i can't decide whether or not to leave this diary behind it is filled with so many memories but i do like new starts and that is why i have so many journals to begin with however, this one seems to have stuck around this long, perhaps i just need to continue on with it

what is it? and why don't i have it? i feel like i'm stuck in a kids body and trying to get out i don't know how to find a happy medium to be sexy and look sexy without looking skanky i tend to feel uncomfortable when trying to look sexy and i wear multiple layers and cover up and i'm such a kid about it what guy will ever go for this hrmmm maybe one day i will just break free and feel the way i always wanted

that 2009 is going to have a lot of realizations and that i have a lot of growing up to do...is definitely one i realized just recently i'm fairly immature and not because i'm not mature but because i tend to choose my immature impulses when i'm overwhelmed by emotions also i don't let it out when i need to to just have fun so ultimately i need to learn to control my immaturity and learn to balance it out with my maturity so its all about figuring out which one is right for which situation :) i also am still working on NOT judging people i tend to do it more when i don't know them because when i get to know people...or even just hang out with them...i really do like almost everyone unless you fuck me over! i'm learning not to let mean people affect me and i'm learning they dont really need to be a hindrance in my life nor do they need to be in my life with their negativity. i also need to learn that i need to keep my job for a long period of time if in any way possible although there may be better ones out there. But when i have a job i need to keep it and learn to work my life around it or else i'm never going to be successful in my career. haha i need to stick with the positive things and the things that make my life run smoothly and i need to learn self control and i need to learn to let the hurt roll off my shoulders oh, 2009, i can tell already, you're going to be a good year for me, tough, but good. january 17, 2009

every day is just so much harder than the last i'd never tell anyone that because i hate to burden people and honestly how could they help me i don't have a penny to my name i have negative pennies actually my mom has decided to be a complete bitch and only does what she feels she is obligated to do the one person i thought would be around forever just seems to hurt me more than anyone else and just doesn't give a damn about it i can't be healthy with someone if i'm not healthy alone but i can't be healthy alone...if i'm all alone sometimes i wish i was a virgin again i wish i didn't know what it meant to desire someone so much that every other person just doesn't compare in any way possible and that you just can't seem to get enough of them i wish i didn't know that i wish this was over becaue i do not know what to do with myself anymore with love with money with school with family and friends with life i know i act crazy. i know i overreact. i know this and it's hard to control sometimes, but i try. i just get so upset when i don't feel like i'm being understood or i'm just not being listened to. and when i feel so lost like its never going to end i want it to end i really do if i could start it over, i really think i might you're not supposed to regret things but if this is where it led me..then how can i not want to try and re-do it the last time i felt this hopeless was in 8th/9th grade when those who said they loved me just weren't there for me and didn't see me anymore when i just didn't know where to turn so i turned to those who seemed to be feeling the same way and resorted to the same things i did i've learned since then, really, i have but its hard sometimes not to want to resort to those things again especially now right now when you can't see whose on your side and who has your best interest at heart if i had the guts...i might do it if i didn't think it would piss some people off...i might do it but i'm just so tired of making the wrong decisions and making everyone else mad i shouldn't want to move away again, but i do. if no one is happy with me here then why not go somewhere else where no one even knows me i used to think that i was good at reading people that i was good at seeing how people really felt when they didn't want to say or were too embarrassed to say how they feel but i don't know what happened because i'm just not good at it anymore i thought i knew you i thought i knew how you felt but you're hiding from me more and more and that's what hurts the most everything is so screwed up what have i done? fuck

enough said except it's not enough because i don't know how to not be into him january 14, 2009

