing with shizophrenia (cant spell i know) even with medication. It just makes you think really. Its hard to know who to side with. Yeah and btw, i know i have NOT updated this in like forever but thats because i have mark here and i have better things to amuse me now. I will proberly be keeping my journal on the laptop now anyways. Thank you xxxxx

Current Weight: 14st 7 Oh yeah! go me!! *does a dance* woot!!!! This is just a random entry because im chuffed with myself. Mwhahahahahaha Mark is moving in on monday! Which is really really cool :D Very busy at the moment! much love xxxx

Current Weight : 14st 9 Wow! well thats surprising! Ok scales must be wrong or something but that cant be possible can it?! loosing 2 pounds in a day??? Hmm... i will double check tomorrow morning. Im not as sore as i thought i would be! I have slightly sore calf's but thats it. Im at work just now and i have to take calls on my own which is unbelivibly scary!!! I dont know what they are talking about half the time! I can barely understand them. Im tired :( i want to go home! I dont think my email at work is working either which SUCKS, so if mark if your reading this txt me to see if you can think of another way to talk.

Ok right so i am on my healthy eating track now and im deturmined to stick too it! though im feeling i might slip up at work which worries me. Im wearing my weights and i have been excersising, not much but thats cause im uber unfit. I will work up to more (plus im very tired from staying up all night as my sleeping patterns are messed up). So I am going to post my weight on here for all to see as i progress. People seeing it and seeing my process will give me much more motivation. I WILL loose this weight. So! CURRENT WEIGHT = 14st 11 pounds. I feel like im betraying whole of woman kind by doing that lol. Grr i excersised after eating now my tummy is all funny >.< Silly! rule number one! dont excersise after eating!! Will keep this updated.

God i absolutly loath myself. From my going bald head to my horrible feet. There is NOTHING i like about myself except my eyes which show who i am but no one even knows that. Im going to have fucking denchers before im 25. Fact. Im going to be bald by the time im 21. Im going to proberly be in a grave when im 30. I cannot stand myself. I loath myself, i have no will power to stop myself from even fucking dying. I just want to curl up in my room and wish it all away. I cant do anything, im such a failure. AND DONT ANY OF YOU DARE SAY IM NOT. None of you know truely how much pain this is causing me. To see your mother cry over it because there is nothing she can do to help. I want so badly for someone to be able to make me better but there is no way, there is only me who can do it. I cant even do it. I have tried so hard. There is no way out. I see no way out. I need help

I havent updated in so very very long! Its quite crazy. Right well...hmm...lets see...there isnt much new really. Mark is moving up in a couple of weeks time. Im quite excited. He knows we are not rushing things though. I do not want everything rushed, he knows we are still appart and not to put pressure on me. I am feeling very very withdrawn just now. I dont really wish to speak to many people and just want to go walking and kind of leave the world behind. Its nice when i do that. Its dads birthday tomorrow. Havent gotten him anything cause he NEVER tells me what he wants and anything i do get him he doesnt like so if he likes anything i will buy it for him. Simple as. Same goes for fathers day. As for the healthy thing its not working, and im really starting to loath my body. So instead of starving myself, which i have to admit i did concider it, i am going to force feed myself good food. Even if i dont like it and even if it makes me sick, im going to continue to do it untill i like it. To my friends whom concider me a friend: In reguards to this topic PLEASE help me with it. If you see me eating junk food i want you to take it off me, no matter what i say and no matter my excuse. Drag me away from the place if you need too. I also need help with excersise, so if anyone is willing to go walking and cycling with me AND to the gym please help. My health is really scaring me. People see me as always happy but 99% of the time im upset or if im out and about with my fake smile on im thinking "i wont be here soon. I will miss all this and yet no matter how hard i try i cant change it" it hurts so much. I hate myself so much. I am trying so hard to change. Change takes money. vitamins healthy food gym moneymoneymoneymoneymoney. Someone save me.

