I stood outside and let the cold take all my body heat until I shivered helplessly. The stinging sensation in my limbs left me content on the outside. In my mind I was screaming. I was gasping for air, and my cries were only heard by the one who cared the most. He had gone home not too long ago and I was alone once more. Nothing could explain my emotional state, so many reasons for it and the one that was eating me the most was a horrid thought to have to live with everyday. It has been almost two weeks since I have moved back in with my mom and already I want to leave. Two weeks ago I called my mom to talk to her and she said all my stuff was on its way to her house and I would be staying with her. The thought of having a home where I would be comfortable in was actually comforting. Now, two weeks later I realize my mother's true intention. She had said something about it to me but I never thought anything of it until now. I was here so she could get more child support money. I asked her tonight if Justin could stay if he didn't have a ride home, I told her I would sleep on a seperate couch. She could have just said no and I would have understood but instead she went on and explained how I went a long time without rules and boundaries living with my dad and now they needed to be enfourced. She said she was trying really hard to make it so her last three kids would not go down the same road my sister and I have gone down. Of course she added in that she didn't want me to think I was a bad influence. I could see where she was coming from, and I wasn't upset because I wasn't getting my own way. I don't know why I am so upset so I sit and continue to think. And always in the end of my thoughts I am overreacting. I have no reasoning so bve upset and it's all because I am a hormonal teenager. But still the pit in my stomach resides and I want cut the pain away more then I ever have before. Fighting back the tears right now is so hard, and as I try my head pounds and my eyes water. I resort to biting my lip and eventually it splits, I am distracted by the metallic taste in my mouth only until I realize that the cut is not that bad and then my thoughts continue. The only time I am free from this agony is when i am with Justin. I keep trying to tell myself, in time this will pay off. I don't find the justification in time, knowing my purpose in this house and knowing the only reason I am here is so my mother can get money and so she wont look bad. I cradle my knees with my arms, rocking back and fourth on the soaking wet pourch, the rain drizzles onto my neck but I still dont' cry, I don't scream or react. I just stare helplessly into the blurry oblivion infront of me. I want to die now. The lump in my throat exeeds the limit and my fists clench. I dig my nails into the palms of my hands and breath heavily. If no one can see me then I am okay. When I turn 18 my purpose will be gone, I will be tossed aside like a paycheck stub and this time I will be all alone. This is how I have felt my entire life. Alone, scared, and not enough seratonin to get me through the day. So I resort to insanity, no one witnesses it, and I am drowned by thoughts. No one, alone, forget. I need the will to work through this. I pray for the stregth to get through this, I pray for freedom and I pray for the determination. And I pray that someday when my mom looks back she will feel the guilt. In her mind she has done nothing wrong, she is a perfect mother. I am the reject, I am the disobedient child, I am the emotionally disturbed, wourthless dropout who only cares about herself. And this is why I hate myself. This never ends so all I have left is to pray.