I need to vent, my worst and old nightmares are coming back to haunt me again, I don't know what happened, I don't know how he snapped but it happened, yes. It happened once more. Alot of people who used to read my entry when I first started here a while ago knows of my younger half brother, Mathew. Yes, Mathew. He's 17 years old, not 16 not 15 not 10. But 17, he's got a girlfriend who he is going to visit in may, yes may. -Ache ache- Last night, yes last night..he blew up when my little cousin had one soda, just one single soda and threw the biggest fit ever known to man kind I swear I thought he was going to stab someone with how he was screaming and stomping around like some little baby. I went in and found out what happened and things lead to things, I'll admit, I may have gotten abit too worked up from it because Mathew had no right to scare my little cousin like that, but I find out while going pee ..hehe, uhm that he's lying to his g/f on the phone..okay? He's over doing things calling me the bad guy, telling her I did this, and I did that which I really didn't. I just told my cousins that if he ever hits him again to just..go to their aunt and uncle. I really don't know why he took it out of the truth like that, to make himself look like a good guy to his girlfriend? The sad thing is, I know I have a temper but I've kept it down really well over the years, and Mathew can't control it. He's nearly hurt me and my older brother, his younger and older brother too from it. But no one cares, no one seems to notice, I'm sick of it. I can't wait to leave and move off somewhere safe, somewhere, where I don't have to hear this anymore..everyone is excited about him leaving in may, This morning I was just being silly, I was singing loudly to the sound the phone was ringing to and Mathew stomps in yells at us for not answering it, one, We didn't know who it was, two it's not like he wanted to answer it either, he just wanted to come in and start a fight. So me being stupid and yes I know it was a bit of my fault too I started to hum it again, and I swear he said something like "If you don't shut up I'm going to break your face in" x___x wow talk about violence anyone? I can't wait till my boyfriend comes here and just takes me somewhere away from here. I know I'm asking for a bit too much and being as old as I am I should be more mature, and I am to a point but when someone threatens my older brother and lies about me and him behind our backs..It's just..pushing my little buttons too much, I wish I could tell his girl just what she was getting herself into, but that's a bit hard when she'd probably turn against me with all the trust she has in him..so I'll let her learn the hard way and everything. But..Yeah Me and Mathew aren't on good terms anymore, I don't like his lies about things that happen in here and I don't like when he talks about us over the phone adding in his own little stories to make him look better.. -Sigh- I hope a truck runs over him and he is never able to reproduce and no one loves him. (Okay that's a bit too harsh, but I need to vent.))

Christmas this year was so sad. no presents under the tree to make my child like eyes light up, but money is always a good thing right? Mostly when you know how to spend it the same exact night. Buying all the How to draw manga books you can m/ YEAH! Anyway, Hope everyone had a great christmas I know I did. :D My boyfriend bought me the bunneh off Gravitation, ever see that anime? No? I suggest you watch it if you don't mind the man x man thing. -Squeals- End!

I haven't been in a relationship for SO long. Finally once again I am in one. Now I will say for a fact this boy makes me exteremly happy, He's got a good sense of humour and not to mention good looks xD but he's sweet too. Which is so hard to find all together sometimes. No offense boys. : Anyway, I'm really happy to have him and can't wait to see him. Life's really looking up after all this time, With all the hardships I've been through while gone in the past year..I think that's saying alot. I will no longer look down on life and think about what should have been and could have been, I will learn from my mistakes and make the best of it. I am looking foreward to more happy entrys and such. <3

...I haven't posted here since last year. How crazy is that? Life's okay. Been in and out of relationships. Lost family members because of time and age and sickness. Last time I posted here I was only eighteen years old, now I'm going on twenty soon..How time flys by huh?

I've been in the hospital for a while, because I was well.......anyway. I'm getting better thats all that matters, Lifes not looking up and it's not looking down on me either, it's somewhere inbetween where it just stares straight ahead. I'm confused about life, this is the point where I decide things for myself, I don't think I'm ready for this. I don't think anyone is really but I don't wanna grow up and figure out what life has for me because as closer and closer as it gets the further and further I wanna get away from it. But I realise I can't run away from everything, I can't turn around and walk away like I always did, this is gonna be my start of life. And I'm gonna have to accept it, good and bad. Such is life. Such is shit. Owari.

Times in matter are all the time we need, like broken flowers and withering trees. What a great life is planned out, what will you do with it? Your plans aren't what I intended. They aren't what you're supposed to be, so change your ways or get out and leave. It figures something like this would make me stupid, make me feel like I'm just another outcast. Though being so far away isn't anything that makes me hate myself anymore then I could have already been. Everythings set, everythings broken. I won't go I won't stay. I won't run away. If I feel like I should leave I'll tell them goodbye, see you never. But that would just be me hating them deeply then the fire and earths blueish reds sea now wouldn't it be? I guess I'm tired of waiting for something to happen, tired of letting people slip away. Maybe it's my turn to take a stand and my turn to make it how I want it to be, no more being pushed around to please. I am my own grand chaos, my own raging sea. Owari.

