well hey maggots its like 11:00pm im just sitting in front of my computer thinking..... about everything and everyone.... what im thinking is wow what a waste my life has been.... im 15 years old and the only to good memories i have are riding around with mike smashing mail boxes and me and melissa's first kiss thats all. humph.... i hate to be me my mom doesent care about me all she does is bitch at me and yell and shit i just block her out. my dad HA! hes an asshole left my mom when i was like 13 fucking cock sucker he moved to PA and married some jewish preppy bitch that never had to do any hard labor because mommy and daddy bought and got every thing shes ever wanted...! then my dads 49 he had ANOTHER KID! david.... i guess for the star of david.... hes like 3 now my dad was like 46 something like that when he knocked his bitch up. then my brother.... the first time i met him is when i was like 3. then i met up with him again when i was 14. we have been talking ever since then but we really cant see each other that much because he lives all the way in college park maryland... hes to busy with his 4 kids his wife and his tattoo shop.. so ya... then to top this all off im emotionally empty i dont think i can really love anything its had to give love when youve never been loved. but its ok every things fine in my little world i dont need love or emotions im happy with my emptiness thats just what im use to. melissa im my opinion is the greatest thing to ever happen to me i think all 3 of my friends would agree.... hmm.. this world is so hard to live in now its just so hard to consume for just one single small person on this desolate dieing planet... but like i said i have one great thing in my life and she knows who she is... then kyle.. kyle to me is like a brother he understands me more than any one else i know. mike. mikes cool he might not always be there for ya because hes to busy playing games online.... but w/e hes really cool to hang out with.... then geoff hes the fun one of my friends he can draw the most psycho ass shit ever but hes not good to go for advice or to help you any thing because hes a dumbass.. i bet your all tired of hearing me bitch about my pathetic little shit hole life... but you can shut the fuckup ass hole theres so much on my mind but its to much to type... i hate so many things in my life like the fact that i will do something as stupid as carve a girls name in my arm.... but one thing i dont cut im not a big fan of cutters so you know.... and another problem i have i worry to much... like right now i think there some thing wrong with my relationship with melissa but im problem wrong but i know im right see what i meen i fucking stupid.... ive missed out on my childhood i haven from 10 to 30 something in the past 5 years its so gay never had a good childhood like i said my mom was a bitch and was never there for me... i was always on my own did everything for myself. i could of had more emotional support from a brick or a fucking dead battery.... i could kill myself and the only people that would come to my funeral would be kyle if he had the time off work just to see me get dumped in to a hole because my cheep ass mother wouldent even care she would problem just make me some cardboard headstone. HA! see fucking asshole its funny ive taken like every antidepressant pill out there but nothing has helped me! ITS SO GREAT!! its like im on fucking sad pills or something like that.... all the time thats how i feel i might laugh every once in a while but thats just because something funny happened but im always sad all i wana know is if theres a way out. im not even thinking of suicide... its pointless i would rather be shot down in a drive by then kill myself well hell that works ill just go stand out and the middle of street behind my house and sing very loudly I HAVE SEEN THE GLORY OF THE TRAMPLING AT THE ZOO IVE WASHED MYSELF IN NIGGERS BLOOD AND ALL THE MONGRELS TO... you know the rest i wont have to worry about anything i would be dead in less than 30 seconds.... but know one would miss me i would fade from everyones mind and it wouldent take that long either…. sadly im going to bed now and im sure after reading this melissa will think im some psycho freak depressed suicidal jackass but i dont care i can live with out love like i said its hard to give out love when youve never experienced it first hand... goodbye. For now. But i can only hope im wrong. every time im with her i change from mr. depresso to some what happy and i feel diffrent its so strange the way just being around someone that you actuly can care about but is realy hard to... 8.13.04 i cant wait for that date to come up in 3 years becuse i know that day in that year will be true becuse im going to open up whats all been locked inside for the past 3 years of my life... fealings...