Hey fuckasssss. I haven't been on this site for a very long time. I thought I grew out of it but then I realized noone grows out of talking about feelings. Sadly. Thats why there are so many fucking emo kids. I went to europe, worked all summer, and now I am in my final year of highschool. I have become a dietholic. It's only safe to say here because I know noone I lknow reads it. I feel so fucking dirty because I had an oreo today. I overate quite a bit today and it's just way uncool. I feel like i'm gonna die.Tomorrow is sunday which means water and lemon juice all day. :) Anywhooo. I'm on myspace too, where i'm quite a bit cooler, and less honest. http://www.myspace.com/xdesire

Europe in 95 days. Holy shiteyes. I've decided what i'm getting scarred, now just to do it. I've also decided if I get my desired shape i'm going to pierce my navel... four times. Which I won't. But I can wish. Apparently i'm going to Cali next summer for a whole entire month. To broaden my horizons. I say otherwise, but that's only me.

You're so intense I get the sense that you are just a dream You evoke emotion and utter devotion that hide deep inside of me A gaping hole turned into a soul lest my senses forget You left me room to grow and soon I cherished the day we met

March break is being good to me I needed the time off. I want to stay off though, I don't think I can handle going back to school.I am sick of it. I can handle administration and I have never been the kind of person to blast someone higher than I because I can always think of the consequence, but I can't take the routine any longer. I'm having trouble being at home even though I just got the room I had always wanted and my space- I just don't want to be around here but I don't want to be doing anything extravigant. Other then that, I can't complain.

There's just something about you, the way that you exist, an image of true beauty and a model of true faith. There's something in your words that confesses a certain purity, somewhat of a morale that makes me wish I had your ability to turn something vile to gold. You make me rethink my small mistakes, the changes that i'd have to make, the steps that I would have to take, to repair the part of you that came unglued that has started to break. If I continue, you will be susceptable to the consequences of my pain. I could never jeaporadize your beauty for my own personal gain. ---------------------------------------- I do very muchly love Maria. She is my princess. Yet I worry that I might bring her down in the process of my mental growth. I have to be careful, to make sure it doesn't happen. My 'friends' have grown distant in the placement of pain and fallacy, but the only word i can apply to that is 'whatever'.

Somehow my mind was contorted into believing that I need another person to make me happy. I'm not lonely I need affection and I can find that in love and in lust. If this love thing doesn't work for me... then too bad. There's always lust to fall back on. I mean, I would much prefer love. I would much prefer to have Maria back and be able to hold her and love her and have her at my advantage. But that image is fading.

I spoke to him today, apparently his life is weird. I'm glad I did because now he's expecting to hear from me, I don't know if he put on a happy front but he seemed happy to see me. Maria was upset today,too. I don't know why because she didn't tell me. Nobody tells me anything. Me and Steph had fun today though. It's hard because of everyhting i've heard of her,though. I'm solonely.

Wow, this song makes me feel so hardcore lesbionic. It makes me want to kiss a girl. You know, I am one for kissing girls, because they can kiss better. It's a matter of fact. And it's just so much hotter. It makes me feel hot. Maybe i'm a lesbian? Ha, no, I still like the penis. But that's all most men can offer. I mounted the angel in victoria square downtown today. He was very large, as he is made of stone. It was quite indecent for public eyes but it makes a great picture. Anyways, drink me up.

My dad woke me up to confiscate his laptop so he could go to my grandfather's. He is out of the hospital, so naturally my dad is going to spend the day with him, while working. I saw Alice yesterday. It was fun. Then I went to Maria's and spent some time with her, it was nice. We very rarely just stay in and hang out but still I didn't bring up what I need to know. The fact remains that I can't pressure her. It still kills me to know that she would have gotten back together with me to simply make me forget about the Andrew kid. Shit, man, I can't even think about these situations without an agonizing sense of hurt. Then I went to the Japanese steakhouse with my family and ran into John and his new girlfriend Isabelle. She seems nice, but I felt a little awkward, and maybe a little jealous, because he had no trouble moving on when he told me that he cared incredibly much for me and BLAH BLAH BLAH. But the world is not about me and that is something I forget on occasion. Well, at that moment. Anyways, I need a five or somehting, all this stuff just blows my mind. I need to blow it all by myself. I talked to jen! I miss her incredibly much. I'm so happy she's coming back, even if it's only monday. Wow... I'm off. I sound so emo and preppy in this entry. Fuck ME.

I am incredibly tired, even though I slept more than 3 hours more than I should have. I found out that I have no idea how to dramatize objects that are non existent. But whatever, that is of no importance, I doubt one day someone is going to ask me to move an imaginary refrigerator OR ELSE.

