lost. I dont know where to go anymore. I had everything planned. I dont know what to do about Mark. I love him so damn much, i truely do. But i cant trust any words that come out his mouth anymore and that hurts me so much. I have severe parranoia and jelliousy issues and the whole thing with Mark has made them worse and trust me they were bad to begin with. No one else will put up with it except Mark, its just fact. But even he doesnt put up with it at times even though i have warned him and it has been made worse by him. He snaps at me and gets on at me for it and hes complained recently that its made him feel constrained. How am i meant to make him feel less constrained? Its not exactly my fault concidering my past. (Yes i know people have had worse but this is how its effected me and i cant help that) Ashley is right, i need to go to a phycologist about it. Its taking over and its starting to rule my every thought. I dont know what to do about Mark. I thought he was perfect and its kind of shattered the image. I dont even know who he is anymore and it scares me so much. I could never stop loving him even after all this...There were points when i was down there where we would fake fight (hit and things) and i would actualy go to hurt him at times. That scared the pure hell out of me. I would never want to hurt Mark but now i have all this hidden anger and hurt toward him. But yet i love him so much, there is nothing i want more than for him just to hold me close and tight. He asked me if i locked him in a room would i feel less parranoid...truth is i wouldnt cause i would think up all these elabourate things that he could do to hurt me and things. I am so lost. Everything is so unclear now. I feel he is taking advanage of me in some ways, he goes out and even when i ask him to txt me to tell me if hes alright and when he will be coming home he doesnt. He falls out with me over my paranoia even though hes given me damn good reasons to be paranoid and he expects me to do everything for him like his mother. God Im so angry with him and hurt but yet i dont want to hurt him at the same time *sigh* Im so lost, i have only just got home today and everything is messed up. ------------------update--------------------- its now 3:30am. I have sent a message to both mark's phone and leon's asking if he is ok. But no one has replied. Isnt that just lovely. God i dont even know why i bother half the time. Its not as if hes bothered. I want to know if the ones i love are ok. If i did that mark would be fucking phoning me up trying to get me to come home and guilt tripping me to come home. He doesnt even tell me if hes safe. Nice.