newwwwwwwwwwwww diary. http://www.sitdiary.net/scarsxstories/

okay, it's been a fucking long time. i just am so tired of thinking about all the shit that's in this diary. like ryan, and depression, and my sister, and everything like that. so i just can't do it anymore. i'll prolly make a new one. but right now i'm just really really uninspired. i got my snakebite piercings. which is good. but anyway, so if anyone wants to get in touch with me, my email is make_me_your_mannequin@hotmail.com. the end?

well i'm just a big ball of insecurity and depression today. i don't know why. i'm stewing in it and i'm not being a very good friend right now, but what can i do. maybe shut up. and i really should. i should be silenced. i feel like a good long cry right about now, but the tears just aren't there. when's the last time i really cried. maybe when i had those pills in my hand and i was too stupid to take them before mom and dad came in. jesus christ what's wrong with me. i can't breathe, yet i can't stop. what's my problem. what am i suppose to do. every day feels like i wasted everyone's time. i mean, im a big joke.. a big mess of a joke. and i dont know what i'm suppose to do about it. i wish that i could just be happy. just smile and not worry about anything. just make other people happy. make them not have to worry about me. make them feel better. i hate this. i hate how no one understands, and no one ever will. i bring down everyone i know. i cant even think right now.

I haven’t written in here for a really long time. A lot has happened. I went and met what’s his name to give him his math and shit. And I hate his eyes. This week has been hell, even though I turned 16, and had a stellar birthday party. I guess I’m just a pessimist. My mom actually bought me the video camera I’ve wanted since like semester 2 of grade nine, which is awesome. even though they shouldn’t have gotten it for me, since it was so much money. What else. I’ve been majorly sick lately. I had to get more medication for the cough I had. My throat killed me. My french teacher is the devil, and I’m going to fail that class. I went on a field trip on my birthday. It was actually boring, but oh well. My friends decorated my locker and it was awesome. It was early dismissal on wednesday and I went to my sister’s. we watched the family guy movie, met a crack whore, ordered a shit load of food, and smoked up. All in all, it was an excellent day. Then my birthday party was insane. My friends came and got me, and we walked to my friends house, and they had actually made me dinner. It was amazing, and the cupcakes were so good. then we just hung out and drank some rum and vodka. Then we needed to get more pop and left and when we got back, there was like, 30 people all in front of giselle’s house, and around, and we were like, what the fuck. So diana got them to leave and the fucking cops came. So then we talked to the cops, even though we all had a buzz, and they wished me a happy birthday and left. So then we went back inside. And drank way more. And went to meet Josh who brought more drink and weed. And then we got so fucking high. It was hilarious. Anyway, it was the best birthday party of my life. So that’s pretty much what I’ve been up to lately. School is hard. What’s His Face sucks,. Because he is so confusing. I talked to him today, and I just don’t know what to do. I wish I never met him. period. The only thing I know for certain, is that he’s a liar. And that pretty much sucks.

My life is so confusing. i don't understand. i fought with ryan, and now we're not fighting? i don't know. i hate typing about him. hurts alot. the cutting is back. and worse. i don't know why i ever stopped. i also burnt myself with a car lighter, which felt awesome, but killed so bad after. My parents know. which sucks. because i know what they think about. they think i'm crazy. and i know i am. it just sucks they realized it. Good things have happened this weekend thou. Friday Giselle's Birthday Party. i starting smoking again. had a joint and some drinks. Saturday I went to a fucking hedley show, and i touched Jacob Hoggard. Hugged Tommy and got some awesome pictures SundayWent to Giselle's. Hung Out for a couple of hours. talked to ryan on the phone. then today i talked to him again on the phone for like 2 hours. i'm such an idiot. i feel so suffocated by everything. like school. friends. family. money. birthday. everything sucks i wish i could just disappear. i have no reason to be alive anymore. .want to put my tender heart in a blender..watch it spin around to a beautiful oblivion.