Well the week i decide to start my cycling...it rains...and rains...and rains some more!!! Not only that but i have been binge eating cause i have been stressed all week and then bought loads of junk food today cause im so hungover after getting trashed last night (which also didnt help) Oh well then... Im trying to find out how i can get the implant. Its irritating cause i have been trying to get it for months and months and i only have like 2 days left to get it which is so frustraiting!! Doing bloody day shift next week then my shifts are all different to joe's which suck :( Im worried that i cant do it, i havent got a clue what im doing. Had a good night last night mind you. Adam, Joe and Lisa all got stoned and trashed while i just got trashed. It was quite funny, we all had a good laugh and ended with adam falling asleep on my shoulder then on the floor lol. Ah well! Joe is so giggely when hes stoned its funny!! We have all made plans to go to Amsterdam at some point either august or sept. I am so excited!!! I so hope we get to go :D xxxxxx

..I got the new job, I got to know new friends, I basicaly got a new life. Now i have compleately flipped over and gone so emo its pathetic. I cant even look in the mirror at myself. Now when i have make up on SOMETIMES i think im pretty if i dont look for more than a few seconds, any longer and i start picking out imperfections in myself. DONT message me saying "oh but your so lovely etc" i dont care if you think that (it sounds harsh but i dont) what matters is *I* dont think it. I REALLY need to loose some weight because no matter what anyone says i am overweight and its just a fucking fact. Im not trying to get compliments i NEED to loose weight. I need to get healthy and being thin would make me so much more confident in myself. It doesnt help the fact that i hang out with guys at work...((huh...i just realised im the only fucking girl in the whole team...the other one was late 40's and quit recently)) The guys treat me as one of the guys. So i get to hear them point out every imperfection that girls have. Dont bother telling me "all guys dont think like that". EVERYONE thinks like that. You have all done it, looked at someone and gone "omg look at her/him..." Its simple fact that everyone does it, the fact that i have been bullied all my life for my weight doesnt help at all. People used to slag me off and push me round all the time even after i finished fucking high school! Problem is not only am I a vegitarian, i am adicted to sugar. Sugar has been proven to be as bad as herroin to try and quit and with me, it relly is that bad. I have to cause pain to myself to stop myself going and raiding the cuboards and everything (no i dont cut thats pathetic i mean just a nip or something) Or i have to get out the house. Now because im adicted to sugar anything else that isnt junk food...i can barely put in my mouth. I automaticly hate it and it makes me gag. Im trying to work on this but its done nothing so far. Im GOING to make myself walk for miles every morning when i finish work. I will come home, drop my bag off and go walking up the canal or something. Im thinking of doing the cycling 8 miles every morning...i used to walk it with the school and it would be such a great sense of feeling if i did that every morning. Thats excersise sorted. The biggest hurdle though is going to be eating healhy. NO MORE CHOCOLATE, CRISPS OR ANY JUNK FOOD! none. Zip. This is going to be so hard. It has to be done. I WILL do this.

I was walking home from work, just left joe at his house. It was only about 4:30am so it was JUST light but it was chucking down with rain. No wind, no cold just very very heavy rain and no one for miles, not even a car. I loved it. I felt so at peace. I love the morning, it makes me feel like im the only one in the world and i dont have to worry anymore and I like the heavy rain because when your in that state of mind...the rain just washes away all your problems and lets them run down the drain. There was a point when i was standing at the canal on the lock, just looking for miles...all it was was misty and raining...i looked up above me and there was just a bit of blue sky. The only bit of blue sky right above me, no other sign of light for miles. It was a lovely moment...I honestly felt at peace. Im scared because i feel numb. I feel like i cant trust anyone. I feel like i cant be close to anyone anymore. I know that sounds extream but i honestly feel like i cant feel emotionaly close to anyone anymore cause im too used to being skrewed around or heartbroken. Think my body has just gone into shut down mode. I have too many worries :( I wish it would rain again....

...heartbroken. I had to break up with Mark because hes not who i thought he was. He doesnt stop lying to me and hes cheeted on me online alot which i have only recently found out. I thought he was compleatly perfect but that image is shattered into a bazillion pieces :( I dont know how i can be with him if he still lies to my face and if i cant keep a leash on him by moving in with him. That cant happen for god knows how long :( I cant take this. I love him so much and i just am compleately lost. I need help on what to do :(

Right well start off the story. I started my new job today which was all cool, the group im in is fun and everyone talks so easily to you. There is however one girl in the group i know already (she is 16) and was in my school. When she was in school she was a bully and a bitch. She still is. Some of her stupidity was obvious in comments such as : 1: God i hate forgeiners! (shes german) 2: with all these breaks your going to make my lungs black from smoking too much! (she has been smoking since she was 13) She also copied EVERYTHING i wrote today (notes wise) and she copied my answers (word for word) on a evaluation of the course which is just a tick what you thought of the course, well, very well.. etc and comments. ITS NOT EXACTLY HARD TO TICK BOX'S!!!! ffs. Im going to sit like a loner tomorrow cause im not going out to the smoking area anymore and i refuse to sit with her while she says things like "im too popular for these people" People are irritating me at the moment so damn much.