January 13, 2009 this is too hard i don't know if i can be this to go from feeling special to just being treated "like everyone else" i've been demoted or apparently i've been living in a fantasy land and making something out of nothing i feel like a lie i feel so naive so stupid do all guys say forever when they don't mean it or was i just not worth it i just wanted someone or something to be right in my life right now! when im falling deeper into this hole i just wanted someone to be at the top telling me it's going to be okay and that they arent leaving until i'm safe i want to find that person who won't ever give up on me even if i'm about to give up on myself but i guess that's not how life is. you screw up and you have to realize no one is going to be there for you except yourself. i thought we understood each other i thought we were close in a way that no one else knew or could understand and that's why i never wanted to throw it away and i was too afraid to make it change but i can't really tell what was real and what wasn't anymore they seem to have melded into each other i just want to collapse but no one wants to be with someone who is in the middle of the hardest point in their life no one wants to be apart of that they only want to be apart of your life when they think you have everything figured out when you're on the right track and making something of yourself i wish it was like a switch that i could just turn off like he can today i don't care if we don't talk today i don't care if you don't want me today i don't care if i feel dead to you today i just don't care about you i can't even pretend that well maybe when i'm 21 i'll feel more grown up and more put together and maybe people will think i am i suppose this is a new start to a new year...it just wasn't exactly how i wanted to start it...alone, without a job, without money, and losing a close friend... for now i'll tell myself everything happens for a reason and maybe i'll feel a little better tomorrow

when you tell me i am when you show me i am january 12, 2009

December 31, 2008 I decided I need to be more specific with my resolutions and organize them so I can actually follow them. Resolutions: - - - - - - 1. I need to learn to accept myself and stop trying to change to be more like other people or for other people 2. I need to stop judging people that I don't approve of. Everyone has to take their own path and learn their lessons their own way just like I am and have been. 2b. This also means I need to not get jealous of other girls. I am my own person and people like me for who I am. 2c. Don't let other's cruel actions affect my attitude towards life. 2d. forgive more easily 2e. forgive myself 3. Pay off my debt completely and stay away from credit cards 4. Get a job, which I guess comes before number 3, but I want to find this job and keep it for at least a year. 5. Figure out a budget and build up a savings 6. Move on...have the will power and self control to know that enough is enough. 7. Go to church at least a couple times a month to start and slowly build. (first find a church i'm comfortable with) 8. Be able to afford an apartment by the end of summer 9. Keep busy and make sure guys come last 9b. No more boys unless it starts right and slow. Meet. Go on a Date or 2 or 3. no kissing until a feeling has been established and is mutual and is sober 10. Take care of myself first and foremost. 10b. learn to cook healthy meals so i can be healthy. 10c. make a workout schedule and stick to it. work out 3 times a week. 10d. take multi-vitamins daily 11. Once finances have been established pick a charity and give monthly. 11b. join the Make-a-Wish Foundation and volunteer 11c. be apart of more awareness walks 12. smile more :) 13. take a dance class by the end of september there might be more added on later this is going to be a year of improvements and i'm excited about it

i wonder if i just start pretending i'm completely put together and that i know what i want and i just accept my life the way that it is NOW then maybe i will start feeling and being more put together i want a job i don't want to depend on anyone for anything i'm so completely dumb sometimes lol but at least im learning from my mistakes dec. 29, 2008

i want to be dating the right person i want it to be mature and i want to be slow i want it to be healthy but i'm willing to work hard at it because i don't deserve this dec. 28, 2008

December 25, 2008 Christmas was interesting. definitely not the best, but still went fairly well For New Years I need to get my shit together its going to start with me moving and getting a job i need to pay off debt keep up with my car save save save stay healthy inside and out forget the guys and focus on the friends i need to not let people take me for granted no matter what but learn to let things go more easily i need to have more self control in all aspects of my life and lastly i need to make it a habit of going to church on a regular basis i do wish i had the/a bf but that goes against my resolutions as far as last years resolutions, i started off well but then i think it got the best of me i still could work on learning to try new things and be open to new experiences without jeopardizing my morals, beliefs, and respect for myself once i get my financial situation handled i want to be able to give more as well i want this year to take the cake to be magical in every way possible

