It's a surprise to write in this from my last entry, I was entering my second trimester of pregnancy. It's been well; six months since then and I've already given birth to my baby girl, Availia Lynn Brady. The day it all went down, I was tired, feeling quite fat and lazy. My apetite was always on high, I ate everything. That morning was no different, wake up and eat a bowl of cereal, wait for Justin to wake up, ponder when this was finally going to get over with, sit in my room all day while Justin goes to work and watch TV. 7:30pm is when they started. Little contractions, I've had these ones before so they didn't phase me. A few nights before I had gone into false labor and was dissapointed when I woke up to the absence of labor pains. This night, I made sure they wouldn't go away. I walked through the house, up the stairs, down the stairs, back and fourth from room to room never stopping until I got bored of it and decided to eat. So at around 9pm when they were noticably increasing I texted Justin "I think it's time for you to come home". He wasn't as excited as I thought he would be, we had been antisipating this moment for nine and a half long months. His arrival releived some of my stress, though my dad was there incase anything happened. Justin and I layed down in our room to discuss the plan. Discussing the plan actually turned out to be watching TV until I felt that it was really time to go in. We let my dad know we were leaving, grabbed the hospital bags, the car seat and off we went. I beleive the time was 12:00am. The ride there was calm, and even though the contractions were bothering me I didn't show it because I knew if I showed the pain now I was a wuss because things were only going to get worse. On the way there a cop pulled out of the old jewlery store on route 1 and followed us for quite some time. In my mind I was daring this cop to pull us over but I forgot not all cops are like the pigs in south portland. Though he did follow us for quite some time he eventually turned around as we entered South Portland. The hospital wasn't always a nice place to go. I felt stupid as we approached the counter and told them I was going into labor, they looked at me doubtfully but non the less retreived a wheel chair. Justin was quite dissapointed they didn't let him wheel me all the way to the birthing center. I swear, even though I stayed there for a few days I will still never learn my way around that hospital. They checked my vitals, some stupid on call nurse was kind enough to scare the shit out of my by saying I did a bad job on my diet considering I had gestational diabeties and I was almost tempted to throw something heavy at her within my reach as she continuously checked on me. My mom and sister arrived to offer some comfort; I remember telling my sister earlier that I only wanted Justin to be in the room. Nothing personal but I wouldn't be able to deal with more than one person I really loved to focus on, that and the fact that I knew the nurses were going to harass me to push and that was gonig to piss me off. They stayed for some short time, sipping their coffee nervously but soon went home to try and get some sleep before it all happened. By 2am the contractions were worsening, conviniently I got the tub room so I tried out the neat looking jacuzzi. Little jets on the side, a nice big roomy tub filled with moderatly hot water was comforting. Minus them actually using the jets, even now I think it's all just for show. I stayed in there for maybe twenty minutes, and beleive it or not it did help the contractions for a little bit but as soon as I changed into those stupid gowns and layed back down the pain continued. Around 3:30 I was gripping Justin's hand as hard as I could the pain starting to get unbarable. I remember my face getting a little sweaty trying to hold back the painful groaning. They happened aruond every minute and the moniter they put on my stomach made me look like I was an earthquake, the needle making mountains upon mountains of humps on the thin sheeted paper. The nurse re-entered with a solution to my pain. I had already expressed earlier my high dislike for needles but a morphine mixed with something else shot was the only solution for me to get as much sleep as I could. Now a shot, we've all got one of those before, a quick sharp pain and it's over, sometimes I wonder why I make such a big deal. So I grabbed Justin's hand and closed my eyes. The second that thing entered my skin it felt like the stuff she was injecting into me was deteriorating my muscles. I gasped and refrained from biting my lip off of smashing my head. Instead I was left out of breath with big tears swelling in my eyes. I felt so childish. Justin said he'd never seen my eyes get so big. After a few minutes of trying not to cry I began feeling the calming effects. Not soon after Justin and I began to drift off to sleep. About 4am. Two hours later I awoke feeling a little better but still having contractions. I ordered some breakfast; Rice crispies, milk and some fruit. Justin made a few phone calls to my family and his and by 9pm the labor began. Now it's all very unclear to me what happened, I was running on two hours of sleep and I was exgausted for some reason. I just remember before I started pushing I was yelling from the pain of every contraction that I got, I could remember listening to my painful cries echo through the two-door exit to my room not caring if anyone could hear me or not. I requested the epidural, out of desperation to aid my horrible pains. By the time I started pushing (or my body started pushing) I was fully dialated and the pain meds could not be administed. I paniced, if it was this painful how much worse could it get? Now with a contraction occuring every minute or two I slept peacefully between each one disregarding anything anyone said. So for four hours I was only half cohearent. I remember the end. I happened to glance i the corner of my eye at a small table on wheels covered with a blue paper thing. I remember panicing, the one thing I feared the most is being cut so the baby could get out. Justin tried to comfort me by saying there was nothing on it, and I beleived him even though he was lying ( I find it more amusing now than before). I would push for ten seconds three times then stop. One of the nurses would incourage me to push again but I seriously had no energy left and it wasn't so much that it hurt it was just tiring. Then my body started pushing on its own when I pushed, if that makes any sense and she kept telling me to go one more. I remember being too tired to be pissed