For the first three months, everything was chaotic. I didn't eat as healthy as I should have, I was under way to much stress and mostly it was the stress I put on myself. I felt like the walls had been closing in on me as each month went by and resulting in my defensive attitude things were just too unclear. Then the doctors apointment; You know the one that marks your three months, you get the five tubes of blood taken out, and vaginal inspection. It was when she put the little microphone looking thing up to my stomach did my stomach churn. The herat beat was intense, a fast steady pace that sounded as if I would out of breath. But a heartbeat is a heartbeat, I felt no different. We got to the ultra sound and for once a small enclosed room would offer me some comfort but I think that was because Justin was with me. The woman put something on my stomach that almost seemed to remind me of a computer mouse, as she rolled it around to find the bay. There it was, tucked safely in the back of the placenta. Some ways it grossed me out but whe nI was it move, kick, punch, you know roll around like they do that's when everything changed. It's something the book said what would happen, make it seem more real. Not only did the reality of it al lhit a new sense of calmness would show in the release of my puzzled sigh. I couldn't beleive what I had done in the first three months, all the sugarI consumed. Now it was more like I was a drug addict breaking the habbit of an addictive drug; Wel lthat's what it felt like. Junk food made me happy, and with all the stress being thrown out onto me I ate all the sugar I could not even thinking about the consiquences. My mom was gone, on her way to Florida with her soon-to-be husband. I was happy for her because i nthe 22 years she has spent raising kids she never once took a vacation, not to mention she'd never been out of New England for that matter. And in the long run I was very happy, for her to be away from me. I was in a positive environment now, one with love and support. My mom was always confused how to go about the whole actual "being a mother" because when she was my age her mom was clinically insane and never showed her the affection a child deserves. Thus resulting in her care with us. (deleted paragraphs) We'll see, if I keep this outlook I'll make it. Just stay positive and when things get tough just work right through them just as hard. I ought to gratefully thank this baby when it arrives for giving me such motivation and determination to do something with my life. I feel so much better knowing i have something to live for now, three things. A future, Justin and my baby. I feel better.