Time started [2:17am] My whole life has all come down to this. I love you so much, what did I ever do to make you hate me so much. Worse than Angel. You tried for so long to have me but why, why did you hate me. I know the truth. I am here because you get money for me, I am here because if I stay here then you get money. I am a paycheck to you. I love you so much, why am I only a paycheck to you? Why don't you care? You have given me everything as a child, all that I could have wanted but you never knew how to give me the emotional support. I remember you saying "your father use to do terrible things to you, and use to say terrible things to you". It's a lie. I know the truth. I realize it right now. Whenever I did something bad you would say "I'm going to call your father" you would tell him what I did and he wouldn't know what to do. YOu would be mad. MADD. Mad that he wouldn't do anything so you would say "So you're just going to let her get away with this" you would scream. I only remember the things you did, I use to hide form you. Not my dad, from you. He would yell at me because YOU told him to yell at me.You made me like this. You made me hate myself. I was always doing something wrong. I'm always doing somethign wrong. I hate myself because you hated me. When I was little, you use to yell at me for not doing things, when I was 12 you would make me feel so guilty for not doing something. Mom, if you wanted me to do the dishes then you should have asked me "Brittney can you do the dishes" I would have done them. Anything you asked me to do I would do it, I would have done anything for you. Cleaning my room was one thing I didn't like to do. Because my room was my safe spot. My room was my own space, everything in it was mine, I felt safe on my bed, with my door shut. Even though there were cloths everywhere, once I stepped into that room after fighting with you and the door was closed I was safe. Dad didn't know how to be a father, you were too young and immiture to be a mother. You hated us because we stopped you from being able to be a teenager, stopped you from being able to go out and drink, because that was important to you. Your time, time to yourself is the most important thing. Dad loved you and he would do anything for you, even yell at his own kids, hit his own kids. He was mean to Angel because he wasn't her dad, he didn't know how to take that. You've made it so he can't see his kids anymore, and you wonder why you don't have your free time. Dad still pays childsupport like you want. Child support. You use to get so mad at me for being excited when food stamps came because that meant you were poor. You didn't want kids. Why did you have us, if we really made your life so miserable why did you have us. Why did you have me. When I am around you, my moods alter to yours, I try to do everything in my power to please you but it's never enough. It never is. You tell us we are ungrateful, I am grateful for everything you have ever done for me but what I don't understand is why you hated me so much. Why I've come to hate myself now, I am ugly, I am stupid, because you make me feel that way. Why am I only a peice of paprer that grants you $60. That is how much I am wourth, that is how much I feel. Like $60. When I am having mental episodes like these mom, like I am having right now. Sitting downstairs crying. That is what you always use to say "FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF" you would always say that when I cried. When I embarressed you, you shut me in that truck. I sat there for two hours, feeling ashamed. For what? For EMBARRASSING YOU. It was always my fault, never yours. MINE. Where did I learn hitting. I did'nt learn it from Angel, do you want to know another secret? I learned hitting FROM YOU. I don't ever remember dad hitting me. EVER. You use to punish me, you use to HIT me. Because I did something wrong. I always DID SOMETHING WRONG. And now more than ever I hate myself. Because you don't want the kids too see me. You don't want them to follow my road. You did nothing at all. I was born a fuck of, I was meant to fuck up your life. I choose to go down these paths because I am stupid and I am a burden. WELL IM SORRY. Everytime I am in one of these episodes I find myself repeating words over and over "CLEAN THIS FUCKING MESS" "I HATE YOU" "SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STOP CRYING" "IF YOU DONT GET IN YOUR ROOM RIGHT NOW IM GOING TO-" I remember when I got old enough to stand up for myself. I remember when you didn't get a job in redbank that year we got evicted, the year I was supposed to go to my first year of middle school, you said it was dad's fault. Your back didn't hurt back then mom, yo uoculd have GOT A JOB. WHEN YOU HAVE KIDS YOU DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO ENSURE THEIR FUTURE, YOU WORK YOUR ASS OFF, YOU WORK THROUGH THE PAIN. I have no right to say this. I am a bad kid, how dare I blame this all on you, I'm the one who chose to drop out of school, I'm the one who is putting myself in this situation. You're right mom. And what would the family think? I wonder if you fear their judgement above all. You don't want them to see another fuck up in the family. Now I wonder, why two of your kids decided to take these paths. The two oldest who saw everything before you really did