That is so not a mood. Anyways, i'm so sick of you girls. I hope your brain cells fall out of your head as previously seen. Speaking of which, desperate housewives, which is my guilty pleasure of tv, was a repeat. That ruined a perfectly terrible week. School was alright, it was just me and Jenna. Jen isn't coming back this week because she has a bunch of meetings. I miss her. Alyshia wasn't there either. Alyshia is such a big part of my life, you have no idea. She is my best friend, well the best friend I never had. I mean don't get me wron, I love Maria with all my fucking heart, but Maria can't be mellow like Al in certain situations. I don't even if Maria wasnts anything to do with me anymore, she never calls back, she hates to kiss me, and she doesn't want us to be together. She says she doesn't know so that automatically means shes having doubts which makes it no because it's been a solid 6 months, at least, since we were last together. Fack. Anywhom, I am in distress, Ala later.

Your lips spread like wildfire I'm too whole to feel the heat Of your body burning up Or to feel the rythm of your pulse There's nothing in this world more centered Than the two of us I am nothing short of in love with this lust.

So, I'm feeling alright. I'm fucking bored though, but I got the hottest boots in existance. That makes ME hot. I'm supposed to go out today but sadly Maria hasn't called me yet, which means we aren't going down to St-Denis, which means I have to go another week without a cigarette. Which pisses me the fuck off. Well, not really, because i'm feeling outstandingly indifferent. Jen is coming back. I know none of you knew she left but I miss her. And so is Jenna. We shall be a square once more. <3

I am disguised as the girl with no words Portrayed as the mime with no feelings I have fallen captive I have been robbed Of my definitive sense of being. There is no need for lust Or everlasting love I have no needs Having been decieved There is a lack of trust. I have no name No personal gain No inferior sense of self.

I need to get out of here. If I don't. i'm going to do something stupid. I know, I know the feeling, I know the need. It isn't a want. If I don't get up and leave within the next twelve hours I will be dead, no joke. I am going insane. Things aren't bad with people, things are going bad in my head. I feel nauseated like i'm going to throw up words. I hope I don't because that would be detrimental. I can't cry because I need to save up all my energy to pull off some magnificent getaway.

I have been dealing with a lot of reoccuring stress. I had exams today but a lot of crap is happeneing at the same time. I fear i'm becoming delusional, if i'm not already. Last friday was great, it was like Adriaans in May all over again. Ha. My heart is corrupted

So, i'm feeling kind of miserable. It doesn't matter though. I went to the gym today. I didn't like it much, my mom wanted me to go. School was boring. Yesterday my little sister went missing, and my mom found her near a garbage in the back of her school. Shit was I fucking scared. Anyways. I don't know what to talk about. It's so pathetic. So i'll rant. I feel like taking off all my clothes and listening to powerful lesbionic music and drinking and smoking. I haven't smoked pot in like six weeks. Well, almost six weeks I think. It's fucking pathetic on my part, anyways. I'm going to party friday IF I can. Jenna's friend Luke, or Matthew, or something,

When your best friends four year old sister is getting more action then you, with a boy twice her age, you know there's a problem. Anyways, today was a long day. nothing much happened. I need a special friend or I may combust. Maria wrote me this sweet email, like she used to. Sarahs pissing me off with her pagan wannabeism. Reading books and playing ouiji don't make you pagan. I try but i'm too stupid so I tell people i'm interested in paganism. Then she made sport of it with my english teacher. Whata dumbness. Fuck. I am too easily irritated with too many things. It kind of makes me angry.

Please lover, don't hide I'll stay until the night fades I'll help you count the stars That lead to paradise I'll hold your body Until i'm carved by your decieving blade Where i'll bleed out Still, love will seep out Our sounds will still be heard Nothing but a loving word Breathing in unisson My nails are digging in Blood stains on flawless skin Dry lips to commit a bloody kiss We are the perfect sin.

Okay, so I wrote a letter to Zui (SG- www.suicidegirls.com) and she actually wrote me back. It made me incredibly pathetically happy,even though it was about five words. I spent the night at Marias, it was okay, exept 1. she refused to see my friends 2. she refused to return 'favors' when I strained my back and 3. she got back together with me and then cancelled it. I'm getting over it. Tomorrow I plan on buying a gram or so for just myself, so i'll feel better. Shit. Resolutions: 1-More party 2- Less complaining 3- More physical 4- Less mental 5- More acceptance 6- Less dependance 7- A book every 2 weeks. 8- Personal project- decide. 9- Find the defenition of happiness.