new job!! Im nervious about my new job tomorrow. I dont have all the smart clothes im meant to have because i cant afford them. Im nervious that i will go all scruffy and junk when the people i seen there already are all pretty and slim and can walk so elegantly in high heels. Makes me feel out of place compleately before im even there! thats so messed up. At least i know people there. I REALLY hope im on the same desk as Michelle, and even then at least i know Jamwa and Paul. As for the whole Mark thing. I dont know. Im just trying to help him find himself. I dont seem to be upset because i KNOW we will get married in the future and everything...if he wants too. He just needs to figure if he can deal with me and everything the future holds. Best to go through these crisis's just now rather than later because later it usualy ends in devorce or cheeting, or both. I love him and im going to help him. I just think i need space because of everything we have gone through....its alot to go through. Ack nerviousness!

lost. I dont know where to go anymore. I had everything planned. I dont know what to do about Mark. I love him so damn much, i truely do. But i cant trust any words that come out his mouth anymore and that hurts me so much. I have severe parranoia and jelliousy issues and the whole thing with Mark has made them worse and trust me they were bad to begin with. No one else will put up with it except Mark, its just fact. But even he doesnt put up with it at times even though i have warned him and it has been made worse by him. He snaps at me and gets on at me for it and hes complained recently that its made him feel constrained. How am i meant to make him feel less constrained? Its not exactly my fault concidering my past. (Yes i know people have had worse but this is how its effected me and i cant help that) Ashley is right, i need to go to a phycologist about it. Its taking over and its starting to rule my every thought. I dont know what to do about Mark. I thought he was perfect and its kind of shattered the image. I dont even know who he is anymore and it scares me so much. I could never stop loving him even after all this...There were points when i was down there where we would fake fight (hit and things) and i would actualy go to hurt him at times. That scared the pure hell out of me. I would never want to hurt Mark but now i have all this hidden anger and hurt toward him. But yet i love him so much, there is nothing i want more than for him just to hold me close and tight. He asked me if i locked him in a room would i feel less parranoid...truth is i wouldnt cause i would think up all these elabourate things that he could do to hurt me and things. I am so lost. Everything is so unclear now. I feel he is taking advanage of me in some ways, he goes out and even when i ask him to txt me to tell me if hes alright and when he will be coming home he doesnt. He falls out with me over my paranoia even though hes given me damn good reasons to be paranoid and he expects me to do everything for him like his mother. God Im so angry with him and hurt but yet i dont want to hurt him at the same time *sigh* Im so lost, i have only just got home today and everything is messed up. ------------------update--------------------- its now 3:30am. I have sent a message to both mark's phone and leon's asking if he is ok. But no one has replied. Isnt that just lovely. God i dont even know why i bother half the time. Its not as if hes bothered. I want to know if the ones i love are ok. If i did that mark would be fucking phoning me up trying to get me to come home and guilt tripping me to come home. He doesnt even tell me if hes safe. Nice.

I feel so great! seriously i havent felt this great in ages! :D I have done my hair and i LOVE it, i actualy see myself as pretty now (you know how most people look at themselves and think "ack..if only..") i dont feel that today at all. Its great! :D I did a couple of photos today which im very proud off. :) (eventualy got the insperation sorted lol) Ice age 2 rocks! went to the cinema with jodie and david and ended up meeting loads of people there. It was great fun. Loved it! Amaizing day! xxxxxxx

BUT i cant do anything about it because i would need to do weird and crazy make up but i cant cause mum has customers and the fact i gotta go get my picture taken later for capgemini is irritating. ARG I wanna do some photos! Im really bored. I tried to phone mark about a bazillion times but hes not answering his phone *Grr to him* Gah all this inperation and i bet you anything it will be gone later!

Work today was boring. UBER busy but boring. Woot, last week of work. Just no one will fucking swap shifts with me so i can get tuesday off. Its my sister's 18th. The main thing upsetting me at the moment is having to wait. I have been building up for about a year now of wanting to be with Mark. He finishes college in about 8 weeks or something and he and i were going to live together right after that. Now thats not even happening anymore Now you know when christmas is coming when your a kid and your looking forward to it soooo much that the days pass longer and the time leading up to it takes AGES. Well this is like that. But now its gotten even longer because we have decided to live in manchester and we cant move out until Mark has a job and has money and untill i have money which is not going to happen until about christmas. Im going to go mental. He doesnt even understand how upseting it is for me. Its like when you build something up and it doesnt turn out like you wanted it too. That already happened this year with a special thing and now this. Why do i have to wait longer? God this sucks. I dont even want to talk about it with him. Hes treating it as if im being like a child. So what if i am? Im fucking upset and he asked to talk so i talked. Like i actualy care about anything else at the moment. Just that :( Blah. Karin if you read this entry i have finished your tattoo if you want to stay online at some point. Im always on at 9. meh.

