found this stream-of-conscious thing i wrote one night after something pretty crappy happend. i thought it was pretty funny. man, even when my life is crumbling i can still make people laugh. how cool am i. always on my mind how could i ever believe that i wouldnt let this affect me so much how could i ever convince myself that i had a chance with someone like you im not mad at you.. how could i be? i cant even keep my train of thought when i look at you you were honest with me i cant tell you how much that means to me you couldve pushed me out of that fucking plane and kept the parachute but you didnt. the ride home only proved everything to me once again if awkwardness was a pinata, you would be the little candy-crazed mexican birthday boy i dont know how you do it i cant figure out how everyone doesnt feel the same way i mean cmon.. just look at you! i wish there was something i could do to change your mind but then again i dont want to be a selfish bitch. i dont want you to feel bad about any of this but just to let you know it hurts so fucking bad side note: i wish i could tell you all of this in case this happend there were so many things i wanted to let you know but at the time i felt like i was in a foreign country without any money, hotel room, map, or ability to speak the language did i already wait to long? did i miss the fucking train by weeks or months? i still want to spend time with you but the problem is that i know ill be in so much pain when i do get to see you from now on for a while at least. just make me forget about it somehow. keep telling me it never happend. fuck nows the time when i wish i had a real hobby or something to take my mind off it as you can tell, my mind wanders like a fucking drunk.. but it always seems to find its way back to you. this would be so much easier if you didnt have the ability to melt antartica fuck! i went jacuzzi-ing with you after. bad idea on my part. talk about rubbing it in. bad timing on my part? bad karma? did i do something horribly wrong and whoevers upstairs is choosing now to make me pay for it? i dont know if all this is helping or just making me think about everything more than i have to. "you cant trust memories or feelings. only facts." its going to be a long night..