I don't want help. I don't need help. All I need is a fast ending. I am in a rather progressive state of numb. I fear that I will wake up tomorrow morning. I don't know why I am this way. I used to be able to write out pages and pages of emotions, line after line of the same cry for help. That means of attention deemed me as an attention whore, a drama queen, depressed for social creditability. So here I am right now, with noone to talk to, nobody that I want to talk to, fighting the urge to blow my own head off. I want to hurt myself, somehow, but the people that care about me would be too hurt. I don't want to see them hurt. I'd rather just die, and not watch them hurt. Thats why it's so difficult. There are people around me that I do admit care about me, enough to want me to not be sad but not enough to want to help me. This isn't even a depression anymore, it's some type of vile disease that inhabits me and makes me incoherent, completley vulnerable to every word. The atrocity is that my friends and family are so completley used to it, it doesn't bother them. Which is better for me, it means less time being interrogated. Is it so much to ask to just fucking bleed? Yesterday in science my pinkie went numb. It was an incredible sensation- I wasn't expecting it but it felt so weird to not feel. It overcame the other half of my hand,I jabbed at it all day. Apparently, thats what codene does. I want to try some of that stuff. Anything, even something that makes my body set itself into such a neutral state. I'm supposed to try LSD and goth knows what i'm going to do at the Misfits. I mean, I do need an addiction to have a problem right? I just realized i'm quite content with noone understanding my state of mind... I kind of like living in my own obsolete world.