I knew it was coming when I was called out of class, I went on break after being late and having it taken away. I didn't care much, I had barely any sleep and my mind was off in another world preventing me from focusing at all. I left the building through the back with all the buses and onto the corner where everyone had their cigarette breaks. I took a right like I was supposed to but after that I was completely oblivious to my destination. I clenched my fist in antispation, the bus would arrive at the assigned spot in ten minutes. I asked a man sitting on a bench with his wife how to get to the corner where Forest street and Congress street meet and he told me the intersections away. I was releived to have some idea of where I was going, however I was still discontent in my travels. Music for me, was the cure for anything. My eyes narrowed on the streets ahead of me, people herded through the crosswalks controled by blinking lights on the other side. Traffic filled the streets with the thick smell of smog, a wonderful thing to fill your lungs with on this cold autumn morning. The frosty wind stung my nose as I attempted to keep my head burried in my hat and hood. I thought of Justin, it was his birthday. I found it entertaining that he started celebrating exactly at 12am, and how much fun we really did have. We had been together almost a month now, and the first couple weeks were the worst for me. Guys had always been deceitful, especially ones that I liked. I aquired the skill to take pain better then I use too but it still involved the same bad habbits. I recall him saying I love you not too long ago, I heard him well but I didn't respond, I wasn't sure if I really did. As time went by I let my gaurd down, he slowly won my trust and I began to fall. Now whenever I see him I get butterflies effect in my stomach, that's how I know I am in love. Feeling such compassion for one person, it's amazing and to know they feel the same is equally enjoyable. Plans had already been established, we would get an apartment together in Portland and have Adam as a roomate as soon as Adam got out of the group homes. Shawn would stay with his mom until Joe got out of jail, he was more faithful to Joe then any one of us. I looked forward to not living with my grandparents anymore, it was my time to break free from the childlike responsibilities and become an adult. All I needed was the push to get started. When I am given a certain time to come home or I am expected to do something it kills my plan to even do it in the first place. Then I become avoidant and put things off. I've been trying to figure out why I do it but my mind keeps such answers locked away to unobtainable limits. My grandparents think so highly of me and expect so much more from me than what I am really capabale of. I have good intentions and I have the potential to do anything however my mental status is going haywire. When I am sober my moods fluctuate quicker then a six-flags roller coaster. I know I effect other people when I do it and I only realize after that I was acting irrasional and it seems almost unmendable. I would lean up against my bed at night, crying, not knowing how to fix it so I could be normal, the only normality was caused by a short-time intoxication. I had been self medicating everyday with pot for almost eight months, not long too some pot-heads but I wish I didn't have to smoke. Today was the last day I could smoke cigarettes until I was 21, Justin was doing the same thing and I said I would do it with him. It's easier doing things with someone else as opposed to on your own. I could never do anything for myself anyway, no matter how hard I tried, no matter how long I stayed alone, I was nothing. I tried to be something, but each time my self confidence would shatter by one little comment. The truth is, the only people that seem to really care about me is my family, maybe Justin and Adam. Everyone else would drop me the second they got the chance, this has been the story of my life. I had been dropped so many times and picked myself back up I couldn't find the strength to do it anymore. Dissapointment was the most repatative thing in my life, maybe I expected too much from things and people, maybe there really is no one but yourself. I didn't know what to believe. Friendship to me is being able to talk to one another, converse deep feelings and dark secrets. Trust one another and never suspect betrayel in any factor. Everyone I had ever grown fond of and considered a good friend drifed away from me and never looked back. Occasionally sending me a message online saying we should hang out but I was stuck too much in my own world to respond or follow through with the offer. Everything I have lost, everything I now long for has all resulted by my own doing. I tried to be the best person I could but in the end only caring about other people didn't cut it. How do you care about yourself to the point where you want to get up and do it? Motivation, determination, confidence, everything I lacked had depleted. This drought left me confused and broken and in this state of chaos I stood in the middle of the stampede and didn't try to save myself. Letting my bones shatter from the preassure, forget trying to save myself there was no way out. I sat at the bottom of a