december 24, 2008 you know when you have that ridiculous thought...it pops in your head for just a second or a minute...and you just think it would be so much easier...just maybe... i said it was ridiculous but seriously when do you figure out your purpose in life some i guess find they have amazing talents at the age of 5 and it's just not fair but me, i'm just not sure does it happen after you graduate from college? or find your career? or when you're married? have kids? travel the world? i've always liked people and kids and they just interest me but i feel like i put myself wholeheartedly into caring for others and putting myself out there (especially within the last few years) and i just don't feel cared for just one day...i want to feel it... wholeheartedly...from someone else maybe that day comes when you get married but really at this point marriage seems pointless and not even a real option anymore could i really be a therapist? it bothers me when i give advice and i feel like no one listens i know it's not bad advice ...and i know for myself i just need to experience things on my own to learn... but i just get annoyed when others don't listen to me because i just care so much when i'm trying to help but maybe i don't help...and then that is a whole other issue...maybe i won't even be good at what i thought i wanted to do my whole life! of course i still have at least 3 years until then to figure it out i guess but what else is my purpose in life? do i just need to pay my dues now and then one day it will all be paid back...(nah) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - i'm so crazy, like really. i just wanted something to work. just one thing that i could understand and wrap my head around. just one thing that i knew if i worked hard it would fall into place i'm ready to work hard again i just wanted this one thing to work but i suppose it just won't if it's not a mutual feeling and what i'm receiving...isn't a mutual feeling but we'll never talk about it ...i'm slowly shutting down... ...inside and out...

i don't want to be in chico home is definitely not where i should be i need to start my own life i'm just not sure who i should include in it or who even wants to be in it

December 21, 2008 This is my winter song to you. The storm is coming soon, It rolls in from the sea My voice; a beacon in the night. My words will be your light, To carry you to me. Is love alive? Is love alive? Is love They say that things just cannot grow Beneath the winter snow, Or so i have been told. They say were buried far, Just like a distant star I simply cannot hold. Is love alive? Is love alive? Is love alive? This is my winter song. December never felt so wrong, Cause youre not where you belong; Inside my arms. Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum Bum bum bum bum bum bum Bum bum bum bum bum bum I still believe in summer days. The seasons always change And life will find a way. Ill be your harvester of light And send it out tonight So we can start again. Is love alive? Is love alive? Is love alive? This is my winter song. December never felt so wrong, Cause youre not where you belong; Inside my arms. This is my winter song to you. The storm is coming soon It rolls in from the sea. My love a beacon in the night. My words will be your light To carry you to me. Is love alive?

sooooooo close to going home without an argument but having high expectations leaves you with disappointments i should just learn to keep my mouth shut when it comes to everything and everyone is anyone EVER available when i need them NO

i was thinking if i were to be in a relationship now how different it would be obviously more mature no silly arguments...well there will be silly arguments but about different silly things...haha oh well, who knows when i'll even get to find out does every mature and long lasting relationship have love? or does it mean you have to be "in love" and is it really natural or okay for two people in a relationship to fall in love with each other at two different times...? how do you know when it's real do you have to lose it first at least once to fully realize what if it comes and you lose it, does that mean it won't come around again or that if it does it won't be as good? does everyone who gets married or has a long relationship and then end that relationship, do they still love each other...is it okay to always love each other but not want to be together? i'm not sure what that means or how that would work is that what we are doing? i don't know i would never say i won't have a relationship again but will i ever be in love again and will it ever feel as right? marriage doesn't seem as much of a possibility anymore maybe i'll be one of those women who doesn't get married until they're 40 who knows if i'll ever be fully mature enough to make a relationship work forever i suppose only time will tell... how many times can i break and not shatter?