Today, like any other day starts a day that I want to forget rewind the words that were said remain in my head, sink down into my heart and cause me to wonder, Am I such a failure to I make you cry so much, to watch your pain makes me laugh instead of fighting against the urges to relax. I'm falling into the hole that was once covered by the happiness someone has stole. No one can truely be happy for me with what they don't know. Empty egg shell waiting to be held, waiting to be told, it's okay to crack, it's okay to go. So hungry, so tired, Having nightmare after nightmare can make one think, sleep isn't the best thing for them to be doing and wander into the night. I miss the days where I couldn't remember anything, where everything was just a fast blurr, If I could go back I'd smile more laugh more defend, pretend, love hate, feel and save. I miss, I miss nothing but what I've never had. Owari

.It's been a while I can barely remember half the things I have put in this diary, half the things I have said spoken done. .I've been slightly depressed and don't care to hide it, hiding it only hurts more then showing it to the world. .It's not so bad really, I've found a sad life in RO, where all I do is spend it there, I love the people in it I do. .Besides that my home life isn't well, my father and I never spend time together, maybe it's because I never let him, it's always the same old same old, he blames me, I ignore him he gets angry and I walk away. .The stepmom is still around, but I would much rather have a real family, not soemthing half and half of which was never mine to start with. .But it's good to hear from someone how awesoem you are, how wanted you are. It's mostly good to hear it from someone who doesn't know you well, doesn't know what you've done but knows you're you. .And thats all that matters. .Someone actually thinks I'm awesome, no one's ever said that to me, no ones ever cared to get to know me, or like me for who I am. .Or maybe they have and I haven't given them the chance?. .Either way, my older brother is doing fine, he's getting better but still slightly in the zone of hoping to get better. .Maybe after all these months I'll realize, writing here isn't so bad after all. Owari.

.Somehow over the many years life is looking up, stress is lifted and parted it's ways, sometimes life is damp but it's no where near how it used to be. No where near all the pain and suffering I endored. .Finally for some reason I feel free and alive and well on my way to doing something good for myself, I'm not sure what yet but it feels pretty good so far to where I'm heading in life. .I have a friend coming over friday through sunday, maybe that's half the reason why I'm happy, I haven't seen her in about two years and shes coming over, now that's a good friend, I missed her. .We're going to have pizza and fun and beer okay cross out beer but whatever. I plan on making her stay enjoyable as well as my own time spent with my friend. .I'm really excited like I'm a little girl again, but truth told I'm far from being a little girl, and so close to being insanely insane in the good way. <3 Owari.

I draw a lot.. on the computer, I don't draw on paper anymore, I find it wasteful and very aggervating.. now drawing on the computer at least you can erase soemthing without getting stressed.. Right? Right.. but make sure your hand can take the stress you're going to be putting on it X3 Ugh.. anyway.. I'm only updating because I'm bored and I just wrote yesterday.. But Lulu left early blah blah blah.. she's always telling me to go to bed.. haha.. >=3 Oh well. I'll go to bed around five this morning seeing it's almost two..more fun more fun.. I can't wait till I turn 18 ! -Lies- Man I don't see what difference it'll be from any other year..I'm still the same person..with the same family..and the same..old..friends who still care about me which I believe is only moon momma..I can't wait to get out of this place.. I can't wait! Owari.

So it's been a while, I've went to the doctor today and found out I've got a small case of..uhh.whats it call..Broncidous? I hate big words v.v; Anyway..yeah..so whenever I have thoes random attacks where I can't breathe I have to relax but tomorrow I get my inhaler.. Whoohoo.. I've been dragging on a lot of things lately like why, oh why is it that when I try to be nice to mym father he pushes me aside and why oh why when I'm mean to him he's pissed off at me and hurts my feelings? I mean when I'm mean to him all I do is Ignore him. Oh's well..oh's well.. I'm healthy other then my breathing problem.. Well and my sleeping problem.. Hehe..dogs are being loud..gotta love it..-Sighs- Well I'm off to go RP with Lulu still..and so close to 18 why is I still feel 12? Owari.

Is to let someone swim in my pool of tears. Yeah I'm such a whine bag only when I'm alone, all I do is cry and curl up on my bed and pull the blankets over my head and pitty myself beyond believe. I'm tired of my dad picking on me, I'm tired of Mathew all together, I'm tired of my friends not being friends, always busy. I'm tired of not being able to work for a living because no one wants me. Soon that should change in less then three months. I'm tired of not sleeping. I can't sleep anymore and it's driving me up the wall, I can lay down and sleep for an hour but that's about it, and I want more then an hour can give me. I'm tired of crying, eating, breathing, hearing, seeing and being alive. I'm just so fucking tired of it, it's pathetic. Owari.

