She sat alone against the ran-down white apartment building, a cigarette pressed tightly between her lips for just a moment. Her eyes scanned the horizon of what she could make out in the darkness, hardly any stars to look upon in the dreary and cold night sky. Her head turned a bit to peer into the window where three boys sat in the happiness of their intoxicated state staring distantly at the TV. She however, doubled over from time to time as the alcohol burned in her empty stomach. So much marijuana had been consumed in one whole day she could barely stomach it herself. As she went to leave they gave her a dissapointed goodbye and she quickly went off on her bike. Suddenly everything began to get hot, she struggled to keep her eyes focused on the road infront of her, intoxication began to warp her mind into so many different places. Infront of her was the bike path, she managed to stay on it until it came time to turn and things turned for the worst. Her balance had been completely thrown off resulting in her crashing the bike directly into the pole and having the narrow bars and tire spokes crush her body. For a few minutes there was no response, she could only lay there and recollect what had just happened and as soon as she did she sat up then pushed the bike off in an angry mannor. Despite the cold temperature looming around her she still felt hot, her forhead damp from sweat. Then the unexpected nausea overcame her control and she turned her head to throw up into the grass beside her. Stumbling to her feet she felt alone and humiliated, not by anyone around her but for herself. A constantly occuring conflict replayed in her head about finding other alternatives to feeling better. In her case the only way to cure depression was to self-medicate and that's all she had known. Everything in her life however was taking a turn for the worst. Cutting had been tucked aside and intentions were to discard the unhealthy habbit however depression had increased to the point of loss of control. There was a point in her life where God had come back into her perspective, and someone who she had grown fond of as well. The two together for some time helped her keep out of trouble but not too long afterwards they both drifted away leaving an even bigger void in her heart. She sat in awe of what happened, looking in the car reflection she noticed a gouge above her eye as the blood snaked down the side of her face. She wiped the blood off with her sleeve and walked her bike the rest of the way. For some time the bike was used as support to her walking, everything outside of her tunnle vision spun at rapid speeds. The lights were off at her grandparents house and for a moment a wave of releife passed through her but as soon as she walked through the door the two white puppies flew through the kitchen and right at her feet. Last efforts to keep her balance relied on the counter as she ripped through the medicine basket to find the ibeprofen. Attempts failed as she fell onto the floor. Her grandmother rushed into the kitchen to see what happened but she managed to cover up her fall for playing with the puppies. She wandered into the computer room where her grandfather started talking. The words he spoke did not make sense to her at all, she stared with the most blank of looks. He continued to ramble gesturing towards the phone then the computer and she nodded, pretending to understand what he was saying. She was at this point, or how her friends would say it, train-wrecked. She could handle being high, and she could handle being drunk but not both at the same time. He looked at her concerned for a moment then got up and into the kitchen. She fell back into the chair and glared at the computer. Three blurred moniters sat infront of her and she seemed to chuckle in amusment. Before she had time to even fuss with the computer the light-headedness returned. She remembered vividly running up the stairs and hearing her grandfather yell something about her father and once she reached the top of the stairs she collapsed in a heap of exghaustion. Crawling the rest of the way she managed to turn on her light for a brief moment to take her hoodie and shoes off then fell onto her bed. In her last waking moments she remanised on all of the good times she had been having these past few days and smiled. Then as she thought of him, the boy who had almost saved her, she had fallen asleep with the most loneliest of emotions. Escape; Another bottle cleared The world is at my feet Another happiness found Depression plots in its defeat These are the moments When I truely feel alive No need to mope and strive Can't walk, can't talk But like a bee safe within its hive Confidence is evident As I stumble as I glide Anything is relevent When my balance seems to collide A spinning fun house Entertainment at it's best Slow down and stop a minute Catch my breath, catch a rest Cold and lonely but all judgement gone I'm as happy as I'll ever be These are my friends, they see as I see And I am not wrong Drop the weight from my shoulders The stress and problems Crash down as boulders Just a shot more of thee At last I am free And in this state of mind I can find the hope to say Everything is going to be ok Cigarette, cigarette Where art though One drag of you And I'm in heaven I don't know how But you help me through The most frustrating times I couldn't ask for anything more Anything less Just a treasure from the chest Put my patience to the test Releif comes only in your form Happiness never feels this warm Smoke flowing through my lungs Never felt so good With an intoxicated gesture Yet, we are not through And in this state of mind I can find the hope to say Everything is going to be ok Such a potent plant Within a paper shell Light it up to forget this hell Calm my nerves As you always do Helping me chill Helping me soothe I am giddy, I am happy Comprehension means nothing Nothing means anything Everything is going to be okay Just as I have enough To get through this day And anything you say Is amusment enough to me I'm as happy as I'll ever be Because in this state I am free From the grip of worry From the pain of the past Memories that haunt me Nothing seems to last Loneliness is locked away The bigger we roll it The higher we get And the higher we bet The stakes get when we come down I will garuntee a frown Or probably all zoned out We are alive in this state But this is all I want to feel And in this state of mind I can find the hope to say Everything is going to be ok Hesitation blunts the mind As they crush them up I am too tempted to decide Make a line, long and fine Along the table I will unwind A few seconds agony Is an hours wourth of you I am weightless and wide-eyed But there's nothing I can do Inside I am spinning Outside I am laughing Midside I am winning Soberside I am dying Paralyzed with tranquility I float around on clouds And have a good time Lets all dance around And while we make no sound Nothing will eat at our minds Swim through the sea of intoxcity You wont ever feel a thing This wont hurt but my ears still ring Sniffle, drip, not for long I am so happy and I know you're wrong Coming down depleats energy You're screaming in my head Making my body want to burst The only solution to this coming down Is the quench the crushed up thirst I am happy but I know this is wrong I can change my tran of thought Just as easy as looking away The ability to keep the sad thoughts All away Keep them away Forever And in this state of mind I can find the hope to say Everything is going to be ok We hold eachother close I couldn't help but stare into their eyes Conversing back and fourth About whatever we please Ideal situations make me at ease The passion flowing through our lips Hands gently caress the face We find eachother and forget our place Finding comfort in one another I feel so safe and warm So beautiful and clean Nothing means the same to me In the distance our hands are held And as time passes by our hearts weld This is when I feel most delight Better then any drug, any liquor, any pill Being loved by someone else Is more then just a thrill To me anyway But this is the only way I can live Without the escape Over flexible and on their time I will sit around and write Content in my boredom Patience is a might Affection shown at first sight I can't help but smile In their eyes, in their light In their precense, in their sight But in the end they were always wrong Leading me on for so long Getting bored, just toss me away Getting over someone Who helped me through the day Let go of all the words we might have said The feelings build up but now they are dead Hope is shattered completely And this is the state of mind That causes me to find The escapes that give me hope Because with the loss of love I know no other way to cope Oh sober mind you haunt me so I can't remember when Not too long ago When you weren't so bad But I remember How we were always so sad But now I have to keep you away Waste money each day Happy medication is perscribed Through every method, every way Inhale and ingest the worlds best Escape The only word The only way To escape the mind Of the lonely and jaded Of the confused and angry Of the depressed and hopeless And in this state of mind I cant find the hope to say Everything is going to be ok -me