I Did It Again It Felt Amazing Cutting info 1. How old are you? 15 2. How old were you when you started cutting? 12 or so 3. So that would be how many years? dunno, its been off on 4. What did you use the first time you cut? scissors 5. Was there any specific event that caused you to cut for the first time? Not really. Just really stressed. 6. Have people seen your cuts/scars? Yah. But only close ones 7. Do they say anything, or ask you about them? no one really noticed 8. Do you try to hide your marks from people? yes 9. Do people you know get mad/upset when they see your scars or cuts? Mad and upset. They think im a freak 10. What different tools do you use? razors,scissors,knives,glass 11. What areas on the body do you mutilate? wrist forearm shoulder 12. Do you do any other self mutilation? Burning, bruising 13. How many scars do you have? A couple real good ones. 14. Do you regret starting cutting? Not really. Sometimes. 15. Do you intend on quitting? Sometimes I think I will, other times, I never want too 16. Are people trying to make you stop? yah 17. When is the last time you cut? yesterday 18. Do you have designs? And X and a Heart, but the heart is really faded 19. Have you ever had cutting parties with fellow cutters? No that’s fucking stupid. Like really fucking gay. 20. Do you have any pre- or post-cutting rituals? I rub the blood around. Sometimes let it drip. Then I clean up. Hide the razor. 21. Do you put on any certain music when you cut? No. 22. How do you feel after cutting? Nothing. That’s what I like 23. Does cutting really help you? yes 24. Have you ever contemplated a suicice involving cutting, or slitting? yes alot 25. Are you receiving help for cutting? yah 26. Do you like the blood? yes 27. Do you take special care of the cuts to avoid infection? no This or That 30. Razorblades/Glass: Razorblades 31. Blood/Pain: Blood 32. Scars/Cuts: Both 33. One deep slice/Lots of minor scratches: Lots 34. Arms/Legs: Arms 35. Stomach/Chest: Chest 36. Pins/Tacks: Pins 37. Hide them/Show them off: Hide Them 38. Suicide/No suicide: No Suicide

school has been shit. absolute shit. and now i have fucking hives breaking out all over me. i feel trashy. i know me and ryan are over. and that my friend thinks we're not going to be friends for very much longer. Fuck. life is bullshit. absolute bullshit. i think i need to start cutting again. i have to search my mom's room. find the razors. and cut. because im sick of it. School is going to be stressful. Ryan is stressful. Boys are stressful. Friends are stressful Therapy is stressful. Prozac is stressful. Family is stressful. Urges are stressful My Life is stressful. and i'm fucking sick of it. Maybe i need to stop trying. Maybe i need to give up, try to kill myself again. Cept, do a better job. Last time was bullshit. Sad thing is, i was alone in my room. dark room. imagine my mom walked in. with me blue on the floor. what would she have done. probably been relieved. i would if i was her. I think i'm done with my friends. well the one group of them. they are fucking trash. literally. they had this plan to wear their collars up in the picture, and no one fucking told me. it's because they all have the same lunch but me. but whatever. they are all retards and fucked up. and i had my collar up anyway, because it's like Elvis. Fucking sluts. what am i going to do with my life. i don't know. i really don't. i'm just one big fuck up anyway. a fucking loser. with no chance for a life. no chance for love. no chance for anything but sitting at this computer and wasting away. i wish i could just change things. i'd make myself beautiful. then i would erase Ryan from my life. i'd say, "ryan you are a patheic, disguisting, ugly, skinny, stupid, racist,loser with bad teeth and i wish i never set eyes on you." that's what i'd say. but i can't. because i need him. i know, it's stupid. but maybe things will work out. Also, i could never ever say that to him because i know he is just a stupid boy and it's my fault i let him in my heart. and the worst thing, i have no one. no one at all. my friends are fake. fake. fake. fake. fake. fake. I just don't know what to do. it's not like i need anyone. i don't need friends. i don't need love. i don't need anything really. i mean for a long time that's all i had. really. then she gets upset i wouldn't go to that stupid thing with her so she can see her boyfriend. well i'm sorry, but fuck when you hung out with me and ryan you had a fucking boyfriend. he didn't JUST dump you 2 weeks prior. fuck you. i mean how fucking callous can you be. expect me to fucking want to go. it's not my fault. fuck you. fuck you. you fucking slut. Jesus. i'm angry. so fucking angry. i wish ryan was online. i swear i'd fucking tell him off. lol. nahh, i'm glad he's not. i went a week without talking to him, and i'm actually over him. i think i am. bascially. i mean, i don't want to be in a relationship with him because i care about him. i just want a boyfriend. and i just want to do stuff with him. so i know i don't really care about him. I have to change my tech course. it's too hard and i'm the only girl in it. the rest of my classes are okay. i like english even though i have a bullshit fucking teacher and french is going to be so hard. ahhhh. hardness. lol. what else. Tomorrow is going to suck, because it's gunna be awkward with her. but at least i'm seeing the Used and Alexisonfire. then again her bf is gunna be there. which will be awkward. i mean, im not being a bitch but it's hard NOT to think about ryan when they started going out the same day me and ry did. then ry breaks up with me and they continue going out, even though she acts like she doesn't care about him. and i mean if it's for my benefit fuck off. cuz if ur relationship goes no where, she'll blame it on me and resent me for it. god i should end it here. cuz right now. im just ranting and raving. See, I dont know why I liked you so much I gave you all, of my trust I told you, I loved you, now thats all down the drain Ya put me through pain, I wanna let u know how I feel Fuck what I said it dont mean shit now Fuck the presents might as well throw em out Fuck all those kisses, they didn't mean jack Fuck you, you hoe, I dont want you back

