yeah....where do i begin....i cant. i just saw garden state with two good friends. my mind is open now, and im in deep thought, i cant help it. im thinking about 10 different things at once, so its hard to get it all out. i too feel like ive been homesick for one that doesnt even exist. i hate moving, and im finally done moving, for now, but i cant grasp the concept of home, since, ive had a home all over. come to think of it, ive never stayed in one place for more than 4 years. and, in two more, it will be 5 years here, but, i have to move again, college. i cant even go into that now, i still have to talk about whatever it is im thinking about... so....i took some advice. i stopped thinking about love. i stopped wanting that feeling, wanting someone to hold and be with, that abstract thought of hapiness with a feeling in your heart. and now.....i can have it. but i dont know if i want it. its not that i dont like her, i dont think im ready. ive never been the relationship type, its always just been the in love feeling. i still havnt talked to her about how i feel. i dont want it to seem like im leading her on, im not, i do like her. i also feel like its too soon to get into one. but i want someone special to go to Homecoming with. this year, will finally be right. freshman year was interesting, complete stranger, but we became good friends, along with a side dish of me liking them for a year. ugh...and then last year, my date found someone else to go with. so, i experienced a dance, for the first time, not being with someone, even a friend. i felt alone. i dont need to ask this question since many experience it. but that day i felt alone amongst hundreds of people, even my closest friends. but i didnt really have close friends then. im going off topic. so, i also think its too soon between my last relationship, which was wierd, and my fault. and i jumped into it way to fast. which is what i dont want to do now. honestly, i didnt really like her, but then, over time, i actually fell in love. i want that to happen with this new person, but, i dont want to try in case it doesnt work. i dont want to hurt her, i dont want to hurt myself. i think back. i like being single as much as i hate it. its freedom, and its pain. i hate that i only like the thought of love, and im scared of actual commitment. i think....i just dont know. thats the thing. maybe im just not ready. i already said i would wait a few weeks, to see if this would really work. i dont want to say no now, but i kind of dont want to see what happens at the same time. i got a fortune cookie a week ago, it was ironic. it said something like you are given the oppourtunity of your dreams, say yes. how random was that. wierd i feel like i could write forever. another thing....ill move on from what i was talking about, i dont feel right saying it without the other person knowing first. i want to see where it goes, but i dont want her to hate me or whatever. i feel like its my fault because for the first time, i said i had a thing for her a while ago, and now i have what i wanted, but, i dont feel comfortable. moving on.... marching band is different i dont have the drive anymore i cant make people better, they have to do it themselves i want to be respected, but i want to make them do it right. ther just doesnt seem to be enough time first football game was last friday i sucked i didnt care my chops hurt, so i didnt play my mind was wandering and i was out of step most of the time. i still didnt care. i feel too much regret right now. i dont know how to end this entry......i dont even remember what i said or how it began, and i dont want to read it again. im only 16, i shouldnt have to worry so much about life, it hasnt even started.