You know what hurts the most? The fact that no amount of change, no amount of realising all my past wrongs and regrets and no amount of wishing i could go back in time will make him come back. There is nothing I can do to make him love me again. There's nothing I can do to make him hug me. I said I would try before, I did. And I guess it turned out to be a lie, even if I didn't think it was then. But god, Sean, I have seen life without you, and I don't want to see it anymore. I will, don't worry, I will see it, and I know I will get over you, even if it takes me 20 years... I just don't want to. And right now, nothing would comfort me more than seeing your face. Hearing your voice. I miss him more than I have ever missed anyone in the entire world. But that's life I guess, and I have no choice but to go on living it. Tonight I'll go to a friends house and watch young love that isn't mine and hopefully i will gather the courage to not be tempted by self pity. I should be happy that you "seemed unusually happy". I should be happy you didn't get with anyone at the party. I should be happy for you, if I do love you at all. And I do. I love you so much, and if I can thank you for nothing else it can be for the fact that you showed me I am capable of love. And, deep down, I do want you to be happy... but on some other level, perhaps on par, I don't know, I hate that you can be happy without me, when I feel so terrible without you. You said to me once that everyone has something they wanted, which if they had.. everything would just fall into place. I still don't believe that's true. But I do believe if I could have you back, knowing what I do now, I would be happier than I have ever been before. And you're the one thing I know I can never have again.