GROW UP. Oh I remember, the day I got in trouble, guilty by assosiation. You grounded me. I remember that day perfectly. You came home from Dillon's baseball game. "SLUT, YOU STUPID FUCKING SLUT" "YOU HANG AROUND WITH HIM, I KNEW IT, I JUST KNEW IT. YOU FUCKING CUNT!" And you screamed it again. "YOU FUCKING CUNT". Now at the time, I took offence to this word. "Don't be upset hunny, your mom doesn't mean it, she's just mad". That is what dad would always say. "She's mad she doesn't mean it". Then I realized when I started getting mad I said things I didn't mean. I realized, that is what you did. That was bad. I had to punish myself. I couldn't hit myself with a wooden spoon, or backhand myself. THe first time I ever cut is the night I came home from hanging out in the VFW and I came home on a little stunt bike riding the pegs. I gave Pappy a hug and went inside, with a deep pit in my stomach knowing that you would be there waiting. I came inside. "YOU FUCKING SLUT! WHY ARE YOU LATE" And you THREW ME against the wall, and, you grabbed me by the neck. I could feel your rage. So I cried, and I felt so ashamed of myself for letting you down again. Of course you always thought I was out doing drugs, you always thought I came home high. From 6th grade until I moved out the first time, I moved out freshman year. Guess what mom, I even try pot until I was a sophomore. A SOPHOMORE! YOu would SCREAM at me for coming home, you would always question me about my eyes, you wouldn't beleive me NO MATTER WHAT. And I lied to you about little things, why? Because the one thing I have feared for my entire life, everything I do falls back upon this one result. YOu getting angry with me. That is all I have ever known is you being angry with me. And if you did something I didn't like and I got mad, you would be mad at me for being mad. When you tried to be nice and I was still mad, you would get even more mad at me. When I did something and I tried to be nice when you were mad, you would say it wasn't good enough. Then when I was mad at you and I didn't let you know, when you are nice to me I can't be mad at you because deep down inside mom I love you more then anyone on this planet, except for Angel and Dad. I can replay the past over and over in my mind until my head is pounding but I'll never understand why you hated me. You always snapped at me, and whenever I did it to the kids you would be SO MAD. YOu would YELL. You would yell at me. But if was perfectly fine for you to snap at the kids, you're their mother, not me. But I swear on my life mom, I will be the best mother my kids will ever come to know. And NEVER EVER will they have to live a life that I did. "Oh because you lived such a terrible life, I made your life a living hell, you ungrateful kid how the fuck could you say that about your own mother. Do you know how much it hurts me?" You say. I remember it all. I remember when I wrote a letter, about how you were using dad, but I was too naive to know what was really going on, I walked to dad's house. I ran away. You told me if I didn't come back you woudl call the police. I left the note on the kitchen table right by empty plate of food that you made for lunch. You picked me up and you talked to me. Convinced me that I was the one in fault here, not you, I had no reason to be angry with you. When we got home I tried to get the letter before you saw it, but you grabbed it from me. "That was just me feeling sorry for myself" I said. After you finished reading it you looked at me and said "Yeah, it was". I wish you could have been the mom you are now to me when I was younger. I am only trying to proove my point. I don't want to hurt your feelings and if I a choice I wouldn't show you this but you have to know. You have to know why I am the way I am. You don't care though, if I try at all to expose the real you, you would kill me. I got frustrated one day because I asked for a ride and you wouldn't give me one, walking to Bruce's house would have been so far. You got home and GOT MAD AT ME FOR EVEN ASKING. So instead of blaming myself I stood up formyself and did what I had seen you do every day of my life. You slammed things. I slammed things, I threw the phone. You noticed this and looked at me. "LOOK AT YOU! YOU'RE HAVING WITHDRAWELS! IM CALLING YOUR FATHER AND YOU'RE GOING TO THE HOSPITAL" You sent me there once before and you knew, you knew I was scared to death of places like that. I was so alone, so alone, and you left me there because you didn't want to deal with what you created. A monster. I am a monster.And you tried to silence me for so long but at the same time I know, you were trying to help. But you figured if I could stay on the medication you could control me better and I was thinking if I stayed on medication maybe I wouldn't dissapoint you so much. The medication fucked up my life, the medication made me want to kill myself. The medication YOU MADE me take was the reasoning I tried to kill myself six times. And in the end of every attempt of trying to hang myself I would cry, maybe because I was feeling sorry for myself. Yeah I think that's why, well that's what you would say anyway. Back to my story. YOu shut me in my room and for the first time my room was no longer safe, I didn't feel the comforting warpmth from my blankey, or blankets. I did what I had seen you do a