im so torn, like my mood says. am i an idiot for doing this. being a stupid slut? or is it just play. is he gunna think less of me because of it? or realize he wants to be with me? i don't know what i'm doing anymore. the things he makes me do. i feel like a slut. but i mean, i didnt really do anything slutty. i just mean, i feel like he's just using me and leading me on. and he probably is. he wants a friends with benefits type thing. is this going to hurt me more? or many am i going to get over him by doing this. I'm such a retard. ugly whore. god i'm so desperate. why? well no guy has wanted to be with me before. so i fell, hard. didn't i? or am i just trying to hold on to the whole 'having a boyfriend' thing. do i even like his personality? i mean. do i even like him? WHY AM I ALLOWING HIM TO DO THIS TO ME? i even told him. "no i dont hate you, and that's what fucking pisses me off. i can't hate you. i can't get you out of my fucking mind and you don't care at all" i don't know what to do. i am so stupid. i should try and move off cept i can't even think about anyone or is that because i don't know anyone else. omg. i need help. and i have no one to talk too. everyone thinks im a retard. for talking to him. for liking him. i can't talk to anyone. they all judge me. i can see it in their faces "why is she still putting up with him" I DONT KNWO! god im only 15, and im acting like this was some important relationship. wasn't really. other then the fact hes the first guy who i liked that became my boyfriend. lol. and i just want to hate him so much. now i understand that three days grace song. Intoxicated the edge is serrated, so easily torn from the core I blushed the first time, but you blushed the last time my eyes in your mind Regenerated these feelings of hatred, I long for your love evermore You built me up and you broke me down this time

long time since i posted. sorry. lotza things have been going on. especially with the boy formally known as boyfriend. we're friends, and i don't know what's going on. he confuses the shit out of me. it's like he still likes me, but he breaks up with me, and excepts things to be the same. so, i don't know. *sigh* i got over the whole break up pretty easily. i mean, i barely cried. only when i talked to him on the phone. then talking to him pissed me off. then that turned into resentment and bitterness. then i talked to him on the phone and bascially came to a point of indifference. where i just didn't care anymore. Now, i don't know what happening. cuz he says he's still going to take me out for my birthday, and he still can make my western fair fantasy come true. and then today, i said, "i've finally come to the conclusion, we're never going to get back together" and he says, "we might take another shot at it" like, wtf. then i don't know. he makes me so mad. and i just want to cut him out of my life, but i can't. and then his sister said i could go to simple plan with her and him, but that's all the way in stratford, and i pretty much know it's not gunna work out. and jesus. i am just so confused. i hate guys. school is fast approaching. and i'm terrified. but i don't have math this semester anymore, so that's better then nothing. lol. and i know melissa and mark have my lunch, so at least i'm not alone for the whole 4 months. the pills seem to be working. and Jennifer said they might up the dosage. which would be very nice. i haven't cut in a while. not that i havent thought about it. just i haven't had the opp, or the right thing to do it with. a fucking switchblade won't even cut properly anymore. it's just cuz i'm a pussy. so my life is still just as messed up as ever. someone shoot me. then there's the family therapy. and who the hell knows what that's going to do. i'm just so, i don't know. stressed. best song ever - Polygraph Right Now - The Spill Canvas I wanna tear apart your room to see if what you say is true Darling don't you lie, lie to me I wanna break into your heart to see why you want us apart Oh, I'm scared to death to find out what you think of me