off. The novicane needle was injected to where the baby would come out and I started to like hyperventalate because I knew she was cutting down there, I could feel it but the thought was making me want to throw up. Justin was so great, he kept telling me; "You're doing such a great job, it's almost over" I focused on his voice only and responded with a meek "no". I remember what I meant though. No as in if I was doing such a great job she would already be out but my ability to explain that was a bit off. I remember the final pushes, Justin was holding my hand tightly, I was gasping for air, the nurses were yelling. Suddenly there was a release of preassure, I opened my eyes to see Justin cutting the imbellecol cord, blood squirting. One more push and then she was out. I felt happiness through the releif and exgaustion, I heard her cry, I closed my eyes. She was 20 inches long. She weighed 8.8lbs. She was born at 1:20pm and she was nothing but a beautiful replica of Justin and I combined. It almost wasn't real for a while, everything was over and all I coudl really do was lay there and watch through clouded vision. They gave me some oxy something and after a little while I was awake. I think it was Justin who put her in my arms first. I coudl barely hold her up, and I was almost not aware of the people flooding into my room to see me. I don't remember being moved to another room. I remember a few things after that. Being in the room, everyone telling me they were proud of me, how great of a job I did, how good Justin did, people wanting to see the baby. Justin's mom harrassing everyone to wash their hands, Justin's mom not letting Justins older sister Heidie hold the baby and Justin who watched over the baby for a while and then to me. And I remember the wheat dinner role, the first thing I had eaten since it happened and it was honestly the best thing I've ever eaten in my life. I think by the time we were going to leave I ordered some more but they were out, I ordered them out of dinner roles. Haha. She was a little yellow, Jaundus. Something that has to do with her having a different blood type than mine and my blood cells fighting hers. They were concerned, keeping us there until Sunday afternoon. Those first few days were unnerving. I didn't sleep, I could barely walk or go to the bathroom, when I stood up I couldn't breathe. Breastfeeding was probably more painful than actually giving birth (doubt it but). They woke me up every two hours to feed her, Justin changed her diapers and there was some rest. I sat in the back with her on the way home, freaking out at any little thing that was going on around the car probably making Justin more nervous than he already was. The nurse said I could have anything I wanted when I got out of the hospital so the first thing I got was a Cafe Mocha from Tim Hortons, with more hot chocolate than coffee. Man, it was delicious. THe only thing that left me unsettled was the fact that Justin went in the "Do not enter" part of Tim Hortons. Haha, I love him. So it's been.. A week and a day since we left the hospital and I feel a lot better now, mentally and physically. Though I shouldn't go around saying this but childbirth isn't as bad as everyone says it is. It's a painful in the moment kind of thing but thats all. As for Availia, I've never had so much fun. The lack of sleep doesn't phase me and she is not collicky at all. Though she gets gas pretty bad and I feel bad because I can't do anything about it beside push on her little legs a bit to help releave some of the preassure but other than that the only thing she cries about is the carseat, thats probably because the asshole nurses tried to shut her up when they were putting her in because she was screaming crying. The woman I'm staying with was tempted to hold me back from knocking the nurse out as she pinched Availia's cheeks to silence her. Instead of violence I stared at her with narrowed eyes until we left that part of the hospital. She likes to feed a lot and I would have to say breastfeeding is the best thign to do even though it's probably the most painful thing outside of actually delivering the baby but it goes away eventually. They nurses at the hospital called her a "hoover vacuum" and with that I'd have to agree. Availia sleeps in the bed with us, well I sleep between her and Justin for fear that Justin will crush her in the night, not intentionally of course because he could sleep through an a-bomb going off. It offers me some comfort and I wake up when Justin moves too much on the bed or whenever she moves so pretty much wake up whenever she does. Justin didn't have to go back to work until the end of last week. It's hard, even more so now than it was when I was pregnant. I notice this Post-Partum depression but to an extent. It makes me think about death in a way I never thought about before. To the point where it makes me sick to think about it. All the bad things that could happen to Availia. How much I miss Justin when he's gone is the worst thing. I sleep when she sleeps, or I try to but sleeping a lot also makes me depressed. It's much different from regular depression because no matter how sad I get I'm always spoteful towards Availia. She'll cry sometimes because of gas, and not let me sleep when I'm really tired by staying awake but I don't get mad at her, I don't get frustrated or angry or anything because she needs me and I need to give to her needs whenever she needs anything. Hah. It's fun! Changing her diaper. She pees after we take her diaper off, Justin has been fortunet enough to get hit with projectile poop! Haha, she is a big pooping mechine. She's had doctors apointments, I don't stay in the room when she gets her blood taken, even if it is a heel prick because I can't take it. How I feel when I get finger sticks is just as worse as getting blood drawn any other way. I'm a wuss when it comes to needles though but who cares. Justin holds her while the lab nurse takes her blood. She hasn't needed anything since her Jaundace has gone down but this week we have yet another apointment. It shall be fun. It's nice to have my body back, a boost of self confidence. The big boobs aren't really anything, I don't look at them the same anymore, they're more like bottles attatched to my body and I don't plan on showing them off even though Justin finds them intrieging. Heh, again, I love him. Well that sums up my life so until then I get to be a vegetable and lay around all day with my baby and wait for my love to come home so I can be happy. I am always happy, for Availia, for Justin and for the first time, for myself.