last night. very interesting. i went to the dance show. it was fabulous, our school has so much talent. the people i knew in the show were awsome, i just wish i had a chance to tell them that. most of them left without a goodbye and thanks for coming. it just seems like no one wants my support, they dont care that im there, i dont exist. or maybe im just making myself think this, if so, no one is going to help me get out of it, which is the worst part. no one understands me, i dont even know myself sometimes. i hate when feelings come back that im not supposed to have, it makes me feel like i shouldnt be feeling them. but there is no one out there to tell me its ok. so i beat myself up over everything (not literally). ugh damnit why does being a teenager have to be so emotional. i understand that things get better. but i wish things didnt happen for a reason. i havnt figured out why certain things have been going on, if this is true. maybe ill never know, or maybe it will take a long time. and yes, men can cry. its better to do it more often i found out, ive been holding so much inside of me that it finally came out and i was hating myself for doing it. but i did nonetheless. i didnt understand if it was appropriate or not. i was so confused and stressed and everything else that i had to just fall apart. and fall apart i did. whats worse is that i feel completely different today, and i dont want to, i dont want to feel like it never happened, and i no longer have what i had last night. its so crazy, i cant describe these things. life is really messed up in these years, and i dont have much guidance. i still feel like im behind everyone else, in many things. and i dont want to overreact but thats what happens sometimes. i feel like i have no control over my mind. im still wondering why im letting people know this. probably because its about time, i should show everyone all sides of me right? thats the right way to go about things. and...i know someone out there can relate to me, i may be unique, but not completely. it seems like i dont have any true friends, because ive moved so much, hence the life of a drifter, not just in status but literally. sometimes i wonder why i was chosen to lead this life...but cant we question? is that not what life is meant for, discovery. i just dont know why so many things now are so hard to discover, it seems like it will take forever to set things straight. im feeling this is too deep, no one is going to understand this....ill just stop, and save myself the ridiculing. thats another thing, i have no self esteem, but no one is willing to put it in me, so im just left in the middle.......