broke up with me in an email fucking pussy. why did i even bother. jerk. still likes me? bullshit.

WARNING THIS ENTRY CONTAINS CORNY ASS SHIT ABOUT TEEN ROMANCE Crazy few days. bascially just been hanging out with my best friend. i stayed up all night yesterday, then fell asleep @ 8 and had 5 hours of sleep..lol..i'm a crazy kid..anyway, i've been really happy the past few days, with giselle and everything..and then i babysat on tuesday, and called Ryan after. His voice is simply, beautiful. God, i hate how i've fallen. Stupid Stupid Sam. Anyway, we talked to 2 hours. like old times. then he had to go, and i asked him to call me the next day. :) so anyway, The next day, my mom wakes me up at 12, and tells me she's going outside and to answer the phone because my dad was suppose to call. So the phone rings, and i answer it, in my sleep voice, and guess who's amazing,cute,melt your knees voice is on the other end. Ryan, Wow. When this ends, it's going to kill me. So we talked for a while and i just couldn't stop smiling. I know he cares about me. i can see it in the way he looks at me. even the way he kissed me, so eagerly, and so, god there isn't a word for it. i just wish i could see him, and talk to him more. Anyway, I'm done with the romance part. I am so scared about what's going on with the mediacation, and the therapy. maybe i don't want to change. i don't want to be alone, i don't want everyone to mess up how they are suppose to be. maybe i don't want to be happy. maybe i like how i am, and how i've adapted and made things how i like them. i'm secure with how things are. why do i have to change it all now. why does it have to change. why can't i just live like this forever. it would be easier then this scary feeling of not knowing. and what if it doesn't work. what if i stay this way anyway, and i put all my hopes into it working and then it doesnt. what if it makes things worse? huh. it's not fair. it's not fair. why me. huh? what the fuck did i do to deserve such a broken mind. everyone who is in this family didn't get this. so why me? and people have lived through worse and walk away without any problems. it's cuz i'm a pussy. i'm a fucking pussy. stupid fucking pussy. who shouldn't be alive And I thought, be still my heart This could be a brand new start, with you. And it will be clear If I wake up and you're still here with me in the morning.

it's been too long. Alot has happened, since my last entry. biggest of all, i'm now on prozac. yup. they are putting me on that. which will help with my obsessive complusive anxiety and depression. it's also an appetiate suppressor. :) i went to meet the huge doctor and she gave me a prescribtion for it. Also, i'll continue my therapy, and then there's the self harm group. so it looks like im on the road to sanity. we'll see how long it lasts. i hope it does. but part of me doesnt. i dont know if ill be strong enough. and i always set myself up for failure Ryan and me, aren't as great. he bailed on me, and i cried alot yesterday. but then today, he says "well why don't we go on a break or something, i don't know. im holding you back and making you cry" which made things worse, and i was like "no,no" and so we talked more, and we are still going out and everything. i just told him to tell me how he feels more, send me emails to make me know hes thinking about me. so we'll see. i dont care as much that i dont really see him, but i mean, i do care, but thats not why i cry. i cry because i feel stupid and i cry because i don't know what's wrong with me. i just hope things get better. Scott went away, so it's just me and my parents. This summer is so boring. i almost wish i still had summer school. at least i had fucking stuff to do. i bailed on that big party. i dont give a shit. i have another on on weds. that i will go too. Melissa's bday. but i will be the only frenchie. but that's okay :) I got my hair cut. it's alot shorter then i thought it would be. here are some horrible pictures of it.