few time. I threw my fists in every direction knowing things over, punching my shelf, knowing over the fan. I was so sorry for everything I did, I was so mad at myself for being this way infront of the kids but there was nothing I could do, the rage was so intense I dind't know how to control it. So I threw on my coat and walked from one side of town to the other in the cold snow. I wasn't mad at you for not giving me a ride, all along I was mad because I didn't take care of it earlier. Mad at myself for not doing what you always told me to do, plan ahead. And then I get to Bruces, I am with someone who I thought loved me, someone who I thought actually cared, I felt safe with him. Dad pulls up because you called him AND YOU TOLD HIM TO GET ME AND BRING ME TO THE HOSPITAL AND HE DID, HE DID IT FOR YOU. IF HE HAD A CHOICE HE WOULDN"T HAVE SHIPPED ME AWAY, HE WOULD HAVE TAKEN ME OUT TO GET SOMETHING TO EAT AND TALKED CALMLY WITH ME. The truth is, you gave me everything I wanted. You provided me with a life, you made sure there was food on the table and presents under the tree. You made SURE DAD WAS WORKING FOR THAT MONEY HE HAD TO GIVE YOU IN THE CHILD SUPPORT. I remember after EVERY christmas you would scream at us for making a mess "PICK UP YOUR FUCKING MESSES OR EVERYTHING IS GOING BACK TO THE STORE" "YOU UNGRATEFUL FUCKING KIDS YOU TREAT ME LIKE SHIT AFTER ALL YOU GOT". A more recent memory. Christmas at that same house. I wouldn't open my presents until Dad got there because it meant something to me, every christmas since I was little he woudl always be there, watching me with a smile on his face at how happy we were at what we got and he would still laugh if we had even a hint of dissaproval. I could write down everything youcould say to this, because I've heard it all before but I have never confronted you will every single detail that haunts my every waking memory. I love Justin, he makes me feel safe, he wont ever hit me or yell at me and I know, for once he really does love me. He really does. That night I asked you if he could stay, it took a lot of courage to ask if he could and I offered even to sleep on the same couch. You could have said "No, I'm sorry, I don't want the kids to see it" instead your explination went along the lines of "ABSOLUTELY NOT! WHat are you thinkikng? I'm just going to let you have guys sleep over here all the time? I know you're not use to rules Brittney but when you're here you're going to have some boundaries". You're right, I didn't have rules, I choose to hang out with my friends and smoke pot every day for four months. Do you know why though? Because for once in my life I was happy, I had no cares, no worries, no means of responsibility, as long as I had enough money to buy more and feel like that I was fine. To top it off this is when I first started dating Justin, I could stay with someone who loved me and who wanted to be with me. That is why I get so emotionally attatched to guys, because I just want to be loved. If dad every showed too much compassion towards us you would get mad at him so he would stop, for you. You would make him feel terrible, telling him that babying us would only make us think we could get away with more. And knowing you have such control over someone, it must be nice. I remember watching Tom and Jerry, sitting in my PJ's on the living room floor. YOu asked me to do something. I was probably about five. I didn't do it, for some reason or another I stayed and sat there. I remember you running in, I saw you and ran away screaming, screaming NO! I saw it on a cartoon, when the cartoon said no and the other cartoon heard how scared it was then he stopped. I tried it, I was scared, I jumped onto the couch, then I ran for the door, you grabbed me by my stomach and threw me back to themiddle of the floor and back handed my bottom so hard. You back handed me once for giving you attitude, you were being mean to me, I was on the computer, we lived on broadway by Crestglass. I gave you a slight attitude, you got in my face and I just stared at you. And you back handed me. I never saw it coming, and instead of hitting you back like my reactions were begging me too, I cried. I cried and ran into my room. You stood at the door and screamed "YOU NEED TO STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF". So every time I cried, even when I was very little, I was convinced it was because it was my fault, I shouldn't be crying, and I was only feeling sorry for myself. Crying was bad, I had no reason to cry, I had no reason to feel the way I did. That kind of behavior was punished and when I thoguht I knew I was feeling sorry for myself I cut. I cut because it was a proper way of punishing myself, and the pain from it afterwards felt so good. I don't know why, when it hurt to the point where I felt like I would cry I would grit my teeth and endure the stinging sensation, telling myself I deserved it and gripping tighter to make it hurt more. At the beginning of this page I was crying, crying so hard I smothered myself with a pillow to keep you from hearing. I feared that you woudl wake up before I had a chance to type it all out. Everytime I tried to fight back you woudl always scream over me and tell me you had nothign to do with it and that it was my fault. I have realized this for a while too, maybe this was how you