The day was like any other day, the constant search for weed or something to keep them from being sober. She desired it more then she thought, her mind racing through any way to get money, even if it involved stealing it. They obtained a few bowl packs and finished it off in the base of an hour, she felt releived of her hangover and felt calm once more. The awkwardness with Justin seemed more then she could handle, though he was content about it she was speachless. She tried as hard as she could to act normal but inside her mind was racing. The thought of a relationship was the most unpleasent thought, along with loosing Justin as a friend in the end. Relationships never lasted with her, and she had tried over the months to diminish all feelings but even when she didn't she was shot down anyway. This past loss of a friendship had been renewed with the one she'd liked but never again would she think about writing sappy poems or songs, or anything remotely close to it. She felt humiliated by the whole thing, and the words he had spoken. A stolen Thirty-wrack sat beside them as they sat on the beach. Justin, Shawn, Kim, Phil, Chris, Mike, Kris and herself gathered on the rocks to endure the smell of low tide and the oil feilds behind them. Beers were handed out and she decided against the idea remembering the intensity of the previous night. As they pounded their beers she sat alone lost in thought, the only time she had ever chain-smoked the cigarettes she rolled. As soon as their intoxication set in they pulled out the weed once more, she took to that without hesitation. As Justin's intoxication set in he started to hang around her more and sneak the oppertunity to kiss her every so often or put his hands around her waste to hug her. She had known Justin for many years and didn't know what to think of their new setting. She wasn't sure how she really felt for him only knowing and understand how he felt. However she didn't do it out of pity some parts of her were always fond of his originality and how intelligent he was but times at the moment were hard. They retreated from the beach to the garage where the party the night before took place. She laughed in amusement as the smell of herbal weed hovered through the air. They sat around for a while until Kim and Phil left and they moved to Shawn's house. She took advantage of this oppertunity to roll more cigarettes, the thought of the prices going up the next day was agonizing. The papers were filled with tobacco as she carefully rolled each cigarette, Shawn sat beside her making fun of how she did it. They argued for a moment until Carl showed up and put in the movie "Shark Tails". It had been, by far, the dumbest movie they'd ever seen, in her opinion anyway. Midnight, she now had a curfew in which she was to be home by. Walking outside to grab her bike she noticed Justin walking in her direction. She smiled in his greeting as he bent down to kiss her. He pulled away and looked at her. "Will you go out with me?" He asked with an emotionless face. She didn't know what to say and out of habbit she shook her head to get the hair out of her eyes. "No?" He asked with a bit of surprise. "No, no, I didn't say no, aww." She bit her lip in complete lack of words. "Give me some time?" He smiled and stood there shaking his head. "I like that answer better". She pulled him forward to kiss him once more then with the goodbyes she hopped on her bike and rode away. She could see Carl anxiously waiting for Justin and she knew Carl was greatly dissapointed. The night she walked both Justin and Carl home while they were completely and utterly drunk Carl blurted out that he had a crush on her and seeing his best friend make a move before he did, she felt at fault for this. In all honesty she wanted to pack her things, get in a car and drive as far away from this town as possible, run away to another country. She wanted to escape, feeling completely trapped in her own mind. So much confusion and chaos. She knew Justin would expect an answer sooner then she antisipated but she needed a lot more time. She had finally found her place amungst her friends, regardless of their negative influence. Where she could go to Shawn's everyday and hang out with him, being only his friend and not having to worry about sexual tension. On the way home she had her headphones on max and singing the lyrics outloud knowing anyone could be listening didn't really phase her. If she had the oppertunity she would ride her bike until that CD was over and then go home but the curfew was final and she was already pushing her limits. The feeling that created a pit in her stomach had only two cures, intoxication or cutting. She was sober, and was oblivious what to do with herself. She went against her own rules, old habbits die hard. Sleep would be uneasy tonight.