She stared out the window blankley, bottom lip tucked beneath her teeth as her anxiety slowly grew. Her heart expanded but the voids that caused her loneliness began to fill with a darkness that began to cloud her mind and judgement. Longing for that chance to be happy but concistancy was a rare thing for her lifestyle and if it wasn't than life would be less complicated. Her moods fluctuated as she came down from the intoxication. The thick smell of rum lingered in the back of her throat as she sipped her water, her stomach churned and the room around her spun. She was much better at acting straight after consuming alcohol when she needed too but in real life her world was in a twist. There was more happiness than anything, but back in the mind as she slowly came down the depression increased drastically. She had made a pact after her and her best friend got in a fight to not smoke weed anymore and she had followed through with it rather well as opposed to before. Then the more she stayed in South Portland with the same crowd of people she was always around the more options there were to having that great escape. This was the fourth night in a row she had gotten drunk, to some that would seem like a rediculous amount to worry about but to her it was a trap. She would anxiously await the next bottle she could get a hold of to drown the depression resulting from the night before away as quickly as she could. She had it in her mind like there was almost no turning back now, she couldn't go a day without a drug unless she was with people who made her happy and there were only two people that had that full effect on her but they were too out of reach to always be around. Her lungs filled with air and she sighed in a half attempt to feel some sort of releife, this was the first night in a couple weeks she could breath and wouldn't be coughing every ten seconds. Her inhaler however would remain glued to her side, without it she would have no way to breathe. She had gone to the doctors the day before to diagnose this problem, she had been smoking cigarettes for three years now and it was getting to the point of minor suffication. When the doctor asked if she smoked she responded honestly, he shook his head in dissapointment as well as her father. The doctor informed her that her athsma was starting to get more severe and that her lungs weren't developing right, not to mention that she had aquired some sort of illness over the past week. In the end of their brief apointment the doctor said a few last words before walking out the door. You know, I know it is hard but, if you don't stop smoking... You're killing yourself.And then it hit her. Was this yet another form of subconscious self-mutilation? Cutting had occured within the last week out of hopelessness and loneliness but if she stopped smoking cigarettes, the only thing in her life that was consistant and did the job in taking off the edge, she would have nothing, again. The only consistancy she had in her life was unhealthy and unfit for a person of her knowledge. She considered herself an intulectual person but from her actions she would be just like any other white city girl living in poverty. She was surrounded by them all, and they had come to be known as her friends. Seeing the world around, all the money and the different lifestyles, especially healthy ones which were frowned upon by her friends. She longed to leave this hell hole and get away from it all. Her thoughts returned to the night she had visited her sisters temporary places to stay, the new boyfriend Matt. At first she had been intimidated by him only because he was not at all like her sister's type but as time went on she couldn't help but smile at how happy they really were. So many emotions would evolve out of seeing her sister happy; Jealousy, envy, resentment, frustration, loneliness. Then she met Matt's younger brother Ryan, whom was nineteen. To her surprise they had a lot in common, and though she felt her heart belonged to another she couldn't help but feel for this individual. He too was protective over his older brother, having to see him go through the ups and downs of life, especially the road teenagers are fond of taking which leads them directly to rock bottom. They stayed up until sunrise talking about life and she was releived to know there were others like her out there. She was never one to judge by personality, it was always the looks and she was rather picky with who she would hold attraction for. However in this time period of being alone she had learned a lot of things about the opposite sex. He was tall, not usually the person she would retain attraction for but there was something about the way he spoke of his brother that caught her attention. He spoke his words with meaning when he was being serious but other times she would just end up laughing. Within ten minutes of knowing eachother teir conversations carried on as if they were catching up, she missed those feelings. She debated whether this was just another subconscious and desperate attempts to find happiness through love and most of the time it was. Being alone, without having someone to love her back the way she felt for them was one of the hardest things she had ever done. As time went on she adapted but it was never to her liking, but something in her mind blocked the ability to fall in love as easy as she use too. The only flaw in her life was she always liked the ones that didn't like her, she had passed up many oppertunities with the nicest guys because she could never like them in that way but it seemed impossible to fix. She shook her head in attempts to shake these thoughts off, such notions would be considered "feeling sorry for yourself" and that was the last thing she wanted too do. Her mind darted from feeling to feeling, conflict to conflict until the lack of sleep drained away the little attention span she had left. Her hands shook from all of the steroids that had been pumped into her lungd the past two days but she was releifed to know she would be able to sleep without constantly coughing. Her mind crept into the thought of tomorrow, it was her last day off of the week and she wanted to either hang out with one of the people she was highly fond of or go to Windham with her sister. Since he had his plans set she decided to go along and not pass up this oppertunity to be happy and have fun while she still could. Because money doesn't last forever, and neither does false happiness or intoxication.