were brought up, maybe your mom treated you the way you treated me and Angel. You want to know why Angel is fucked up, because her dad was never around so she only had you to learn from. You want to know why she is selfish hearted, because in reality you were selfish hearted. And also the drugs she did in her past increased this psychosis. Do you want to know why I didn't end up like either of you? Because I stopped. Ever since I was little, I stopped and thought "maybe there is another side to this" and I observed people, I watched them because I didn't know how to act. I was always getting in trouble so maybe if I watched other people I could learn to be more like them. And it got to the point where I didn't know who I was, I didn't know how to act, whgat to say, who to be like, where I fit in. So I ended up not fitting in anywhere, and my mind was constantly piling with questions that needed answers but no one there to help me answer them. I adapted to this chaos and learned to find answers for myself. I didn't know how to act because everything I did was bad. When I whistled, I use to do it all the time. I loved music, it set the mood to everything. I use to sit there and whistle all day. Then one day you told me to stop, it was kind of a habbit and it helped me keep busy and out of your way, so I went outside. I sat on the pourch outside and you screamed out the window "STOP FUCKING WHISTLING". So I started to go to Shanny's house. I had so much fun there, I was always off on my own exploring the woods, going to the pond and watching turtles and going fucking with Cameron. I remember sitting in the kicthen there and since you weren't around I was whistling. Shanny came by the doorway and said "Stop whistling" so I stopped and for a moment I got it in my head that whistling was a bad thing. Then she came back and put her hand on my shoulder and smiled, "you don't have to stop whistling I was just making fun of your mother, I heard her yell at you for that, it's rediculous" and that liberation right there is where it all started. I love Angel more than anything in this world, she is my big sister and I look up to her the most. YOu always said I was going to end up like her and in a way you were right, we both needed to get the hell away from you because as we grew older we realized that it wasn't us. Of course Angel realized it far before I did. Mind games. She knew your tricks, figured them out, and began to rebel. See the only kids we found fit to hang out with were the kids who didn't care how you acted or how you dressed, the kids that gre up in the same environment as us just worse than us. We were never good enough to be popular. The popular kids in my school are another factor in why I hated myself, because I never had enough money to buy pretty cloths or revealing cloths. I never blamed you for that because I knew far before that, that money didn't mean a thing, expensive things didn't mean a thing. Even though I wanted some of the things that they had I stuck with what I got because dad worked hard for the money and I didn't want to be ungrateful. Angel moved out at such a young age and you told me she wanted to leave. I was told by everyone else, another story, but that came later. Way after the things you told me about how she left to do drugs, disobayed everything anyone said. I grew disgusted of my sister because of all the things that you told me she did, and I beleived you. Then I wrote a letter to her, addressing strong points and how dissapointed I was with her. She read them and she cried. "I cried so hard knowing that this is what my little sister thought of me, but in reality that wasn't anything close to the truth". The truth is you kicked her out because you didn't want to deal with it, you didn't want to take responsibilities. THE SAME THING YOU DID TO ME ONLY THEY HAD A NEW WAY OF DOING THAT, SENDING ME TO HOSPITALS. I couldn't sit in my room for more than 20 minutes alone, I didn't have a free space, I didn't feel safe anywhere. I did was I was told because I knew if I did that then I would get out of there sooner. No but you kicked her out, and expected our family to deal with it but how does relatives deal with a child that is not their own, how is the child support to deal knowing their own mother, the one who had them and raised them had given up on them and shipped them away. How was she supposed to deal with the fact that you abandoned her? With so much pain and so much anger, she tried drugs at a young age, not old enbough to even acknowledge the dangers and consiquences she tried them and loved them. The only thought running through her mind was, it's cool, I feel good, I don't hurt anymore, the people I'm with care about me and I am happy. The truth was the people she was with didn't really care about her but the attention she got from them was enough. I know because I felt the same way, Angel never had the ability to stop and think about what she was doing, never had the ability to see both sides to it. I knew that the people around me didn't care about me so I didn't do drugs as much as I wanted too, and sometimes I would sum up and convince myself that they did and when they betrayed me it hurt worse than anything I had ever felt. I never took it out on you though mom, I took it out on the kids, just like Angel took it out on me. She