falls asleep* Tiredness. Damn how am i going to cope with a full time job if i still get tired so easily? I told them im fine now :S oops. Im so run down. I think its just everything running my energy into the ground to be honest. I am getting too far ahead of myself. This wont be a long entry because im too tired. Its so cute, mark is jellious of ashley, i can so tell ^_^ awwww. Least his jelliousy is cute! mine isnt :S lol SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP Hm...Hahaha! Stevie at work tried to show off to me that she had a tattoo. "Stevie can you get some more tags for me...yeh....I have a tattoo! (which is old btw)" and i just stared blankly at her and said "yeh...i have two." HAHA! her face was funny. She so wasnt expecting it. Soon i will be buggering off much to my joy. ah well. xxx

Work is boring as usual today. A girl i know from school has started today although she worked in the elgin store. I cant stand the girl. She was a bitch in school so im very glad to be leaving. Stressed is the title because im stressing over where the hell we are going to live after mark finish's college. I really cant stand to live here because i am very very very bored of the place to be honest. There is nothing to do, i have seen everything, done everything and there is NO jobs for anyone wanting a career not in tradsmenship. Mark doesnt want to live in Manchester, i dont want to live in Glasgow, Dundee, Aberdeen or Edenburgh, i may seem picky but i have my reasons. So we are pretty much skrewed. *sigh* 9 weeks or less to sort all this out too... Apart from that...hmm..whats new....absolutly nothing. Joy! I will proberly update this a bit later, as i cant be bothered frankly

Well...hm...lets see... I quit my job! woot. 2 weeks and then im done, no more tkmaxx!!!! THANK FUCK! is all i can really say about that! I was uber ill since thursdayish so i said to one girl at work (louise) that if i still felt ill i would phone in sick on friday and on saturday. So when i phoned in sick on friday i got compleatly screamed at down the phone by my boss because louise had told them i was going to do it. Fucking backstabbing bitch. I help her and thats how she repaied me. SO the only words she got from me on saturday (because i had to go in and they made me work an extra 2 hours) was "i want my fiver back btw" without looking to her and "what the fuck is this" at her mess she left. If she DARES tries to pull any shit with me in these weeks left im going to do what she did to me and get the higher arckee on her. Mark was here from wednesday to this morning. I love him being with me, cant wait 9 weeks seriously. But thing is that hes applying for a better job down in manchester (which i insisted apon and stand by that.) But manchester is so uber busy, and people have no manners there...but...blah. Its not my choice of place but if mark gets the job i will move for him. With mark i'm happy. No idea what kind of job i could get down there...not as if im qualifighed for anything...i could go to college? get a weekend job...or night job...blah. Im just scared i suppose. I will become nothing while living off mark. I love him so much. I want him to be happy and sucessfull. I really want to get back into my photography. But i need my bloody camera fixed. I miss just being able to go wandering and taking pictures. Damn camera, its a bloody manafacturing fault too which means it was going to break when i bought it anyways. ARG. ah well. Will get it all done eventualy. This is proberly extreamly long but i dont care. god i could seriously do with hurting louise. Cant get over what a two faced bitch she is. BLAH all is well. ***********UPDATE!!!!!************* FOUND MY BIRTHCERTIFICATE!!!! which means i can send off for my licence!! :D FINALY!! IM GOING TO DRIVE!!!

God i seriously need out of this house. My parents are forever putting me last and putting my brother and sister before me, no matter how much they bad mouth me they let them get away with it. And when im trying to concentrate or when im watching my shows or something and they are shouting and i tell them to be quiet i get shouted at for shouting at them even though they were the ones making the noise in the first place! God im always put fucking last in this house no matter what. I cant even play my music loudly. How pathetic is that?! My dad does it all the time and mum doesnt complain but as soon as i do it she gets pissed off. My brother can play on his skateboard in the living room which wakes EVERYONE up at like 7:30 am but when i was little and i did it with my rollar blades i got bolloched at. He can play his games loudly and when hes off school its like a holdiday, that goes for both of them. I need out. If i move out before mark gets here though im skrewed because i dont know how to handle things on my own. But i seriously cant take living here anymore...ARG.