well; cold, dark, damp. My hands gripped the cross around my neck and the frost covered cement wall. My cries were unheard and I was unseen and unknown to the world. There was no way out. A homeless woman staggered onto the bus and strutted to her seat on the back of the bus with me. I burried my nose into the book Fight Club and pretended to read, my thoughts were so scattered that when I turned the page something completely different was happenening and I realized that I missed the important parts in the book. I did that alot, looking at the words and not retaining anything. My mind could kick the energizer bunny's ass if it called for. The bus began to move through the flowing traffic and we drove through the old port. I looked at all the places I had been to over the summer and memories seem to put a faint smile on my face. Suddenly I looked in the corner of my eye, seeing a girl with a sweater trench-coat on and long blond hair. My thoughts shifted to those of my sister. The last time I had seen her she was on the verge of another mental breakdown, like all the others before this one brought her back to her old ways. I had called her two days in a row to hang out but she ditched me each time, finding something else to be more important. Drugs were deffinetly an issue again, like with my whole family. My mom seemed to be the only sane and knowledgable person in my family, she was smart to stay away from it. Our whole family had drug-abuse problems and as time slowly went by I noticed that they were drifting away, fading out, going to jail, running away to other states, decieving their kids, lieing, stealing, and I was following their footsteps. I could only see with eyes unclouded by hate, I would see it, know that it was wrong but still do it anyway with the true intention of not wanting to do it. I was being raped by my own desire, half of me wanted to be sober and happy the other half couldn't deal with anything for the life of me. We got onto the bridge and everything slowed down, I peered out over the water and saw the boats passing through the fridgid deep blue harbor. You could feel the suspencion of the bus sway from side to side as the cross-winds going over the bridge blew fearcly. I bit my lip and pressed my hand against the glass. Get me out of here... I missed Justin already though I had woken up next to him this morning in an abrupt state knowing I had ten minutes to go to my house, change, go back get Shawn and then go to school. I saw very little of him before leaving. He was beautiful. I had known him for almost six years, and I happily looked at him as my best friend, my boyfriend, my love. He was everything to me, though I did not show it at first. Looks can be deceiving but he was so kind-hearted. His stare always got the best of me, and how affectionate he was seemed to comfort my every worry. I noticed I had feelings for him because when I was drunk I would instantly be drawn to him, feeling the safest, secure and comfortable. With my luck, this would end in a short time and I would be left heart-broken once more. It always happens, and I expect it will when things seem to brighten up. Reaching my stop I pulled the cord hanging along the window and hurried off. I had stopped infront of my old house and looked into the backyard where I had spent most of my days playing by myself and with my cousins. My thoughts were interupted by the people who were pulling in the driveway where I stood, the people that now lived there. A sigh escaped my lips and I carried on through the streets and to my grandparents house. I stopped at the door hesitating as I saw my dad's van but I would tell him the truth anyway. In my mind there was nothing he could do about it, there was no way he could punish me because he wasn't around. I am grateful for the things he did for me to help me get ready for school but as for being a dad? I feel as if I am a burden and I don't exist. I hurried upstairs into my room and put the dressor against the door. Ignoring the knocking I pulled out a small box from under the rug and opened it. They layed at the bottom, the shiney, flat strips of thin metal, untouched by all hands but mine. I picked one up and pulled up my sleeve. I do this for many reasons now. My family is falling apart, I can not acheive anything, I let my mom down, I let my dad down, my own sister that I had grown so close too doesn't give me the time of day, I am ugly, I do not matter, all I do is fuck up, I am the only one who causes all of the dissapointment in my life, I had unprotected sex more than once, I smoked when I told my dad I didn't, No one every really seems to care about anything I say, the stories I tell, I feel empty, I lied about stupid things, and because I am so fucked up in the head I can't get by my own train of thought. This is what is running through my mind, and the pain, the stinging sensation is punishment. But I know I don't have it that bad, I know it could be worse, I know that I am probably only feeling sorry for myself, I know that whatever I do wont make a difference, I know that I am not the only one who feels like this. I think this all as I look up to the lue horizon swarmed with dark gray clouds, tears blurring the sun. I take in a deep breath and whisper into the cross around my neck. Deliver us.