tried to be the nice sister to us and I feel bad for being such a horrible child but I was young and I wasn't a mean kid because I was born that way. You wouldn't be anywhere if it wasn't for Dad, you wouldn't have ANYTHING AT ALL if it wasn't for dad. He may not be there for us emotionally, but he is the most hard working father I have ever seen in my entire life. You wouldn't have the nice things you have if it wasn't for Dad, some of them are from us and Craig but the things from us, the money we spent to get you those things were from DAD. This is why I don't stay mad at dad, the only reason I speak badly of him is to please you. However after everytime I speak badly of him I hurt myself in some way because I realize it's not true and what I am doing is bad. I shoudl be old enough not to bad mouth my father after all he's done for us. Mony and Grampy are right, Dad is the reason for a lot of things. Where would we be if he wasn't here? You would be forced to get a job, and we would never hear the end of it, you would bark at us for nbot being grateful or not doing what you say because you just went out and worked. DAD HAS WORKED AT THAT FUCKING SHIT WHOLE SINCE I WAS LITTLE< MAKING MONEY FOR US. YOu made money on the side with your haircutting business but that was your money the money that you earned. WHat about Dad? His money goes to you. I even told him that he didn't have to pay child support for me, even though you asked me not too, and he still gives it to you. If anything he should give it to me and I would give you some and save the rest. Eventually Dad got tired of carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders, doing everything for you, I dont' beleive you when you told me Dad was mean to you because all my life I have known you to have JUST AS MUCH ABILITY TO BE MEAN BACK. Do you want to know one last secret? I blamed myself for you and Dad's divorce, it was something that you said to me a while back. You didn't incinuate anything along the lines of it being my fault but I thought that because I didn't step in and do anything about it it was my fault. That's why I try to help people, because I don't want them to be as sad as I was that day he told me that you two were getting divorced. I will never forget that day. We walked us up the dirt road away from Aunt Janises house, he told me and I collasped on the ground crying because he made me feel safe. I use to cry out the window for my dad but he was always out working, working to keep food on the table and warm cloths. He always came home and slept, he was tired. I never saw much of my dad when you two were together and now that you were divorcing him, when would see him? I think this is the reason why I can't retain much of what I learn in school, because I have so many memories, I don't understand how I remember it all and in detail but I do. Sometimes when I sat down in class my mind would drift in thought and my thoughts would eventually lead to the past and I would wonder. I got to the lowest low point of my entire life, where I would wake up, go to school, come home and sleep. I slept because in my dreams I was free and I could do the one thing I wanted to do my entire life. Fly. Like a bird, far away, over the tree tops, I would even lower my hand and have it glide through the waters, the world was my own in my mind. I was safe there, the people in there couldn't hurt me. No one could. This is what I did everyday for two months. I would sleep to dream and live in a fantasy world I created. Until I lost my ability to sleep, I was so sad all the time from my meds, I didn't know what to do with myself so I wrote. My writing was depressing, dark, shallow, but it was all I had at the time. I ran out of things to write, got kicked out of drama for not having good enough grades, and that day, was the day I turned to drugs. The same reason Angel did. Because it would help me fit in and I could live in a world where there were no cares or worries. I could numb the constant pain that always ached in my heart. Why do I worry so much about everything? Because I never want to do anything wrong, I don't want to dissapoint people, I try so hard to please people because I fear their anger towards me. I shouldn't though, because not everyone is like you, or how you use to be anyways. I'm writing this all down because I know by tomorrow, I'll wake up and you'll be nice to me, with a smile on your face and I'll hate myself for ever saying this to you. This is the first and last attempt to find justification in my life. I have to tell you mom, I am proud of the mother you are today. Making them breakfast every morning, making sure they have something on the side to do, like dance and sports, making sure they do their homework, it's like you finally got a grasp on responsibility. I know you think I am far from knowing what responsibility is but just because I don't have any doesn't mean I don't know what they are. When I have kids I will work my hardest and when I can't work anymore I will push myself to the ultimate limit because I will have one thing to keep me going. My dad did it for seventeen years and he's still doing it, if I have a baby then I am going to do everythign I can to make sure this baby has a good future. I'm going to have some kind of place to live, it may not be a house like the ideal way