I'm sick as hell, always sick as hell. Though no one cares, and I hate doctors, Blah. I'd rather suffer then go to one. Let's see something interesting to talk about here. I hate everyone. Don't know why I guess it's a weird mood, I've been working on this puzzle which is pretty awesome it's keeping my mind busy so I won't be doing anything I shouldn't be doing which right now I'm so tempted. I wanna cut, and you know what, I could care fucking less if the whole world knew about it. It's comfort and that is something hard to explain to anyone who thinks otherwise. SooooooooOOOOOOOoooOOOOOOOOoo I'm actually thinking about going to the doctor soon to see if I'm dying or not. I'll be happy if I am. Then I'll just come home and shoot myself in the head to end it all. Bleh.. anyway I guess that's about it for now because I'm bored and want to go back to my puzzle. Owari.

Amazing how we can be in so deep and then suddenly somehow get out of that deep hole we've been sucked into. Though I know this happy thing won't last for long. Money, is one hell of a evil thing to know you have. Yeah, we finally got the dads settlement I guess because the adults went a bit spend happy while they were out this morning and bought everyone some coats. That's let's see.. five kids.. two adults.. seven no eight because they bought me two, and a stuffed horse. Ahem..what that was all about I don't know.. But the dad did wake me up telling me ' I got you horse while I was out.' Tired me of course always know's his tricks and lies. ' Mhm...' 'Really we did, I was thinking of you and then saw the horse and bought it.' Remind you I had just woken up from less then three hours of sleep. ' So..where's my paper horse?' Then he shoves the stuffed horse there and told me ' If you take care of it, feed it, pet it and love it, and it's still alive in a few months I'll think about getting you a real one' Har dee har har. How lame and funny was that? I'm surpised I didn't chuck it at him, but actually it's kinda cute. Now I haven't asked for much of anything and my birthdays coming up in April. I tried talking to the stepmom about letting me go to Missouri for a week ALONE mind you. But she went off and changed the subject on me like it meant nothing to her. Now I've never asked for ANYTHING on ANY of my birthdays sense I was 15 years old. When I hit 15 that was the start of NOT having birthdays and not caring. But this year I want to go to Missouri, all I wanted was a bit of cash to ride the grey hound because people,I'm not driving down there and wasting my gas, and let alone having to PAY for the gas..that's a bit much, mostly because I don't have a job yet, but I'm still looking. Anyone live in Denton, Maryland o.o; And know of a good job I can have let me know ><' But yeah.. I'm going to try again and again and again to go to Missouri, I will be 18 so they can't tell me no. It's just the fact of getting the money. Heh..they can surely tell me no to the money..damnit.. v.v' Oh well.. That's why we have grandparents,eh?.. at least I know mine will question me to no end.. then question me more and then if I say all the right answers.. maybe..maybe.. uhm..yeah I'm babbling.. I think I'm done. Owari.

Sooo..mhm.. Not sure about anything anymore, one day the adults are pissed off because we could lose our house, now everythings back to normal? What's going on..? Why doesn't anyone tell me anything? And tell me why my stupid dad has to be such a fucking pervert?! CAN He go one day without doing something rude. 'Crystal wanna feel my egg nipples?!' 'Crystal, my ass is frozen.' I ask him why he feels he has to tell me these things and he says ' I just figured you'd care' All sarcasticaly may I add. And just to let him gain a point ' Yeah right..'. Point gained to him, Point lost from me. I'm hungry.. eating Ramen all the time is making me sick, but I continue to eat it I don't care if eating ramen could kill me if I don't eat anything else, It's good, it's only five minutes to cook on the stove and did I mention it's yummy? Bah.. I've started to give up on drawing, I'm just not in the mood anymore, and cutting. All these lovely scars are just what they are. Scars.. Mhm. I haven't cut in a good while..not with what happened last time.. Cut too deep, ripped the skin up and let it hang off my arm..Sounds good don't it? It wouldn't stop bleeding for about a day..or two, just opening and closing you know.. just to tell me to stop already. I have.. for now. Uhm.. Something good to type about..is.. -Looks left, looks right - Well that's hard to say.. I am an Insomniac, everyone here knows it, I'll stay up till five or six in the morning go to bed sleep for a few hours wake up around nine or eight and then take one or two naps. Lulu always sometimes calls when I'm napping and it gets me all confused. But I'm always online half the time, Waste my life here because I still don't have one, can't find one. I will someday though, someday soon bet-cha. now I'm going to go eat because my tummy is growling at me. Owari.