i tried to ignore it for the longest time but........ WHAT THE FUCK......... i'm so disturbed by the fact that ANY guy would go up to a girl and accuse her of being anorexic of being anything that has nothing to do with him stop accusing me of shit i didn't do and i'm not if you ever thought someone was seriously troubled with eating problems then you don't just straight out and accuse them when you're at a party and then get mad at them!! i'm tired of the comments about my weight i'm not even as skinny as a lot of people my age don't tell me i could use to gain a few pounds don't tell me i look better now that i've gained weight well NEWSFLASH i haven't gained weight not only is this just completely RUDE it has made me 10 times more self conscious about my looks because now i'm being told how much people notice my weight i'd love to tell you that one day you'll be completely alone but it's better if you learn it the hard way so keep pushing everyone away you deserve to be alone

12-12-08 FUCK FUCK FUCK! what is this. every night it takes hours to fall asleep and tonight it just isn't working. i cry at least once a week now if not like 3 times. i just can't do this anymore. i hate being alone and for the past 6 months i've been ENTIRELY alone. no attachments, nothing. i just keep hoping that once i move back home everything will be fine and happy again but thats unrealistic. WE are still fucked up. I am still fucked up. i think about going back to therapy and then i just feel completely PATHETIC because i should be able to figure this out on my own. i should be able to fix myself ON MY OWN. but i can't even live 8 hours away and fix myself. and get over you. and NOT love you. AND NOT imagine every boy that i've kissed was you. thats not healthy. not normal. not fair! WHY IS THIS SO EASY FOR YOU!?! and of course we can't talk about it because the topic of you and i is completely taboo. off limits. change the subject. but i want NOTHING more than to be with you i know you better than anyone and you know me better than myself is that too much? is it inevitable that we will always fail because of it? i looove that you care about me..half the time but the other half you ignore me or i'm just a toy to please you. you know i'm not using you like you're using me. WE BOTH know this. but i just haven't gotten over you i've even grown up and experienced crazzzy new things and realized THIS is not what i am or who i am. but who am i? someone that no one can love i have FUCKED UP sooo badly i've pushed EVERYONE away even people i've done NOTHING but be nice to HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE i am on the verge of a mental breakdown...if i haven't reached it already i can't even forgive myself for what i've done to you and me and i know you can't forgive me and i can't forgive me until you do and i can't get over you until you do and until i do and its a huge cycle fuck i'm so unlovable its RIDICULOUS i'm too skinny no too fat no too boring no not boring enough no no no no one wants to date this no one wants to love this but you don't ask me how i'm feeling thats too much. i think you know it would open up too much that you just don't want to hear. that i don't even want to hear. i sound so fucking crazy i just want to be attached again to SOMETHING but i guess that means i'd have to actually be desirable to someone or something i want to completely seclude myself until i can FIX ME but then secluding myself would most likely drive me insane i want a dog a cat something that can love me unconditionally because honestly it just doesn't know any better i know i can be fun? and i can be nice? and i can be the most giving person you'll ever meet? but thats not what people like??? was it even love...or just puppy love just highschool love just so naive what the hell were you thinking love does he think to himself "goddamn she's fucking crazy and she needs to get over it" because that is almost what i am thinking right about now...and i have thought it this just doesn't seem fair EVERYONE else has found someone months after or weeks after their last relationship IM NOT A TOY i don't want to be treated like one anymore from anyone i just can't love myself until i know that someone else does too because it just doesn't seem worth it otherwise ITS FUCKING CHRISTMAS AND IM NOT AROUND ANYONE THAT I CARE ABOUT!!!

its sad that the only way i can stand being in chico on the weekends is if im drinking alcoholic status, i know so far this weekend has been far too sober enough for me to handle. 12-5-08

today is a good day. i'm so excited to move and get things back on track and see everyone i haven't seen in almost 6 months. i love love love that it is december and christmas is here! although chico is damn cold, it is kind of nice being in a place that is a lot closer to having a winter than southern california. the leaves actually fall off the trees so much so that they litter the ground every where and are lumped into huge piles as you drive down the streets. i do wish i had the people i really enjoy around me right now. i love this time of year and its the one time that you really want the people you love around you and the people in chico really dont come close to that. always next year i suppose i also hope next year i'll be able to spoil everyone in my life with gifts all throughout the year, especially at christmas. i can't wait!