of living is, but if it's an aprtment it will be clean, there will always be food on the table, there will NEVER be hitting, there will NEVER be yelling, there will NEVER be a divorce, there will NEVER be constant dissapointment. My child will know what to be grateful for because I will teach my child how to accept things. I know it wont be the best environment to bring a child up in but now a day NO ONE can afford a house, especially at a young age. It would be the right thing to do I suppose to wait until I am older but I feel like there is nothing in this world for me anymore, beside Justin, I feel the only way I'm going to do something is if it involves working for something. I beleive that if I get pregnant I will find two jobs and I will even work three. Then I'll drop one job and start taking classes for my GED, I'll get my GED before I have the baby. Once I have the baby I'll take a break, I'll work a job and I wanted you to babysit my baby, and sometimes Justin's mom too. It would have meant a lot to me if you, the grandmother, not to make you feel old, to hold my baby, the baby i was so proud of. I would keep working my job. In a wolf pack the mothers have to leave their babies to hunt for food, they leave the babies with the gardians not for a long time but enough time to do what needs to be done in order to survive. I would come back mid-day and pick up my child, give you the money as payment, I wouldn't let you down, and I would bring the baby home. Take care of it, show it all the love it deserves and wait for Justin to get home from his job. Together we would fight to survive, in the most hrash conditions, just as long as there was food in our stomachs, a roof over our head and a job to support us we would strive to give our baby the perfect life. If there was a point where we didn't have enough food, I would buy food for my baby and I wouldn't eat. A lone mother wolf would do the same, she woudl gather her strength despite her weakness and find food for her cubs, ignore the starvation and feed her cubs. I would give my life for my child and I would give my life for you, Justin, Angel, Dad, the kids. I love them, I love you. I'm sorry I had to do this, say it this way because I know, no matter what I say after this it wont do anythign to make you forgive me for what I've written. I realize this and it's the sacrafice I've decided was right. Because my own mother doesn't understand why I turned out this way, and everything I have written has released me from my mental episode, I can sit back and breath without tears blurring my vision. No one belives me when I say it. The truth is, partying doesn't mean a thing to me, because I watched you constantly feeling like you needed to be with your friends or go out drinking, or have a drink or a smoke when you're stressed out. I tried partying with my friends, drinking and smoking. But you know what? After a while I got sick of it, and I was ready to start my own life. I do not find enough self-wourth to go back to school and make a life for myself, it's too late. I need money, I am almost eighteen and I can never find a permanant place to live, I'm always being booted out. Or I leave. There is a difference I have to point out. I chose to leave and go to dad's and I chose to leave dad's and come back. Except this time. I would have stayed at dad's but the next thing I knew you had told him to bring all my shit to your house knowing I wouldn't have my own room and that I woudl just be getting in the way more so then I always was. Now I'm here, I don't have my own space, I'm frustrated, I always want to be with my boyfriend because he makes me feel safe, I dont like staying anyways because I hear your words everytime I wake up and the kids are getting ready for school, they notice me still sleeping and not going to school. I know what I did was wrong and I don't want them to do what I did but I know they wont. With your help and support they wont leave until they are 18 I know for a fact they wont. They see me still sleeping on the couch and they don't wonder why you're not making me go to school. I know this because I know what they are thinking, I know every reason to why they do what they do. I know because I taught myself. I thank you though, because you raised me and I turned out with the ability to read people, sense emotion, read the vibes, being able to deciepher lies from the truth, responsibility and what not to do when I am raising kids. I love you mom and I am so sorry that I wrote this, the marks on my arms are my punishment for doing such a thing. In the end I know that it is my fault that I am where I am, not yours. I know that you don't have to tell me, I was the fucking idiot that put myself here. My whole life still comes down to this. Am I nothing but a paycheck to you? I know the answer, but I can't tell if it's right or not or whether I beleive it. I know you love me, and deep down that has to mean something. But know this. I will proove you wrong, I will make it out there, with or without a child, I will do it. And I will be happy with my life, with Justin, and I will make you proud, someday. That's all I've ever wanted to do, cancle out all the dissapointment I've ever caused you and for once make you proud of me. I love you. I'm sorry. Forgive me someday. Time ended [5:05am] I wish only for peace.