Enemy by samantha montgomery So let this night end please Let me finally rest and forget All the loneliness I feel. I want to will away all the anger inside of me I don’t want to be alone But lately that’s all I seem to be What should I do? To dismiss all the feelings I don’t want To find somewhere, where I can feel safe Here it’s like I’m always hiding Hiding in my own home Here it’s like I’m the enemy And you all want is for me to die Is that what you want Would that make you smile Because I’m working on that Each day, a piece of me dies And soon there will be no pieces left ---------------------------------------------

i think i have to break up with him. i think i do. i mean, i deserve more then that. right? i just wish i didn't like him so much. then it would be easier. but i dont want to break up with him! i like him so much, and he's the only guy who's actually wanted to be my boyfriend. but i mean, lately he acts like he doesnt. so what the fuck. i dunno. and then he bails out on me AGAIN. fucking asshole. just break up with me if you don't want to be with me. i just don't know. his sister invited me to another one of her parties, but i dont know. i mean, does she want me to come, or does he? there is a difference. I am sick. i have strep throat. and i've prolly had it since the beginning of the month, because i've been sick since then. Giselle's gone. so i'm all by myself, because she's my only friend of course. part of me doesnt want to go to that party, because, i just dont want to. but part of me wants to go, and just get so fucking smashed i forget my fucking name. forget his name. forget my life. forget everything. I have the meeting on the 8th. oh gawd. i feel like shit. i really do. i just. omfg. here comes the tears again. i skipped out on the self harm seminar. i got scared. i mean, it's not even that bad anyway. well...that's it for now. if i type anymore..i'll have a break down..and i dont need another one of those.. ------------------------------ & pens and penknives take the blame Crane my neck & scratch my name But the ugly marks Are worth the momentary gain...

A Happy Broken Heart Give me a break. stop pulling on my heart for a minute. stop making me laugh and making me cry. let me get my breath back Why do you do this to me? why do you make me so happy and then make me so sad? i don't understand you. i really don't. You promised not to hurt me. you said you never would, but baby, you lied because i'm hurting right now. i'm hurting because i'm alone, i'm hurting because your not, but mostly i'm hurting because you have no idea. What happened to us? we used to be so happy, and fit together nicely, but now it seems your upset and simply just repelling me. What did i do wrong? Did you finally realize that i'm not beautiful? did you realize that i'm not worth anything? that i'm a fucking mess. Did you finally realize that? God, i hope not. Please just come back to me. Come back, come back, because i'm tired of crying. i'm sick of worrying and i just need you to kiss me and make it all go away. Tell me i'm silly for thinking you don't care. Tell me you love me, and hold me tight. --Samantha Montgomery (me.)

it's been way to damn long. i just haven't been able to write. right now, it's 2:12. i got my ass kicked by a math test, which i could have eased through if i had of studied, or done my homework. Jesus, i'm a fucking idiot. Good Charlotte concert was last night. they rocked my socks off. Benji is so hot. and he sang wounded and emotionless by himself. soooo hot. it made me kind of sad, when they were singing their songs, made me think about sitting in the bathroom, listening to their new record, and crying in the car thinking about everything i'd lost. so, it was a lil crazy. Then there was the fact ryan was there. and he's so weird now. gawd. i don't even know what i want anymore. he bought me this ring. and it's pretty. i wear it on my pinky, cuz it's uberly small, but still. it's pretty. it was sweet of him, but then i say like, "thanks for the ring ryan" and he just shrugs it off, like, "it was only 3 bucks." i feel stupid and worthless. wow i'm worth 3 bucks. fuck you. My Final exam is friday. i must pass. or i am a retard. so yah. i can't even think anymore. Social code opened for GC. and they were Incredible. i wanted to get thier cd, but i didn't. i got a nice GC zip up instead. i can't wait for my pictures to be developped. :) i'll post some on here. Well...that's it for me... --------------------------------------------- You're floating in my atmosphere I can't breathe Took me so long to notice what was hanging over me My friends say you're a castastrophe that I can't see They've never been wrong before I was wrong to believe That you were better than nothing Better than nothing I was wrong to believe That you were better than nothing Better than nothing Your car crash habit just about killed me I let you drive me round and round Until I fell asleep Out long expired memories remind me Of What it was like before