I've had a headache forever it seems.. it's been going on for the past week or so..I have headaches just come up and attack me out of no where, I take pills after pills after pills to try and make it go away, but it always comes back no matter what I do. Sucks to wake up in the morning and have a splitting headache. But that's not the point of this entry. Nah, the point is life sucks then you really die. We're losing our house, we are losing our land, we are losing everything because of some fucktard messing everything up for us. We have to have a yard sale, I have to get rid of a lot of things I love just to help keep us here. I can hear through the wall to the parents bedroom how the stepmom was crying to her mother, I believe it was her mother about something or other. I knew it was about the house. I was told a few days ago that if we didnt get money soon we'd lose the house. Their threatening to take it away from us when it's not our fault we can't pay. My dad hasn't got his paycheck because they for some reason stopped sending it. So now we have to hope they give us time to get the money together. I must say good bye to my stuffed animals, to some clothes, to whatever else I loved and adored. But it doesn't matter anymore. Maybe some nice little kid will come and buy them from me and take care of them. Ahh...Oh well. As long as we aren't living out on the street, I'll give up anything. That would just rain on my whole 'Trying to get life together' deal. I type to much I know but I stay away from here for days until everything comes together and I can get out a good enough entry to amuze you lovely people, you. Sometimes I wish I could speak as well as I type, but I just am what everyone calls a loser. Hm..My buddy will be online tomorrow night.. so everythings cool, even if I lose everything my buddy is always going to be around to cheer me up. Because I've lost everything but her. Owari.

I don't feel like updating but what the hell right? I have things to say anyway. Life is stupid. Yes stupid. I cut again. Yes cut again. How much of a loser am I? Very much one. I broke a promise to a friend and at least she forgave me, well I bet she will till she calls me. Oh yay. No luck on jobs, fucking figure. THe aunt wanted me to baby sit and spend the night and 'she thinks' she can pay me. I told her no. Made some true lame excuse even though I wanted to tell her to go fuck some drunks some more. Stupid slut.. She could have married a wonderful man and had a nice life, she's close to 50 and she has two kids and she cheated on her husband to be. He left her again of course. But he loves his kids. Their brats but whatever. I mean..god.. -_-; I hate her with a passion for all she's put me through. Ugh.. Anyway.. Owari.

Mothers piss me off. Just because I've never had one doesn't meant shit. It's the fact they leave their children because THEY can't take care of them or they CAN'T handle it! What the hell is with that? Someone I know took their sisters baby because SHE left it to them! I mean just up and left. No word no nothing. She doesn't keep in touch. What kind of coward is that. A coward like my mother, no. My mother wasn't a coward from what I understand, she was a bitch who like to beat me. Though I guess that's a different subject. It just pisses me off to know some MOTHER would leave their child like it's nothing. She wasn't raped or anything so she had no right to leave the baby. NONE what so ever. I respect mothers who love their children. I hope to be one of thoes mothers someday. I want to have my children remember who I am when I die not just some bitch who left them for dead, or didn't want them. Whats wrong with us women? Why have we sunk so fucking low to abandon a little baby into someone elses hands?! Though I agree'd to help them baby sit the kiddo when they need me while still searching for other jobs.. It pains me to see someone so small not even know whats going on. Or even who their mother is. Brings back one to many bad memories. I'm done venting. Mothers out there I'm not pointing at you who love your children and care deeply for them. Just the ones that think they can just forget about something so fragile that they brought into the world and throw it away like trash. Owari.

I was talking to the stepmom and the day is NOT going well. We may have to move again, and this time into a boat house. Lovely huh? Ppssff.. I've already lived in a damn boat house as a child and I hate them. I'm tired of moving. I'm tired of this family always getting fucked with money. I'm tired of this whole fucking world. Just keep smiling about it and it should be okay. I missed a call from someone, do you know how many people I used to know with that one name that was told to me?! And when I hit re-dial nothing came up. I couldn't get through. This is is just started and it's not getting any better. I'm getting stressed out here and my hair is already falling out. I'm going back to sleep now. This sucks. Owari.

This is december first. I'm making an entry finally. Thought about doing so for a while and then just forgot about it. No one wants to hire a no experianced worker. Maybe I should just try working at a Mcdonalds for a while. Anyway. I have nothing improtant to speak about but I'm still here. I've been sleeping a lot, that's why time goes by so quickly now. I'm just lazy I guess with nothing to do. I'm getting tired of everything, of drawing of trying of just getting out of bed. I say why get up when you're just going to be going back into it at night? Well.. I'm more of a night person.. I stay up from about noon till five the next morning.. bleh.. makes time pass by quicker so.. it doesn't matter. That's all. Owari.