don't leave mean comments. i just delete them. so what's the point? yeah okay, go kill myself. take your own advice and find yourself something to hang yourself with. it will make the world a better place. how the fuck do i advertise myself as that? no where in that fucking entry does it say that, unless you went back and read every single one of my 164 entries, just to critize me. get a life. jesus. Are you talking about my backround? give me a break. so, just don't bother. why don't you take all that anger and turn it inward.. thnx. --Edit everyone, why dont you tell aminordetail why she should keep her mouth shut, and that joking about suicide and self harm is not cool. seriously.

today i feel better than i did yesterday. mostly because i talked to Him today. i asked him if he was avoiding me. he said he wasn't. i don't get how i can feel so much for this guy. i mean, i hate him so much sometimes. and then i love him so much the next. it's so fucking wacked. ew i said love. i could never love. Love Equals Pain that's not something i'm looking forward too. I had my math midterm today. *shrugs. i am not sure how i did. i guess we'll see. i just don't want to fail. my brother said he has a surprise for me if i get an 80. AN 80 no fucking way can i get an 80. it's impossible. this entry sucks. Reasons I Suck. I'm Ugly Not To Mention Stupid I tend to be really selfish I like someone way too much He doesn't like me as much back. so yeah. that's bascially it. Want to put my tender heart in a blender Watch it spin around to a beautiful oblivion Rendezvous then I’m through with you ^amazing fucking song.

So here I am. Again. Jesus. I always do this to myself. You’d think I would have learned before. But nope. I’m doing this again. Fuck. I’m such a retard. Why. Why. Why. I am so lonely. So lonely. More lonely than I used to be. It’s like having a boyfriend and not being able to even talk to him makes me realize just how alone I am. I mean, this is a two sided sword, because I mean if I didn’t have him then I would complain more. Believe me. and I’d rather be with him. I really would. Because I do care about him. imensely. I am just sad, because I know he doesn’t feel it this deeply. And that scares me. and then there is this jealously I have. And that makes things even worse. Because I am just an idiot. A stupid retarded idiot. Who doesn’t deserve such a great guy who looks past this monster of a girl, and really does care. And really does say, “this is my girlfriend” you know. Who is proud of me. and I think he is. I really do. Maybe he’s scared. Maybe I should talk to him. and then there’s the other girl. Who has a crush on him and insists on telling him this every chance she gets. And he seems to like it, and put up with it. and tell me about it. which makes me so fucking sad. and scared because she is prolly prettier. And smarter. And lovelier. Hell any girl is like that compared me. so why does he have me? am I just an insurance policy? I don’t know. But I can’t get him off my mind. I can’t. and I’m not sure if I want too. Then, there is this stupid adding stress of math that I def do not need. And it pisses me off. Because I SHOULD be done it. I should have my fucking summer. But I’m stupid. And I didn’t even pass math. Seriously who fails grade 10 math. A fucking retard does. Aka. Me. Then, I have this stupid meeting thing. There’s a possibility she’ll put me on meds, or I might have to go to a “self harm” group. I don’t even think my self harm is that bad anymore. I actually think I can manage it by myself. I just need to cut a bit deeper. I mean, I realized. I need that blood. That flow of blood I used to get. I don’t get it anymore. That’s prolly why I am oh so stressed lately. Well that’s it for me. 'Cause when there's you, I feel whole And there's no better feeling in the world But without you I'm alone And I'd rather be in love with you

i wish i was beautiful. God. if only i was beautiful. i'm so flawed. so ugly. why can't someone love me? and embrace me? i am not a pretty girl, that is not what i do.